Stupid Rain!

All day yesterday the sun was out and the weather was beautiful. That is, until about two seconds before I am ready to hustle out the door to the train. Just my luck! When I hit the lobby it is absolutely pouring with thunder and lightning to boot (i have a small phobia about getting struck by lightning but we can save that for another day); and there I am with no fucking umbrella. Since I had a few extra minutes, I decided to run back up to my office to see if in my slackerdom I had one sitting there from a previous time when it rained in the morning, but I was too lazy to bring it home. By the way, just for this very reason, I have about 4 umbrellas in play at all times. I always have a couple in the trunk of my car because I know that I am notorious for leaving them at the office. Nothing sucks worse than getting out of your car in the morning to walk to the train in the rain and realizing you don't have an umbrella. The afternoon is almost as bad, but at least you don't have to sit in wet clothes for half the day at work.

Well wouldn't you know it, no umbrella in my office. I then resorted to a covert search of the community coat closet to see if there were any other slackers that had left theirs.

Side note...Ever steal an umbrella from a restaurant? Come on you know you have. It's pouring rain outside and you don't have one. There is like fifty in a pile on the floor. No one is around. Boom, you're dry and on your merry way. Don't lie.

Well as luck would have it, there was one in the coat closet. As I am now in jeopardy of being late for my train, I go flying out the door with my sack in one hand and the umbrella in the other. Since I put the umbrella up very quickly, I really didn't get a great look at what was embossed on it. Only after going to get on the train, do I notice that it's this very flamboyant, floral, Estee Lauder version. You know the kind that you get at Marshall Field's when you buy a $50 make up purchase at the gift counter. I figure I only walked past a few hundred other commuters with my "look I'm a woman trapped in a man's body" umbrella. Oh well, it certainly won't be the last time that I embarrass myself in public.

We're White Trash Rich Part Deux

Since the wife entered into semi-retirement a few months ago, things have been a bit strapped financially around the Carrotpenis household. We've all had to make some adjustments to our new financial situation. Gone are some of the luxuries we used to be accustom to. I for instance am no longer eating lunch. Since I am a big fat ass anyway, this is probably for the better.

Anyway, last week I decided to splurge on myself and pay for parking at the train station. I know, you're all wondering how can I get away with such opulence. When I went to take money out of the cash station, the balance was much higher than it should be. Or at least much higher than my wife has been telling me it is. When I asked (confronted) her about the the extra money, she said she had no idea what I was talking about.

After some complicated financial analysis, you know actually comparing the bank statements to the checking account register, we discovered an accounting error. Back in February when we got our tax refund and We Were White Trash Rich the first time, the Wife was apparently delirious about having a windfall of cash and forgot to enter one of my paycheck direct deposits into the checking account register. Woo Hoo! It's like winning the lottery. Looks like we'll be able to afford that big screen TV after all? I'm kidding about that. Hopefully, we can pay off some of the credit card debt we've accumulated. That said, the wife still thinks that I am a big fat ass. No lunch for you!

Wicked!

The Wife and I were riding the vendor gravy train again last night. A company that I use for my job wined and dined us at a really nice restaurant downtown followed by a special dress rehearsal of Wicked at the Oriental Theatre. Damn, I enjoy my job some days.

The play was awesome. It puts a really interesting spin on the Wizard of Oz story from the witches perspective. Goes to show you that things aren't always as they seem. If you have the opportunity to see it, I highly recommend that you do. Anna Gasteyer from Saturday Night Live plays one of the witches and she was phenomenal.

Metra: Fashion Tip!

Here's another one of my Metra fashion tips. These are taken from actually sightings on my train ride to and from work each day. If you are a man and you are carrying one of these bags and you are not with your wife and kids on the way to the pool or beach, you need to take a serious look at your level of masculinity. You might also want to do this if you are on the way to the pool or beach with said wife and kids and the wife is not laden down like a pack mule. Carry the pool chairs or one of the kids for Pete's sake.

They call these "Bitch Bags" for a reason.




Bitch Bag!

