CarrotPenis Chronicles

Black Friday! Last Day of the Metra Bar Car

2008-08-27T12:03:00.003-05:00

I knew this day was coming at some point but shit it's finally here. After Friday, there will be no Bar Car on the Metra. It's honestly going to be a sad sad day. For the past 13 years, almost day in and day out, I have sat in the Bar Car on the way home from work. Typically, I have a cocktail but some days I just like to people watch. Well I guess it's is time for last call so to speak.

Without the Bar Car, I wouldn't have met some really great people I now call friends. You all know who you are. I've also thoroughly enjoyed the cast of charaters on train every day. You know the people that you never really knew their name but if you said their nickname others would instantly know who they were, i.e. Grayslake Steve, Doc, Kermit, Thunder Dan, Handsome Tom,

The Bar Car has been the subject matter of many a blog post too. From Kermit's bag of chips to the drunk construction workers. There's never a dull moment there. It's also a hotbed of gossip. Who's having a train affair with whom? Who's dating? Who's on the wagon? And Who's off the wagon?

Good bye good friend; it's been real.

Nice Parking at the Grayslake Metra Station!

2008-08-08T19:51:00.001-05:00

Drunk Construction Workers on the Metra!

2008-08-07T16:56:00.000-05:00

Only in Illinois....

2008-07-21T10:38:00.004-05:00

Can you have a car held together by duct tape. The Boy and I spotted this winner at the Jewel in Round Lake yesterday. Growing up in NJ where they had annual safety inspections, you rarely saw vehicles like this on the road; unless they had Illinois plates I suppose. Since all they care about here is emissions, anything can suffice for a motor vehicle. Who cares about carbon monoxide gas when the car in front of you turns to dust when it hits a big bump.

Ugh!!! What was I thinking...

2008-06-17T15:56:00.002-05:00

I am seriously starting to rethink this volunteering for VBS gig that I've gotten myself into this week. That's Vacation Bible School for those of you not in the know. This is week one of three weeks with the kids all to myself this summer. I love being able to spend some quality one on one time with them. Them not living with me 24/7 is easily the worst part of the whole divorce. As such, they are participating in VBS at our church. The Girl is in the drama and helping out with pre-k gym. The Boy is being just that a boy along with other shamefully awkward 10 year old boys being taught to dance and sing to christian rocks songs. And he's further hindered by the fact that he clear got his sense of rhythm from me. Can anyone say "white man's overbite"?

Anyway, because I either wanted to spend more time with them (my kids that is) or I am making up for my sins of the past year, I volunteered to work at VBS for the entire week. I figured how hard could it be anyway. You have cute kids and their hot moms hanging out out in the sun for an entire week. Well I better have locked up my spot in heaven because I clearly drew a bad card here. Am I hanging out with the hot moms playing with silly string and eating snacks on my 45 minute break. No, I am running the song lyrics on Powerpoint for the entire time without even hardly a bathroom break while they teach song and dance moves to various age groups. This means I have to listen to the same 4 or 5 songs played in little snippets and parts for 3 hours straight with little or no downtime. If I have to hear that fucking "Power" song one more time, I may strangle that little lightning bolt character they're using as a mascot. The other one that make me want to slit my wrists is written to the tune of the "Banana Boat" song but with a religious theme. It also doesn't help that I drink about 25 cups of coffee to keep myself from falling asleep while I do it. So, I am not only exhausted but also very jittery to boot from all of the caffeine.

The only people that possibly have it worse than me are the group who have to actually sing and play the songs. At least what they are doing takes talent and skill. I am just at button pusher and not even a very good one at that. Being slightly ADD, the moment I look away from the screen I lose track of where we are in the song and have do a major scan of the song to see if I am just one page off or ten. It's like a firedrill every time I do it. Well, at least the kids are having fun. Sure, they get to jump, sing and dance. Plus, they only listen to the songs like four times not four hundred. Dear Lord, please give me the patience to make it through the next three days.

Lesson for the Day...

2008-06-11T07:20:00.004-05:00

I learned a new phrase that pays yesterday. Well, I'm not so sure that it's a phrase as much as it is a descriptive adjective. But who the hell wants to see the Descriptive Adjective that Pays in the title. It's just not the same. Well that's neither here nor there.

So, the descriptive adjective that pays is Twat Waffle. Yep, you read it correctly, Twat Waffle. I think it's kind of catchy. All the kids will be saying it shortly; kind of like a replacement for Douche Bag, a phrase you can't say enough. There are so many douche bags in the place I can't even count.

I think before starting to use a catch phrase or catch descriptive adjective as one might say that you know the proper definition. So, I did what every good person does these days, I Googled, Twat Waffle. And lo and behold, I am apparently behind the times because I got 15,600 hits. What the fuck did we do before the great almighty Oz, I mean Google? You can be misinformed so much more quickly in this day and age; it's just amazing.

Okay back to the task at hand, I checked the Urban Dictonary and there appears to be some conflicting ideas on exactly what a Twat Waffle is but I picked a couple I liked and I thought were probably accurate.

1.) a vagina that is so shriveled up that it looks like a defrosted waffle.
Note: I am guessing this may have been the origination of the word.

2.) a foolish, inept, or unattractive person.
Note: I am guessing this is how people started to use the term and I know some of these people.

3.) someone who you find in extreme annoyance.
Note: This is how I am going to use it and I know lots of these people.

Suggested uses:

Mick, stop being such a Twat Waffle.
That Rusty guy from soccer is a huge Twat Waffle.

See it is catchy. Well that's my lesson for today kids. Next time tune if for my lesson on Backhanded Compliments. Where you say something nice to someone when you really mean to say that they are such a Twat Waffle. It's fun trust me.

8 Random Things....

2008-06-04T13:11:00.000-05:00

Was trying to come up with a longer post but I'll try and dazzle you with some random highlights...

Watched the Golden Compass on DVD recently with kids. Visually, it was stunning and Nicole Kidman is smoking hot in it. That said, the complete bullshit cliffhanger ending was horrible. I understand there's going to be another movie or two but this isn't Lord of the Rings. I felt like I got fucked in the ass without the reach around. Even The Girl wasn't buying into the hype.

Actually won a freaking adult soccer game. It's about time too, I can't stack the team any more than I already have. I've gone from one of the better male players on the team to easily the worst. It was doubly satisfying because we beat a team that I can't standing. Well just one person in particular.

Went to my 5th Cubs game vendor boondoggle of the season. This one was in super skybox. There's few things better than a day at Wrigley. Cold beer, hot girls, good times! It was made all the better by the fact that the vendor provided a bus from Gurnee Mills to the game and back. I also won $17 playing Ship, Captain, Crew on the bus. Whoo Hoo!

Just finished The Kite Runner. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I am betting that may be a "Man Card" violation.

Female Fashion tip for the week- if you have fat calves, don't wear high boots even if they're black. They aren't flattering even though your friends tell you they are; they're liars.
Male fashion tip for the week- If you are starting to bald on top but not on the sides and front, cut your hair really short or better yet shave your head. That munk look is so 13th century.
Left Stupid Cat outside all night in hopes that he would be kidnapped by racoons or carried off by a hawk; no such luck there.
Mowed front lawn the other night so that my house is not the blight of the neighborhood. Thank the Lord that I have a fence and people can't see the back yard.

Law Firm Shenanigans...

2008-05-20T14:27:00.005-05:00

This is an actual email exchange from a law firm that I do business with. It is utterly hilarious. I've changed the names to protect the innocent...Start from the bottom, it's much funnier that way.

-----Original Message-----
From: Asshole Lawyer 3
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2008 12:04 PM
To: Facility Girl; Asshole Lawyer 1; Asshole Lawyer 2
Subject: RE: Emergency Response Team

Personally, I find all of these shenanigans irresponsible.

-----Original Message-----
From: Asshole Lawyer 2
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2008 12:01 PM
To: Facility Girl; Asshole Lawyer 1
Cc: Asshole Lawyer 3
Subject: RE: Emergency Response Team

I'm working from home today, but will look into the email situation when I am back in the office on Thursday. As you no doubt will understand after reading Asshole Lawyer's email, I am currently trying to avoid making any commitments to the firm that extend beyond a two week period.

Regards,

Asshole Lawyer 2

-----Original Message----- From: Asshole Lawyer 1
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2008 11:58 AM
To: Facility Girl
Cc: Asshole Lawyer 2; Asshole Lawyer 3
Subject: RE: Emergency Response Team

Facility Girl:

Clearly, Asshole Lawyer 2 came into my office and sent from my computer the e-mail indicating I would be willing to serve on your rescue squad. I think you should find someone else besides me. If some emergency were to actually occur here, the only emergency response plan I intend to effect is called "Lookie Outie for Numero Uno." I plan to run out of this place so fast you'll need extra rescue team members just to pick up the old ladies I knock over in my escape. I'll be standing outside on the street with a venti, extra shot, easy vanilla latte from Starbucks before your team members even have their cute little orange vests put on. You know that guy on the Titanic that got into the life raft before all the women and children? That's me.
I think Asshole Lawyer 2 just nominated himself by sending you the false message. I recommend you use him to fill whatever position requires him to stay behind and fight the flames before they get to our files. I know that could be very dangerous and put his life at stake, but it's a risk I'm willing to take.

Asshole Lawyer 1

-----Original Message-----
From: Facility Girl
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2008 11:37 AM
To: Asshole Lawyer 1
Subject: RE: Emergency Response Team

THANKS!!!

-----Original Message-----
From: Asshole Lawyer 1
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2008 11:17 AM
To: Facility Girl
Subject: RE: Emergency Response Team

I will

-----Original Message-----
From: Facility Girl
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2008 11:07 AM
To: Entire Law Firm

Subject: Emergency Response Team
Importance: High

Your floor is looking for a few more volunteers for the Emergency Response team. This is very important for your safety as well as others in the event of an emergency. Please let me know if you are willing to volunteer.

When is a Date a Date?

2008-05-01T09:57:00.004-05:00

Clearly I am going to have a start a list. Let's call this one New Single Guy Learning Experience #2. Just to recap...If you recall #1 was don't date two girls and be seen on television with one of them.

Okay, #2 is when you are recently single guy and you ask a single girl out for drinks as friends, there is the distinct possiblity that she may think it's a date. This has happened to me on not one but two separate occasions. The first time, met random female aquaintance on train and had a nice conversation. We exchanged a few funny emails. One night I was bored and shot her and email asking her if she'd be interested in meeting me for a drink. To date, there was no discussion of dating, I assumed it was two casual friends going out for a drink. Apparently, I was wrong because I was informed later that it was a considered date.

Situation two, a divorced soccer mom from my team has agreed to cover for me while I am out of town this weekend. She's never coached soccer before and clearly had a lot of questions about what to do. I offered to meet her for a drink last night to go over any questions she had. Someone told me that it was probably going on a date. I said "No way, we are just talking about soccer." Well once again, I was wrong it was a date. What tipped me off? We had cocktails and sat for easily an hour talking with not one mention of soccer. The whole evening lasted nearly four hours and soccer talk consisted of about 5 minutes of that time period.

Ladies, can you give me some guidance here? When is just drinks, just drinks? And when is just drinks, a DATE? Is there some code word I need to use to make it go one way or another? Or do I just need to throw it out there. Don't get me wrong both times I had a really nice time. I am just confused about what constitutes a date and what doesn't.

Well, it's official...The Semi- Divorce is over!

2008-04-30T15:34:00.004-05:00

I no longer need to describe myself to single women as being semi-divorced. I have to admit that was always an awkward moment; but I have to tell you not typically a dealbreaker. The county of Lake in the state of Illinois has officially decreed we are no longer legally Mr. & Mrs. Carrotpenis. While it's honestly been over for me for a fairly long time now mentally, I do find the legally severing of things a bit cathartic.

Well let the single guy shenanigans begin. Oh, that's right they've already started. In fact, I think that train has pretty much left the station. After 6 or so months of being semi-divorced, now when I'm around my married guy friends and their wives, I've noticed them (the wives I mean) giving that certain look of disgust. You know the one. The one that says, don't you dare lure my semi-happily married husband into yet another girl ogling, liquor imbibing, cigarette smoking debacle. I'm clearly going to need to find some new single guy friends.

Or perhaps I could grow up a bit and go and scoop somebody else's wife from a recently failed marriage. Oh that's right, that's been done already. But I will save that story for another day.

Does this Surprise Anyone?

2008-04-18T13:24:00.005-05:00

As some of you are aware, I am a giant fan of the Vendor Boondoggle. You know where you're the customer and your vendors give you lots of cool shit just becuause you are doing business with them. I have been on the receiving end of some really incredible things through my job. To give you an idea, over the past 10 years, I've gone to easily 20 Chicago Bears games at Solider Field. During that entire time, I've only sat outside in the elements twice. Every other time has been from the open bar comfort of a luxury skybox.

Well as luck would have it the Vendor Fairies were looking down upon me once again for opening day at Wrigley. One of my vendors who will remain nameless has the easily 4 of the best seats in Wrigley Field. They are in the 3rd row right behind the Cubs dugout near the batter's circle. If you've never been that close, it's a surreal experience. When the players come off the field, they are literally an arms reach away. One of the only drawbacks is that you really need to pay attention to the game lest take a foul ball in the noggin ala Drew Barrymore in Fever Pitch.

Another drawback which it took this game for me to figure out by the way is that you are on TV a lot. I am sure if you are dad with your kids and they are trying to have them show their fucking "Hi Mom!!!" sign on TV so that mom can ooh and ahh from home or perhaps a good looking girl in a low cut blouse who doesn't mind having her tits shown on WGN then this is all well and good. However, if you are a good looking semi-divorced guy dating two girls at once and one of them has a slacker job that allows her to be home in the afternoon to watch the Cubs on TV, then not so much. To make matter worse the Cubs new player Fukedome (which I think is really pronounced...fuck you, do me) hit a 3 run homer in the bottom of the ninth to tie the game causing the crowd including me and Girl 1 to go wild for the television cameras. Then they were nice enough to show shot of Girl 1 and I celebrating no less than 1700 times for Girl 2. So much in fact that Girl 2 now refers to Girl 1 as Brown Haired Girl in White Hoodie at least to my face. I am sure that she uses another moniker with her girl friends.

