Vanity Plates

I find it extremely annoying when people feel the need to incorporate the name and color of their car into their vanity license plates. Yesterday, I was driving behind someone whose plate read, RED VET. Hello, fuck face, we can all see what car your driving. There is no need for you to reiterate it on your plate. If you are going to pay the extra money and spring for the vanity plates at least be creative. How about trying DCK HED?

The Metra: Nothing Too Exciting to Report

I've gotten to take the train the past few days. My mood at work and at home has greatly improved because of it. However, except for last Thursday's debacle things have been pretty calm in terms of bloggable material. Here are some random highlights though...

• Last Thursday evening, I rode with my friend Rooster. Rooster was friend from previous entry that was injured for an unspecified reason which I suspected was sex related. She introduced me to the Thursday Night Wine Club. Each Thursday, a group of people on this particular train brings wine on to drink. They start in the city and imbibe until they get off at their respective stop(s). From the looks of them when I got on, I am guessing that they bring a bottle each.
• I have notice a proliferation of good looking girls on train lately. It may just be that they've been there all along and I just didn't notice because of their winter coats and sweaters. And possibly because I can be oblivious. Though, I'm not quite sure about the coats and sweaters part. I'll keep you posted on that front; and will try to include pictures.
• Kermit was on the train last evening sans chips. Still as annoying as ever though. He was giving some unsuspecting schmoe home improvement tips. His unwilling cohort looked as though he was about to slit his wrists.
• This morning, Rooster inadvertently insulted a Pakistani couple that was sitting directly behind her when she did an improvised Indian accent while descring a scene from last night's episode of the "Office". I almost died laughing at her expense.

Hopefully, there will be more to report during the second half of this week.

Spring Fashion Tip

Today the temperature was right around seventy in the Chicago area. It was our first glimpse of Spring for this year; I love when the weather starts to get warmer. I immediately start to think of khakis and sweaters giving way to short skirts, sleeveless blouses, exposed navels, tanned legs and sandaled feet with painted toes. Of course, the temperature is supposed to dip back into the forties by Friday; so ,thanks for that little tease.

With the season finally starting to change, here's a little fashion tip for the ladies and I guess probably some of you men out there. Unless someone you totally trust for fashion advice i.e. not your husband and probably not most of your closest friends, tells you that your legs look hot in white stockings, think very carefully before making the decision to wear them. Nothing show off the faults in a women's legs better than a pair of white stockings. Even someone with decent legs can look like a pair of stuffed sausages in them. You know the old saying that the camera adds 15 pounds; same thing goes for white stockings.

Rachael Ray is Annoying

Does anyone else think that Rachael Ray of the Food Network is extremely annoying. I don't know what it is that grates me the wrong way, but I can't stand to watch her shows for even a few minutes.

I have a theory that the producers of 30 minute meals created $40/day to get her out of the studio so she couldn't drive everyone nuts. I also think that the camera person who has to go with her on the road is being punished for poor performance.

It's Always the Quiet Ones

Saturday night, I went and played Texas Holdem at a neighbor's house. I've been out drinking, playing cards, generally carousing with these guys numerous times. We always have a great time being idiots and telling funny stories.

One regular member of our group is for the most part extremely quiet. He's a great guy, very nice, would do anything for you but rarely says much of anything unless asked a direct question. None of us know that much about him except for the direct interaction we've had with him. I just assumed he was pretty quiet and shy. That is until Saturday night.

While we are playing cards, we are also have VanWilder on in the background. When the movie gets to the scene where they dupe the fraternity guys into eating the dog come filled eclairs, he comes out of no where with this hilarious story. The story is about friend from college that drinks too much at a party and ends up puking outside. At some point, the friend falls over in the grass. When he comes back to the party, he has a big piece of dog shit stuck to the back of his sweater. He is so drunk he does not realize and no one is willing to tell him. Also, his girlfriend is shit faced drunk and doesn't notice it either. At one point, her, him and piece of dog shit are mashing in corner. Boy that must have been a magical evening.

With all my experiences with this guy I never pictured him at a party wild enough for something like this to happen. I figured he spent most of his time at the library in college. It goes to show you have to watch out for the quiet ones, they are never what they appear.

Happy Easter!