Metra: Stupid Idiots

This morning I had to run to an alternate train station to pick up a train ticket. Both of the stations where I get on and off the train don't have a ticket agent. And being the slacker I am, I never plan in advance to get a new 10 ride ticket. So, I occasionally have to make these out of the way runs. This morning I knew I was cutting it close in terms of being able to run into the station, buy the ticket and still catch the train. But that was clearly my fault so I wasn't going to get all worked up about it. Well this was not the case for some of my fellow train station companions.

When I got in line at the station, there were 4 people in line ahead of me and about three minutes before the train was about to come. The first person breezes through like nobody's business. Then, Stupid Bitch #1 (there weren't any more stupid bitches, but I like the way that sounds) gets up to the window. She's buying a ten ride ticket with a check and the check isn't filled out at all when she gets up there. As a side note, figuring out how much your ticket costs is not rocket science. There is a giant chart on the wall with an easy to read matrix. Well she immediately gets in a huff when Ticket Guy, who absolutely reeks of old cigarettes by the way, tells her she'll need to step over to the counter and fill out her check before she can purchase a ticket.

This allows Luck Lady to step up to the front of the line. She too is buying a ten ride and paying by check, but her check is already filled out with all of the proper information and she has her driver's license in hand. She breezes by in about 10 seconds.

By this time the bells are ringing and the train is coming into the station. I realize that I am fucked. Well then Impatient Jackass gets up to the front of the line. He's freaking out that the train is here and he's trying to buy a ticket to the next stop which in a pinch you could probably walk to. He is so agitated he ends up dropping his change on the floor when he walks way. He goes out the door just as the train is pulling up.

At this point, Stupid Bitch #1 jumps back into line in front of line in front of Unlucky Man and me. Apparently, she felt she was entitled to do so after her first go round with Ticket Guy. While I realize this is a shit move, both Unlucky Guy and I don't say anything as Stupid Bitch #1 is clearly having a bad day. Ticket Guy is not so nice and takes advantage of Stupid Bitch #1's bad mood. He suddenly gets picky about her not having a work telephone number on her check. This move delays her just enough for her to miss the train and throws her into what can be clearly described as a blinding rage. At this point both Unlucky Man and I are laughing at her misfortune. That made my morning.

People, here are some words of advice for commuting on the train and probably on buses for that matter. First, the people that sell the tickets at the train station are not to blame for you being late to the station. Don't be a fuck face to them, because they can screw you over in an instant. Second, the people around you are not to blame for you not making it to the station on time; it's probably yours. Don't bring their morning down by being a shitty asshole in their presence. You only end up looking like an idiot and they'll laugh at you when you fall on your face. So, lay off that last glass of vodka at night so you can get out of bed on time and make the train. At the very least if you are going to be late, do it with a positive attitude.

Runaway Bride = Gold Digging Whore

Has anyone caught the latest on Jennifer Wilbanks, the "Runaway Bride" from Georgia. Apparently, the emotional trauma of ditching out on her wedding, running away from her fiance, and lying to the police has subsided. Mine would too if I just signed a $500,000 book/movie deal and was doing an interview with Katie Couric and NBC that was almost certainly paid for. In an instant she's gone from pathetic crazy bride to gold digging whore. I hope that someone files a civil suit against her and takes all her money.

I was thinking of running away to see if I could profit from it; but I'm afraid that I'd find out no one would want to come and look.

Weiner Dog Rebuttal!

Well color me brown and call me a h0t dog; the Weiner Dog, I'm sorry Dawg, has spoken. In response to my post of last Tuesday about Hating Weiner Dogs, the Weiner Dawg has responded. That ball of fur even went as far as to call me a Big Baby. Well, those who enjoy eating cat shit, should think very carefully before calling other people names. That said, thanks for the mention, because any press is better than no press at all. Also, I'd much rather be a carrotpenis than a "little weiner" dawg.