Well we will just need to chalk this up a New Single Guy Learning Experience #1. Okay, I am sure it's not number one, but it's in the top 20 or so.

Does Anyone Think...

2008-04-14T20:15:00.003-05:00

That this may be the reason why when I have a date over to my house for dinner and drinks that the romance of whole situation quickly ends. Come on, what girl doesn't enjoy an overly affectionate 17 pound cat sitting on your lap purring while you're watching a movie. I am mostly kidding about that. Clearly, the big win during the division of assets portion of my divorce was "Precious" here. Sure, I did get to keep the 5 burner stainless steel grill but since winter has yet to end here in Chicago I'm still debating if that was a win in this situation.

Do single women give you a break for having a cat due to divorce or am I automatically labeled as "Guy with Cat"? I am surmising that the situation is not good. I've tried several times to ship said cat off to the "farm", but kids keep putting up a veiled defensive front. They claim to love the cat and hint that I will no longer be loved if cat mysteriously disappears one day. Yet, when they come over to my place Senor Hairball is largely ignored for the TV. I did notice a large hawk scoop up a rabbit in the neighbor's front yard last week. Perhaps, the cat and I need to start enjoying some outdoor activities together. That said, it's going to take a pretty big hawk to get his giant ass off the ground. Perhaps, there's a gang of hawks in the neighborhood to take him on.

Men vs. Women

2008-03-24T15:43:00.002-05:00

Someone sent this to me but I felt it was definitely worth posting. Number 2 is dead on. I nearly peed my pants at number 6 about about cats (more on that later). And there's no greater truth in this world than number 9.

1. NAMES- If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT- When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. There will also be a great debate on how each owes based on exactly what they consumed.

3. MONEY- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS- A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream , razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS- A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS- Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10. DRESSING UP- A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING- Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY- Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Happy 40th Fat Bastard!!!

2008-03-06T09:59:00.003-06:00

The Fat Bastard turned 40 a couple of weeks ago and there was an out of control birthday party at Cowboy and Party Girl's house. I think some people are still on the wagon because of it. FB's wife Nice & Easy finally sent me the link to the pictures. I may post some more when time permits.

Further Proof...

2008-02-08T12:45:00.000-06:00

...that I am gigantic jackass. On Wednesday, we had a pretty big snowstorm in the northern Chicago burbs. I think that totals ended up in the 12 plus inch range. To make matters worse, it came down really fast, probably 2 inches per hour. On Tuesday morning when I got to the train station, there was just a light dusting on the ground. When I got home around 2pm, there was easily 8 inches on the ground and not a fucking plow in sight.

As a result of said poor plowing and the fact that my Camry sucks in the snow, I ended up pulling out of my space about 2 feet and getting firmly caught in the deep snow. After about 10 minutes of swearing and trying to get the damn thing out, I got frustrated and started to hike home which is about 2.5 miles. As luck would have it, a co-worker picked me up after only about a mile. This was of course plenty enough time to completely fill my hood with snow and drench my jacket and gloves.

Well since I didn't have a ride back to the train station that evening or any motivation to go and dig it out for that matter, I left my piece of shit car at the train station overnight. The next morning, Cowboy picked me up on his way to the train. In anticipation of my big dig, I threw a broom and a shovel in his back seat. Due to the car's assinine position in the lot, the plows were unable to plow around the car very well. And as a result which you can see from the picture above, I was taking up about 6 prime parking places. To give you an idea of what an asshole I looked like, the blue car behind me is parked correctly in a legitimate space. To make the situation even worse, Cowboy and I were running late for our train. I ended up only having a few seconds to toss the shovel and broom in the back seat. And my car sat there like that until 3pm, over 24 hours from when I left it there initially. I am sure I was cursed many times that day.

Does anyone think....

2008-01-08T13:08:00.000-06:00

I should have an cause for concern that STBX and the kids may be plotting my demise from a life insurance scam. This is what the kids got me for Christmas, I kid you not. I guess I should just enjoy the fact that they are deluded enough to think that I won't break my neck on this thing.

Dear Santa...

2007-12-17T14:25:00.000-06:00

Dear Santa:

As you already know, I've been a really good boy this year and am certainly deserving of some Christmas presents. Okay, maybe I haven't been all that good but cut me some slack already fat man; it's been a rough last 6 months. I am sure I can think of some others but here's my short list...

1. A colander. My old colander was foolishly lost in the division of assets with the soon to be ex Mrs Carrotpenis. How am I supposed to eat Ramen noodles if I can't drain the damn things.

2. A frying pan with a lid that fits. See note about colander above. I've discovered the hard way that you can't make rice-a-roni without it.

3. An appointment with The Cat Whisperer. While I've never heard of the Cat Whisperer, I am sure there is some nut job out there that does it. After all, there's a horse whisperer and a dog whisperer. That said, if the cat doesn't stop peeing in the now vacant dining room, I am going to build a one time use Cat Cannon.

4. A hot date to the Bears Packer game. I have two skybox tickets and no special (am by special, I mean hot and easy) lady to share them with. As game is on the 23rd, if you could get a move on this one, that will be greatly appreciated.

5. A new snowshovel. While old snow shovel was not lost in asset division, it sucks. And if the snow continues like it has been, it's going to be a long winter in Chicago.

6. A personal shopper. This whole grocery shopping thing is going to be the death of me. I absolutely hate going to Walmart. I'd spit on your grave Sam Walton; of course that would mean I'd have to go to Arkansas. I'd rather go to Walmart every day than do that.

7. A hot date in general. Screw the Bears Packers, I'd settle for dinner and drinks with a "special" lady. Please see description of "special" above in number 4.

Come on Santa, I'm not asking for much here. It's not like I want a Wii or anything like that.

Yours Truly,

Carrotpenis

Halloween Pics- It's about freaking time!

2007-12-04T17:22:00.000-06:00

Since Christmas is right around the corner, I figured it might be time to get some Halloween Pictures posted. These were from a party hosted by The Accountant and his wife The Little Red Witch. It was a great time. This is a random sampling of the picture I felt able to post. You'll all be thankful that I spared you the one of The Fat Bastard in the hot tub.

Here The Little Red Witch does a great portrayal of the St. Pauli Girl.

Party Girl and Mrs. Fat Bastard having a tender moment.

The Fat Bastard trying to give Cowboy a french kiss. Fat Bastard, your wife must be one happy lady.

Party Girl and The Little Red Witch having a contest to see who has a better display of cleavage.

Here The King aka The Cowboy tries to cop a fell on Mrs. Fat Bastard.

I figure I will have my holiday pics up sometime around Easter. So, Enjoy!

Whose Cleavage is This?

2007-12-03T12:42:00.000-06:00

This fine photo was snapped at Austin's in Libertyville a couple of weeks ago. Anyone care to make a guess on whose cleavage this is?

Prophetic Fortune Cookie

2007-11-16T13:19:00.001-06:00

Hot blonde co-worker and I went to lunch at quickie Chinese buffet. While I don't take too much stock in fortune cookies, I am going to see where this one takes me....

"Soon a visitor shall delight you."

Unexpectedly thrust onto the dating scene, you go have to take what you can get...

Views from the Crackberry- Dead Guy on Train

2007-10-14T00:36:00.000-05:00

The Mick and I rode the Metra on the way home last Friday. This guy was asleep when we got on the train and was still asleep when we got off the train. I swear I saw a puddle of drool on his laptop. He was so out of it that at one point, I even contemplated putting a mirror up to his mouth to see if he was still breathing.

Views from the Crackberry

2007-10-11T12:52:00.000-05:00

Had a business trip to New York City a few weeks back. While I was there, I bamboozled my way onto a dinner cruise around Manhattan. I took this shot with my Crackberry. Too bad the ones of the Statue of Liberty didn't come out better. Well what do you expect from a little pin hole in the back of a cell phone.

Genesis Rocks!

2007-10-03T20:25:00.000-05:00

The Fish (aka Mr. Fun) and I went to see Genesis at the United Center last night on a vendor boondoggle. It was a great time. While I am not that into Phil and the boys, they put on a great show. I can also now check them off my list of classic bands to see before they break up or die.

Cub's Game Busy

2007-09-21T14:28:00.000-05:00

The Rooster, Mick and I have a running joke. Last Summer I blew them off for lunch on a Thursday because I was really busy at work. Then the same day, I proceeded to blow off a half day of work to go catch the Cubbies when someone invited me last minute. Come on, it was a sunny day and it was the Cubs at Wrigley. Now, whenever I say I am busy at work, they say are you really busy or just Cubs Game Busy.

You Know You Work for a Great Company When...

2007-09-13T16:37:00.001-05:00

You come into work and there is a bottle of tequila sitting on your desk. Anyone got a lime and some salt? Yum!

Random Musings

2007-09-12T15:12:00.000-05:00

Okay enough with Harry Potter and the Giant Penis; it's about time for a new post. I am going to go with some random thoughts and semi-humorous fodder from the land o' Carrotpenis...

I am going to say it right now. The Cubs are going to once again fuck a good thing up. They have great talent; have put up impressive numbers but the train is clearly coming off the tracks. I just don't think they have what it takes to finish the deal. Hopefully, they will find someone to scapegoat like Steve Bartman the last time. For the love of Christ, I hope that I am wrong.
I can clearly see that I am not going to be very good at the whole dating thing. I am already dreading the whole courting process of faking interest in someone to see if there's any slim possibility that there really is something between you or perhaps she's easy and will let you sleep with her. Okay, perhaps I'd be willing to put some work into that.
Yes folks, I am once again "Molding America's Youth". I am foolishly coaching not one but two of The Boy's soccer teams. What am I thinking? I figure I am spending an easy 15-20 hours a week just devoted to soccer. As luck would have it though, I conveniently now have some free time worked into my schedule.
Work is crazed as well. I can't figure out whether I am coming or going. I want to smack the hell out of the people who invented SAP. They are the bane of my existence right now. I want to pay my bills, honest I do. The SAP (DEVIL) won't let me do it. I am hoping that ComEd will just shut off the lights because we haven't paid them and then I can just go home.
I just saw the previews for It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia which starts up again on FX this Thursday. If you haven't caught this train wreck, I highly advise that you check it out; over the top funny.
A buddy of mine from college, Mike Weinreb, is up for a book award through MSNBC and The Quills for his book, The Kings of New York, as "Book of the Year". Log in and vote for him if you have a second, http://www.quillsvote.com/.
Jersey Girl now has a blog all her own. She did somehow forget to send me the link though. Perhaps she's embarrassed to be affiliated with such drivel. Luckily, Cowboy was nice enought to send it along. Well if you have a chance check it out.....http://paintchick.blogspot.com/. If I didn't mention it before, she has a bit of paint fetish.
I was mocked by a co-worker for saying there it was okay to tailgate at Ravinia. Come on people, who says you can't have a tailgate in the parking lot before you hit the orchestra seats? Cowboy, New Party Girl and I hit there a couple of weeks ago to catch Hootie and the Blowfish. We rode the vendor gravy train and listened to some pretty good tunes on the lawn. The weather could have been a bit better though. Classic moment of the evening was a a toss up between cute gopher girl dropping her Panera in the parking lot at the train station (I bet her boss was pissed) and then being helped by inebriated guy much to the chagrin of inebriated guy's wife. And very drunk dorky guy on bus home being mocked by hot girls in short skirts and no underwear. I will give kudos to guy for pulling together his group of hot girls but I am guessing they think he's gay.
I went to my 20th high school reunion two weeks ago. Had a blast but was bamboozled into driving home a drunk friend by two other friends who ditched us at a bar at 2am. I am plotting my revenge right now. I will delve into further details of the reunion in a separate post.
Looking for a bachelor/single dad pad in the Grayslake area. If anyone know of a great place, please pass it along. I am looking for close proximity to train station, downtown area, and single hot moms. Fat Bastard, perhaps I can sublet that inlaw apartment you call a fish tank in your basement.

Alright, the freaks on the Metra are calling and it's time to pack up my shit and get the hell out of here before I kill someone. Bon Voyage.

Harry Potter: The Lost Episodes

2007-08-30T15:23:00.000-05:00

In one of Harry's lesser know tales. Harry is encased in glass, turned into butter by the evil LordVoldemort and then attacked by a giant butter penis. In a panic Harry shits butter onto the floor.

New Party Girl snapped this at the Iowa State Fair. Party Girl insists that isn't a giant penis but in fact an owl on a log. Come on people, who's that sculptor kidding; that's a penis. Bible belt my ass.

Cubs 1 Carrotpenis 0

2007-08-02T16:35:00.000-05:00

Went to the Cubs game the other night to watch them beat the Phillies. Had an awesome time. Hit Murphy's Bleacher before the game. Had a some delicious cold ones at the game with some great guys. Then we went to John Barleycorn after for a night cap. Lot's of very attractive women in Cubbies Blue, my kinda place. The game and festivities right up til 11pm were "off the hook". The ride home, not so much.

Here's where the train starts to get off the tracks so to speak. I had planned on catch the 11ish Metra train back to the burbs on the way home. But due to my selfdiagnosed ADHD or possibly severe mental retardation, I fucked up the time and ended up missing the 11ish train. This absolute brain fart set me on the curb for and hour and forty minutes waiting for the last train of the evening, the 12:40. The only saving grace was that I did get to relax against a rather comfy chain link fence while sitting on the concrete platform. Note to self, invent a bag chair that just pops out of my ass.

