Buyer Beware...

As I mentioned in my prior post, the guy that purchased our house is a real prick. We've tried to be very fair during the whole negotiation but he clearly gets his rocks off by being as difficult as possible. Well now he's gone and pissed me off (see previous post) and I am now plotting ways to secretly make him sorry he was such a dickhead during the whole ordeal...Here are a few random ideas I'm thinking of. Let me know if you can think of anything devious to spring on him after he takes possession of his dream home.

1. I've further developed the retarded girl idea of from my last post and decided to tell her that they are huge Patrick Swayze fans and that his wife's name is Christina just like the other two in the neighborhood. That will gurantee she will stop by just about every time she rolls past on her bike.

As some back up information, there is a 300lb mentally challenged girl that rides her bike incessantly through our neighborhood. She only knows two primary conversations. One about Patrick Swayze and one about the two Christina's that live in our neighborhood. She traps anyone that makes eye contact with her and talks about whichever one happens to be on her mind at the time. I used to feel sorry for her but after listening to these two converstations about a thousand times, the shine has worn off that apple. I now run in the garage and hide when I see her coming. I'm a pussy, I know. A favorite game of mine is to not tell the wife that she's coming and quietly slip away. She is then forced to talk about the two Christina's. Damn I am going to miss that one when we move.

2. I'm contemplating not cleaning up all the dog shit that has been accumulating in back since there was snow on the ground. I'm thinking that will be an added treat fun the first time he mows the grass.

3. This one is a given but I'm just tickled by imagining the first time he hears the smoke alarm go off when the oven hits around 400 degrees. This happen just about every time you cook with the temp that high. Hey bud, it's breaker number 5 in the box. I know it well.

4. I am going to conveniently forget to remove the yellow jacket nest in the cross post of the swing set.

5. I am going to remove all of the wiring for the cable TV in the garage. That fucker doesn't deserve to watch the Cubs and drink beer in the garage with his buddies. He'll just have to be responsible and watch his kids in the driveway.

6. I'm not going to remove that nasty hair plug from the drain in the upstairs bathroom before we leave. In a few months, when the shower starts to drain slowly, he'll be forced to picked the wadded up greasy ball of my pubes out of the hair trap. I think this one may be the most satisfying for me. (TMI perhaps?)

Well on that note, I am going to get back to work. If you can think of any other ways to fuck this guy over without overtly screwing up the close, please let me know

More Random Fun & Excitement!

Here's what's been going on in the Land of Carrotpenis....

• Well it's official, the Carrotpenis' are packing up their things and moving to Beverly. Well not actually cross country, in fact, pretty much right across the street. We sold the current tenament we are living in and on May 31st, we'll be upgrading to what I like to call a "Double Wide". If anyone is interested in assisting with the move (Yeah Right!), the beer will be cold and plentiful. As you can see, I am certainly not against a bribe.
• Of course as luck would have it, I decided to sell my house to an utter jackass. This guy has been the biggest prick ever in terms of negotiations. He just jammed me for $600 for something totally cosmetic during the home inspection. I would have told him to fuck off, but the Mrs. Penis would have killed me if she lost her dream home over $600 bucks. I hope he enjoys the leaky fridge and squeaking toilet (missed in the home inspection) I was originally going to fix for him, but now refuse to so because he has been such an asshole. Oh yeah, I also am going to inform the retarded girl that rides her bike around the neighborhood and talks everyone's ear off that the new owners said that she was welcome over anytime. I can just picture him now hearing the story about Patrick Swayze for the 100th time. Or better yet, the one about how there are two Christina's that live in the neighborhood. Ooh! I do love that one. That's worth a $1000 bucks right there.
• Mrs. Carrotpenis and I went away for the weekend to Door County, Wisconsin sans the kids. While I was a little reluctant to do so, I have to admit I had a really good time. There was great company, great food, and a lot of pretty scenery. I also got to get a round of golf in with the guys which certainly doesn't suck.
• After several weeks of pretty much non-stop driving to work, I caught the train this morning. What a nice relief to sit and relax on the way to work rather than being caught in the slow crawl with a bunch of fuck face impatient assholes. The Mick and I also boosted our IQ level by having a lengthy discussion on how the deer population in the local forest preserves could be controlled by introducing some jaguars and lions. I'm also betting it would thin out some of the stupid people as well for an added bonus.
• Someone has put the kebosh on the on-line suggestion box. That's bittersweet for me. On one side, I will finally be free of answering questions about burnt popcorn and capri pants. On the other hand, I won't be able to blog about the idiots making suggestions about burnt popcorn and capri pants. In other news, productivity has more than doubled since the suggestion box was taken down.

Well I better get back to work....I think my next post will be about how else I have secretly fucked over the guy who bought my house because he screwed me out of the $600 that I was going to use to buy my new Weber grill. Stay Tuned!

Worst Show Ever: My Sweet 16!

The other night I had a lack of Tivoed shows that I watch; so, I was doing a bit of channel surfing. You wouldn't think that I'd run out of crime dramas with like 50 of them on at all times of the day, but I did. Well at one point in the evening, I found myself watching My Sweet 16 on MTV. That has to be the worst fucking show ever. The whole premise of the show explains why the rest of the world hates us so much. Here's the gist...Parents with not two brain cells to rub together but who have been lucky enough to be blessed with a wad of cash, waste a huge amount of their money on an overpriced sweet 16 birthday party for their spoiled, disrespectful, pretentious, money grubbing child. Everyone one of these people should be shot, especially the parents.

The episode that I suffered through a few minutes of was about this fat kid named Aaron whose father is a bigshot record producer and mother is Pebbles, the 80's pop flash in the pan. First off, if that fat fucker isn't gay in denial, I don't know who is. The whole show he was whining like a baby about how things aren't going his way. The topper was when he almost cried when pulling up to the club where the party was and seeing that there were cars parked in front of his red carpet.

What these parents should really do is drop these fucking worthless kids in some impoverished area with no money, cell phone or means of transportation and see if they can last more than 15 minutes. On second thought, their parents can join them too.

I am dumber for the whole experience.

Business Casual?

For those of you not in the know, The Rooster does Risk Management work for a large company. Part of her job involves touring production facilities to do safety inspections. She just found out yesterday that a corporate mandate requires her to wear one of these extremely sexy jumpsuits. This is going really top off the hard hat and steel tipped boot ensemble she's been donning lately. I wonder if they come in pink?

I was also cracked up by the description in the catalog...Concealed slit in front pocket allows access to inner garments. (Is there a lot of hot guys at these facilities that requires easy access to inner garments?) Reinforced at legs and seat for long wear. (What about the knees; I'd think that would be extremely important?) The burning question is though...Rooster, are you corporately mandated to wear anything underneath these nifty numbers or can you just go commando?!?

Further Proof that I am a Jackass!

Discovered this morning that for the past three days I've been taking my wife's Methotrexate pills for an autoimmune disease instead of my thyroid pills. I am such a dumbass. At least they weren't her birth control pills, I guess.

I am very hungry!

The Rooster, Mick and I are going out to lunch today at 11:45am and I am already so hungry I want to chew my foot off. We are going to Traxx; they have tatertots as a side dish. Gotta, love the tots! Alas, Bobby won't be with us. He's taken a job at a downtown office and we only get to see him on the train occaisionally now. That takes the humor level down a notch. Hopefully, the Rooster will wear a low cut blouse to make up for it. I will keep you posted.