Stupid Suggestion Box Entries

If you've been reading for awhile, you probably know that facility management is one of the many areas that falls under my job description. As part of it, I am responsible for coming up with answers to suggestions that people put in the Company Suggestion Box. For obvious reasons, my responses must be carefully worded so as not to offend the suggesting parties even when their suggestions are outright inane. In this venue though, I don't need to be so tactful.

Suggestion #1-

This one needs a little background information. About two weeks ago, we installed these motion sensors in all of our bathrooms so that the we weren't wasting electricity by having the lights on all day.

A couple days later this comes through the Suggestion Box...It is nice to know that we are saving resources with the implementation of sensor switches in the bathrooms but would it be possible to extend the timeout period? It's not much fun finding yourself in the dark with your pants down.

My unofficial responses...As the light sensors are already set at a 30 minute time out period, I think that rather than concerning yourself with their operation you might want to spend some time looking for a good Gastroenterologist. Because if it takes you more than 30 minutes to take a shit, there is something seriously wrong with your insides. Now if you are taking care of other business in there like "Taming the Porpise or "Rubbing One Out", a good Urologist or Sex Therapist may be in order. Thanks for your inquiry.

Suggestion #2-

i know we have quite a few different things in the kitchen now, but Crystal Light has come out with these awesome packets called "on the go" packets. they would be great for people who arent really coffee or tea drinkers. 0 fat, carbs, sugar and sodium and only 5 calories. they are individual packets. they taste awesome, come in a bunch of different flavors and would add something different to the selection. please consider?

My unofficial response...Dear Submitter, of course I'll just run out to the store and get you those. I bet you'll also need a bottle of water to put it in too. These will will be implemented right after "Free Filet Mignon Thursdays" Come on people, this isn't your fucking house here; we can't get you every whim you desire. If that we're the case, I'd be making a whole lot more money and wouldn't be dealing with idiot people with you. Drink your Starbucks Coffee and Tazo Tea just like everyone else and shut up.

As more of these come through, I'll be sure to share them with you. Everyone have a Happy Father's Day and a really great weekend.

I Graduated!

Yes folks it's official. I've finally gruaduated from internet driving school. If you remember from my previous post, I was forced to take an internet driving course after getting a speeding ticket on the way home one night. In retrospect, I would have probably just gone to the instructor lead course. The internet version was fucking long, probably six hours and there was no way to speed it up. (Of course, I did the whole thing at work so it was probably a win there.) But, you had to listen to every stupid word the coked out narrator told you too. Damn that fucker was happy about safe driving. Well hopefully I won't be such a menace on the road from now on. If I could just get the other stupid idiots around me to drive as well as I do, we'd be all set. Feel free to send graduation presents if you like.

10,000 Hits!

Another milestone on the chronicles. Sometime last night, I eclipsed the 10,000 hit mark. Whooda thunk it.

Thanks to my regular readers; the two of you know who you are. Okay, there's a few more than two, but thanks all the same. Thanks to those of you who randomly spend the 30 seconds here that Blog Explosion forces you to. I appreciate your time and hope you will stick around longer if you see something you like. And a very special thanks goes to those of you who mistook my blog name for a gay porn site and ended up here only to be disappointed. Your visits are appreciated too.

Hope to see you at 50,000!

P.S. Don't be a lurker, leave a comment. Thanks Mimi for Lurker reference.

I Hate Weiner Dogs!

Today, while attempting to defend my blogging honor on Battle of the Blogs on Blog Explosion, I was defeated by a blog whose primary thematic element was pictures of weiner dogs. Fucking weiner dogs! No witty commentary, no fun commuter stories, just pictures of long skinny brown weiner dogs. What in the hell is this world coming to. Now I know that I don't have a fancy skin like some people, but there's some good shit here from time to time. What are you people thinking? The only thing that I can think of is, there's a puppy and kitten loving faction of bloggers out there trying to dominate the Battle scene. There's simply just no other reason for it. Unless, I just plain suck. I feel like Mike Tyson after Saturday's bout. I am officially going into Battle of the Blog retirement.

