The Suggestion Box

A few months ago, someone had the tremendous idea to put an anonymous suggestion box on the corporate intranet at my work. You'd think this would be awesome; a place for people to put constructive ideas about improving the company. Well if that's what you thought, you'd be wrong. Instead of using the box as a place to make useful suggestions, our employees are using it as a sounding board for things they dislike. It's also used as place to make outlandish requests that they don't have the balls to ask for with their name attached to them.

Here's an example of the nonsense that I am talking about. Someone suggested that we put coat hooks in the bathroom outside of the ones already on the back of the stall door so they didn't have to bring their coat into the stall with them. The response in the suggestion box was that the suggestion was not being filled because of cost concerns. My unofficial response....Hello, this isn't your fucking house where every whim can be filled because you feel like it. If you don't want to bring you jacket with you into the stall, don't bring it into the bathroom. I'm still not sure why anyone brings their jacket into the bathroom anyway. Maybe they like to hit the crapper right before the long drive home. Who knows. My first suggestion for the suggestion box is going to be that we call it the "idiotic idea box" so that at least we are being truthful about it's use.

Suck and Blow

Let's get this straight, I've have done some really dumb things to facilitate the drinking of alcohol. I've been down the traditional route of quarters, three man, asshole, beer bongs, etc. I've also tried inventive ways like Jenga til you puke, pennies, death by cups, and the dated case race. Well I am guessing by now you get the picture.

Anyway, today I found quite possibly the stupidest way to drink alcohol ever; it's a product called "suck and blow". Don't confuse this "suck and blow" with a game played with an ID card. That game while certainly stupid, always much harder and not as much fun as it appears is different. Basically, this product is a dual ended tube in which one person sucks a jello shot from the tube while simultaneously another person blows the shot into their mouth. It's completely asinine. Which makes me assume it will be a giant hit with the 21 to 25 shooter crowd and a must have for every Spring Breaker. If you are having a problem visualizing or just want a good laugh, check out their web site: http://www.suckandblow.com. I challenge you to find something dumber than this one.

Work Hazards???

One of the guys that works in my facility group was helping a woman from our MIS department roll a heavy copier from one part of the building to another. This woman is fairly well endowed and has a tendency to wear low cut blouses. When they got to the threshold from the hallway into the new copy room, it took an extra bit of exertion to get the heavy copier over the lip. In doing so, the women end up exposing one of her breasts. The slippage was immediately noticed by the guy that was helping her. She unfortunately did not realize that it had happened. He ended up having to give her the "glance away sideways look" to inform her. I don't think they spoke for about three weeks after that. Lesson learned: low cut blouses and heavy lifting are a dangerous mix.

We're White Trash Rich

Filed my taxes early and just got the big check back from the IRS. While we could put that money to some good use, like paying off our credit cards or setting up a 429 plan for the kids. What are we going to do; buy ourselves something nice. Might as well be living in a run down trailer home with a satellite dish and a big screen television.

The Metra Diaries: Meat Man

Last Friday, I jump on the train and am just about to enjoy my "Happy Hour" bourbon when I glance over and notice a cash transaction taking place. My immediate thought is drugs, but I can't imagine these morons are actually selling drugs right out in the open like that. I then come to find out that the guy sitting across the aisle from me is selling frozen meat. No kidding. He has a cardboard box with some obscure butcher's name on it and the scroungiest looking duffel bag I've ever seen; both of which are filled with what appear to be frozen steaks and chops. Now I am as trusting as the next guy, but there is no fucking way that I'd buy frozen meat from a guy on the train let alone the fact that the meat is stored with no means of cooling in a dirty duffel bag. But get this, while we are sitting there, three more people come up and buy meat from this guy and apparently he is known to many as the "Meat Man". My only thought is this is some crazy nut bag cutting up cats and selling them or worse yet the next Jeffrey Dahmer.

Bonehead Move

I am such a jackass. Today, I drive all the way to the Metra station only to realize that my wallet and as a result my ticket are sitting on the counter at home. Since there is no gurantee of a sympathetic conductor, I was forced to drive the tollway. Boy, do I hate driving to work. It's only 25 miles, but it takes like an hour. I did get to see the end result of a nasty rollover crash in which no one was hurt. So, bonus there I guess.

Meeting Today!

I was out of the office at an off site meeting all day today. While most of the time it was a total bore and not worth mentioning; the guy next to me was dead away asleep for about 20 minutes right after lunch. Honestly, I was jealous. He wasn't snoring or anything, but it was hilarious nonetheless.

My Get a Life Award....

of the week goes to the Attorney General of New Jersey for their filing of suit against Blockbuster Video regarding their no late fee policy. Isn't there something better to do in New Jersey like busting the Soprano's for organized crime. While their decision to use this policy is probably not sound in the parameters of a supply/demand customer service position, it's certainly not worth suing over... Come on now; use the tax payers money somewhere useful.

http://abcnews.go.com/Business/wireStory?id=513299

Babysitting vs. Spending Quality Time with your Kids

To the moron who told me he couldn't do something because he had to babysit his kids this weekend. Hello, when it's your own kids, it's spending quality time with them, not babysitting. You better learn the fucking difference quickly. Someday you'll be old and drooling and they might want not to come and babysit your sorry ass!

Termination Policy

I love hearing about the crazy ways that companies treat their employees. Here's a good one...

A friend of mine works for a large well known company that employs an interesting tactic when firing their employees. On the employee's last day, the unfortunate soul gets a call to come and pick up a fax that has just arrived. While the employee is away from their desk, someone sneaks into their office/cubicle and deactivates their phone and computer. When the employee returns from getting their fax, they suddenly realize that they have been locked out. Moments later, someone from HR shows up to escort them from the building. Nice huh!