Well, if you think missing the train was the low point of the evening, then you'd be wrong. As luck would have it, the train was much more comfy than the sidewalk and fence. I know, big surprise. So comfy in fact, I thought it would be a good eye idea to rest my eyelids enroute to the glorious town of Grayslake. Again, bad idea, as I was brought out of my restful slumber by the delightful conductor lady telling me were in Round Lake which happens to be one stop past the one where my car was parked. To make matters worse and as I mentioned earlier this was the last train of the evening which pretty much leaves me fucked.

So, I did what all very tired and resourceful men would do at 1:40am in the morning; I called a cab. Did I call a reputable cab service (is that an oxymoron)? No, that would be the smart thing to do. I took the easy way out and called a cab from a generic looking business card stuck to the pay phone. When I call the guy that answers says he will be there in 10 or 15 minutes. This is apparently a lie. Because 30 minutes later, I call back to find out where the cab is. This time the guys says he will be there in 5 minutes. This too is a lie as it takes him easily another 20 minutes to show up. Finally, the cab get there after nearly 50 minutes of waiting, I'm not sure I can really call it a cab but it finally looks like I am in the home stretch.

The cab and I will use that term loosely is scary. It's a beat up white Dodge Caravan that looks like it may have been in a previous life used for artillery practice at a mortar range. There is no insignia on the vehicle that says it's a cab. The only sign real sign that it is a cab is that there is some scummy guy inside looking at me to get my ass inside. Due to extreme fatigue my serial killer sensors were clearly not working properly and I jumped aboard. The guy has a very strong accent; I know big surprise there. He's from central Europe, Polish or Czech would be my guess. As we pull out, I notice the meter is cranking at a pretty good pace but think nothing of it at first. A few minutes later we are two miles from the station and I look down and the meter already say $12.50. I start to get annoyed and question the driver about the insane rate. He tells me that it's $4.50 a mile and gives me some bullshit line about the price of gas being high. It is obvious to me that he's just taking advantage of the predicament that I am in but I continue on with the ride. About a mile and a half later, I look down and now the meter says $18.75 and I decide fuck this. I demand that the driver let me out of the cab. He pulls over and lets me out on the side of the road as I am nearly screaming at him about what bullshit this is.

This as it turns out is my fourth bad move of the night. As I start walking down the road, I realize that I am not nearly as close to the train station as I thought. So, to top off my delightful trip home, I get to hike my ass nearly two miles to get my car in the middle of the night on a dark deserted road.

So to recap, missed early train, fell asleep on train, took cab ride from hell and then hiked two miles. Clearly, I wronged someone somewhere. I finally got back to Carrotpenis Manor at 3am, four long arduous hours after the guys left me off at the train. Needless to say, I was a might tired at work the next day. Oh well, you live and you learn.

Views From the Crackberry

2007-08-01T19:27:00.000-05:00

Mullet Sighting at Wrigley!

The Times They Are Definitely A Changin!

2007-07-27T10:59:00.000-05:00

I guess it's time. I've been holding off on this little tidbit for quite awhile now, several weeks in fact. I don't know why've I waited actually. I think the majority of my closer friends that read this blog know already anyway. Well there's really no easy way to say it other than just being direct about it. Mrs. Carrotpenis and I have decided to part ways. Suffice to say, things were not working out. And with that said, this will be the last thing I will say about my personal relationship with her, the separation, the divorce, etc. Well that is of course unless there's something funny and non-insulting to her to write about; currently that would not be the case.

Special Note: If this is the first you've heard about this and believe you should have been given a personal update from me, I apologize profusely. But as you can imagine there's been a little stress in my life over the past few weeks and it has gone by like a blur.

So, moving on. I knew this blog would be therapeutic. I am feeling better already. I like to say, if you don't have something good to say about a situation, you might as well poke fun at it. If it's at your own expense all the better. Here are some things that I am really (with hint of sarcasm in my voice) looking forward to as I embark on my new life as "New and Improved Single Carrotpenis". These are not in any order of importance or rating.

1. Dating- I can actually put all my web surfing research of match.com for the VOR to work. See, in retrospect that wasn't a huge waste of countless hours of my time at work.

2. Sex with new exotic crazy single women in their midthirties. I firmly believe that people who are of my age and single are quite possibly that way for a reason not just choice. It's because, they are fucking nut jobs (present company possibly included). This sex thing is of course just theoretical at this point. I would actually have to find someone to have sex with me, but I am hopeful. See point number 1 above.

3. Eating at new and exciting restaurants like the McDonalds and White Castle!

4. Sitting in my underwear at home just about any time I want. Of course, this my be detrimental to points one and two.

5. My new digs. Am currently hoping that it isn't going to be a van down by the river.

6. Washing my own clothes. You can put everything in cold water, can't you?

7. Going to the grocery store and even worse yet, Walmart. Is there no end to the madness.

8. Decorating my own digs. That there deodorant tree sure does add a special touch to the van don't it.

9. Spending the Christmas alone watching Bad Santa eating Turkey TV dinners.

10. And last but not least, becoming a workaholic to cover off on the downtime when I don't have the kids, yeah right.

Best o' the Week from Overheard...

2007-07-26T14:56:00.000-05:00

Someone got me reading Overheard in New York. People send in funny quotes they've heard around the city of New York. It is really hilarious reading. Check it out if you've got the chance. My pick for best of this week is the following:

Queer hipster: Oh my god! Some hobo just asked if I wanted to see his pubic wonderland!

Have a good one!

What's Hot and What's Not!

2007-07-18T16:03:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned previously, I was looking for some new blogs to replace some of the outdated or underappreciated ones in the "Blogs I Dig" section. Well the first wave has happened.

What's Hot....
Check out Jennsylvania, very funny! Thanks Janice
Go Fug Yourself! An old favorite
Kill the Goat! One from my favorites list that I don't read often enough.
Demon Baby
Overheard in NY

What's Not...
Binky Boodle, An absolute disappointment. You should have kept posting on ChicksnBreasts.
Scary Personals
Urban Cougar
Topless Hotdog Entertainment

If you've got any others to check out, please shoot them along

Go Sox!!!

2007-07-16T12:35:00.001-05:00

As promised here are the pictures of Cowboy's handy work at Jersey Girl's house....

Welcome Back, Jersey Girl! Go Red Sox!

2007-07-12T09:30:00.000-05:00

Our friends Big Jim and Jersey Girl have been on a whirlwind 3 week vacation in the Eastern Bloc countries for the past few weeks. Well to be more exact, Jersey Girl was on a whirlwind vacation with the kids and Big Jim was living the bachelor life for two weeks joining them for the third week in London once they departed the Slavic regions.

Anyway, Jersey Girl is a huge New York Yankee's fan. When I mean huge, I mean rabid. Her house is constantly adorned with a Yankee's flag. She wears Yankee clothing, yadda, yadda, yadda. This in the land of Cubs and White Sox sticks out like a sore thumb.

Well as payback for a photoshopped picture of Cowboy in a goofy hat combined with a body in tight pants with the package showing posted everywhere at a family bbq a few weeks ago, there's a little welcome home present waiting for her today, Red Sox style. I hope to have a picture tomorrow. Let's just say, she's not going to be happy. Frying pan to the head anyone?

I'm in the Market for...

2007-07-10T13:36:00.000-05:00

Some new blogs to read. I just ran through the Blogs I Dig section and realized it's time for an update. While a number of the them are still must reads for me, several are no longer posting (like I should talk) or just aren't doing it for me anymore. Have I possibly matured; that's really doubtful. If anyone reading has one they'd like to point me direction of, please feel free to do so. If you've read my posts, you know what types of things I like. If you haven't, you should there are some really good ones.

Tenacious D Ruins a Family Fire aka The Brain Fart Story

2007-06-28T15:29:00.000-05:00

Men, and I am totally stereotyping right now, love FIRE! They just can get enought of it. Their adoration of it all starts at around 5 years old when they get their asses beat for playing with matches; it moves on to blowing things up with fire crackers and bottle rockets as adolescents; then somewhere around adulthood they need to pick a path and either become firemen, arsonists or sit their asses on lawn chairs in the driveway drinking beer around the fire pit. I as most of you know have chosen the latter. Well this is where our story begins.

If you live in or around Chicago you'll know exactly what I am talking about. You know in the Spring when you have that first 80 degree day that falls on a Friday or Saturday and you think that all is right with the world. Winter hasn't quite left yet but damn you sure can see Summer coming. You get that happy feeling where you can just sit outside for the entire day enjoying the weather and you never want it to end. Well a couple of months ago, we had just such a day. And of course we didn't want it to end, so what do we do, the most logical choice of idiot male suburbanites, have a fire. See I did have a point there.

This was not just any male bonding fire either. All the players were there, Cowboy, The Voice of Reason, The Fat Bastard, and Mr. Jones to name a few. There were also some prospective rookies, Big Jim, Stay at Home Larry, and the star of our story Tenacious D. We were all having a really great time. The wives and offspring were all there as well. Everyone was having a grand time imbibing tasteless domestic beer from the can and regalling each other with stories of our youth.

Since I haven't mentioned it yet, the event was being held at Cowboy's. Cowboy lives in a nice quiet neighborhood but has the unfortunate luck to live on a street that gets used as cut through from one side of the neighborhood to another nearby neighborhood. Since people are only cutting through, they very little respect for any speed limits and have no problem going 50mph on a 25mph street. With all the kids running back and forth between the houses, this is potential recipe for disaster.

Well after the beverages were flowing for quite some time, there were a whole bunch of guys standing out by the street when the third car of the evening comes absolutely screaming down the street. Immediately, everyone starts yelling to slow down. Then in his infinite wisdom Tenacious D. decides it will be a good idea to spray his nearly full beer all over the offending vehicle. Unfortunately for the driver as I stated earlier, it was a really nice day and the windows were down. The car then hits the brake and jams in into reverse. Suddenly, there are a dozen nearly sober guys standing by the open window of the beer covered car. The driver it turns out is a foul mouth 17 year old girl. And boy is she pissed, covered in beer and swearing a blue streak. This goes on for a few seconds until she realizes she talking to a bunch of idiots who don't care what she is saying; she then speeds of down the street into the darkness to endanger other children.

Wouldn't you know it, five minutes later two of small town's "Finest" show up with the lights ablazing. I am surprised that they didn't have the sirens going. First to arrive on the scene is Police Woman and definitely not Angie Dickinson Police Woman either. This is more like Ma Kettle police woman. She might as well of had a donut sticking out of her mouth. Then quickly following is her partner, Barney Fife. Well Barney begins by questioning the mob as to what exactly happened. In true Goodfella's fashion everyone just dummied up and acted stupid. I know, big stretch. At one point after becoming frustrated that things were going nowhere in the hot investigation of the beer thrower, Barney actually used the phrase "Brain Fart". As in, "I see that everyone here has had a bit of a brain fart and can't remember anything." This elicited some laughter from the crowd as we wondered if brain fart could be used on a police report.

After a stern lecture from Barney and Police Woman about not using vigilante tactics to quell speeding in the neighborhood, they drove off leaving us to laugh and laugh at Tenacious D.'s near arrest for what I am sure would be any number of trumped up charges.

You've think you've seen it all

2007-06-27T17:52:00.000-05:00

I just saw a blind guy mowing the grass and he wasn't missing at all.

Cold sober, I can still find misses after I am done, go figure.

Still Kicking!

2007-06-21T08:22:00.000-05:00

Thanks to everyone who has been poking their head in randomly and emailing to see if I am still alive. I honestly haven't been in the mood to do a post in really long while. And the absolute whirlwind that has been happening at work and at home certainly hasn't helped either. Well after the urgings of some friends; I think mostly just to get rid of that giant ass picture currently at the top of the blog. I have decided to give the posting thing another go. At the very least, it may be therapeutic for me, I am guessing that this will be at the expense of others. No hard feeling though.

I think it is probably best to start out with a random highlights to bring everyone up to speed on at least a little bit of what's been happening in the Land of Carrotpenis.

Cowboy and I took a road trip down to Charlotte to see a NASCAR race; I know, we continue to solidify our "white trash" reputation. While not quite the debacle that happened at Chicago Motor Speedway last year, it was great fun. Jim and Jim's hot wife showed us an absolutely awesome time. The hospitality tent and skybox experience were absolutely over the top. I will have to say that Jim Beam needs to do a better job of interviewing their shooter girls; a fantastic body does not make up for and ugly face regardless of how perfect her boobs are.
Went to Cub's Rooftop game with Cowboy. Does anyone sense a theme here? Baseball, Free Drinks and Free Food are a classic combination. Met gay couple who thought Cowboy and I were domestic partners, so to speak. Come on people, can't guys go out a couple times a week without their wives to hang out and watch sports on a regular basis without being accused of being gay, not that there's anything wrong with that. I do have to admit that the VOR did appear a little jealous when he found out we met new gay friends. Cowboy and I parlayed the cubs game into an entire day of drinking rounded out by the Cowboy and I at the Vine at around 10pm, much to the chagrin of some other patrons.
I have been riding the train fairly regular lately; yesterday I got to ride with the Mick and Rooster. Rooster was in typical fashion the Queen of the Geriatric car lording over the elderly minions. Rooster, you better not back out on our lunch. Can't wait to have tater tots at Traxx next week, mmm love the tots.
Have flown out to Westchester, NY twice in the past two weeks for complete bullshit business trips. Four days of travel wasted for 3 hours of meetings is complete crap. On one excursion though, I did a swing through of Phillipsburg, NJ, my old stomping grounds, to see the "Rents". It was really nice to catch up and see the old hometown. When I am there, I always catch myself looking at people around my age and wondering what they would like if they lost 40 or 50 pounds to see if can remember who they were. Am I wrong for doing that? My 20 year reunion is coming up in August; I am looking forward to what I imagine will certainly be a train wreck.
The Fun's had a family bbq/adult drinking party not too long ago complete with a kegger and 200 jello shots. Nothing like a few jello shots do transform a casually drinking housewife into a "Dirty Girl". It was lots of fun. Someone, who will remain nameless, put the ass picture from the previous post below on all the neighbor's cars and in their mailboxes with a tagline that said property of Mrs. Fun on them. Not sure what that is all about or perhaps, I am. The neighbors were nice enough to return the pictures the next morning to Mrs. Fun's mailbox. I am sure that the postman enjoyed that one. Found out that I am really not that good at Sink the Bismark. Mr. Fun, I am still not sure that isn't a game that you made up on the spur of the moment. Is anyone else familiar with it? Mrs. Fun, could you please send the picture of Mrs. Carrotpenis grabbing Aussie Girl's boob?