2005 Block Party

We've lived in our house for nearly nine years but on Saturday, the Carrotpenis clan attended our first neighborhood block party and what a hoot it was. For some background as to why this was only our first, the party used to be organized by this idiot woman in our neighborhood that everyone calls "Squirrel Turds". She is very overbearing and wants things to be very formal and just so. Since we were the second owners of our house, we were quickly forewarned by the neighbors that had been there before and graciously found a way out each and every year. While I understand the importance of a place and time for some dignity, a block party certainly isn't one of them.

Well this year there was a social coup in the neighborhood and two friends of mine, Cowboy and Fresh took over the organizing reins and crushed the Squirrel Turds' ideals of decorum and decency and brought it back to real White Trash family values. My kudos go out to them. We all had a great time. There was even a DJ and a bouncey house.

Here are some random observations from the festivities.

• There are few things that taste as good a ice cold beer from a keg and rented tap on a hot Summer day.
• Beer is still my friend. I stuck to beer for the entire party and was right there to the bitter end with the rest of the neighborhood power players. The Boy and I rolled in right around 1am. From prior experiences, I've learned that mixing cocktails and beer almost certainly gurantees an early evening for me.
• Fresh's wife has a mouth like a sailor when she has a few pina coladas in her.
• I learned that Cowboy's wife is a closet cigarette smoker.
• People that are normally OCD don't care as much after they've sucked down 5 or 6 jello shots. A woman I know is normally a freak about germs, but didn't blink and eye to ask me to taste her drink when I asked what she was having.
• Skip and Go Nakeds aren't just good at fraternity parties.
• There was a keg stand contest for a set of BBQ utensils and my performance was less than stellar. Some giant Polish guy went for 32 seconds to beat Cowboy's standing time of 30 seconds. I was only at a meager 15.
• I almost got into a tussle with above Polish guy because I refused to dance with his fat drunk Polish wife.
• Drinking and a bouncey house are really not a great combination.
• Dry ice bombs are really fucking loud. Recipe: dry ice, water, 2 liter soda bottle. Add first two ingredients to second, close cap and walk away. The bottle will get as big as a beach ball before it explodes.
• The neighborhood Playboy's hot blonde girlfriend isn't as good looking up close and in person.
• When the police showed up at 12:30, they said they could hear "The Roof is on Fire" from 3 blocks away and that there was no less than two complaints about the noise.

Now Tivo Thinks We're Black!

Good old Tivo is at it again; this thing is supposed to be intuitive but I'm starting to highly doubt its abilities. If you remember from my previous post, our Tivo used to think we were Mexican. Well that has changed; now it thinks we are black. Well this has probably been going on for awhile because I've deleted about a hundred episodes of "The Parkers" from our list of shows that Tivo has chosen to record based on our watching preferences. But now it's started to tape a bunch of shows on BET. I just can figure out how it gets sidetracked like this since we never watch the Parkers and rarely tune in to BET. What's next, Tivo thinks I'm gay.

The Mexican Breathalyzer

Recently, a friend of mine was traveling for business "South of the Border" when he was pulled over by the local authorities in his rental car. When the constable comes up to the car, he starts gibbering away to my friend in Spanish. Well my friend being the ignorant American he is, does his best to convey that he is a fucking moron and does not know the local language. I am sure this was done in the typical fashion of people from the US when they encounter a language barrier by speaking loudly and using hand gestures.

Eventually, the officer is finally able to use the universal language and starts saying the word, Cerveza over and over again. At this point my friend finally realizes that he's been pulled over to check his soberiety. To do this, the officer asks him to blow into the his (the officer's) cupped hands so that he can smell his breath. Immediately, my friend realizes he's being administred the Mexican breathalyzer. Thankfully, he was not drinking this time. And I hope he had brushed his teeth or at least eaten a Tic-Tac recently.

Metra Fashion Tips

I'm back on the train pretty much everyday now. Yeah! So, for those of you that like them, I'll start doing my Metra eavesdropping posts again. Today, I thought it would be fun to give some unsolicited fashion commentary. As most of you know, I'm not one to hold back in the unsolicited commentary category; so here goes.