I saw a news story today that discussed the possibility of changing the name of the Easter Bunny so that it was more politically correct for non-Christians. Here's my suggestion....

Get a Fucking Life People Bunny!

Next thing you know they'll want to change the name of Santa Claus to Big Guy In Red Suit. Come on folks please let's try and not take life so seriously.

Happy Easter Everyone!

I Finally Get to Take the Train!

I finally got to take the train yesterday. Was it worth the trouble is the big question? The kids were off from school for their start of Spring Break; subsequently the wife didn't have to go to work. This allowed me to leave for work on my schedule and take the train rather than having to wait for the kids bus to leave and drive.

Well getting to the train ended up being just a comedy of errors. But first you need a little background information though. I can pick up the train from one of two different locations. One is closer to my house but doesn't sell tickets. The other is a bit farther but does sell them. Since I didn't have any ten ride punches left, I made the decision the night before to take the train from the farther station. That morning, I had the trip to train planned out to make it there with enough time to go into the station and purchase a ticket. As you will soon see nothing went as planned. The train leaves the farther station at 6:55 am and 7:00 am at the closer one.

Here's the play by play on how my morning went from there...

6:30:00- Start getting my stuff together to leave for the train
6:31:00- Dog decides it needs to go out. Since everyone is sleeping, I do it.
6:36:00- After dog takes good old time doing his business, I get back in the house.
6:37:00- Realize I don't have parking money; root through change jar for $1.25
6:38:00- Wife comes down and asks for me to drop off video at library on way to train.
Note: Library is on way to close train, but out of the way to far train station. While, I'd be cutting it close, I can still make it to far train at this point.
6:39:00- Go out door to get in car. Car windows are frozen over and will need to be scraped.
6:39:30- Make decision that I can't make it to far station in time for train.
6:39:45- Realize I will need cash. Start car to defrost windows and go inside to find money.
6:40:00- Root through wife's purse to find money.
6:41:00- Start heading out door and realize I will need extra quarter for parking.
6:41:30- Dig through change jar again for extra quarter
6:42:00- Head out to car and realize I forgot to turn the defroster on.
6:42:30- Swear a bit and start scraping windows
6:44:00- Leave for train.
6:46:00- Come up to accident that has occurred on route to train. Traffic is still passing.
6:46:30- I am the next car to pass and ambulance comes and blocks intersection.
6:47:00- I am forced to take a circuitous and much longer route to library.
6:52:00- I enter library parking lot, but old woman is walking dog near book drop off.
6:53:00- Old woman finally gets out of way and I am able to drop off movie.
6:53:30- I drive like maniac to train station.
6:58:00- I see dead cat with big pool of blood; makes stomach sick
6:58:15- I come flying into train parking lot and slam car into nearest parking space.
6:58:30- I run through parking lot to parking space pay machine.
6:59:00- I encounter stupid people trying to work pay machine.
6:59:59- I finally get turn at pay machine but coin drop is not cooperating.
7:00:00- Train is pulling into station.
7:00:05- I finally get pay machine to work; sprint to train just as door are about to close. Whew!

I at numerous points wondered if some higher power didn't want want me on the train. Being a stupid man, I did not heed the warnings. Fortunately, things turned out generally okay. Except for the fact that I then had to call in favor from one of my friends from the train to drive me to yet another station during lunch to buy the 10 ride ticket I missed having the time to pick up in the morning.

I hope the commute goes easier next week.

See, I'm Not the Only One!

Just recently I did a post on the addiction problem I have with my Blackberry and bam it's headline news on CNN.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/BUSINESS/03/23/blackberry.rim/index.html

Going Postal

My mom has worked for the post office for as long as I care to remember. Growing up in a fairly rural area, she worked in some really small post offices. Often times, she was the only full time employee that worked at a particular office. When she did, I often teased her that if she wanted to go postal, she'd have to kill herself. Thank God, Mom has a good sense of humor.

Roadside Psychic

Roadside Psychic

I recently started carrying my digital camera in my work bag, aka my man purse, so that I could take advantage of any visual opportunities that might arise on my travels and post them. Here's my first.

