The Carrotpenis Matriarch

I received an email from my mother this morning and it got me thinking about a hilarious story about her. My mother is slightly eccentric, carefree and will talk to anyone that will listen. She also isn't about to be contrained by what society feels is normal. When I was a selfconcious 14 year old, this was an utter nightmare. As I grew a bit older, maybe 8 or 10 years later, I started to realize that that things she does are just downright hilarious.

In college, I had been dating a girl for about two weeks. Dating is probably an overstatement. We were "new special friends", how's that. Not quite girlfriend/boyfriend but definite beyond the friends stage. Anyway, even though the relationship was new, this girl agreed to drive me home to my parent's house for the weekend. I know, you first thought was, "What the hell is he thinking?" But if you've ever met Pat and Andy Carrotpenis, you certainly know this is not a big deal at all.

As we arrive in my parent's neighborhood after the three hour drive, I notice my dad driving away from our house towards an area where there are very few destinations. I tell my special friend to follow him. Mind you, this is about 11:00 in the morning on a Saturday. We follow my dad for about two miles until he turns right into the parking lot of a local watering hole, The Hideaway. Now, stopping off for a drink at the Hideaway was certainly not out of the question for my dad, but early Saturday morning typically wasn't a time he would do it.

This girl and I pull up next to my dad's truck in the parking lot and get out. We do the usual hellos and introductions. And then I get to the important question of why is dad hitting the sauce so early on a Saturday. His response is that he's here to pick up my mother.

Now, my mother hardly ever drank when we we're growing up. Maybe a glass of wine at a wedding, but not usually any more than that. But not 10 feet away is my mother just shit faced at 11 o'clock on a Saturday morning. To top it off she is wearing a pair of tap shoes and is flailing her arms about trying to put together some sort of a dance combination with three of her equally drunk girlfriends watching. Apparently, mother left early that morning with the girls to do a bit of garage saleing. Which is where she picked up that fine pair of tap shoes for 50 cents. When things slowed down on the garage sale circuit, they decided to catch some brunch and a tasty beverage at the Hideaway. A couple, two, three beers later and things started to turn ugly. Well I thought the whole thing was extremely amusing and thankfully the girl with me had a good sense of humor. In fact, it is one of my most memorable visits home from college.

I love to whip this one out when mom tosses about an embarrassing story from my youth. It usually calms her right down.