I think this wraps up today's installment. As promised previously, look for an upcoming post where I will update you on how "Tenacious D. Ruins a Bonfire".

Giant Asshole!

2007-05-15T16:24:00.000-05:00

I will give a bottle of Basil Hayden's Bourbon to the person who can correctly identify what person sent me this lovely picture of their giant ass via text message on Saturday night. By the way, I don't know what games you and The Wife are into but it looks like it may involve a riding crop.

The Cowboy, The VOR, Mrs. Carrotpenis, and New Party Girl are not eligible to guess in the contest. You are, however, free to make funny comments about the picture.

Happy 38th....

2007-05-14T09:43:00.000-05:00

Birthday to the Voice of Reason! Hope you are having a great day filled with balloon animals and pony rides. We certainly know that you aren't working very hard. We all have to go out and have some drinks to celebrate. Oh shit, I think we already did that twice this previous weekend. Cowboy just told me the "New Party Girl" has a special gift for you.

VOR, Cougar Hunter

2007-05-08T13:07:00.000-05:00

As I may of mentioned in bitter post sometime back (okay fine it was two posts ago), our friend The Voice of Reason (the VOR) has been vicously thrown back into the dating arena. In addition to our extremely helpful assistance with his match.com pursuits, The Cowboy and I have also been looking at alternative dating methods in which to live vicariously through him. And as the VOR is still on "the Rebound" and in all probability his first relationship will quickly go to the shitter anyway, we have decide that we will encourage him to do a bit of Cougar Hunting mostly for our own amusement not his.

To educate him in the correct art of hunting Cougars, Cowboy was nice enough to do a little research and found this delightful website, www.urbancougar.com. If you are not familiar with the art of hunting the elusive or perhaps not so elusive Cougar, I encourage you to check out the site. It provides a great overview as well as some informative definitions. We are hoping to take the VOR on the road this weekend and see if he can lure a live one in. Traincar Mary, you better watch out. If anyone know of any good "Dens" in the northern burbs, please feel free to share them. And no, Fat Bastard, Bake's is definitely not considered a den.

Random Highlights a Long Time Coming

2007-03-27T14:32:00.000-05:00

Well since it's been awhile since my last bitter post, I thought a quick random highlights list may be in order. So, here goes...

Went to March Madness/St. Patrick's day party at Cowboy's. Damn, it has been a long time since I did a post. It was a veritable who's who of immature drunk middle aged children. Stay at Home Larry was the first one there, big surprise. Fat Bastard and Mr. Jones were there embarrassing their wives as usual. I heard that Mr. Jones took bites our of an entire bowl of green apples and in then replaced them in a display bowl that Mrs. Cowboy had sitting on her kitchen table. Mr. Green drank a whole bottle of Maker's Mark and had to be followed home under the close supervision of The Voice of Reason (see below). I made a quick exit when Tequila Rose (nasty stuff) started to get the best of me.
Mrs. Carrotpenis went out for a night cap with Johnny B and The Cowboy two Friday's ago. Due to events surrounding this evening, Johnny B. will now be referred to as The Voice of Reason or just VOR for short. That said, is it okay for The VOR to have blackout moments while performing his duties?
Have been watching a new show on FX call The Riches. It's like a train wreck but I am very hooked; take a watch if you have a chance. Minnie Driver is easily in my Top 10.
Been frequenting The Vine in Grayslake, IL. Great place, awesome drinks and apparently they serve food or at least I am told. If you live in the area, definitely catch some drinks there. I'm not quite at the "Norm" status of the VOR but I am working on it. Tell Juan and Ralph I said, Hi if you drop in.
In case there was any doubt, I have officially achieved "White Trash" status. For the past several months I've been subbing once a month on Cowboy's bowling team. Well get this, we won the league championship and I done got me a trophy with my name engrave and all. I figure I am one step away from having a broken down car in my front yard.

Well, work is calling and I need to save some stories of stupidity for my next post. Coming Soon: Tenacious D. comes to his first fire and bad things happen. Don't miss it!

Ding Dong The Witch is ....

2007-03-08T10:05:00.000-06:00

Well she's not dead but at least she's moved onto the next part of her pathetic life.

On Monday morning, I got a text message from my friend, Johnny B. saying "I'm Free!" which could mean only one of two things. One, he had just escaped from being tied up in a scary night of BDSM sex with that midget lady he found on match.com or his divorce was final. It was the latter and not a second too soon. We (Cowboy, myself, and the rest of our sad circle of friends) have been on the peripheral of this train wreck for nearly a year now. If it hadn't ended when it did, I am sure that things would have gotten really ugly. Johnny B. was really fairly level headed through the whole arduous thing and I commend him for that. I am not sure I would have been as mature (fucking whore) as he has been.

I am still utterly amazed at how much control a woman has over a divorce proceeding regardless of whether or not she sleeping with her cousin and she voluntarily chooses to leave her husband and two kids for said cousin after 13 years of marriage without a thought of reconciling. Yes, it's as creepy as it sounds. In Illinois there is very little penalty if any for being 95% of the cause for the marriage break up, you still get your half. It seems like it is even worse if you allow your spouse to be a stay at home mother. That $80k value being provided by your wife as a stay at home quickly flows out the window when you get a lawyer involved and your ex becomes a money grubbing, I want to continue to sit on my ass and not get a job even though I am only screwing my cousin and not taking care of the children on a full time basis bitch. Suddenly, their whole earning power drops to zilch and you as the guy are left holding the bag and making child support payments to your spouse even though the kids live with you. Utterly pathetic. But I digress.

Well what started out as a nice congrats on a bad situation turned into an aimless rage filled rant. I apologize. Johnny B., I have a nice bottle of Basil Hayden with your name on it. We'll drink to good friends and the future and oh yeah the hilarity that is going to ensue as you make the real leap into the world of crazy women and casual sex. I am already laughing. I hear that Miss Plum Court is free this weekend.

The Suggestion Box is Back!!!

2007-03-01T08:22:00.000-06:00

After a very long hiatus, my place of corporate drudgery has decided to reinstate the fabulously inane, on-line, anonymous "Suggestion Box". If you are a long time reader, you will remember that the suggestion box is great fodder for blog post material. The primary reason is that many of the employees here confuse the suggestion box with a sounding board for them to bitch about the petty things that they think are important. The great Capri Pants Debate of 2005 and the Burnt Popcorn Scandal of 2006 are two prime examples.

If you aren't familiar with the suggestion box saga, search through the archives and have a look. It's great stuff I promise. It always amazes me how people will confuse their place of work and their co-workers with their homes, subservient spouses and disobedient children. Well if that didn't happen, I'd have one less thing to write about. Please note that I am almost giddy with anticipation for the for the first idiotic idea to be submitted. My bet is that it will happen in the next week.

The Bastards- Last Days of the Bar Cars on the Metra

2007-02-24T07:25:00.000-06:00

The bastards! Metra has recently announced that they will be phasing out their bar cars over the next two years. I've been riding in the bar car on the way home from work for 11 years. I have friends that I met solely because of drinking in the bar car. In fact, I have friends that I only see in the bar car. I've seen and blogged about more funny things than I can count on the bar car. What the hell am I going to do now? Ride with the rest of the quiet, non-drinking, book reading, anti-social losers, I'm not so sure. I may need to start driving. See already this is a bad idea.

The ambience (yeah ambience fuckers) of the bar car is one of the things that really draws me to the train. Sure I say that it's relaxing and I get work done on the train, and I do in the morning. But most afternoons, I enjoy having a delicious beverage and doing some people watching. All the freaks congregate in the bar car.

Their flawed reasoning for the phase out is supposedly due to the fact that they want to maximize ridership. I don't know about anyone else but I can never find a seat in the bar car. In fact, I find those cars around the bar more full than other on the train. It's just complete bullshit. Metra is simply bowing to the insurance companies and the crap that anti-alcohol groups are serving up.

Whether they realize it or not, the end result of the the elimination will do more harm than good. First to the other riders, rather than have these freaks congregated in one area on the train, they will now be dispersed throughout the train. Hey, quiet reader, you will now be subject to Kermit's insane ramblings and his disgusting offer to eat from his bag of chips. I sure envy you. Again, to the other riders, since Metra is not banning the drinking of alcohol on trains just the bar cars, these people will now be drinking amongst you. That should be fun. To the anti-alcohol folks and the insurance companies. Now instead of a bartender monitoring how many drinks a rider has had, the riders will be monitoring themselves. The end result will be more on train accidents and increased drunk driving. Again, that sounds like win win for this whole situation.

Well fellow bar car comrades, we have up to two years. Let's get cracking. Here's what I think we need to do. First, complain to Metra about the phasing out of the bar cars. It's bullshit, we all know it, let's tell them about it. Second step, buy your drinks and drink them in the bar car. Decreased revenues is one of the reasons for the phase out. If the bar cars' profits increase, one of their reasons goes away. Three, be responsible about your drinking. While this one should be obvious, sometimes it isn't. Know your limits and don't drink and drive drunk. And last, be friendly encourage people to sit in the bar car. Don't be drunk and surly like you usually are, build the crowd in the bar car. For the rest of you riding the rails, complain loudly too. Remember, in the not too distant future, we'll all be sitting and drinking with you.

If any of you have any other ideas of how to stem the tide, let me know. I will now end the editorial portion of my blog for today.

Match.com: Tips for Getting a Date

2007-01-30T08:58:00.000-06:00

As some of you know, Johnny B. has been going through a bit of a rough patch. Last Spring, his lovely wife (whore) informed him that she'd be moving on to what she thinks are greener pastures with her new man. Note: there is a much longer and more interesting story behind this, but I will leave it for another day when I am in a really bad mood.

As you can imagine Johnny B. like most people who were just smacked in the face by a baseball bat, moved through the various stages of grieving that come along with a divorce. Thankfully, he's now somewhere between "This bitch isn't getting any of my money!" and "I really need to have some sex with someone else or I am going to explode!"

Due to these certain physical needs and oh sure a desire for female companionship, blah, blah, blah, Coach has set himself up with a profile on Match.com. He even went out on a couple of dates with someone or so he told us. She doesn't appear to be in the picture any longer though; either that or he's not willing to scare her off by introducing her to the antics of Cowboy and me. I'm thinking it's the latter. I'm also betting that his kids will be introduced to any girlfriends prior to us as to lessen the blow that he's foolish enough to hang around with us.

Anyway, getting to the point of my post here, solid buddy support system that we are, Cowboy and I have taken up surfing Match.com in order to find quality dates for Johnny B. After several hours of intense research on his behalf I've made a few important observations that I thought some of you might find helpful if you are trying to land a man on Match.com or any other internet dating site for that matter. In the interest of not being sued by Match.com or the women on the site, I will refrain from posting the actual pictures for now. These are in no particular order.

Getting your courage up to put a profile out there by drinking two bottles of wine and then using a webcam photo from the same evening is probably not going to get you too many dates. Shitfaced drunk is not a good first impression; save that for the third date.
In the same vein, I'd really think twice about using a webcam photo in your profile at all. It takes a really hot woman to look good in the indigo blue glow of a poorly lit room and a computer monitor. Kind of like wearing white stockings. Some people are good enough to pull them off, but you're better off not going there.
While sure every guy wants to see a couple of pictures of you, posting 15 of them comes off as narcissistic and conceited. I think that 4 or 5 is probably a good number. Anything more and you come off as being really into yourself.
Pets of any kind in your profile photos are a huge no no. This is especially the case for small dogs and definitely for cats. While you may think that being an animal lover is a nice touch, the guys instantly thinks, "Crazy Cat Lady" or I am going to have to share my bed with that fucking thing.
I would seriously think about putting your kids in any pictures. I definitely think you should mention them in your profile; no need to be dishonest. It's just hard to feel romantic about someone as a first impression when she has two snot nosed kids draped on her. You also need to consider that if I can get on here and make fun of this shit, scum bag pedophiles are on here too. You also list the general vicinity where you live. Not a good idea in general.
Pictures with other guys in them is another bad idea. Sure, you know it's your gay friend Jeff. Anyone else looking at it is thinking this woman isn't sure she wants to be single. This goes double for pictures where the guy is in the picture but has been photoshopped or cropped out. This only makes you look crazy.
If you are going to post pictures of you with other women in them, make sure that the other women are not better looking than you are. Surrounding yourself with fat ugly friends only makes you look better. Remember to not be too drastic though, he certainly doesn't want to hang out with a pack of uglies after you start dating. If you are a 7, shoot for a 5 or 6 friend in your picture. One disclaimer, if you are into bringing your girlfriend home for sex with your dates, by all means the hotter the better.
I am all for putting a picture of yourself in a bathing suit or low cut blouse if you can pull it off; if not, I wouldn't go there.
Listing that you enjoy skinny dipping and want a guy who likes erotica is a dangerous line to walk. To guys, Erotica = PORN and skinny dipping is code for sexually adventurous. If you aren't into either, think very carefully about posting these items. Tied up with candle wax on your nipples isn't for everyone.
You also might want to think about using the terms sarcastic and power. All guys are jackasses, no need to get the really bad ones. Unless that's what you are into.
Don't lie about your age. We call all see from your picture that you are easily in your mid forties, not thirty-seven like you say. Plus don't put it past us to search through your purse on the first (and perhaps only) date to see how old you are when you aren't looking. You don't want younger guys anyway; we only mature with age. I am hoping to not be this big of an asshole after I turn 40.