I pass this house nearly every day when I drive to and from the office and laugh every time I do. I couldn't resist snapping a picture and posting it. The neon sign in the window reads, "Psychic & Tarot Card Readings". I'm sorry but any psychic who can't tell the future enough to get themselves out of this ramshackle piece of shit house certainly isn't worth going to. I also love the fact that it's March 23rd and they still have their Christmas lights up.

Lunch and Colon Polyps

The place where I work has a pretty cool program called Lunch and Learn. They bring in a speaker to talk on a particular subject over the lunch hour and serve food to the participants. I've gone to some really good ones. For instance, there was one purchasing your first home; and another was on financing college for the kids. Regardless of how good the speaker is, you still get a free lunch out of the whole deal. It's a win win as far as I am concerned.

Well apparently subject matter is starting to run thin. This month's lunch and learn is about, get this, colon polyps. I'm sorry but the very thought of some doctor jamming a scope up my ass to see if I have colon polyps tends to quickly diminish the appetite. What's next, pap smears or perhaps a good talk on genital herpes. I'd sure enjoy a boxed lunch to hear about those topics.

1000 Hits!

I reached a 1000 hits yesterday and in just over one month of posting. I'm actually pretty amazed since the site doesn't contain any naked pictures, technical advice or serious political commentary

Thanks to everyone that's reading on a regular basis. And thanks to those who just grazed by for a look.

I Really Miss Taking the Train

It is now day two, week number four of my driving experiment and things are definitely not getting any better. The drive in this morning took me well over an hour for no particular reason that I could see. I'm still not sure how I got roped into this in a first place. I thought it was only supposed to be for two weeks. This will teach me to be careful what I agree to.

With the start of Spring, we are also now entering the unofficial fourth season in the Chicago metro area commonly known as Construction season or as it is sometimes referred to, Congestion season. I like to call it fucking bullshit. Construction season conveniently overlaps 3 of the traditional seasons, Spring, Summer and Fall. Thus ensuring that the driving commute can suck just about the entire year.

To make matters worse there is absolutely no coordination of timing on these construction projects. To get to and from work, I can take one of three major east/west roads. Every one of them has construction on it that takes the road down to one lane in each direction. This creates a bottleneck of mammoth proportions during the rush hours. I wish the collective highway authorities would take their heads out of their asses and coordinate these effort more effectively. Knowing the politics around here though, I probably have a better chance of ending the war in Iraq.

I can't wait to return to the train. I'd even eat some chips out of Kermit's bag if that was the payment for being able to do so. I think the blog is suffering as well. One can only bitch about driving so many times. I need the freaks to give me something fun to write about. Well here's hoping.

Weekend Report

Here's some commentary from my weekend at the Treasure Island resort in the Wisconsin Dells...http://www.wisdellstreasureisland.com/

• Tattoos and mullets were an overwhelming thematic element. Everywhere you looked, there were tons of people with tattoos. I'm not taking about tastefully done tattooing either. I am talking about huge gaudy tattoos on every imaginable part of the body. Either that or they were badly done and looked like prison tats. For heaven's sake people, if you are going to mark up your body permanently, please have the sense to have a professional do it.
• And don't let me forget about the mullets, oh there were mullets as far as the eye could see. There were men with mullets, little kids with mullets and even women with mullets. I took some pictures which I will post shortly. You just can't beat a good a good mullet watch. The less hair on top and the longer in the back the better.
• My favorite t-shirt of the weekend was worn by an enormous African-American man. It read, "Big Willie's Taxidermy, stuffing beavers for over thirty years!" Now that's classy!
• I personally put on a free show by mistakenly changing into my bathing suit in front of our hotel window with the shades open. The wife said she saw people running and screaming with their eyes covered. I think she was lying.
• To the people that dress their kids up in those hideous floatation swimsuits, you might as well be beating them up on the playground. They look like pussies. Don't be so fucking lazy and teach them to swim or at least keep an eye on them while they're in the water. I'm sure you can sit on your lazy ass and have a Miller Lite in a plastic bottle some other time.
• Wearing a t-shirt while you swim does not camoflague the fact that you are a big fat ass. Be a man like me and show off your big pasty white belly to the rest of the world. Women, same thing for you, that sheer cover up you're wearing ain't hiding shit.

