Dear Santa...

Dear Santa:

As you already know, I've been a really good boy this year and am certainly deserving of some Christmas presents. Okay, maybe I haven't been all that good but cut me some slack already fat man; it's been a rough last 6 months. I am sure I can think of some others but here's my short list...

1. A colander. My old colander was foolishly lost in the division of assets with the soon to be ex Mrs Carrotpenis. How am I supposed to eat Ramen noodles if I can't drain the damn things.

2. A frying pan with a lid that fits. See note about colander above. I've discovered the hard way that you can't make rice-a-roni without it.

3. An appointment with The Cat Whisperer. While I've never heard of the Cat Whisperer, I am sure there is some nut job out there that does it. After all, there's a horse whisperer and a dog whisperer. That said, if the cat doesn't stop peeing in the now vacant dining room, I am going to build a one time use Cat Cannon.

4. A hot date to the Bears Packer game. I have two skybox tickets and no special (am by special, I mean hot and easy) lady to share them with. As game is on the 23rd, if you could get a move on this one, that will be greatly appreciated.

5. A new snowshovel. While old snow shovel was not lost in asset division, it sucks. And if the snow continues like it has been, it's going to be a long winter in Chicago.

6. A personal shopper. This whole grocery shopping thing is going to be the death of me. I absolutely hate going to Walmart. I'd spit on your grave Sam Walton; of course that would mean I'd have to go to Arkansas. I'd rather go to Walmart every day than do that.

7. A hot date in general. Screw the Bears Packers, I'd settle for dinner and drinks with a "special" lady. Please see description of "special" above in number 4.

Come on Santa, I'm not asking for much here. It's not like I want a Wii or anything like that.

Yours Truly,

Carrotpenis

Halloween Pics- It's about freaking time!

Since Christmas is right around the corner, I figured it might be time to get some Halloween Pictures posted. These were from a party hosted by The Accountant and his wife The Little Red Witch. It was a great time. This is a random sampling of the picture I felt able to post. You'll all be thankful that I spared you the one of The Fat Bastard in the hot tub.

Here The Little Red Witch does a great portrayal of the St. Pauli Girl.


Party Girl and Mrs. Fat Bastard having a tender moment.


The Fat Bastard trying to give Cowboy a french kiss. Fat Bastard, your wife must be one happy lady.


Party Girl and The Little Red Witch having a contest to see who has a better display of cleavage.

Here The King aka The Cowboy tries to cop a fell on Mrs. Fat Bastard.

I figure I will have my holiday pics up sometime around Easter. So, Enjoy!

Whose Cleavage is This?

This fine photo was snapped at Austin's in Libertyville a couple of weeks ago. Anyone care to make a guess on whose cleavage this is?

Prophetic Fortune Cookie

Hot blonde co-worker and I went to lunch at quickie Chinese buffet. While I don't take too much stock in fortune cookies, I am going to see where this one takes me....

"Soon a visitor shall delight you."

Unexpectedly thrust onto the dating scene, you go have to take what you can get...

Views from the Crackberry- Dead Guy on Train

The Mick and I rode the Metra on the way home last Friday. This guy was asleep when we got on the train and was still asleep when we got off the train. I swear I saw a puddle of drool on his laptop. He was so out of it that at one point, I even contemplated putting a mirror up to his mouth to see if he was still breathing.

Views from the Crackberry

Had a business trip to New York City a few weeks back. While I was there, I bamboozled my way onto a dinner cruise around Manhattan. I took this shot with my Crackberry. Too bad the ones of the Statue of Liberty didn't come out better. Well what do you expect from a little pin hole in the back of a cell phone.

Genesis Rocks!

The Fish (aka Mr. Fun) and I went to see Genesis at the United Center last night on a vendor boondoggle. It was a great time. While I am not that into Phil and the boys, they put on a great show. I can also now check them off my list of classic bands to see before they break up or die.

Cub's Game Busy

The Rooster, Mick and I have a running joke. Last Summer I blew them off for lunch on a Thursday because I was really busy at work. Then the same day, I proceeded to blow off a half day of work to go catch the Cubbies when someone invited me last minute. Come on, it was a sunny day and it was the Cubs at Wrigley. Now, whenever I say I am busy at work, they say are you really busy or just Cubs Game Busy.

You Know You Work for a Great Company When...

You come into work and there is a bottle of tequila sitting on your desk. Anyone got a lime and some salt? Yum!

Random Musings

Okay enough with Harry Potter and the Giant Penis; it's about time for a new post. I am going to go with some random thoughts and semi-humorous fodder from the land o' Carrotpenis...