Well, that's all I can think of for now. If you've got any others leave me a comment. Good luck, I don't envy any of you out there looking for dates.

It's the Fucking Mummers!

2007-01-11T14:21:00.000-06:00

Holy crap it's the Mummer's! Melina reminded me of this little ditty from my youth. Each year in Philadelphia, typically on New Years Day, there is the Mummer's day parade. The Mummer's Day parade is Philly's version of Rio's Carnivale, but without the drinking, the sex, the hot women and the floats. Okay, maybe it isn't a whole lot like Carnivale. But you do have freaky middle aged men dressed up in feathered outfits playing "When the Saints Come Marching In!" on banjo. My favorite memories of the Mummers were from the years when it was really fucking windy and you'd have hundreds these jackasses flying everywhere. Nothing like a drunk Mummer flat on his back with a banjo.

Karma is Good to Me and The Mick!

2007-01-05T13:26:00.000-06:00

Live from the Metra. There's this guy (jackass) who we've nicknamed "St. Louis" that takes the same train home as the Mick and me. He also rides in the bar car with us. I've hated this fucker since the moment I met him. I'm not sure where my initial dislike came from, but I alway remember that my first impressions are usually dead spot on. I think what annoys me the most about him is that he's very type A, doesn't give a rats ass about other people's feelings, and isn't afraid to show it off. It also doen't help that he weird looking like a leprachaun and thinks he's the cat's meow.

Case in point, yesterday was a horrible commute home. It was raining like a monsoon outside and this tends to drive all the fair weather people to mass transit. So, the bar car was absolutely packed. When we got on, the Mick and I had to stand and wait for a seat until the next stop. Jackass, St. Louis, found a seat next to this asian guy who looked like Quincy's assistant coroner. Just before the next stop, a guy equidistant from St. Louis and where the Mick and I are standing starts to get up. What does St. Louis do but in typical prick fashion he jumps up from his seat and takes the open one. He then proceeds to put his coat and bag on the seat next to him so that no one can sit down. He is such an asshole. I was just about to call him out on it when Quincy's assistant gets up to leave too. So, Mick and I end up sitting right behind him. I was so pissed off about the whole thing I almost spit into his man purse when he got up to get a beer.

Well wouldn't you know it, there was Karma to make everything better. In the afternoons on the train, our stop is over half way home from the Chicago, Lake Cook Road to be exact. So, the conductors on the train have already been through the cars several times to punch tickets prior to us getting. Due to this they tend to be a little less meticulous about their work the farther the train gets towards home. Please note, that I am not at all complaining. This means that you don't typically get your ticket punched on the way home which equals a free ride most of the time. That is unless you are huge jackass on the train every day In this case, they actually come and seek you out.

This is exactly what happened to St.Louis. The Mick and I were sitting there minding our own business having a refreshing Jim Beam on the rocks when a younger conductor comes out of no where and bee lines right for St. Louis. St. Louis tries to give him some line of bullshit about losing his transfer ticket, but the rookie conductor doesn't miss a beat. He not only charges him for the ticket but also charges him the penalty fee for not getting the transfer too. St. Louis was just livid. HA! HA! HA! HA! If he had punched our tickets this would have been funny, but to make things even better he just walked right past the Mick and I after screwing St. Louis. I was almost crying And all is right with the world.

Bumper Sticker O' The Day

2006-12-14T08:43:00.000-06:00

I used to play d&d before it was cool.

I wasn't aware that it is.

The Ugly Sweater Debacle!

2006-12-12T09:04:00.000-06:00

Mrs Carrotpenis and I hosted a Ugly Sweater Holiday Party on Saturday which was an absolute laugh riot. About 70 of our closest friends showed up decked out in their ugliest sweaters. Mass amounts of alcohol were consumed and from what I remember of the evening everyone had a good time. Here are some pictures taken with Cowboy's camera. I will try and post some that I took later this week.

While I am not exactly sure what is going on here, Mrs. Carrotpenis appears to be tweaking Mrs. Cowboy's nipples. They are very friendly.

Here Mrs. Carrotpenis shoots whipped cream into our neighbor, Little T's mouth. There was a follow up picture to this one that decency precludes me from putting on the internet. I know the decency thing is a stretch but we'll go with that anyway.

In this one, the Fat Bastard is getting some special attention from Little T.

Two outstanding participants in the ugly sweater festivities. Mrs. Cowboy ended up winning best overall with her lime green and silver disk ensemble. Absolutely, hideous. Betty had this farm animal sweater that had the animals' asses on the back. I have a picture of that on my camera which I will post later.

Thanks to everyone who attended and made the party a great success. I am already in negotiations with Mrs. Carrotpenis for our 2007 party. I am suggesting we have an outdoor toga party. This idea, as you might suspect, is meeting with some resistance. If anyone has any other ideas, please pass them along.

50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex.

2006-12-11T09:18:00.000-06:00

I found this post on http://tweekerchick.blogspot.com/ via I Hate My Cubicle and just had to post it. I also found another one called 50 Mistakes Men Make When Having Sex which I will post eventually. But since I have editorial control, I am going with this one first....Great Stuff.

The Politics of Fucking aka 50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex as told by TweekerChick....

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when hes touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.That is all.

What's Next in Air Travel Security?

2006-12-07T14:29:00.000-06:00

I got this article on a email alert at work. Absolutely Hilarious!

Flatulence leads to flight diversion
It's not legal to light matches on a plane even if the object is to cover up a bad smell, an American Airlines passenger found. An American Airlines flight carrying 99 passengers had to make an emergency landing in Nashville after passengers reported a strange scent that smelled like struck matches. All 99 passengers and five crew were taken off the plane and screened while the plane was searched. After being questioned by FBI officers, a Dallas woman on the flight "admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal body odor," writes The Tennessean. The woman apparently "had been striking matches to mask evidence of a troubled digestive system." The Washington Ronald Reagan National-to-Dallas/Fort Worth flight eventually took off again, but the woman was not on board. "American has banned her for a long time," said Lynne Lowrance, a spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority. No charges were filed against the woman. Though it is illegal to strike a match in an airplane, it is perfectly legal to carry them, as long as they stay unlit. Report by David Wilkening

Drunken Halloween 2006! Party 1

2006-11-02T13:38:00.000-06:00

Mrs. carrotpenis and I went to a total of three Halloween parties on Saturday night. The first party we went to wasn't actually a Halloween party; it was a 40th birthday party for one of my friends. Who the hell has a non dress up party the weekend before Halloween, I'll never know. In typical carrotpenis style though, we went dressed up anyway. Who wants to miss any party/drinking time by getting changed midstream. To offset this though we purposely stood right by the front door to fuck with people coming in and make them think they were supposed to dress up. That was good fun.

Here's a picture of Mrs. carrotpenis from before we went out. She's a beautiful zombie cheerleader, isnt she? Save the cheerleader, save the world....

Drunken Halloween 2006: Party 2

2006-11-02T13:14:00.000-06:00

The second party we went to was at our friend, Johnnie B's. He built this fantastic haunted house in the garage. While not as scary as last year's, it was impressive. Recently divorced, Johnnie dressed up as The Bachelor complete with roses for the girls. Hilarious! I still think the divorce lawyer or kissing cousins costumes would have been better though.

As I went through our pictures I noticed that most were fairly tame from this little stop. There was one of Mr. Fun dressed as a maturbator, complete with dark sunglasses and hairy palms. But I will spare you from that. Instead, here are some celebrities that showed up...One member of the Blue Man Goup, there were actually 4 people from the same family dressed up as Blue Men, but this one was by far the best. And K-Fed, complete with gold teeth grill which caused the wearer to have a speech impediment when he talked or perhaps that was the 20 or so Coronas that K-Fed had to drink.

Drunken Halloween 2006- Party 3, Part 1

2006-11-02T13:10:00.000-06:00

Oh my gosh, where do I start....Party #3 was absolutely over the top. We purposely planned to go to this party last because it was right next door to our house and merely a stumble across the lawn and up the stairs. For this one you were told to either dress up as Goth or Night of the Living Dead. Well people went absolutely all out with their costumes as you can see from these pictures.

The first picture here is of the host and hostess. They made and force fed approximately 300 jello shots to their semi-willing participants. Well then things started to turn ugly. The misses and I left around 1:45am. Word on The Circle is that things kept raging until about 5:30am.

Drunken Halloween 2006- Party 3, Part 2

2006-11-02T13:09:00.000-06:00

For a couple days, Nascar Girl, in the black costume has been asking Mrs. carrotpenis when her picture might show up on the internet. Well here it is and if you're good there might be a another one a little farther down. Here's a good example of how awesome the costumes were and how good looking the people in our neighborhood are.

Drunken Halloween 2006- Party 3, Part 3

2006-11-02T13:08:00.000-06:00

Did I forget to mention the Fat Bastard was there? He was dressed up as Mr. Incredible. Here he is busting a move. Mrs. Fat Bastard was partner in crime as Mrs. Incredible. You can sort of see her off to the left. I honestly hope that no children got got see the Fat Bastard's portrayal of Mr. Incredible, because I am guessing there would be some therapy bills involved afterwards.

Probably the funniest part of the evening was when Mr. Incredible squeezed his fat ass underneath the semi closed garage door to make his entrance into the party.

One other tidbit worth mentioning from this photo is Mr. Jones who can be seen in the back ground. He was dressed as a box of wine from Swallowing Hills Winery with the wine spout right between his legs. I am betting he tried to get Mrs. Jones to drink right from his spout.

Drunken Halloween 2006- Party 3, Part 4

2006-11-02T13:07:00.000-06:00

One of our neighbors who will now be know as the Naughty Spider (for obivious reasons) can be seen here flogging Mrs. Incredible aka Mrs. Fat Bastard. Did I mention that I think that jello shots are awesome!

Drunken Halloween 2006- Party 3, Part 5

2006-11-02T13:06:00.000-06:00

If I haven't mentioned this previously, I have the best wife ever. Who else's wife is nice enough to kiss the neighbor wives and then let you post photos of it on the internet. Well I'm not sure that I actually asked permission to do it, but like most things that I do I'm sure she'll be cool with it.

In picture one here her and Mrs. Cowboy are in a very nice lip lock. I may use this one for our Christmas card this year. And in picture number two, it's her and Nascar Girl. Remember Nascar, if you are going to have a picture posted on the internet, it might as well be a good one.

Buffalo Wild Wings v. Tornado

2006-10-03T17:38:00.000-05:00

Last night I went with Cowboy, Mr. Fun and Johnnie B to watch MNF at Buffalo Wild Wings in Round Lake.

Wouldn't you know it, there was a fucking tornado warning while they were there. A tornado warning for those of you lucky enough to not know means that a funnel cloud has been sighted and there is the distinct possibility of having your roof ripped off.

Well as soon as the warning was sounded the nice folks at BWW went around and pulled down the nearly see through window shades which made me feel incredibly safe. I'm positive the broken shards wouldn't have made it through. Then they made the announcement for everyone to move away from the windows. Well I don't know if you've ever been there but moving away from the windows at a BWW's is like getting away from the water when you are in the middle of Lake Michigan. So, basically we were fucked if a really big wind came our way. Then to top it off the satellite dish went out and the game went off. But I have to say that the be all to end all was that the waitress service deteriorated into nothing during the whole ordeal. Here I am waiting to be thrown through the air like that cow in the movie, Twister with an empty 23oz. Beer glass in front of me. Do you think it possible the taps had to shut down due to the wind? I'm at a loss to explain it. I would think that getting as many full glasses out there in a potential tornado is win win for the restaurant. I can already hear them saying, "I'm sorry sir but we can't give you a free beer because the tornado knocked it down. That's an act of God."

Well as you can see, I survived the whole ordeal and did manage to have another beer or three.

Car Ribbons

2006-10-03T08:17:00.000-05:00

Typically, I really hate those magnetic car ribbons that cover a myriad of causes. I think that it is mostly because there are so many of them that they dilute any effect they might have.

Today though, I was driving behind someone that had an aqua blue one. On one of the sides it said, Support Strippers! Now that's a cause that I'd give a buck to.

Like Fine Wine.....

2006-09-29T15:54:00.000-05:00

Remember that girl with the plain brown hair who was in your high school classes that you never took a second look at because she was built like a boy and really didn't stand out like some of the other girls.

Well, what if she turned out to look like this as an adult. You'd probably be kicking yourself right now, wouldn't you?

Cathy Loch is that girl for me. I am probably over stating things a bit though. Cathy and I were casual friends in high school. We probably never would have dated in a million years. I was generally an immature idiot, still am in fact. She was already dating older guys. I just think that it extremely ironic. So, remember boys that nerdy girl that's really quiet, might turn out looking like this.

If you want to see some more pictures of Cathy, check out her film site at www.goldcastlefilms.com.

Have a good weekend!

Labor Day: And the Winner Is!

2006-09-26T17:44:00.000-05:00

Words simply cannot describe what is going on between The Fat Bastard and Mrs. Jones in this picture.

2006-09-26T17:42:00.000-05:00

In this photo, Fresh conducts a mock dramatization of his wife's crash to the patio.

Runner Up for Best Labor Day Pic!