White Trash Road Trip

The Carrotpenis' are goin on a road trip for the extended weekend. Our exciting port of call takes us above the cheddar curtain. Yes, we are going to the Midwest Mecca of white trash, the Wisconsin Dells.

For those of you that are unfamiliar let me try and paint a picture. It's sort of like Vegas without the casinos, the strip, the strippers, the prostitutes, and the fun. Well I guess it's nothing like Vegas after all. It's sort of like the Jersey Shore without the beach and without the fucking tourists from New York City. And just so we're clear, I am talking about the Wildwood or Seaside Heights Jersey Shore not the Avalon or Long Beach Island Jersey Shore. If you've ever been, you know exactly what I am talking about. All the cheese (no insult intended towards the Wisconsin folks) and less sand.

I guess I don't know how to do it justice. It's a resort community in the middle of Wisconsin that has a bunch of really big water parks with hotels ajacent to them. Now I know what you're thinking. Why the fuck are you going there in the middle of the Winter? To remain open on an annual basis, the waterpark hotels have built indoor water parks to bring the tourists to their properties during the Winter months. For the kids, it's actually great fun, water slides and lots of splashing around. For the adults, it's a lot of pasty flesh in bathing suits, mine included, chasing the kids around.

One fantastic thing about the Dells though is that there is great "people watching". Not necessarily as good as a county fair or a trip to our local Walmart, but good just the same. I love to just sit and watch the drama unfold. The place is like a train wreck. You don't want to look but you must. I am planning on bring my digital camera with me so that I can hopefully share some of the local flavor with you after the weekend.

Wish me luck! Luckily, I also plan on bringing a bunch of bourbon. I'll do an update next week.

Bluetooth Headsets Are Not Fashion

This is something that has caught my eye over the past few weeks and I felt it's worth addressing. I am talking about people wearing Bluetooth headsets with obviously no intention of talking on the phone.

For instance today, I am walking out of a local restaurant and notice a table with 5 guys sitting at it. One of them is wearing a Bluetooth headset. Clearly, since he is out to lunch with a group of people he has no intention of talking on his cell phone. This means he's wearing it because he thinks it looks cool. I was also at an offsite meeting last week and someone there was wearing one. Come on, there is no way you are going to take a call in the middle of a meeting. Now, I'm into tech gadgets just as much as the next guy and certainly understand the functionality that these provide, especially if you are driving the car.

Here's a heads up though, if you are wearing the headset around because you think it looks cool, you're wrong. You look like a fucking idiot! Knock it off.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0002WRGHG/002-2553527-1339237?v=glance

Farrah Fawcett's Hair

I learned a hard lesson today. Apparently, it is not a compliment to tell your wife that her hair is longer and it's starting to look like Farrah Fawcett's. Yes, I am a stupid, stupid man. Personally, I thought Farrah and her hair were hot on Charlie's Angels. Not so much when she was drunk on David Letterman.

Cat Shoes

Eccentric girl in my office, see previous post on Crazy Outfits, was at it again. She was wearing my all time favorite accessory today, Cat Shoes. They are black Mary Janes with a white cat encircling the toe. I find them hilarious.

Aside note: I tried to find a picture through a http://www.google.com image search and it turned up over 4000 hits. I am literally amazed. I did look through 300 of the images and was unable to find a match. However, I did find out that taking pictures of your pet cat near your shoes is extremely popular. Go figure.

Eccentric girl also has a matching black and white cat fedora to go with cat shoes but I was unable to confirm a sighting on said article. I'll keep my eyes open.

I Peed Myself

Well not really; but I might as well have. I've pulled this bonehead move before, but I never learn. Went to the bathroom this morning to "spill my water" so to speak. Afterwards, I go to wash my hands. Let me preface this by saying that I'm certainly not the tallest guy you'll ever meet. Good looking, yes, tall no. The reason I mention this is that to reach the handles of the faucet I need to lean up against the vanity counter. Of course some dumbass before me has gotten water all over the vanity top and it is pooled up right to the edge of the counter. And I am a bigger dumbass and always forget to look. You guessed it, a big water stain all over my crotch. I try with little success to dry my pants with paper towels. Well, I can't spend the whole day in the bathroom. I attempt to make a quick dash back to my office to have a little drying time there. Of course there are a whole bunch of people congregated at the coffee station when I try to saunter by. Lucky me.