• I am going to say it right now. The Cubs are going to once again fuck a good thing up. They have great talent; have put up impressive numbers but the train is clearly coming off the tracks. I just don't think they have what it takes to finish the deal. Hopefully, they will find someone to scapegoat like Steve Bartman the last time. For the love of Christ, I hope that I am wrong.
• I can clearly see that I am not going to be very good at the whole dating thing. I am already dreading the whole courting process of faking interest in someone to see if there's any slim possibility that there really is something between you or perhaps she's easy and will let you sleep with her. Okay, perhaps I'd be willing to put some work into that.
• Yes folks, I am once again "Molding America's Youth". I am foolishly coaching not one but two of The Boy's soccer teams. What am I thinking? I figure I am spending an easy 15-20 hours a week just devoted to soccer. As luck would have it though, I conveniently now have some free time worked into my schedule.
• Work is crazed as well. I can't figure out whether I am coming or going. I want to smack the hell out of the people who invented SAP. They are the bane of my existence right now. I want to pay my bills, honest I do. The SAP (DEVIL) won't let me do it. I am hoping that ComEd will just shut off the lights because we haven't paid them and then I can just go home.
• I just saw the previews for It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia which starts up again on FX this Thursday. If you haven't caught this train wreck, I highly advise that you check it out; over the top funny.
• A buddy of mine from college, Mike Weinreb, is up for a book award through MSNBC and The Quills for his book, The Kings of New York, as "Book of the Year". Log in and vote for him if you have a second, http://www.quillsvote.com/.
• Jersey Girl now has a blog all her own. She did somehow forget to send me the link though. Perhaps she's embarrassed to be affiliated with such drivel. Luckily, Cowboy was nice enought to send it along. Well if you have a chance check it out.....http://paintchick.blogspot.com/. If I didn't mention it before, she has a bit of paint fetish.
• I was mocked by a co-worker for saying there it was okay to tailgate at Ravinia. Come on people, who says you can't have a tailgate in the parking lot before you hit the orchestra seats? Cowboy, New Party Girl and I hit there a couple of weeks ago to catch Hootie and the Blowfish. We rode the vendor gravy train and listened to some pretty good tunes on the lawn. The weather could have been a bit better though. Classic moment of the evening was a a toss up between cute gopher girl dropping her Panera in the parking lot at the train station (I bet her boss was pissed) and then being helped by inebriated guy much to the chagrin of inebriated guy's wife. And very drunk dorky guy on bus home being mocked by hot girls in short skirts and no underwear. I will give kudos to guy for pulling together his group of hot girls but I am guessing they think he's gay.
• I went to my 20th high school reunion two weeks ago. Had a blast but was bamboozled into driving home a drunk friend by two other friends who ditched us at a bar at 2am. I am plotting my revenge right now. I will delve into further details of the reunion in a separate post.
• Looking for a bachelor/single dad pad in the Grayslake area. If anyone know of a great place, please pass it along. I am looking for close proximity to train station, downtown area, and single hot moms. Fat Bastard, perhaps I can sublet that inlaw apartment you call a fish tank in your basement.

Alright, the freaks on the Metra are calling and it's time to pack up my shit and get the hell out of here before I kill someone. Bon Voyage.

Harry Potter: The Lost Episodes

In one of Harry's lesser know tales. Harry is encased in glass, turned into butter by the evil LordVoldemort and then attacked by a giant butter penis. In a panic Harry shits butter onto the floor.

New Party Girl snapped this at the Iowa State Fair. Party Girl insists that isn't a giant penis but in fact an owl on a log. Come on people, who's that sculptor kidding; that's a penis. Bible belt my ass.

Cubs 1 Carrotpenis 0

Went to the Cubs game the other night to watch them beat the Phillies. Had an awesome time. Hit Murphy's Bleacher before the game. Had a some delicious cold ones at the game with some great guys. Then we went to John Barleycorn after for a night cap. Lot's of very attractive women in Cubbies Blue, my kinda place. The game and festivities right up til 11pm were "off the hook". The ride home, not so much.


Here's where the train starts to get off the tracks so to speak. I had planned on catch the 11ish Metra train back to the burbs on the way home. But due to my selfdiagnosed ADHD or possibly severe mental retardation, I fucked up the time and ended up missing the 11ish train. This absolute brain fart set me on the curb for and hour and forty minutes waiting for the last train of the evening, the 12:40. The only saving grace was that I did get to relax against a rather comfy chain link fence while sitting on the concrete platform. Note to self, invent a bag chair that just pops out of my ass.


Well, if you think missing the train was the low point of the evening, then you'd be wrong. As luck would have it, the train was much more comfy than the sidewalk and fence. I know, big surprise. So comfy in fact, I thought it would be a good eye idea to rest my eyelids enroute to the glorious town of Grayslake. Again, bad idea, as I was brought out of my restful slumber by the delightful conductor lady telling me were in Round Lake which happens to be one stop past the one where my car was parked. To make matters worse and as I mentioned earlier this was the last train of the evening which pretty much leaves me fucked.

So, I did what all very tired and resourceful men would do at 1:40am in the morning; I called a cab. Did I call a reputable cab service (is that an oxymoron)? No, that would be the smart thing to do. I took the easy way out and called a cab from a generic looking business card stuck to the pay phone. When I call the guy that answers says he will be there in 10 or 15 minutes. This is apparently a lie. Because 30 minutes later, I call back to find out where the cab is. This time the guys says he will be there in 5 minutes. This too is a lie as it takes him easily another 20 minutes to show up. Finally, the cab get there after nearly 50 minutes of waiting, I'm not sure I can really call it a cab but it finally looks like I am in the home stretch.



