Stupid Suggestion Box Entries

If you've been reading for awhile, you probably know that facility management is one of the many areas that falls under my job description. As part of it, I am responsible for coming up with answers to suggestions that people put in the Company Suggestion Box. For obvious reasons, my responses must be carefully worded so as not to offend the suggesting parties even when their suggestions are outright inane. In this venue though, I don't need to be so tactful.

Suggestion #1-

This one needs a little background information. About two weeks ago, we installed these motion sensors in all of our bathrooms so that the we weren't wasting electricity by having the lights on all day.

A couple days later this comes through the Suggestion Box...It is nice to know that we are saving resources with the implementation of sensor switches in the bathrooms but would it be possible to extend the timeout period? It's not much fun finding yourself in the dark with your pants down.

My unofficial responses...As the light sensors are already set at a 30 minute time out period, I think that rather than concerning yourself with their operation you might want to spend some time looking for a good Gastroenterologist. Because if it takes you more than 30 minutes to take a shit, there is something seriously wrong with your insides. Now if you are taking care of other business in there like "Taming the Porpise or "Rubbing One Out", a good Urologist or Sex Therapist may be in order. Thanks for your inquiry.

Suggestion #2-

i know we have quite a few different things in the kitchen now, but Crystal Light has come out with these awesome packets called "on the go" packets. they would be great for people who arent really coffee or tea drinkers. 0 fat, carbs, sugar and sodium and only 5 calories. they are individual packets. they taste awesome, come in a bunch of different flavors and would add something different to the selection. please consider?

My unofficial response...Dear Submitter, of course I'll just run out to the store and get you those. I bet you'll also need a bottle of water to put it in too. These will will be implemented right after "Free Filet Mignon Thursdays" Come on people, this isn't your fucking house here; we can't get you every whim you desire. If that we're the case, I'd be making a whole lot more money and wouldn't be dealing with idiot people with you. Drink your Starbucks Coffee and Tazo Tea just like everyone else and shut up.

As more of these come through, I'll be sure to share them with you. Everyone have a Happy Father's Day and a really great weekend.