2006-09-26T17:36:00.000-05:00

This is one of my prouder pictures of the evening. Here caught in mid flight is Mrs. Fresh trying her hand at stage diving. Below her is the unsuspecting Mr. Fresh. This resulted in big fall right onto the brick patio and a broken toe. Remember it's all fun and games to someone gets hurt. Actually, on second thought, it's was still all fun and games even after this. Please be sure to notice Mrs. Cowboy in the background doing some sort of Saturday Night Fever manuver.

Another Labor Day Pic!

2006-09-26T17:25:00.000-05:00

Here's a great picture of Mrs. Cowboy and Mrs. Fresh busting a move to 80's music on the picnic table.

More Labor Day Pics!

2006-09-26T17:20:00.000-05:00

Here's a picture of Dr. Jones who foolishly told Mrs. Fresh that he didn't want another shot. Mrs. Fresh gets what she wants. You'll notice that Dr. Jones is in medical scrubs. While I am certain he's done a few breast and pelvic exams, Dr. Jones is definitely not a real doctor. I'm still not sure why he got dressed up that way. Maybe it was to mend Mrs. Fresh's broken toe when she plunged from the table.

Labor Day Pics!

2006-09-26T17:03:00.000-05:00

Here is a picture of the Cowboy recovering from his boob rub. Boy, Mrs. Fresh must sure like you. You'll notice that the beer didn't leave his hand and was kept upright at all times.

Labor Day Pics!

2006-09-26T16:45:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned previously, Mr. & Mrs. Fresh had a blow out Labor Day party. There was tons of drinking and good times. And like the good friend that I am I made sure that Fresh got his digital out to document the shenanigans. Our first photo is courtesy of Mrs. Fresh and Cowboy. Mrs. Fresh, stand up hostess that she is, was rubbing her boobs san bra in anyone's face who would do a shot of Captain Morgan for her. Normally, I'm a Jim Beam guy but I'm willing to take one for the team once in awhile. This photo is right after the Cowboy's turn with the Captain. This is what happens when you get some overeager boob rubbing from Mrs. Fresh. I believe this resulted in a scraped knee for the Cowboy, but I don't recall him complaining about it.

You Can Take the Boy Out of Jersey

2006-09-19T14:08:00.000-05:00

But you can't take Jersey out of the boy.....

You Are 73% New Jersey!

You are definitely Jersey. Well done, my friend. You are most likely from this great state, and you fit right in. Odds are, you love being Jersey!

How New Jersey Are You?

You Are 72% North Jersey

Dude, you're a real North Jerseyan! As such, you've probably been down the shore this summer, shopped at Garden State, taken the PATH into the city, and gone to at least one Bon Jovi concert. However your score does leave a little room for improvement...

The Ultimate North Jersey Quiz
Create Your Own Quiz

People Are Idiots

2006-09-14T17:44:00.000-05:00

The bank that I have my account at has a combo drive up window and drive up atm line. The bank also has 4 other drive up bank lanes. Wouldn't you know it, everytime I go to the fucking place, some dumbass is doing some obviously complicated bank transaction like cashing in their welfare check for pennies which needs to be counted one by one in the atm lane when all four other lanes are open. Use your fucking heads people!

NASCAR Weekend Pictures

2006-09-12T16:28:00.000-05:00

As promised awhile ago here are some pics from our Nascar Trip....

Here is our redneck compound. Notice the wing back leather chairs. I spent a number of hours sleeping off the night before in those chairs.

Another shot of the compound. I took these on the last day because I was too drunk to remember to take them any other time. The flags were much more impressive when they were flying above the trailer but I think you get the idea.

Here is picture of our fearless leader, Mr. Clean whipping up some vittles for us the first night we were there.

Our lounging area. Notice the $500k motorcoach just across the way.

This pretty much says it all.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation!

2006-09-11T12:45:00.000-05:00

Wow, it has been a busy Summer and early Fall. Work continues to be a bear. I now know why people go into their work places and kill everyone. If I hear one more complaint about the "seating chart", I am going to bring in a paintball gun and shoot everyone who has made my life hell over the past few months. I'm not sure that one gun will be enough though.

Socially, the Carrotpenis' have been really busy as well. Much of our Summer revolved around having drinks with good friends and hoping the kids weren't burning the house down while we were. The trip to NASCAR with Cowboy and friends was a great time (see post below). We also attended/hosted a bunch of impromtu, magarita happy hour parties that often turned into foolish late nights before a day of work parties. At 37, you'd think I would know better but alas I am still a certified dumbass. Mr. & Mrs. Fun thanks for organizing those events.

Had a couple wild evenings with Cowboy, his wife, my wife and other various friends. One memorable one involved the four of us running the majority of the dinner crowd out a small Italian restaurant due to our boisterous behavior at the adjacent bar. The girls ended up dancing on said bar and Cowboy's wife gave me a fabulous picture of her cleavage which can be seen above. There are also some other fun pictures that I am unable to share due to confidentiality reasons. This is of course assuming that Cowboy's wife does not blab to Mrs. Carrotpenis about any of my drunken shenanigans i.e. passing out at Nascar for 150 laps of race after overserving self at the hospitality tent, ever again. Otherwise, all bets are off.

We went to a Labor Day party at Fresh's in our old neighborhood that was great fun. The Fat Bastard was there and insisted on going out and getting the ingredients for Jager Bombs (Jagermeister & Red Bull) after everyone at the party already had plenty to drink. Then proceeded to organize the polishing off of the entire bottle of Jager in like 15 minutes. Subsequent highlights after the Jager was consumed include the following debauchery...Cowboy blacking out for the next two hours including the ride home. Fat Bastard mooning the entire party much to the chagrin of his somewhat sober wife. The tearing of Fat Bastard's shirt off by Fresh's drunk wife. Again, much to the chagrin of Fat Bastard's wife. Cowboy and Fresh's wives table dancing to 80's music on an outdoor pinic table. And finally, the unsuccessful spontaneous stage dive of Fresh's wife off of the picnic table into Fresh's unsuspecting arms; which resulted in a plunge onto the brick patio and a broken toe. Yeah, nothing like a quiet evening in the suburbs.
I will continue to update you all with the rest of my Summer fun next time. I also promise to include some more pictures.

I Know! I Know!

2006-07-20T13:56:00.000-05:00

I know there were promises of longer posts and pictures, but fuck that. I am out of the office all next week on VACATION and trying to leave with a good conscious. Well that isn't at all happening. Now instead of getting caught up a bit, I have to run over to an all employee meeting that lasts like two hours. The only upside is that they serve snacks and drinks (and alcoholic ones to boot) afterwards! Damn, and I promised myself that I'd show up sober for margarita night tonight. Well, that's not going to happen now is it.

In an effort, to make up for broken promises, I am going to share my blog find of the week. If you like pretty women like I do and you have an hour or so to waste, check out the the following blog...ChicksnBreasts! It show pictures of beautiful girls from various Flickr accounts. I recommend clicking on the links to the Flikr accounts of the pictures you like. There are usually a whole album of the same girls. Enjoy!

Top 10 Things Heard at NASCAR!

2006-07-12T13:41:00.000-05:00

Cowboy actually contributed the majority of this one. I hope to have a longer post about the weekend along with pictures up shortly.

Top 10 Things Heard at NASCAR this weekend....

10. "Man, you can eat some corn!"

9. "Are you boys real cowboys?...I can't quit you!"

8. "Ever been to jail...the food sucks!"

7. "We're going to the white tent!"

6. "What are you looking at?"

5. "I'm sorry but were going to bed now and you'll have to leave!"

4. "How the hell did that chair miss those cars?"

3. "Move along please, nothing to see here!"

2. "Wow, you're the same age as my mom!"

1. "If you be my wing man, I'll take the mother!"

The Chase Car

2006-07-07T12:49:00.000-05:00

Cowboy and I are in the chase car. Since the RV can't cover as much ground as we can, we stopped at Hooters in Downers Grove for a catch up beer. The scenery was well worth the stop. I hate the tacky panty hose the waitresses wear though. Can't they come up with something better?

Get ir Done!

2006-07-07T11:32:00.000-05:00

I'm enroute to the mecca of white trash for this weekend, Joliet, IL. Six buddies and I are taking an RV to the NASCAR race. I expect there to be outright ugliness and if sober enough will do some posts from the Crackberry. Get ir Done!

I'm Going Blind!

2006-06-29T15:02:00.000-05:00

I found this one on Tits & Toast and had a good a laugh about it. I also like the one that says "Everytime you masturbate a kitten dies!" I always feel sorry for all the kittens out there. Ha! Happy Almost Friday!

We Want the Lion!!!!

2006-06-28T11:07:00.000-05:00

We Want the Lion!!! We Want the Lion!!!

For those of you who don't know, I did about a 6 year stint of what I like to call "honing my social skills!" at Penn State University in State College, PA. While I've certainly done a lot of growing up since then, I certainly did a lot when I was there.

In August, The Wife, The Girl, The Boy and I are all driving out to State College for the weekend. One of my fraternity brothers who lives there is having a blow out 10th anniversary party complete with J.R. Mangan playing on his back patio. It will be the first time that I've been there for any extended period of time since I left in May of 1995 to move out here to the northern burbs of Chicago. Over the past week, I have been finalizing plans for our trip out there. Then out of the blue today someone sent me one of those emails that starts with "You know you went to Penn State if...." Since I am feeling a bit nostalgic, here it is. I went through and added a few more to the list and have highlighted the ones that applied to me.

You know you went to Penn State if...

You've had a pony at the Skellar. (How about a whole case of ponies!)

You were attacked by a squirrel. I once saw one run up a girls back and then right down her arm to take an acorn that she was trying to feed to other squirrels. Fucking hilarious!

You've wondered why the heck anyone sits in the front row of class in the Forum building.

You tried to find a way into the tunnel system.

You've had your car towed away by Tennis' or Walk's.

You're ok with no name being on your jersey.

You were sure that Sharon or Deb had a crush on you.

You start to hold your breath before the drum major even starts running out for the flip.

You've been involved in a soda cup brawl with 10,000 of your closest friends.

You were half frozen after walking across Parking Lot 80 on the way to class from East Halls.

Someone tells you they lived on Beaver for three years and you don't think that's odd.

You long for your neighbors to come by chanting "tits on glass".

Every once in a while you just crave a Chicken Cosmo (and you know what it is).

You've ever had a Tonto's Demise, Original Sin, Cherry Bombs, or an El Nino.

You know what a monkey boy is.

You've called for a taxi and a 1984 Chevy Nova pulls up.

You've participated in THON.

When someone says "Teas" only one particular type of beverage comes to your mind and Lipton doesn't make it.

You've enjoyed the fine cuisine that was Cluck U Chicken.

You don't know the goddamn words.

You passed more than one class using Nittany Notes.

You know how to "penny lock" someone inside a room.

You've debated the validity and proper use of the terms "soda" and "pop" as well as "gum band" and "rubber band."

You've wanted, and gotten, the Lion.

You've enjoyed burritos as big as your head.

You participated in turning a yearly cultural and artistic event into an event synonymous with partying.

Sleeping through fire alarms is not so much a decision as it is a practice.

Being drunk at 2 pm at Cafe 210 is not sad but rather an honor and a privilege.

You've had to dodge an OPP van that's driving on the sidewalk.

You think of Calder Way as your personal outdoor toilet.

You're sure Velveeta and Green Eggs and Spam are almost big time.

You've ever taken the Loop to class.

You've ever been late to class because of the mass of freshmen that got on the Loop at East Halls, only to get off one stop later.

You're going to hell, because according to Gary the Willard Preacher, everyone at Penn State is going to hell.

You've ever wondered if the Willard Preacher knew something that you didn't.

You've decided the Willard Preacher was half nuts.

You still have uncountable and unpaid parking tickets from campus that you got because you were too lazy to walk.

You remember Uncle Chens General Tso's chicken.

You can call 867-5309, and actually have someone pick up on the other end.

You still have your IM Jerseys and occasionally wear them proudly.

You own a piece of Penn State clothing...for every day of the week...or month.

If you want to scream Hey! and clap your hands everytime you hear a cowbell.

You know what the hell "the Stacks" are.

You've ever laughed when a friend at another school told you that they couldn't imagine a better college experience.

You've drank Captain and Cokes out of a pitcher on Tuesday nights.

You've been to Movin' On.

Scheduled your courses in Spring so you could spend Friday afternoons sitting outside at the Cafe.

You had a Grad student teaching you a really hard Physics class named Bang Yi Yang and his first statement was "I not speak velly good englis".

Fast Break was not just a basketball term.

It seems odd for McDonald's to be busier at 6pm than at 3am.

Sideshow Bob was not just a Simpson's character.

You've been to Table Wars and seen the Phyrst Family.

Asking for "a Lager" can only be taken one way.

There's nothing odd about sitting in the balcony of the auditorium for class...or falling asleep there.

Still think the G-Man has the best wings you've ever had.

Think College Pizza is the best drunk food ever.

Grilled Sticky is part of your personal lexicon.

You know somebody who has either humped or urinated on that metal pig downtown.

You thought it was perfectly normal to sleep on the floor of The HUB Fishbowl in between classes.

You become outraged to find anyone charge more than a buck for a slice of pizza.

You say the name "Joe" and no last name is required.

Think Natural Light or Beast isn't actually that bad.

Know where country roads really take you home to.

You would go back and do it all over again!

Here are my additions....

You knew the $1 pitcher and 10 cent wing schedule by heart in order to conserve money.

You sold your books back before the end of the sememster to go to $1 pitcher and 10 cent wing night.

You know what it means to jump over the fence at the Lion's Den.

You saw Rusted Root at a fraternity party.

You've stopped at the bank on Friday to pick up a button.

You had to pick up a keg on Tuesday for a Wednesday night party.

You've drank Green Shit or Red Shit.

You've had Unidogs at 2:15am and thought they tasted good.