The cab and I will use that term loosely is scary. It's a beat up white Dodge Caravan that looks like it may have been in a previous life used for artillery practice at a mortar range. There is no insignia on the vehicle that says it's a cab. The only sign real sign that it is a cab is that there is some scummy guy inside looking at me to get my ass inside. Due to extreme fatigue my serial killer sensors were clearly not working properly and I jumped aboard. The guy has a very strong accent; I know big surprise there. He's from central Europe, Polish or Czech would be my guess. As we pull out, I notice the meter is cranking at a pretty good pace but think nothing of it at first. A few minutes later we are two miles from the station and I look down and the meter already say $12.50. I start to get annoyed and question the driver about the insane rate. He tells me that it's $4.50 a mile and gives me some bullshit line about the price of gas being high. It is obvious to me that he's just taking advantage of the predicament that I am in but I continue on with the ride. About a mile and a half later, I look down and now the meter says $18.75 and I decide fuck this. I demand that the driver let me out of the cab. He pulls over and lets me out on the side of the road as I am nearly screaming at him about what bullshit this is.

This as it turns out is my fourth bad move of the night. As I start walking down the road, I realize that I am not nearly as close to the train station as I thought. So, to top off my delightful trip home, I get to hike my ass nearly two miles to get my car in the middle of the night on a dark deserted road.

So to recap, missed early train, fell asleep on train, took cab ride from hell and then hiked two miles. Clearly, I wronged someone somewhere. I finally got back to Carrotpenis Manor at 3am, four long arduous hours after the guys left me off at the train. Needless to say, I was a might tired at work the next day. Oh well, you live and you learn.

Views From the Crackberry

Mullet Sighting at Wrigley!

The Times They Are Definitely A Changin!

I guess it's time. I've been holding off on this little tidbit for quite awhile now, several weeks in fact. I don't know why've I waited actually. I think the majority of my closer friends that read this blog know already anyway. Well there's really no easy way to say it other than just being direct about it. Mrs. Carrotpenis and I have decided to part ways. Suffice to say, things were not working out. And with that said, this will be the last thing I will say about my personal relationship with her, the separation, the divorce, etc. Well that is of course unless there's something funny and non-insulting to her to write about; currently that would not be the case.

Special Note: If this is the first you've heard about this and believe you should have been given a personal update from me, I apologize profusely. But as you can imagine there's been a little stress in my life over the past few weeks and it has gone by like a blur.

So, moving on. I knew this blog would be therapeutic. I am feeling better already. I like to say, if you don't have something good to say about a situation, you might as well poke fun at it. If it's at your own expense all the better. Here are some things that I am really (with hint of sarcasm in my voice) looking forward to as I embark on my new life as "New and Improved Single Carrotpenis". These are not in any order of importance or rating.

1. Dating- I can actually put all my web surfing research of match.com for the VOR to work. See, in retrospect that wasn't a huge waste of countless hours of my time at work.

2. Sex with new exotic crazy single women in their midthirties. I firmly believe that people who are of my age and single are quite possibly that way for a reason not just choice. It's because, they are fucking nut jobs (present company possibly included). This sex thing is of course just theoretical at this point. I would actually have to find someone to have sex with me, but I am hopeful. See point number 1 above.

3. Eating at new and exciting restaurants like the McDonalds and White Castle!

4. Sitting in my underwear at home just about any time I want. Of course, this my be detrimental to points one and two.

5. My new digs. Am currently hoping that it isn't going to be a van down by the river.

6. Washing my own clothes. You can put everything in cold water, can't you?

7. Going to the grocery store and even worse yet, Walmart. Is there no end to the madness.

8. Decorating my own digs. That there deodorant tree sure does add a special touch to the van don't it.

9. Spending the Christmas alone watching Bad Santa eating Turkey TV dinners.

10. And last but not least, becoming a workaholic to cover off on the downtime when I don't have the kids, yeah right.

Best o' the Week from Overheard...

Someone got me reading Overheard in New York. People send in funny quotes they've heard around the city of New York. It is really hilarious reading. Check it out if you've got the chance. My pick for best of this week is the following:

Queer hipster: Oh my god! Some hobo just asked if I wanted to see his pubic wonderland!

Have a good one!

What's Hot and What's Not!

As I mentioned previously, I was looking for some new blogs to replace some of the outdated or underappreciated ones in the "Blogs I Dig" section. Well the first wave has happened.

What's Hot....
Check out Jennsylvania, very funny! Thanks Janice
Go Fug Yourself! An old favorite
Kill the Goat! One from my favorites list that I don't read often enough.
Demon Baby
Overheard in NY

What's Not...
Binky Boodle, An absolute disappointment. You should have kept posting on ChicksnBreasts.
Scary Personals
Urban Cougar
Topless Hotdog Entertainment

If you've got any others to check out, please shoot them along

Go Sox!!!