I am Evil

Yesterday, the kids and I were coming back from the store on a semi-rural road near my home. For no obvious reason as there was not a single car behind me, this jackass pulls from a driveway along the road right in front of me. As a rule, I detest when people do this. To make matters worse the individual who did this decided to drive about 15 mph slower than I was going at the time. I am not sure what power trip he was trying to pull, but I wasn't biting. Well at least I wasn't going to get mad about it.

For my own amusement, rather than do the polite thing and slow down to his speed, I took my foot off the gas but didn't apply the brake. My car coasted gently behind his until I was right up on his bumper. Only then did I tap my brake to get down to his speed. This move got the rise I hoped for from the other driver. In frustration, he slowed down even further. I am guessing that he thought this would get me angry; he was wrong.

It just made me want to piss him off even more. I then proceeded to ride closely behind him for the next mile or so. After his previous manuvers, I am assumed this would just enrage him even further and I was correct. I could see his head bobbing and arms flailing at his wife in the passenger seat as we approached the light at the end of the street. At the light he went to turn left and knowing what was certainly coming next I decided to go out of my way and turn right so that I could pull up next to him. Just before I did, I told the kids to smile and wave at the car next to us. On cue, they did. I, myself, put on my best shit eating grin and waved too. As we got right next to him, he was just as I expected him to be, face all beet red and middle finger in the air. When his wife, saw my kids she too turned beet red from embarrassment. I'd certainly be proud my spouse flipped off two little kids just because he wanted to be an asshole and cut someone off.

Cars Men Should Not Drive

Today, on my cruise into the office (Yes, I am still driving, but I will leave that story for a more bitter and cynical entry.) I saw two men driving in a red convertible VW Beetle. Immediately, I thought they looked odd. I then realized that no man should be caught driving a VW Beetle, especially a red convertible one. For some reasons I can't particularly explain that car model was meant for a woman driver. Upon further reflection on my way in, I was able to come up with whole list of cars that fit into this category. They are as follows:

• VW Beetle (Hard top or Convertible)
• Chrysler, PT Cruiser
• Toyota Echo (actually, no self respecting adult should drive this car)
• Mercury, Capri
• Mazda Miata
• VW Cabriolet
• BMW Z4
• Any Scion model
• Toyota Solara (I saw a man driving one of these today, too.)
• MG Midget

I am sure that some of you will disagree with my above assessment; I am guessing especially the men who happen to drive one of these cars and think it's okay. Well, this is only my opinion and if you don't like it, leave me a comment and let me know. If you do agree and can think of some more, send them along and I'll add them.

It May Be Time for an Intervention

I've discovered that I have an addiction problem. No, it's not pain killers or alcohol. I know some of you probably jumped to that conclusion immediately. I am addicted to my Blackberry. My wife has suspected this for some time, but I've clearly been in denial. She's even threatened to throw it out the car window if I didn't put it away. The epiphany for me was when the server that handles the blackberry e-mails went down for two consecutive days. That first hour was no big deal, but every minute after that was pure hell. At one point, I think I was shaking from the withdrawl symptoms. Twice, I caught myself hard rebooting the Blackberry in the middle of the night to see if things were back up and running. Well they say that the first step is to admit you have a problem. I'm there; I think. Anyone know of a good Blackberry's Anonymous program that I can get into? Hmm...I wonder if Blackberry addiction falls under ADA.

Tivo Thinks Were Mexican

Again, I have come home to find that the Tivo has taped a bunch of Spanish language television shows off Univision and Telemundo. The thing is supposed to be intuitive and figure out what shows we like to watch and then tape some others automatically, but I think ours is retarded. We've never once watched anything on either. We'll maybe once for a few minutes, I watched one of those scantily clad porno quality soap operas in hopes that the cable gods gave us the Spice Channel by mistake. But that was it. I honestly cannot explain it.

Get a Life Award

I am constantly appalled at how litigious our society has become.