1. If you have a big ass and corresponding stomach, don't wear a big sparkly belt drawing attention to both.

2. Putting ones makeup on in public is really not that attractive. Now I'm not talking about a dab of lipstick. I'm talking about doing major facial reconstruction. Get your ass out of bed earlier and do that at home.

3. To the best of my knowledge, Noah is not building an ark. Please leave the floods at home.

4. If you got a case of the nasty toes, leave the bitches covered up.

5. Not as many people can pull off those ridiculously huge bug eye sunglasses as one might think.

6. Make the decision (and quickly) whether you are going bald not. If you decide that you are, stop doing that fucking combover thing and shave your head.

7. Yes, everyone can tell it's a toupee and you look like Moe from the Three Stooges. Stop wearing it.

8. If you are sitting on the lower level and wearing a low cut blouse, everyone can see right down your shirt when they walk up behind you. While I don't actually mind this, you might.

9. Same church, different pew for upper level. Unless you are an exhibitionist, think carefully about wearing a skirt on the upper level. It's really easy to make a wrong move and give a whole line of passing commuters a free show.

10. If you've got nappy oily hair or wear a jerry curl product of any kind, please do not lean against the windows. It leaves a disgusting mark that everyone has to look at for days and days.

Hilarious Video Star Wars Video!

This link take you to a hilarious video from the Conan O'Brien show. It's Triumph the Insult Comic Dog interviewing "Star Wars" nerds outside the premiere of Attack of the Clones. I normally hate Triumph, but I almost peed myself watching this.

Warning: If you are a "Star Wars" nerd or just a nerd in general, this might hit really close to home.

http://www.am1000.com/goout.asp?u=http://www.milkandcookies.com/stuff/triumphvsw.asx

What Comes Around Goes Around

Asshole Lawyer and I ran out for a quick lunch today. As we were sitting at a light with a long line of cars waiting to turn left into a busy intersection, this dumb bitch speeds around everyone and does this bullshit move to turn left in front of everyone else. Note: I fucking hate when people do this this type of crap. As I am yelling to Asshole about what a loser she was, a cop comes out of nowhere and pulls her ass over. This made my entire day. Then to top it off we got to do the slow drive past her in the Jewel parking lot with the cop there making her pull 50 things out of her purse. Both of us gave her our best point and laugh as we drove by. I couldn't have planned it any better.

Spring is Over

Well our one day of Spring in Chicago is now over and it is officially Summer. Boy is it fucking hot. In fact, to quote Matthew Broderick's character Eugene Morris Jerome in Neil Simon's Biloxi Blues, "It's Africa Hot!" I swear it was in the thirties last week and bam you get this smack in the face of the mid-nineties this week! Now if it was 95 and I was sitting my ass by a pool with a cocktail it would all be well and good. But no, I am in long pants and a dress shirt waiting for the train in the searing heat. I'd do anything to wear a skirt with no stockings. While I realize that women get the short end of the stick on many things, getting to wear a skirt on a hot day has to be one bonus. Does anyone know of a dress kilt that is acceptable to wear in a business casual environment.

Ribbon Car Magnets

Well it's official or at least it's official to me now. Those ribbon car magnet have now ceased to have any meaning for me. You know the one's I'm talking about. They started showing up down south about eighteen months ago. The first ones were yellow and said "Support Our Troops!". I thought these were great. Shortly after that, other causes started showing up on them like red ones for cancer survivors. Again, I am in full support of the ribbons. Then some lesser tier causes jumped on board such as "Masturbation for a Better Tomorrow". I think their ribbon was blue. While the importance of the causes has lessened a bit, I am still in support of the whole magnet thing.

Well today that all ended. As I am driving into work today, I pass a car with a yellow ribbon magnet that says, "Get Ir Done!". The moment that someone thinks that the brain damaged Larry the Cable Guy warrants any recognition on a ribbon means that these damn things have outlived their usefulness. I now put these in the same category as the "Baby on Board" placards that appeared in the late eighties and early nineties. I urge you to find some other way to support your important causes. Next thing you know there will be a ribbon that says, "Wife in Trunk!"