As promised here are the pictures of Cowboy's handy work at Jersey Girl's house....

Welcome Back, Jersey Girl! Go Red Sox!

Our friends Big Jim and Jersey Girl have been on a whirlwind 3 week vacation in the Eastern Bloc countries for the past few weeks. Well to be more exact, Jersey Girl was on a whirlwind vacation with the kids and Big Jim was living the bachelor life for two weeks joining them for the third week in London once they departed the Slavic regions.

Anyway, Jersey Girl is a huge New York Yankee's fan. When I mean huge, I mean rabid. Her house is constantly adorned with a Yankee's flag. She wears Yankee clothing, yadda, yadda, yadda. This in the land of Cubs and White Sox sticks out like a sore thumb.

Well as payback for a photoshopped picture of Cowboy in a goofy hat combined with a body in tight pants with the package showing posted everywhere at a family bbq a few weeks ago, there's a little welcome home present waiting for her today, Red Sox style. I hope to have a picture tomorrow. Let's just say, she's not going to be happy. Frying pan to the head anyone?

I'm in the Market for...

Some new blogs to read. I just ran through the Blogs I Dig section and realized it's time for an update. While a number of the them are still must reads for me, several are no longer posting (like I should talk) or just aren't doing it for me anymore. Have I possibly matured; that's really doubtful. If anyone reading has one they'd like to point me direction of, please feel free to do so. If you've read my posts, you know what types of things I like. If you haven't, you should there are some really good ones.

Tenacious D Ruins a Family Fire aka The Brain Fart Story

Men, and I am totally stereotyping right now, love FIRE! They just can get enought of it. Their adoration of it all starts at around 5 years old when they get their asses beat for playing with matches; it moves on to blowing things up with fire crackers and bottle rockets as adolescents; then somewhere around adulthood they need to pick a path and either become firemen, arsonists or sit their asses on lawn chairs in the driveway drinking beer around the fire pit. I as most of you know have chosen the latter. Well this is where our story begins.

If you live in or around Chicago you'll know exactly what I am talking about. You know in the Spring when you have that first 80 degree day that falls on a Friday or Saturday and you think that all is right with the world. Winter hasn't quite left yet but damn you sure can see Summer coming. You get that happy feeling where you can just sit outside for the entire day enjoying the weather and you never want it to end. Well a couple of months ago, we had just such a day. And of course we didn't want it to end, so what do we do, the most logical choice of idiot male suburbanites, have a fire. See I did have a point there.

This was not just any male bonding fire either. All the players were there, Cowboy, The Voice of Reason, The Fat Bastard, and Mr. Jones to name a few. There were also some prospective rookies, Big Jim, Stay at Home Larry, and the star of our story Tenacious D. We were all having a really great time. The wives and offspring were all there as well. Everyone was having a grand time imbibing tasteless domestic beer from the can and regalling each other with stories of our youth.

Since I haven't mentioned it yet, the event was being held at Cowboy's. Cowboy lives in a nice quiet neighborhood but has the unfortunate luck to live on a street that gets used as cut through from one side of the neighborhood to another nearby neighborhood. Since people are only cutting through, they very little respect for any speed limits and have no problem going 50mph on a 25mph street. With all the kids running back and forth between the houses, this is potential recipe for disaster.

Well after the beverages were flowing for quite some time, there were a whole bunch of guys standing out by the street when the third car of the evening comes absolutely screaming down the street. Immediately, everyone starts yelling to slow down. Then in his infinite wisdom Tenacious D. decides it will be a good idea to spray his nearly full beer all over the offending vehicle. Unfortunately for the driver as I stated earlier, it was a really nice day and the windows were down. The car then hits the brake and jams in into reverse. Suddenly, there are a dozen nearly sober guys standing by the open window of the beer covered car. The driver it turns out is a foul mouth 17 year old girl. And boy is she pissed, covered in beer and swearing a blue streak. This goes on for a few seconds until she realizes she talking to a bunch of idiots who don't care what she is saying; she then speeds of down the street into the darkness to endanger other children.

Wouldn't you know it, five minutes later two of small town's "Finest" show up with the lights ablazing. I am surprised that they didn't have the sirens going. First to arrive on the scene is Police Woman and definitely not Angie Dickinson Police Woman either. This is more like Ma Kettle police woman. She might as well of had a donut sticking out of her mouth. Then quickly following is her partner, Barney Fife. Well Barney begins by questioning the mob as to what exactly happened. In true Goodfella's fashion everyone just dummied up and acted stupid. I know, big stretch. At one point after becoming frustrated that things were going nowhere in the hot investigation of the beer thrower, Barney actually used the phrase "Brain Fart". As in, "I see that everyone here has had a bit of a brain fart and can't remember anything." This elicited some laughter from the crowd as we wondered if brain fart could be used on a police report.

After a stern lecture from Barney and Police Woman about not using vigilante tactics to quell speeding in the neighborhood, they drove off leaving us to laugh and laugh at Tenacious D.'s near arrest for what I am sure would be any number of trumped up charges.