It's a running joke there that if someone calls you about a fax, either don't go pick it up or start packing your bags.

A Good Blow Job....

can serve so many uses. There are numerous situations that can either be resolved or at least improved by a good blow job. It can serve as both a gift and an apology. It can lift ones spirits. Very little bad can come from one.

Just lost your job....I bet a good blow job would brighten your day.
Crash your boyfriend's car....he'll feel better about it.
Birthday present, anniversary gift, get well card, you name it, it works.
Dead pet, again blow job!
Ladies, blow job equals jewelery!

It's a win, win situation!

The Freak Show Continues

I am guessing that this Metra Freak Show thing is going to end up being a regular entry for the site. It's just a bevy of material.

Yesterday's ride home was quite a treat. Dog Girl and the person I will from now on refer to as Kermit had a heated discussion about where the best place to buy meat is. I'm not kidding. This utter nonsense went on for like 20 minutes. Kermit is a semi-regular character on the train. He's one of those people that are as dumb as a block of wood, yet have somehow deluded themselves into thinking they're a brain surgeon. Listening to anything that comes out of his mouth is pure drudgery and unfortunately a great deal comes out of his mouth. On top of it all, he talks with a loud annoying voice similiar to Kermit the Frog's hence the nickname. I know you're wondering...Antioch Meat Packing was crowned the winner. At least Kermit certainly rang its praises. Note: Dog Girl did manage to get in at least 3 references of her furry friends during the conversation.

Then Dog Girl left (usually a good thing) and the conversation really got going. Kermit started talking to New Hot Girl and Big Italian Guy. New Hot Girl is a recent addition to the train. And while somewhat good looking, I am finding out also very stupid. Anyway, Big Italian guy (longtime character on the train) is apparently dating a stripper. And New Hot Girl supposedly worked as a bartender at a strip club. I wanted to tell her that spinning around a pole with a beer bottle stuck between your tits is not technically bartending, but chose to remain silent on that one. Anyway, for 10 minutes they debated the merits of working in a strip club and about how wonderful it is to take your clothes off for a living. Unfortunately, my stop came and I had to leave. I was hoping that New Hot Girl would show us all some of her bartending skills.

Oh yeah, one thing I forgot to mention. All during this time, Kermit has a bag of potato chips, Ruffles I think, that he is allowing random people (some obviously total strangers) to reach into and eat out of. I think I read that one in four people doesn't wash their hands when they go to the bathroom. There were like a dozen people with their hands in that bag. You do the math. I'm sorry, I'm all for the closeness of public transportation, but I have to draw the line at the hand sharing of food with my fellow passengers.

True Story

I know the following plays out like a joke, but it's a true life unedited conversation between my kids and their grandfather...

My kids are walking down by the lake with their grandfather. My daughter, who is nine, sees two ducks walking side by side on the shore. Being a precocious nine year old, she notices that both the ducks are male mallards. So, she looks at my father-in-law and says, "Papa do you think those ducks are gay?" My father-in-law, dumbfounded, says "Well, I don't really know." My son who is six without missing a beat says, "I don't think they're gay; they're probably out looking for hotties!"

True Story!

Work Story

I told you there'd be more stories from work. Get this one. One of our leased vehicle drivers is involved in an accident. This is a man in his forties who is in charge of overseeing a fairly large portion of sales for our company. When he reports the accident, he doesn't exactly understand the insurance portion of it. So, he asks if it's okay if he puts him mom on the phone because she handles that for him. I bet she also does his laundry.

Tip of the Week

A friend told me this one. A Gummi Life Saver can be used as a nipple shield a al Janet Jackson. They stretch just enough to put them on. Not only colorful, but tasty as well.

The Metra is a Freak Show!

The Metra never disappoints; the place is an honest to goodness freak show. There's always some sort of entertainment to be had there. A never ending who's who of freaks and geeks.

My favorite character of late is "dog girl". I call her this not because she's ugly (she is by the way), but due to the fact that she cannot stop talking about her fucking dog. Each day for the entire ride home you get to hear another day in the life of "dog girl". Apparently, this woman's entire existence revolves around her canine companion. I guess it's sad that I actually listen. However, in my own defense, she talks so loud it's really hard to avoid it. She also mentions a man in her life. I am truly sorry for him. Well I guess everyone has their day.

There will certainly be more to come from the ride on the Metra. Please stay tuned.

http://www.metrarail.com

You think you've heard it all....

In my job, I get to hear some really crazy requests. Here are a couple that top the list....

• One employee asked that we edit the Muzak to eliminate any Disney songs, because she was sick of listening to them at home.
• Another employee asked that she be refunded the quarter she had just lost in the tampon machine.
• An executive asked if someone could run to his condo and replace his air conditioning filters.
• Another executive was bewildered as to why the corporate travel agents couldn't book his entire family (children and grandchildren) on a Caribbean cruise.
• The topper though was the person who wanted someone to do a "dumpster dive" to find a card that was misplaced when throwing out some personal flowers.

It's about time....

I've been talking about doing something like this for awhile. Finally, I took the time. Of course it's pretty sad that one, I come to find out it's free and two it took me all of about 15 minutes to get this set up.

Anyway, I am going to try and make regular posts. Mostly, I hope to share some of the humor that I find in everyday life. When that fails, I'll try to keep things interesting by sharing some of the stories from my past lives. I think both will be interesting.

Hope you enjoy! If not, the internet is a big place, I am sure you can find some other drivel elsewhere.

Note: I will do everything I can to conceal the identities of the innocent. Come on, none of you are actually that innocent are you? Well, as I said, I'll do my best.