Random Highlights a Long Time Coming

Well since it's been awhile since my last bitter post, I thought a quick random highlights list may be in order. So, here goes...

• Went to March Madness/St. Patrick's day party at Cowboy's. Damn, it has been a long time since I did a post. It was a veritable who's who of immature drunk middle aged children. Stay at Home Larry was the first one there, big surprise. Fat Bastard and Mr. Jones were there embarrassing their wives as usual. I heard that Mr. Jones took bites our of an entire bowl of green apples and in then replaced them in a display bowl that Mrs. Cowboy had sitting on her kitchen table. Mr. Green drank a whole bottle of Maker's Mark and had to be followed home under the close supervision of The Voice of Reason (see below). I made a quick exit when Tequila Rose (nasty stuff) started to get the best of me.
• Mrs. Carrotpenis went out for a night cap with Johnny B and The Cowboy two Friday's ago. Due to events surrounding this evening, Johnny B. will now be referred to as The Voice of Reason or just VOR for short. That said, is it okay for The VOR to have blackout moments while performing his duties?
• Have been watching a new show on FX call The Riches. It's like a train wreck but I am very hooked; take a watch if you have a chance. Minnie Driver is easily in my Top 10.
• Been frequenting The Vine in Grayslake, IL. Great place, awesome drinks and apparently they serve food or at least I am told. If you live in the area, definitely catch some drinks there. I'm not quite at the "Norm" status of the VOR but I am working on it. Tell Juan and Ralph I said, Hi if you drop in.
• In case there was any doubt, I have officially achieved "White Trash" status. For the past several months I've been subbing once a month on Cowboy's bowling team. Well get this, we won the league championship and I done got me a trophy with my name engrave and all. I figure I am one step away from having a broken down car in my front yard.

Well, work is calling and I need to save some stories of stupidity for my next post. Coming Soon: Tenacious D. comes to his first fire and bad things happen. Don't miss it!

Ding Dong The Witch is ....

Well she's not dead but at least she's moved onto the next part of her pathetic life.

On Monday morning, I got a text message from my friend, Johnny B. saying "I'm Free!" which could mean only one of two things. One, he had just escaped from being tied up in a scary night of BDSM sex with that midget lady he found on match.com or his divorce was final. It was the latter and not a second too soon. We (Cowboy, myself, and the rest of our sad circle of friends) have been on the peripheral of this train wreck for nearly a year now. If it hadn't ended when it did, I am sure that things would have gotten really ugly. Johnny B. was really fairly level headed through the whole arduous thing and I commend him for that. I am not sure I would have been as mature (fucking whore) as he has been.

I am still utterly amazed at how much control a woman has over a divorce proceeding regardless of whether or not she sleeping with her cousin and she voluntarily chooses to leave her husband and two kids for said cousin after 13 years of marriage without a thought of reconciling. Yes, it's as creepy as it sounds. In Illinois there is very little penalty if any for being 95% of the cause for the marriage break up, you still get your half. It seems like it is even worse if you allow your spouse to be a stay at home mother. That $80k value being provided by your wife as a stay at home quickly flows out the window when you get a lawyer involved and your ex becomes a money grubbing, I want to continue to sit on my ass and not get a job even though I am only screwing my cousin and not taking care of the children on a full time basis bitch. Suddenly, their whole earning power drops to zilch and you as the guy are left holding the bag and making child support payments to your spouse even though the kids live with you. Utterly pathetic. But I digress.

Well what started out as a nice congrats on a bad situation turned into an aimless rage filled rant. I apologize. Johnny B., I have a nice bottle of Basil Hayden with your name on it. We'll drink to good friends and the future and oh yeah the hilarity that is going to ensue as you make the real leap into the world of crazy women and casual sex. I am already laughing. I hear that Miss Plum Court is free this weekend.

The Suggestion Box is Back!!!

After a very long hiatus, my place of corporate drudgery has decided to reinstate the fabulously inane, on-line, anonymous "Suggestion Box". If you are a long time reader, you will remember that the suggestion box is great fodder for blog post material. The primary reason is that many of the employees here confuse the suggestion box with a sounding board for them to bitch about the petty things that they think are important. The great Capri Pants Debate of 2005 and the Burnt Popcorn Scandal of 2006 are two prime examples.

If you aren't familiar with the suggestion box saga, search through the archives and have a look. It's great stuff I promise. It always amazes me how people will confuse their place of work and their co-workers with their homes, subservient spouses and disobedient children. Well if that didn't happen, I'd have one less thing to write about. Please note that I am almost giddy with anticipation for the for the first idiotic idea to be submitted. My bet is that it will happen in the next week.