You've think you've seen it all

I just saw a blind guy mowing the grass and he wasn't missing at all.

Cold sober, I can still find misses after I am done, go figure.

Still Kicking!

Thanks to everyone who has been poking their head in randomly and emailing to see if I am still alive. I honestly haven't been in the mood to do a post in really long while. And the absolute whirlwind that has been happening at work and at home certainly hasn't helped either. Well after the urgings of some friends; I think mostly just to get rid of that giant ass picture currently at the top of the blog. I have decided to give the posting thing another go. At the very least, it may be therapeutic for me, I am guessing that this will be at the expense of others. No hard feeling though.

I think it is probably best to start out with a random highlights to bring everyone up to speed on at least a little bit of what's been happening in the Land of Carrotpenis.

• Cowboy and I took a road trip down to Charlotte to see a NASCAR race; I know, we continue to solidify our "white trash" reputation. While not quite the debacle that happened at Chicago Motor Speedway last year, it was great fun. Jim and Jim's hot wife showed us an absolutely awesome time. The hospitality tent and skybox experience were absolutely over the top. I will have to say that Jim Beam needs to do a better job of interviewing their shooter girls; a fantastic body does not make up for and ugly face regardless of how perfect her boobs are.
• Went to Cub's Rooftop game with Cowboy. Does anyone sense a theme here? Baseball, Free Drinks and Free Food are a classic combination. Met gay couple who thought Cowboy and I were domestic partners, so to speak. Come on people, can't guys go out a couple times a week without their wives to hang out and watch sports on a regular basis without being accused of being gay, not that there's anything wrong with that. I do have to admit that the VOR did appear a little jealous when he found out we met new gay friends. Cowboy and I parlayed the cubs game into an entire day of drinking rounded out by the Cowboy and I at the Vine at around 10pm, much to the chagrin of some other patrons.
• I have been riding the train fairly regular lately; yesterday I got to ride with the Mick and Rooster. Rooster was in typical fashion the Queen of the Geriatric car lording over the elderly minions. Rooster, you better not back out on our lunch. Can't wait to have tater tots at Traxx next week, mmm love the tots.
• Have flown out to Westchester, NY twice in the past two weeks for complete bullshit business trips. Four days of travel wasted for 3 hours of meetings is complete crap. On one excursion though, I did a swing through of Phillipsburg, NJ, my old stomping grounds, to see the "Rents". It was really nice to catch up and see the old hometown. When I am there, I always catch myself looking at people around my age and wondering what they would like if they lost 40 or 50 pounds to see if can remember who they were. Am I wrong for doing that? My 20 year reunion is coming up in August; I am looking forward to what I imagine will certainly be a train wreck.
• The Fun's had a family bbq/adult drinking party not too long ago complete with a kegger and 200 jello shots. Nothing like a few jello shots do transform a casually drinking housewife into a "Dirty Girl". It was lots of fun. Someone, who will remain nameless, put the ass picture from the previous post below on all the neighbor's cars and in their mailboxes with a tagline that said property of Mrs. Fun on them. Not sure what that is all about or perhaps, I am. The neighbors were nice enough to return the pictures the next morning to Mrs. Fun's mailbox. I am sure that the postman enjoyed that one. Found out that I am really not that good at Sink the Bismark. Mr. Fun, I am still not sure that isn't a game that you made up on the spur of the moment. Is anyone else familiar with it? Mrs. Fun, could you please send the picture of Mrs. Carrotpenis grabbing Aussie Girl's boob?

I think this wraps up today's installment. As promised previously, look for an upcoming post where I will update you on how "Tenacious D. Ruins a Bonfire".

Giant Asshole!

I will give a bottle of Basil Hayden's Bourbon to the person who can correctly identify what person sent me this lovely picture of their giant ass via text message on Saturday night. By the way, I don't know what games you and The Wife are into but it looks like it may involve a riding crop.

The Cowboy, The VOR, Mrs. Carrotpenis, and New Party Girl are not eligible to guess in the contest. You are, however, free to make funny comments about the picture.

Happy 38th....

Birthday to the Voice of Reason! Hope you are having a great day filled with balloon animals and pony rides. We certainly know that you aren't working very hard. We all have to go out and have some drinks to celebrate. Oh shit, I think we already did that twice this previous weekend. Cowboy just told me the "New Party Girl" has a special gift for you.

VOR, Cougar Hunter

As I may of mentioned in bitter post sometime back (okay fine it was two posts ago), our friend The Voice of Reason (the VOR) has been vicously thrown back into the dating arena. In addition to our extremely helpful assistance with his match.com pursuits, The Cowboy and I have also been looking at alternative dating methods in which to live vicariously through him. And as the VOR is still on "the Rebound" and in all probability his first relationship will quickly go to the shitter anyway, we have decide that we will encourage him to do a bit of Cougar Hunting mostly for our own amusement not his.