Again, this one is a two parter, first to Mary Ann Anzalone for suing the animal hospital where her cat was killed by a rottweiler for get this for pain and suffering. Not negligence on the part of the animal hospital employee; I'm guessing because that's too hard to prove. But, for her pain and suffering over the loss of her beloved pet. Now, I guess I need to explain something to you, but dogs kill cats. It's part of the natural order. I understand you loved the animal, but grieve and move on. I'm sure that your fifty other cats will give you comfort anyway If not, I am guessing you could find one just as nifty at www.saveapet.com. Last time I was stopped by, they had like a hundred of them waiting for a good home.

The second part of this get a life award goes to the Illinois Court of Appeals for actually overturning a previous decision and clearing the way for Mary to receive money for her pain and suffering. What in the world are you thinking? The decisions of some judges in this country never cease to amaze me.

http://www.suntimes.com/output/news/cst-nws-cat08.html

Sexually Adventurous- Day 2

Day two, my friend has called in sick to work. Yesterday's unexplained neck problem has developed into unexplained neck and back problem. After doing some research (if you count one google search on trapeze sex research), I think I may have found the cause. Done improperly, this move (click on the title to link to the site) could cause exactly the injury my friend has.

P.S. Hope you're feeling better, day two.

Did I Mention I Hate Driving

It's day two, week two of my driving nightmare and things are not getting any better. I now know why people in Texas, where it's a god given right to carry a concealed weapon, get out and shoot the fucker that just cut them off. Twice today, I was on the borderline of road rage and this was just in the 45 minutes it took me to get to work this morning. I honestly don't know how people do this day in and day out especially the ones that drive all the way from where I live into the city. It is just insane. Oh yeah, I do have two special shout outs from today.... To the asshole in the White Lincoln Town Car, you know who you are, who refused to let me merge this morning, go fuck yourself. And to the person driving the silver Monte Carlo who pulled that bullshit fake left turn to cut in front of ten people waiting patiently in traffic, you are a dick head.

Remember folks, there's Karma and what comes around, goes around.

Hilarious Voicemail

Someone sent this to me last week and I can't resist giving it the credit it is due. I almost cried this was so funny. This link takes you to a blog entry that explains the story behind the recorded voice mail. My wife who rarely laughs openly at anything (she's a laughing on the inside sort of girl), cracked up when I played if for her. Scott, thanks for posting it.

http://scottrope.typepad.com/scott_rope/2005/02/jack_in_the_box.html

Sexually Adventurous Friend

A self-proclaimed, sexually adventurous, friend called to say she wouldn't be into work today for an unexplained neck injury. Makes you wonder doesn't it?

P.S. Hope you're feeling better.

Whizzy

While channel surfing the "Next Blog" button (something I highly recommend by the way), I came upon this entry on a person's blog that calls themself Squeaky. Since I refer to myself as Carrotpenis, I will refrain from comment on that one. Well on second thought, do you think it's a noise she makes while having sex???

Anyway, the whizzy is a device that allows women to pee standing up. A gift for the woman that has everything. Enjoy!

http://rhitsqueaky.blogspot.com/2005/02/whizzy-lets-you-pee-standing-up.html

Young Love

I went to a family dance this weekend at my kids school. Watching 300 sweaty preteens running around like idiots got me thinking. I sure miss the days where you could just smack a girl hard on the back to let her know you like her. Now, it cost $50 for flowers and $100 for dinner to do the same. And all a smack on the back gets you is a restraining order.

Crazy Outfits

There is a woman who works in my office that I can only describe as a free thinker. She definitely marches to her own drum. Note: I have no problem with this and actually think that diversity is what makes the world go round. I will, however, point things out about it that make me laugh.

As part of this free thinking mentality, she dresses in unique and interesting ways. She doesn't do this every day, but when she does it always amuses me. Most of her outfits tend to be ethnic in nature, but some just border on the crazy. You'll get a glimpse into what I am talking about in the description of today's below. What make these outfits so amusing is that they look so out of place on her in general; she's a skinny white woman.

Today's outfit of choice is Chinese Waitress complete with print silk dress, matching shoes and chopsticks in her hair. I actually think she's got a couple of these ensembles, because I've seen her dressed in this manner before. Yet, I don't recognize this particular dress. There will be more of these I promise and some are much better than this one.

My Get a Life Award....