You've passed out after Friday Happies at the G-Man, but got up just in time for the fraternity parties to start.

You've slipped and fell on the tile floor at the Saloon.

You've gone to the Lion Shrine at 3am just for fun.

You've been asked to leave McClanahans for being drunk in the afternoon.

You've been to Beaver Stadium at night when no one was there or better yet had sex on the 50 yard line.

You've eaten gold fish at the Pink Elephant or had a beer at Taco Bell.

You thought that going out for half price drinks on Sunday night was perfectly acceptable.

If you can think of any others to add leave me a comment. Or if you want me to clarify any of them, I'd be happy to do so. Let's Go State!

Live from the Metra

2006-06-22T11:21:00.000-05:00

Twice this week already, there has been no bar car on the train ride home. First of all, WTF is up with that? I can't imagine that the bar car breaks; there's really nothing to break. Or that they ever clean that rolling health department violation. So, where the hell does it go?

Well the lack of the bar car, forces me to look like an even bigger alcoholic than I already do since I'm probably one of the only people on the train who has brought their own cup, ice and vodka with them. Well at least I had a cocktail (or three) while the rest of the losers were dry for the evening ride home. Ha!

Yesterday, Fat Religious Guy was sitting in the same car as the Mick and I sans the his hot foreign cult members. He was sweating profusely even though the train car was very cool. I was afraid he was going pick that day to take his big heart attack digger. Mostly because I was in a hurry to get home last night. Luckily, it appears his body was just trying to get rid of some of the extra Mountain Dew in his system; because his big sweaty ass got up and lumbered off the train at the stop before mine.

The Rooster hasn't been around too much on the train with The Mick and me. She prefers to ride with the geriatric alcoholics one train earlier than ours. Apparently, The Mick and I staring at her boobs isn't enough for her. She demands more attention that that and the dozen or so lecherous "Sugar Daddies" do it for her. Oh, the free wine on Thursdays and free vodka on Fridays probably have something to do with it as well. Have I mentioned that The Rooster could probably beat my ass in a fight? Cock a doodle Do!

Just my luck this morning, I was running late for work. Then The Wife's crappy SUV with no AC had a very low tire when I went out the jump in it this morning. This meant I had to run to the Pakistani run gas station by my house to get air in the tire making me miss the direct train to the office. I then had to take two trains to get to work. To make matters worse, while I was at the transfer station waiting for the second train which was also late, the Senior VP called me on my cell phone to find out if I could come to his office for a conference call. I may play the lottery later, because apparently I am due.

Well I better run. My office is starting to look like a bomb went off.

It's Like Africa Hot!

2006-06-20T08:11:00.000-05:00

The Boy and I spent Father's day on a Fun with Son weekend camping with the Cub Scouts at Camp Okarro in Wadsworth, IL. Here are some random highlights and observations from the excursion.

First off it was really fucking hot, like Africa hot. And as luck would have it, Camp Okarro has zero places to cool off in the water unless you count the slime covered mosquito infested Lake Skippy. The Boy and I literally sweated our asses off by the end of the weekend. This was fine for me because I have plenty of ass to sweat off; but The Boy is just bone and gristle. Fortunately, like most 7 years olds he's also dumb and oblivious to any temperature changes.
Since there was only one other father son combo from our pack there, we were put in the "Special" combo camp site with the other loser packs with only a few participants. Boy, that was a fun experience. My favorite co-camper of the weekend was Mailman Bob. Mailman Bob as you can guess is a mail man with 33 years of experience. In his spare time, he and his son Little Bob do Civil War renactments. They have their own uniforms. Bob had a full beard and looked like a skinny 60 year old Grizzly Adams. In addition to his Civil War interests, Mailman Bob also has a Beatles museum in his home which was featured on the show Wild Chicago. The reason I know all this is that Mailman Bob told me this about himself in the first 30 seconds I met him. He then didn't shut the fuck up talking about his quirky interests for the rest of the weekend. I now know more about Civil War renactments than I ever wanted to and feel very sorry for Little Bob.
Our other two co-campers of the weeked were Rusty (I'm not making this up.) and Tom. Both were nerdy chemists from Abbott Labs which you as you can imagine is a recipe for fun and excitement. Both sat around all weekend and read sci-fi books (big surprise there, I know) while their kids ran around like idiots. Oh, I almost forgot. Tom in a moment of parental brillance left his annoying nephew Colin at the event for three hours while he ran home, showered and watched tennis. Hey, fuckface, it's called Fun with Son Weekend for a reason. Otherwise they'd call it Leave Your Dumbass Kid in the Woods Weekend.
The Boy and I did all of the violent father son activities they had like shooting BB guns, Archery, and Sling shots. I am thinking of quitting my job and becoming a sniper after the performance I had on the gun range. Though, I think they may frown on the fact that I have the attention span of a humming bird.
Can anyone explain to me why so many loser dad/kids end up in scouting? It's fun and they do a bunch of really cool shit. Yet, the losers of society end up participating in it. The majority of people there are the biggest pack of nerds ever. I know there's no chicks there, but you can meet them at other activities like sports. It's also of huge interest to the obese children and their fat parents. I saw this fat fucker put about a pound of mayonaisse on his sandwich while his fat ass father sat and downed to burgers in about 20 seconds. And people wonder why our kids are so heavy.

Well I better get to work here before the pile gets any bigger.

I Knew It!

2006-06-15T14:41:00.000-05:00

You Are 62% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

How Evil Are You?

Tales from the Metra

2006-06-15T09:07:00.001-05:00

I've been back to riding the Metra fairly regular as of late. The Metra for those of you not in the know is the name of the train lines that run from the suburbs to the city of Chicago. I am fortunate enough, however, to be able to use it to commute from my house in a far North suburb to my office in a near North suburb. It's a sweet deal actually!

Well yesterday the whole cast of charaters was in the bar car on the way home. Fat Religious Guy was there. The Beckster was there. St. Louis was there. Kermit and his famous bag of disgusting chips were there. Heavy D was there. Stacy or Tracy (I can never fucking remember.) the Movie Guy was there. It was a regular who's who of freaks and geeks riding the train. And of course the Mick and I were there. The only people missing were the Rooster and "I".

I'm beginning to think that Fat Religious Guy may be the leader of a cult. Perhaps even the reincarnation of David Koresh. He's alway got a least one hot looking foreign girl hanging on his every bible banging word. I've seen at least three different ones and they keep coming back for more. I find this very suspicious. If I hear anything about Waco, I may call the ATF so they can tranquilize him with one of those big elephant guns. It may take a big dart to bring him down though as that gigantic fucker is all hopped up on Moutain Dew. He drinks it right from the 2 liter bottle on the train. Yesterday, he had a bag with three reserve bottles poking out of it. I feel sorry for that heart of his and hope I'm not close by when he goes down for the count.

Note to self, think carefully about giving Heavy D any more cocktails on the train. Yesterday, I shared some of my Jim Beam minis with him and he got all salty talking about his brother-in-law. I want fun and humor on the train not stories of bitter family life. I can get that right at home.

The Mick and I saw this really fat guy with the smallest umbrella ever. It barely covered his gigantic melon. Reminded me of Chris Farley in "Fat Guy in Little Coat", but this time it was "Fat Guy with Little Umbrella!" Rooster, I think it was someone that works at your office. Then not two seconds later, we saw this guy wearing a Ralph Lauren Polo Shirt that had an enormous oversized Polo logo on it. It looked almost cartoonish it was so big. Like Flavor Flav wearing a big clock. Boy you must be really label concious to wear something like that.

Speaking of fashions, I am going to round out this post with a little tip. Ladies, I know that I've mentioned this in a post or two before because it's a personal pet peeve of mine. But since I've seen at least three instances of this blunder over the past few weeks it's obvious some of you out there need reminding. White panty hose and stockings only look good on about one in 50 million people and those people are all super models. The rest of you look like you have two big sausages under your skirt wearing high heeled shoes. It's not attractive even if you husband or significant other lied and told you he liked them. He probably just wanted you to give him a blow job anyway.

Well, I better run. The man needs his pound of flesh.

Stupid License Plate O' The Day

2006-06-09T07:08:00.000-05:00

While driving to work, I just saw the nerdiest looking guy ever driving a small penis compensating Ford Mustang. His license plate read KEWL DAD! If you have to tell people, you probably need to rethink the title.

Sorry about the lack of posts. Life has been in a bit of turmoil with the move. Plus we still aren't back on-line at home. I have lots of funny shut to report and hope to start posting again next week.

Sent from my Crackberry Handheld!

All is Now Right with the World

2006-05-18T08:13:00.000-05:00

Well probably not, but I know that it's a better place now that America voted and that ugly Goat Boy looking, Elliot Yamin is headed back from whence he came, hopefully never to be seen again. I am sure he has huge potential on the cartoon voice over circuit, but I just can't stand to look at him.

Stupid License Plate O' the Day

2006-05-16T08:13:00.000-05:00

I SU U 2 - fucking lawyers!

Sent from my crackberry wireless while driving to work.

I Am the Pot!!!

2006-05-11T13:23:00.000-05:00

I guess it's time to do another post. I was just about to mock the Rooster for not posting on a regular basis and low and behold I noticed that I was the proverbial Pot calling the Kettle black. It's been easily a week since my last little ditty so here goes...

First a giant congrats to my loyal reader Evil Twin 1 and her hubby Heavy D. They just brought home their adorable bouncing baby boy, Antonio, from Guatemala. Their adoption saga was one for the record books but, finally things are all good. Yeah! Evil Twin. I bet you are almost back to your prebaby shape already. Also, I find it strange that the baby looks just like Squiggers. Conincidence, I wonder?
America, WTF is going on with American Idol. Goat Boy remains and Chris leaves. I don't know that I can watch any longer. Kat, if you want to remain, you might want to pull out a sluttier outfit this week. That potato sack you wore for the first song isn't going to get you any extra votes.
Sports Bra girl is on a three day stint at the gym. I love when Sports Bra Girl is there; it makes working out all the more fun. Sport Bra Girl as you can probably guess is the very pretty woman with great breasts who wears a sport bra when she works out at the gym. She is also nice enough to work out on the the elliptical trainer so there's a lot of up and down action going on. While she has a little bit of junk in trunk, she has a nice face and great upper body. I've also noticed that the sports bra she's wearing has been getting smaller and smaller each day this week. I am going tomorrow just to see if she's working out in pasties.
It took me an unbelievable 105 minutes to get to work today and I only live 25 miles from the office. That averages out to like 14 mph. The speed limit on my street is the lowest of my entire trip and that is 25 mph. I simply cannot understand why the moment it rains in Chicago everyone turns retarded and can't drive. Now I can understand this happening when it snows because you have expats from the south and elsewhere that have relocated here and don't have a fucking clue what a snowflake looks like. But come on people it's rain, it rains everywhere, you must have driven in it before. Put your foot on the gas and go.
The Rooster, Mick and I went to lunch at our newly reopened Zippy's this week. Rooster ogled some maintenance workers from UL while the Mick and I ogled the North Shore MILFs that were there with their ghastly little Polo clad children. Rooster is in Vegas this weekend and has promised us pictures from the topless pool at the Stratosphere. Personally, I am not going to hold my breath. If anyone is going to be there, be sure to look for her; she'll be the one with big lips and big breasts. Remember Rooster, whatever happens in Vegas, comes back and becomes a hilarious story for happy hour on the train. And I want a picture of the porn star.
Tomorrow I am blowing off work to go down to the Cubs Game on a vendor boondoggle. Free Beer, Free Ride, and Skybox to boot. As long as we don't get rained out, things should be all good. My plan is go get some pictures to post on the blog. Stay tuned for those. Here's one from last years event!

Well I've got a report to get done before I leave today, so I gotta run. Hey, if you are reading, leave me a comment and let me know who's out there. Peace out!

Live from the Metra...

2006-05-03T12:09:00.000-05:00

I was getting off at my usual stop this morning when I noticed a women sitting down with her birth control pills out of her purse. I thought this was a bit odd. She then proceeds to punch one of holder and dry shoot it into her mouth. I guess if you take the train every day it's a way to remember, but so is when you brush your teeth. I then come to realize that it is a woman I with. I then further begin to realize that she's not a person I ever wanted to imagine naked or worse yet, having sex. I'm glad I didn't eat anything for breakfast today.

Ladies or Guys for that matter, what do you think? Is a commuter train an appropriate place to take your birth control pills? I guess it really isn't that big of a deal in the scheme of things. I mean it's not like she was inserting a Today Sponge or anything. Maybe she was just advertising to the available men on the train her birth control status to lure someone in. Is that something women actually do?

Random Thought on American Idol

2006-05-02T22:35:00.000-05:00

Does anyone else think that Elliot Yamin looks like Jim Breuer doing his Goat Boy impression on SNL?

I can barely look at him when he's on camera.

Buyer Beware...

2006-04-27T14:32:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned in my prior post, the guy that purchased our house is a real prick. We've tried to be very fair during the whole negotiation but he clearly gets his rocks off by being as difficult as possible. Well now he's gone and pissed me off (see previous post) and I am now plotting ways to secretly make him sorry he was such a dickhead during the whole ordeal...Here are a few random ideas I'm thinking of. Let me know if you can think of anything devious to spring on him after he takes possession of his dream home.

1. I've further developed the retarded girl idea of from my last post and decided to tell her that they are huge Patrick Swayze fans and that his wife's name is Christina just like the other two in the neighborhood. That will gurantee she will stop by just about every time she rolls past on her bike.

As some back up information, there is a 300lb mentally challenged girl that rides her bike incessantly through our neighborhood. She only knows two primary conversations. One about Patrick Swayze and one about the two Christina's that live in our neighborhood. She traps anyone that makes eye contact with her and talks about whichever one happens to be on her mind at the time. I used to feel sorry for her but after listening to these two converstations about a thousand times, the shine has worn off that apple. I now run in the garage and hide when I see her coming. I'm a pussy, I know. A favorite game of mine is to not tell the wife that she's coming and quietly slip away. She is then forced to talk about the two Christina's. Damn I am going to miss that one when we move.