To educate him in the correct art of hunting Cougars, Cowboy was nice enough to do a little research and found this delightful website, www.urbancougar.com. If you are not familiar with the art of hunting the elusive or perhaps not so elusive Cougar, I encourage you to check out the site. It provides a great overview as well as some informative definitions. We are hoping to take the VOR on the road this weekend and see if he can lure a live one in. Traincar Mary, you better watch out. If anyone know of any good "Dens" in the northern burbs, please feel free to share them. And no, Fat Bastard, Bake's is definitely not considered a den.

Random Highlights a Long Time Coming

Well since it's been awhile since my last bitter post, I thought a quick random highlights list may be in order. So, here goes...

• Went to March Madness/St. Patrick's day party at Cowboy's. Damn, it has been a long time since I did a post. It was a veritable who's who of immature drunk middle aged children. Stay at Home Larry was the first one there, big surprise. Fat Bastard and Mr. Jones were there embarrassing their wives as usual. I heard that Mr. Jones took bites our of an entire bowl of green apples and in then replaced them in a display bowl that Mrs. Cowboy had sitting on her kitchen table. Mr. Green drank a whole bottle of Maker's Mark and had to be followed home under the close supervision of The Voice of Reason (see below). I made a quick exit when Tequila Rose (nasty stuff) started to get the best of me.
• Mrs. Carrotpenis went out for a night cap with Johnny B and The Cowboy two Friday's ago. Due to events surrounding this evening, Johnny B. will now be referred to as The Voice of Reason or just VOR for short. That said, is it okay for The VOR to have blackout moments while performing his duties?
• Have been watching a new show on FX call The Riches. It's like a train wreck but I am very hooked; take a watch if you have a chance. Minnie Driver is easily in my Top 10.
• Been frequenting The Vine in Grayslake, IL. Great place, awesome drinks and apparently they serve food or at least I am told. If you live in the area, definitely catch some drinks there. I'm not quite at the "Norm" status of the VOR but I am working on it. Tell Juan and Ralph I said, Hi if you drop in.
• In case there was any doubt, I have officially achieved "White Trash" status. For the past several months I've been subbing once a month on Cowboy's bowling team. Well get this, we won the league championship and I done got me a trophy with my name engrave and all. I figure I am one step away from having a broken down car in my front yard.

Well, work is calling and I need to save some stories of stupidity for my next post. Coming Soon: Tenacious D. comes to his first fire and bad things happen. Don't miss it!

Ding Dong The Witch is ....

Well she's not dead but at least she's moved onto the next part of her pathetic life.

On Monday morning, I got a text message from my friend, Johnny B. saying "I'm Free!" which could mean only one of two things. One, he had just escaped from being tied up in a scary night of BDSM sex with that midget lady he found on match.com or his divorce was final. It was the latter and not a second too soon. We (Cowboy, myself, and the rest of our sad circle of friends) have been on the peripheral of this train wreck for nearly a year now. If it hadn't ended when it did, I am sure that things would have gotten really ugly. Johnny B. was really fairly level headed through the whole arduous thing and I commend him for that. I am not sure I would have been as mature (fucking whore) as he has been.

I am still utterly amazed at how much control a woman has over a divorce proceeding regardless of whether or not she sleeping with her cousin and she voluntarily chooses to leave her husband and two kids for said cousin after 13 years of marriage without a thought of reconciling. Yes, it's as creepy as it sounds. In Illinois there is very little penalty if any for being 95% of the cause for the marriage break up, you still get your half. It seems like it is even worse if you allow your spouse to be a stay at home mother. That $80k value being provided by your wife as a stay at home quickly flows out the window when you get a lawyer involved and your ex becomes a money grubbing, I want to continue to sit on my ass and not get a job even though I am only screwing my cousin and not taking care of the children on a full time basis bitch. Suddenly, their whole earning power drops to zilch and you as the guy are left holding the bag and making child support payments to your spouse even though the kids live with you. Utterly pathetic. But I digress.

Well what started out as a nice congrats on a bad situation turned into an aimless rage filled rant. I apologize. Johnny B., I have a nice bottle of Basil Hayden with your name on it. We'll drink to good friends and the future and oh yeah the hilarity that is going to ensue as you make the real leap into the world of crazy women and casual sex. I am already laughing. I hear that Miss Plum Court is free this weekend.

The Suggestion Box is Back!!!

After a very long hiatus, my place of corporate drudgery has decided to reinstate the fabulously inane, on-line, anonymous "Suggestion Box". If you are a long time reader, you will remember that the suggestion box is great fodder for blog post material. The primary reason is that many of the employees here confuse the suggestion box with a sounding board for them to bitch about the petty things that they think are important. The great Capri Pants Debate of 2005 and the Burnt Popcorn Scandal of 2006 are two prime examples.

If you aren't familiar with the suggestion box saga, search through the archives and have a look. It's great stuff I promise. It always amazes me how people will confuse their place of work and their co-workers with their homes, subservient spouses and disobedient children. Well if that didn't happen, I'd have one less thing to write about. Please note that I am almost giddy with anticipation for the for the first idiotic idea to be submitted. My bet is that it will happen in the next week.