My get a life award of the week has two winners. The first one going to the New Jersey ASPCA for their attack on Kraft Foods about their Roadkill Gummi candies. Their argument with Kraft was that the candies were sending the wrong message to children about how animals should be treated. They even went so far to say that they might cause children to harm animals. I'm sorry, but little Johnny's decision to put a popsicle stick up a frog's ass isn't going to be swayed one way or another by a jelly candy shaped like a flattened snake. What's next animal crackers. Cause, I really feel like giving the dog a good kick after I've just bit the head of one of those tasty elephant animal crackers. Come on folks, isn't there some fur coat to throw blood on or a puppy mill to shut down.

My second award goes to Kraft foods for actually listening to these morons and pulling the Roadkill product. Next thing you know you'll change your marketing campaign because someone had the audacity to say Oreos make kids fat. Oops!!! You already did that didn't you. By the way, I really don't like the unnatural yellow color of your Easy Mac. Could you please pull that product from the shelves as well.

http://money.cnn.com/2005/02/25/news/fortune500/kraft_candy.reut/

More Proof that I am a Jackass

This story is from a couple of years ago, but it's still funny nonetheless; so, I'll share it. It's also more proof that I can from time to time be an utter jackass. Since I take the train a great deal, the commute to work in the car for me is totally out of the norm. Driving skews my normal routine and I am totally out of my element when I do it.

As I may have mentioned before, the drive to work is approximately 25 miles. Of that time, I drive about 7 miles to the tollway, then do 17 miles of highway driving followed by a quick 2 mile ride to the office. The reason I am giving this breakdown to you will become evident shortly.

This particular day, I had an important early morning meeting and that was definitely the primary focus on my mind as I drove to work. I had just gotten onto the tollway and as luck (bad luck, as I would later find out) would have it, traffic was light that day and I smoothly ramped up to 70 miles an hour. After proceeding about 5 miles on the tollway, I suddenly heard a noise from the back seat that blasted me out of the thought stupor that I had been having about my pending workday. I quickly gave a look into the rearview mirror and what did I see, but my two children safely strapped into their car seats in the back seat. I had totally forgotten to drop them off at the day care center. Again, I am a jackass. To make matters worse, the day care center is only about 3 miles from my home. To make matter even worse, the next exit on the tollway where I could turn around and get them back to their planned destination was another 2 miles from where I was at that point.

So if you have been paying attention to the math here, I drove 11 miles past the kids day care center and then had to drive 11 miles back to drop them off. This ended up adding 22 miles to my already 25 mile commute. I guess the good thing out of this is that one of the kids made a noise in the back seat. Otherwise, I probably would have driven them all the way to the office.

Went Shopping

I went shopping at Kohl's today with the wife and kids. Was secretly hoping to confirm the existence of nipple girl. No such luck. Maybe next time.

Nipple girl, if you're reading this, could you please supply your regular work schedule? Thanks!

http://www.kohls.com

Just Because They're Not Blue

Just because they're not blue doesn't mean they're not jeans. Come on ladies; you're not fooling anyone. The women in my office are notorious for pushing the envelope with the business casual policy. Shirts with the navel showing is an example from about two years ago. Actually, come to think about it, I really didn't mind that one. Their latest ploy, however, is colored demin. Let me tell you that regardless of whether your denim pants are red, white, or teal, it still doesn't make them dress pants. So, knock it off!

If I end up wearing a jacket and tie, because you were too stupid to understand the difference between khaki and demin, I may have to strangle you with it, the tie that is. Legal Disclaimer: The "strangle" reference in the previous sentence is merely a figure of speech. I am a very level headed person who would never choke the shit out of somebody for being stupid. So, anyone who thought it was inappropriate can refrain from comment.

Oh yeah, those fleece slacks you call leggings are really sweat pants!

The Metra Diaries: The Bar Car

If you've read some previous posts, you probably know already that I take a train (the Metra) to and from work pretty much every day. On the way home, I normally ride in the "bar car". This will probably explain some of the lunacy of my previous posts. Alcohol and mass transit can make for an ugly combination.

Before you are deluded with thoughts of having drinks in style while riding across the lush countryside, I need to tell you right off that the bar car isn't as opulent as it sounds. Between two of the cars where you'd normally get on and off the train, they have situated a make shift bar. On one side there's a beer cooler on the other is a stainless steel bar counter where a bartender can stand and serve drinks. It's primitive at best, but gets the job done.