2. I'm contemplating not cleaning up all the dog shit that has been accumulating in back since there was snow on the ground. I'm thinking that will be an added treat fun the first time he mows the grass.

3. This one is a given but I'm just tickled by imagining the first time he hears the smoke alarm go off when the oven hits around 400 degrees. This happen just about every time you cook with the temp that high. Hey bud, it's breaker number 5 in the box. I know it well.

4. I am going to conveniently forget to remove the yellow jacket nest in the cross post of the swing set.

5. I am going to remove all of the wiring for the cable TV in the garage. That fucker doesn't deserve to watch the Cubs and drink beer in the garage with his buddies. He'll just have to be responsible and watch his kids in the driveway.

6. I'm not going to remove that nasty hair plug from the drain in the upstairs bathroom before we leave. In a few months, when the shower starts to drain slowly, he'll be forced to picked the wadded up greasy ball of my pubes out of the hair trap. I think this one may be the most satisfying for me. (TMI perhaps?)

Well on that note, I am going to get back to work. If you can think of any other ways to fuck this guy over without overtly screwing up the close, please let me know

More Random Fun & Excitement!

2006-04-26T08:40:00.000-05:00

Here's what's been going on in the Land of Carrotpenis....

Well it's official, the Carrotpenis' are packing up their things and moving to Beverly. Well not actually cross country, in fact, pretty much right across the street. We sold the current tenament we are living in and on May 31st, we'll be upgrading to what I like to call a "Double Wide". If anyone is interested in assisting with the move (Yeah Right!), the beer will be cold and plentiful. As you can see, I am certainly not against a bribe.
Of course as luck would have it, I decided to sell my house to an utter jackass. This guy has been the biggest prick ever in terms of negotiations. He just jammed me for $600 for something totally cosmetic during the home inspection. I would have told him to fuck off, but the Mrs. Penis would have killed me if she lost her dream home over $600 bucks. I hope he enjoys the leaky fridge and squeaking toilet (missed in the home inspection) I was originally going to fix for him, but now refuse to so because he has been such an asshole. Oh yeah, I also am going to inform the retarded girl that rides her bike around the neighborhood and talks everyone's ear off that the new owners said that she was welcome over anytime. I can just picture him now hearing the story about Patrick Swayze for the 100th time. Or better yet, the one about how there are two Christina's that live in the neighborhood. Ooh! I do love that one. That's worth a $1000 bucks right there.
Mrs. Carrotpenis and I went away for the weekend to Door County, Wisconsin sans the kids. While I was a little reluctant to do so, I have to admit I had a really good time. There was great company, great food, and a lot of pretty scenery. I also got to get a round of golf in with the guys which certainly doesn't suck.
After several weeks of pretty much non-stop driving to work, I caught the train this morning. What a nice relief to sit and relax on the way to work rather than being caught in the slow crawl with a bunch of fuck face impatient assholes. The Mick and I also boosted our IQ level by having a lengthy discussion on how the deer population in the local forest preserves could be controlled by introducing some jaguars and lions. I'm also betting it would thin out some of the stupid people as well for an added bonus.
Someone has put the kebosh on the on-line suggestion box. That's bittersweet for me. On one side, I will finally be free of answering questions about burnt popcorn and capri pants. On the other hand, I won't be able to blog about the idiots making suggestions about burnt popcorn and capri pants. In other news, productivity has more than doubled since the suggestion box was taken down.

Well I better get back to work....I think my next post will be about how else I have secretly fucked over the guy who bought my house because he screwed me out of the $600 that I was going to use to buy my new Weber grill. Stay Tuned!

Worst Show Ever: My Sweet 16!

2006-04-20T11:08:00.000-05:00

The other night I had a lack of Tivoed shows that I watch; so, I was doing a bit of channel surfing. You wouldn't think that I'd run out of crime dramas with like 50 of them on at all times of the day, but I did. Well at one point in the evening, I found myself watching My Sweet 16 on MTV. That has to be the worst fucking show ever. The whole premise of the show explains why the rest of the world hates us so much. Here's the gist...Parents with not two brain cells to rub together but who have been lucky enough to be blessed with a wad of cash, waste a huge amount of their money on an overpriced sweet 16 birthday party for their spoiled, disrespectful, pretentious, money grubbing child. Everyone one of these people should be shot, especially the parents.

The episode that I suffered through a few minutes of was about this fat kid named Aaron whose father is a bigshot record producer and mother is Pebbles, the 80's pop flash in the pan. First off, if that fat fucker isn't gay in denial, I don't know who is. The whole show he was whining like a baby about how things aren't going his way. The topper was when he almost cried when pulling up to the club where the party was and seeing that there were cars parked in front of his red carpet.

What these parents should really do is drop these fucking worthless kids in some impoverished area with no money, cell phone or means of transportation and see if they can last more than 15 minutes. On second thought, their parents can join them too.

I am dumber for the whole experience.

Business Casual?

2006-04-13T13:46:00.000-05:00

For those of you not in the know, The Rooster does Risk Management work for a large company. Part of her job involves touring production facilities to do safety inspections. She just found out yesterday that a corporate mandate requires her to wear one of these extremely sexy jumpsuits. This is going really top off the hard hat and steel tipped boot ensemble she's been donning lately. I wonder if they come in pink?

I was also cracked up by the description in the catalog...Concealed slit in front pocket allows access to inner garments. (Is there a lot of hot guys at these facilities that requires easy access to inner garments?) Reinforced at legs and seat for long wear. (What about the knees; I'd think that would be extremely important?) The burning question is though...Rooster, are you corporately mandated to wear anything underneath these nifty numbers or can you just go commando?!?

Further Proof that I am a Jackass!

2006-04-07T16:46:00.000-05:00

Discovered this morning that for the past three days I've been taking my wife's Methotrexate pills for an autoimmune disease instead of my thyroid pills. I am such a dumbass. At least they weren't her birth control pills, I guess.

I am very hungry!

2006-04-05T11:14:00.000-05:00

The Rooster, Mick and I are going out to lunch today at 11:45am and I am already so hungry I want to chew my foot off. We are going to Traxx; they have tatertots as a side dish. Gotta, love the tots! Alas, Bobby won't be with us. He's taken a job at a downtown office and we only get to see him on the train occaisionally now. That takes the humor level down a notch. Hopefully, the Rooster will wear a low cut blouse to make up for it. I will keep you posted.

Random Fun & Excitement!

2006-03-23T14:51:00.000-06:00

Here's just a random sampling of the fun and excitement otherwise known as my like...

First off, to the fucking idiot with the Illinois license plate that reads RN A TAB, here's my middle finger to you. Maybe your license plate should read DRVNG STOOPID. When you see an accident up ahead and people merging, get your damn ass over; don't stay in the left lane until the last possible moment and then cut in your like your all pissed off that the people who have been waiting patiently didn't accomodate your sorry ass. Well I digress.
Was berated like a child by a member of management because in a rage they fucked something up and I wasn't able to call in a favor and fix it. That was fun let me tell you. And after the fact, I'm kinda glad I couldn't fix it after all.
Had a little cocktail party on the train yesterday with The Mick and our new "train friend" Big D. If you haven't tried Jim Beam Black, I highly suggest it. Big D is one of those people who is kind of heavy but looks like they have a skinny person trapped inside of them. I also think he may be having a cocktail party at work starting just after lunch as he always reeks of liquor and cigarettes.
Found out that "I" (another train friend)'s company is thinking of going to jeans five days a week. For a moment, I actually thought of calling their switchboard to complain about it so she'd have to keep wearing short skirts to work. She has legs that most women would kill for. And hopefully in the next 90 days or so, it's going to warm up here in Chicago.
Just realized I can't wait for it to warm up so that the standard attire of long pants, turtle necks and parkas can be put in moth balls and replaced with belly shirts, skirts with no stockings and tanned skin. Not just on "I" but on the masses in general. Mick, you can leave your belly shirt at home.
Am up to my ears in trying to sell our house. I just cannot believe the crap you have to do to sell your humble abode. If our shitty carpet was good enough for us for 10 years, why the hell do I have to put new in for people I don't even know. If you know of anyone looking for a place in the northern burbs, let me know and I will send them a link to our listing.

Well I better run, "The Man" has a little more blood to suck from me before the end of the day. I am taking the day off tomorrow to watch the Union Labor put the carpeting down. Everyone have a safe and happy weekend!

Where Did All the Time Go?

2006-03-17T12:14:00.000-06:00

Holy crap! I just realized that I did my first post on the Chronicles, February 14, 2005 and I have been posting to this little trainwreck for over a year. Today is just over 1 year and one month in fact. Over the past year and 33 days, I have done 212 posts, 213 if you count this one. That breaks down to 1.8685 posts per day. Not too shabby, considering how infrequent they have been as of late. I also thought this was a good time to look at the old Stat Counter to see where we stand after the first year. Well here goes...Over the last 398 days, I had over 22,000 pages loads, over 15,000 unique visitors, 11,ooo first time visitors, and 4200 returning visitors. Not sure what that means, but at least somebody is reading this piece of shit.

Thanks to all of you who have been reading on a regular basis and even checking back during my work imposed semi-hiatus. A special thanks to those of you who either commented or provided fodder for me to write about including but certainly not limited to those that follow:

Rooster & Mick- You realize that when the level of our regular train rides and lunches dropped so did the quality of my writing. Let's work on that.
Drunken Master and Melina- Thanks for the comments. I would have a drink with either of you anytime. Nice pigtails by the way; not you Master.
To My Life is God's Comic Strip- Thanks for all the visitors! Remember, all men are jackasses; there is simply no way of getting around it. You just need to find one that looks good and doesn't piss you off too much.
Cowboy and Fresh- That for the content, let's keep that up. Fresh, I have bottle of Barcardi. I am sure you can make that into something worth writing.
Fat Bastard, Paper Lady, and Harvard- Thanks for always reading. Leave some comments once in a while.

If I missed anyone I apologize. Oh yeah, last but certainly not least, thanks to my wife for refusing to read the blog. Your probably better off anyway. Well here's to another year. Happy St. Patrick's day. Be sure to have an Irish%

"Work is the Curse of the Drinking Class!" - Anonymous

2006-03-01T13:30:00.000-06:00

Found my blog post title while checking out MySpace and thought it pretty much sums up things for me today. I don't know who to attribute the quote to but it's certainly plagarized from some brillant mind.

I've also determined over the past few days that there are some really fucked up people on MySpace. There are also a ton of extremely hot lesbians that want nothing to do with men on there as well. Which there's definitely nothing wrong with except for the fact that I suspect that they are just porn stars trying to get guys to go to the websites. But I digress?

I've decided that a little fun side item of the blog would be to post myspace profiles that caught my fancy for one reason or another so that you could check them out. Well, this Biotch as she calls herself not only appears a bit fucked up, but she's also fairly hot in a bleach blond fake boobs sort of way. Again not that there's anything wrong with that. My myspace recommendation of the day is ForBiddeN. If you have any good ones that you've discovered and you think are worth posting, shoot their link my way.

On a final note, my office looks directly out over the front circle drive way at our building so I can see people coming and going all day. Well I just looked out the window and what is sitting there but a Mac Daddy stretch Ford Excursion limousine. You know like the ones you see for a bachelorette party or picking up horny Navy guys at the Gurnee Mills mall. Not only that but a whole bunch of foreign visitors, who were the ones riding in it, were taking pictures of it with their camera phones. We just hit a whole new level of class here at mothership.

Vegas Recap!

2006-02-27T22:16:00.000-06:00

Well since I didn't dive right in and do a post about this the moment I got back, I am guessing you already knew that my Vegas trip was pretty tame. Here are some random highlights anyway...

Probably the highlight of the trip, and this is pretty sad, was watching this prostitute and her 300lb 60 year old Asian John playing roulette. She had to have won $10,000 just in the few minutes that I was standing there. She then was nice enough to do this jump up and down dance much to the delight of onlookers, myself included, throughout the casino.
Discovered that Lions are probably the laziest fucking animals ever. The MGM has this glassed in lion display. No matter what time of the day or night that you wandered past the enclosure those damn things were sleeping with the nuts hanging out all over the place. You'd think they could train them to eat Siegfried or something fun like that.
Discovered that having boobs is directly proportional to the view of your hotel room. Me with no tits, worth mentioning at least, gets a fantastic view of the back alley. Boobed members of our entourage get a fantastic view of the strip. Go figure.
Saw a man child on all fours bark like a dog for drinks at Coyote Ugly just to have some ugly bitch pour peach schnaaps down his throats; damn I miss those days.
Discovered that in Vegas it's perfectly acceptable to smoke a cigarette and drink Bud Light from a can at 6:30 in the morning while waiting for your Egg McFucking Muffin in line at Mickey D's. It certainly made my Egg McFucking Muffin all the more delicious, let me tell you.
A final highlight of my little trip was winning back just about all that I lost the previous two nights by playing three hands of blackjack instead of going to my 8 o'clock meeting on time. Let me save face with The Wife by not having to tell her I lost a bundle.

Well gotta run, we're still sprucing up the trailer so we can move into that double wide. There's a paint brush a callin.

Vegass!!!

2006-02-16T14:45:00.000-06:00

I'm in Vegas for the next two days on a boondoggle. I mean business trip. So far it has been fairly tame. I am with the most boring group possible which probably explains it. I am by far the youngest person in the group and one of only two males. The group's idea of a wild evening is a glass of wine at dinner. Hard to have anything stay in Vegas with this pack of nerds. I may need to break away from the herd tonight. I will keep you posted.