Summer Hours!

My place of employment has Summer hours. We work an extra half hour Monday through Thursday and then get off at noon every Friday from Memorial Day to Labor Day. It's a fabulous perk! If they took them away, I am betting some people would quit over it.

Well this is the first week and I can't wait to get out of here. Of course if you look at the time, I'm still here an hour after trying to wrap some things up. My regrets to everyone that has to work a full day. Yeah right!

Google Freaks

Boy are there some weirdos out there. Someone reached my site by searching for the following:

pull bathing suit crotch aside and pee in grass

Each to their own I guess! What am I saying. What kind of freak searches for that on the internet. Worse yet I guess, they ended up at my site.

Rooster is on the Bad List

Though the Rooster doesn't work for our company, the Mick and I have swindled the powers that be to let her play on our coed softball team. We even got her a personalized jersey with the number 69 and "Rooster" on the back. What does she do to repay us for our friendship? She doesn't show up to play the game after telling us repeatedly (not 4 hours before the game) that she'd be there. I fully blame her for the 13 to 2 ass whipping that took place tonight. I am sure that had she been there she could have singlehandedly handled those 15 hits that they blasted off my pitching into the gaps in the outfield on us. All the kudos she received for pointing out the melon girl yesterday are now lost on this "drop of the ball" so to speak.

Good Bye to 2500 Days With the Devil

I'd like to give a shout out to Minion who was writing the blog "2500 Days With the Devil" which I've had on my bloglist for a couple of weeks! This blog was an utterly hilarious diatribe of this woman's dealing with her idiot boss. If you didn't get a chance to catch her stories you sorely missed out. Unfortunately, due to security concerns (aka possible termination or Dooce concerns as everyone likes to say) she chose to shut down her little song and dance. Sorry to see you go. I hope you can find a more confidential place to vent your frustrations. If you do, e-mail me and let me know where I can enjoy them. If you want a guest spot here, I'd be happy to give you one.

The Metra: It's a Boob Thing

I caught the train home this aft with the Mick and Rooster and ended up having a hilarious conversation with both.

First, as we are getting on the train, this woman with a push up bra and huge breasts gets off. Rooster, being the good friend she is, notices first and says the word "melons" so that Mick and I are sure to notice. Thanks Rooster!

[Side note- Ladies, if you are wearing a tight blouse and a push up bra you want us to look,correct? Now, I'm not talking about a tongue out drooling leer but you want a second glance, right? Because, I kind of use this as a rule of thumb.]

Then as we sit down I thank Rooster for the heads up. She immediately make a comment that compares her endowment to that of the melon girls. As I check her out to get a grip on the comparison she's made, I immediately get a hard slap on the arm. Note to female friends...if you are going to make a comparison between some body part that you have to another female's we are going to check you out to get a baseline regardless of how platonic our relationship is. Such as, if you say my ass is much bigger than hers isn't it: I'm going to take a look at your ass. It's just an something that's inborn. If you don't want that attention, don't make these types of comments. Rooster, you were right, her breasts were much bigger than yours and the her bra certainly helped us notice. Readers, if you can recommend a good bra for the Rooster to use to get the "girls" noticed, I'm sure she'd appreciate it.

Then the conversation turned to my hair cut post of the other day. Rooster commented that her husband goes to some woman that gives him a shitty haircut every time yet he pays her $26 plus tip. My comment was that she's probably hot and rubs her boobs in his face while she cuts his hair. (You are probably starting to see the thematic element of my post about now.) That would be worth at least $10 to me. So, in reality, he's really only paying $16 plus tip for a bad hair cut. That makes it a bit more palatable, doesn't it? After all, what would the same thing cost you at a strip club, $50 easy.

Mike Tyson

I just saw a random sound bite from Mike Tyson that just clinches what a fucking moron he is...

"If the price was right, I'd fight a lion!"