It's also probably good to note that I don't get on the train at the first stop (Union Station). I catch the train in a suburb close to the city and take it to where I live in a suburb several miles away from the city. This means that some people have been on the train for up to 40 minutes prior to me getting on. This translates into 40 minutes of drinking time for the people on train even before I get there. Perhaps more if they've gotten off work early and had a time to hit a few at the bar in the station. I hope this give you some insight into some of the characters I am dealing with.

Oddball Request

I recently had one of the executives ask me to install full length mirrors in all of the bathrooms. While I thought this was odd since all of the bathrooms have really tall mirrors above the vanities, I complied with the request. I only came to find out later the reasoning behind it. Apparently, the executive's assistant had walked out of the bathroom with her skirt stuck in her pantyhose. She then proceeded to walk through an entire accounting wing (filled with at least 10 male accountants who saw the whole thing) before anyone was willing to tell her. Needless to say, she was quite embarrassed. Her reasoning as to why this happened was that she wasn't tall enough to see below her waist in the bathroom vanity. And this is the reason why all of our bathrooms have full length mirrors.

I Really Hate Driving to Work

For the next two weeks, I will relinquish my cush ride on the Metra to and from the office and will drive to work. My wife has agreed to take on some extra hours at work to fill in for someone out on medical leave. While I am not overjoyed by this predicament, I am a team player and will make the best of the situation. So, bad news is that unless my train friends feed me a good story, there will be no Metra Diaries for the next two weeks. Good new is that variety is the spice of life and I am sure there will be some good material from the drive to work. A woman shaving with an electric razor in her car is probably the best I've seen to date, but I'll keep my eyes open.

I know I've mentioned this previously but will take the time to reiterate it now. I detest driving to work. The ride in general isn't that far; the office is 25 miles door to door. However, average time for ride is generally an hour. The majority of my ride takes place on a major highway in Chicago referred to as the tollway. The posted speed limit on the tollway is 55. If traffic is light the average actual speed is probably somewhere in the neighborhood of 80. When I drive to and from work the average actual speed is somewhere right around, oh I don't know, 7 miles per hour. It's extremely irritating.

If you've never been to the Chicago area before, let me tell you it's really flat. A speed bump is probably the biggest hill you'll ever have to climb and if you have a step ladder, you can pretty much see the entire state. The reason I mention this is that I connotate a flat road with being really easy to drive. However, you'd never know it the way people drive here. The minute a drop of rain falls or the mention of a snowflake happens all hell breaks loose and the collective driving brain turns to mush. A 25 mile drive can take two hours. I have my theories, pollutants in the Lake Michigan water or a genetic defect but to date nothing can be substantiated. I'll try and keep you posted.

Surfing Porn at the Office

People who do not embrace technology should not surf porn at the office. We had a guy that retired recently who loved to surf porn at the office. The reason that most people around him knew this is that he really wasn't very good at working on the computer. He would often mistake the local printer in his office for the shared network one out in hallway. Suffice to say, on more than one occasion there was a pornographic image sitting in the bin by the printer in the hall. No one ever outed him publicly about it; but everyone would snicker when he would slink over and grab his picture hoping that no one had noticed.

Is Showing Your Nipples Appropriate Work Attire?

Personally, I have no problem with it. While you may not always be taken seriously by others in the office and some may have trouble looking you in the face, I say it's a freedom of rights issue and if you want to show off your girls to the rest of the world damn it you go ahead and do so.

The reason this came up is one of my friends was shopping at Kohl's with her husband over the weekend and when they went to check out the girl manning the register had the high beams obviously on so to speak. She said that she noticed the situation from about five feet away. Her husband, even after they left the store, indicated he hadn't noticed. He is of course a liar. Any man can notice an erect nipple through a shirt faster than he can find a $100 bill lying in the street. It's ingrained into our DNA. Regardless, her point was the Kohl's www.kohls.com is a conservative department store and that showing your nipples was not appropriate. I contended there were some people that had super nipples that were able to penetrate even the thickest bra and sometimes this situation was unavoidable.

Let me know what you think. Is it appropriate for your nipples to show through your shirt while you are at work?