The Bastards- Last Days of the Bar Cars on the Metra

The bastards! Metra has recently announced that they will be phasing out their bar cars over the next two years. I've been riding in the bar car on the way home from work for 11 years. I have friends that I met solely because of drinking in the bar car. In fact, I have friends that I only see in the bar car. I've seen and blogged about more funny things than I can count on the bar car. What the hell am I going to do now? Ride with the rest of the quiet, non-drinking, book reading, anti-social losers, I'm not so sure. I may need to start driving. See already this is a bad idea.

The ambience (yeah ambience fuckers) of the bar car is one of the things that really draws me to the train. Sure I say that it's relaxing and I get work done on the train, and I do in the morning. But most afternoons, I enjoy having a delicious beverage and doing some people watching. All the freaks congregate in the bar car.

Their flawed reasoning for the phase out is supposedly due to the fact that they want to maximize ridership. I don't know about anyone else but I can never find a seat in the bar car. In fact, I find those cars around the bar more full than other on the train. It's just complete bullshit. Metra is simply bowing to the insurance companies and the crap that anti-alcohol groups are serving up.

Whether they realize it or not, the end result of the the elimination will do more harm than good. First to the other riders, rather than have these freaks congregated in one area on the train, they will now be dispersed throughout the train. Hey, quiet reader, you will now be subject to Kermit's insane ramblings and his disgusting offer to eat from his bag of chips. I sure envy you. Again, to the other riders, since Metra is not banning the drinking of alcohol on trains just the bar cars, these people will now be drinking amongst you. That should be fun. To the anti-alcohol folks and the insurance companies. Now instead of a bartender monitoring how many drinks a rider has had, the riders will be monitoring themselves. The end result will be more on train accidents and increased drunk driving. Again, that sounds like win win for this whole situation.

Well fellow bar car comrades, we have up to two years. Let's get cracking. Here's what I think we need to do. First, complain to Metra about the phasing out of the bar cars. It's bullshit, we all know it, let's tell them about it. Second step, buy your drinks and drink them in the bar car. Decreased revenues is one of the reasons for the phase out. If the bar cars' profits increase, one of their reasons goes away. Three, be responsible about your drinking. While this one should be obvious, sometimes it isn't. Know your limits and don't drink and drive drunk. And last, be friendly encourage people to sit in the bar car. Don't be drunk and surly like you usually are, build the crowd in the bar car. For the rest of you riding the rails, complain loudly too. Remember, in the not too distant future, we'll all be sitting and drinking with you.

If any of you have any other ideas of how to stem the tide, let me know. I will now end the editorial portion of my blog for today.

Match.com: Tips for Getting a Date

As some of you know, Johnny B. has been going through a bit of a rough patch. Last Spring, his lovely wife (whore) informed him that she'd be moving on to what she thinks are greener pastures with her new man. Note: there is a much longer and more interesting story behind this, but I will leave it for another day when I am in a really bad mood.

As you can imagine Johnny B. like most people who were just smacked in the face by a baseball bat, moved through the various stages of grieving that come along with a divorce. Thankfully, he's now somewhere between "This bitch isn't getting any of my money!" and "I really need to have some sex with someone else or I am going to explode!"

Due to these certain physical needs and oh sure a desire for female companionship, blah, blah, blah, Coach has set himself up with a profile on Match.com. He even went out on a couple of dates with someone or so he told us. She doesn't appear to be in the picture any longer though; either that or he's not willing to scare her off by introducing her to the antics of Cowboy and me. I'm thinking it's the latter. I'm also betting that his kids will be introduced to any girlfriends prior to us as to lessen the blow that he's foolish enough to hang around with us.

Anyway, getting to the point of my post here, solid buddy support system that we are, Cowboy and I have taken up surfing Match.com in order to find quality dates for Johnny B. After several hours of intense research on his behalf I've made a few important observations that I thought some of you might find helpful if you are trying to land a man on Match.com or any other internet dating site for that matter. In the interest of not being sued by Match.com or the women on the site, I will refrain from posting the actual pictures for now. These are in no particular order.

• Getting your courage up to put a profile out there by drinking two bottles of wine and then using a webcam photo from the same evening is probably not going to get you too many dates. Shitfaced drunk is not a good first impression; save that for the third date.
• In the same vein, I'd really think twice about using a webcam photo in your profile at all. It takes a really hot woman to look good in the indigo blue glow of a poorly lit room and a computer monitor. Kind of like wearing white stockings. Some people are good enough to pull them off, but you're better off not going there.
• While sure every guy wants to see a couple of pictures of you, posting 15 of them comes off as narcissistic and conceited. I think that 4 or 5 is probably a good number. Anything more and you come off as being really into yourself.
• Pets of any kind in your profile photos are a huge no no. This is especially the case for small dogs and definitely for cats. While you may think that being an animal lover is a nice touch, the guys instantly thinks, "Crazy Cat Lady" or I am going to have to share my bed with that fucking thing.
• I would seriously think about putting your kids in any pictures. I definitely think you should mention them in your profile; no need to be dishonest. It's just hard to feel romantic about someone as a first impression when she has two snot nosed kids draped on her. You also need to consider that if I can get on here and make fun of this shit, scum bag pedophiles are on here too. You also list the general vicinity where you live. Not a good idea in general.
• Pictures with other guys in them is another bad idea. Sure, you know it's your gay friend Jeff. Anyone else looking at it is thinking this woman isn't sure she wants to be single. This goes double for pictures where the guy is in the picture but has been photoshopped or cropped out. This only makes you look crazy.
• If you are going to post pictures of you with other women in them, make sure that the other women are not better looking than you are. Surrounding yourself with fat ugly friends only makes you look better. Remember to not be too drastic though, he certainly doesn't want to hang out with a pack of uglies after you start dating. If you are a 7, shoot for a 5 or 6 friend in your picture. One disclaimer, if you are into bringing your girlfriend home for sex with your dates, by all means the hotter the better.
• I am all for putting a picture of yourself in a bathing suit or low cut blouse if you can pull it off; if not, I wouldn't go there.
• Listing that you enjoy skinny dipping and want a guy who likes erotica is a dangerous line to walk. To guys, Erotica = PORN and skinny dipping is code for sexually adventurous. If you aren't into either, think very carefully about posting these items. Tied up with candle wax on your nipples isn't for everyone.
• You also might want to think about using the terms sarcastic and power. All guys are jackasses, no need to get the really bad ones. Unless that's what you are into.
• Don't lie about your age. We call all see from your picture that you are easily in your mid forties, not thirty-seven like you say. Plus don't put it past us to search through your purse on the first (and perhaps only) date to see how old you are when you aren't looking. You don't want younger guys anyway; we only mature with age. I am hoping to not be this big of an asshole after I turn 40.

Well, that's all I can think of for now. If you've got any others leave me a comment. Good luck, I don't envy any of you out there looking for dates.

It's the Fucking Mummers!

Holy crap it's the Mummer's! Melina reminded me of this little ditty from my youth. Each year in Philadelphia, typically on New Years Day, there is the Mummer's day parade. The Mummer's Day parade is Philly's version of Rio's Carnivale, but without the drinking, the sex, the hot women and the floats. Okay, maybe it isn't a whole lot like Carnivale. But you do have freaky middle aged men dressed up in feathered outfits playing "When the Saints Come Marching In!" on banjo. My favorite memories of the Mummers were from the years when it was really fucking windy and you'd have hundreds these jackasses flying everywhere. Nothing like a drunk Mummer flat on his back with a banjo.

Karma is Good to Me and The Mick!

Live from the Metra. There's this guy (jackass) who we've nicknamed "St. Louis" that takes the same train home as the Mick and me. He also rides in the bar car with us. I've hated this fucker since the moment I met him. I'm not sure where my initial dislike came from, but I alway remember that my first impressions are usually dead spot on. I think what annoys me the most about him is that he's very type A, doesn't give a rats ass about other people's feelings, and isn't afraid to show it off. It also doen't help that he weird looking like a leprachaun and thinks he's the cat's meow.

Case in point, yesterday was a horrible commute home. It was raining like a monsoon outside and this tends to drive all the fair weather people to mass transit. So, the bar car was absolutely packed. When we got on, the Mick and I had to stand and wait for a seat until the next stop. Jackass, St. Louis, found a seat next to this asian guy who looked like Quincy's assistant coroner. Just before the next stop, a guy equidistant from St. Louis and where the Mick and I are standing starts to get up. What does St. Louis do but in typical prick fashion he jumps up from his seat and takes the open one. He then proceeds to put his coat and bag on the seat next to him so that no one can sit down. He is such an asshole. I was just about to call him out on it when Quincy's assistant gets up to leave too. So, Mick and I end up sitting right behind him. I was so pissed off about the whole thing I almost spit into his man purse when he got up to get a beer.

Well wouldn't you know it, there was Karma to make everything better. In the afternoons on the train, our stop is over half way home from the Chicago, Lake Cook Road to be exact. So, the conductors on the train have already been through the cars several times to punch tickets prior to us getting. Due to this they tend to be a little less meticulous about their work the farther the train gets towards home. Please note, that I am not at all complaining. This means that you don't typically get your ticket punched on the way home which equals a free ride most of the time. That is unless you are huge jackass on the train every day In this case, they actually come and seek you out.

This is exactly what happened to St.Louis. The Mick and I were sitting there minding our own business having a refreshing Jim Beam on the rocks when a younger conductor comes out of no where and bee lines right for St. Louis. St. Louis tries to give him some line of bullshit about losing his transfer ticket, but the rookie conductor doesn't miss a beat. He not only charges him for the ticket but also charges him the penalty fee for not getting the transfer too. St. Louis was just livid. HA! HA! HA! HA! If he had punched our tickets this would have been funny, but to make things even better he just walked right past the Mick and I after screwing St. Louis. I was almost crying And all is right with the world.