Great T-Shirt!

I was riding on the train this morning alone with my own thoughts when this older gentleman enters my car through the vestibule. He's probably 75 years old, slightly unshaven with hair going every whichway and a mad professor look about him. Well he's wearing this t-shirt that says, "I'm Huge in Europe!"; I had a great laugh from that one.

Happy Memorial Day!

Our office is closed for the day and I have a ton of shit to get done around the house. So, this is probably it for me for the weekend on the blog. Everyone have a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend. My best to those out there who this weekend is all about, our Armed Forces. Thanks for keeping us safe.

Please drink and be merry! I will. But always make good decisions about drinking too much and then driving.

What Bullshit!

Yesterday, I make the decision that this is probably a good opportunity to go and get a hair cut over the lunch hour. This decision was initiated by the fact that "Hot Compliance Girl" took a look at my hair and then made a funny face in coffee station. When I went to the bathroom I noticed that the humidity was starting to make my hair look like a "Freddie Boom Boom Washington" Afro. Hence, it was time.

Well I make quick call to the barber I have been going to forever to see if my main man Serge is available. Before you get a mental image of Bronson Pinchot's swishy Serge character from Beverly Hills Cop, let me quickly dispel that one. (Side note: I had to do a Google search for "Perfect Strangers" to jog my memory on Pinchot's name and boy are there a ton of losers still out there worshiping that piece of shit television show.) Serge is a huge Russian guy that reeks of cheap cologne and organized crime. He's a man's barber that still uses hot shave cream and a straight razor to shave your neck. Damn, he gave a great haircut.

Anyway, some jackass on the phone tells me that Serge quit working there 8 weeks ago. My first thought is I can't believe it's been 8 weeks since my last haircut. No wonder my hair is starting to resemble a Q-Tip. Then I think, what is this bullshit? This guy has been pretty much the only person to cut my hair for 8 years and I don't get a courtesy call to let me know he's leaving and where he will be cutting hair next. Apparently, at a barber you don't get that touchy feely service like you do from a stylist. When a stylist leaves a salon she contacts everyone, steals as many current customers as she can from her current salon, and takes them with her to the new salon across town where she's working. Well maybe I'm being a bit selfish here. Possibly, Serge left for a more lucrative career elsewhere and there wasn't an opportunity to do those courtesy calls.

That said, I had to go to another Barber Shop yesterday where some boob named Tom cut my hair and it cost 25% more than the old place. I'm still so out of kilter from the whole ordeal that I haven't really checked out the work he did. You don't really know how it looks until after the first wash. Regardless, I can already tell it's not as good. And I think he used a disposable Bic to shave the back of my neck. I may need to continue my search for a new place to go.

Ah, the Train!

At last after what seems like an eternity of driving (it was actually only about 3 weeks and one of those I was on a business trip), I got to take the train today. Good ole reliable Metra, you just can't beat it. Sure it's a total freak show. Today some jackass was sitting in a 4 seater with his shoes off and his disgusting holey socks up on the seat where my head would be if I was sitting there. Ewww! And the trains could be cleaner cause there's nothing like a good jerry curl splotch on the window next to your face to get the day going. But the simple fact that I can sit in relative comfort contemplating anything I choose in a fairly stress free environment totally makes up for it. I even came to work in a good mood today; what will people start to think.

Secret Lover Greeting Cards?

I was listening to Eric and Cathy on www.wtmx.com on the hellacious drive this morning (see previous post) and they were having a hilarious conversation about a new line of greeting cards coming out. Apparently, some greeting card designer feels that the cheating lover demographic is a untapped market for greeting cards. So, they've come up with a line of cards called Secret Lover" greeting cards. This is a line of cards that people who are in a extramarital affair can give to their mistress or mister (is that was you call them?) for special occasions. Is there really a need for these? I would think that cheaters would be trying to limit the paper trail as much as possible. And who in their right mind would saunter up to the counter at the Hallmark store and buy one?

A caller who suggested that they should have "Friend with privileges" thank you cards also got me thinking. [Aside question: Where the fuck were these friends with privileges when I was growing up? That would have been a really nice deal.] Maybe there are other untapped greeting card markets out there. How about for homosexuals? I'm betting a "We are all happy you finally faced reality and came out of the closet!" card would be a big hit. Or along the lines of the Secret Lover card, I think a "You're a cheating bitch/asshole and we're getting a divorce!" card could be a great way to let that special someone know how you feel. Or for the pet lovers out there how about "If you get another fucking cat, people are going to start thinking you're nuts!" card. Let me know if you can think of any others.

Traffic Sucks!!!

Can anyone explain to me what the fuck is going on with the traffic from the northern suburbs of Chicago as of late. It it totally insane this week. Normally, Mondays are the worst day to drive to work and the best day to drive home. Fridays are the exact opposite, best day to drive to work and worst day to drive in. So far this week it's been like the worst of both. I can't stand it. The drive has taken me over an hour each way (only 25 miles mind you) and for no explainable reason. I'm starting to sympathize with Michael Douglas' character in "Falling Down". Metra take me away.

Great Video!

I found this hilarious video of British soldiers in Iraq doing a lipsync to "Is this the Road to Amarillo?" on Terry's blog. Nice to see the troops are making the best of a very stressful situation.

Here the link to the video.... http://www.putfile.com/media.php?n=way_to_armadillo.

Terry, thanks for the laugh.

100 Things About Me!

For awhile I've been putting off putting up a 100 Things About Me list, because I thought they were sort of queer (for clarification in an stupid way, not in a gay way). Then I realized I was addicted to reading them on other blogs so I thought I'd give one a shot.

1. I am married.
2. I have two kids.
3. The Girl is almost ten.
4. The Boy is almost seven.
5. Boy am I getting fucking old.
6. We have a dog that annoys the shit out of me.
7. But I like our cat even less.
8. We live in a suburb north of Chicago.
9. I am rapidly going gray.
10. I blame it on 1-7.
11. I'd like to lose 10 pounds
12. Okay, 20 pounds
13. I normally drink straight liquor on the rocks.
14. Scotch used to be my favorite.
15. But now I like Bourbon
16. Basil Hayden's is my preference of late.
17. My eyes are a bright blue color.
18. I am addicted to my Blackberry and ofter refer to is as the Crackberry.
19. If I am watching TV, everything else in the room ceases to exist.
20. It drives my wife nuts.
21. I attended Penn State University, but did not graduate from there.
22. I tell people that I honed my social skills while I was there.
23. I love Penn State Football.
24. And I think that Joe Paterno can die on the field if he wants to.
25. I was in a fraternity.
26. I learned a lot of good things there.
27. And learned a lot from the the bad things.
28. I have a tatoo on my ankle.
29. My left ear looks like it's pierced.
30. But I haven't had an earring in it for over 10 years.
31. I have very few friends I consider close.
32. Yet, I have many casual friends.
33. I finished up my degree going to night school at Domican University in River Forest, IL.
34. I like power boating.
35. And go wakeboarding whenever I can.
36. I think belly button piercings are hot.
37. I think nose piercings are even hotter.
38. I see nothing wrong with a woman's nipples poking through her shirt.
39. In fact, I like it.
40. I am very organized at work.
41. But very disorganized at home.
42. This too, drives my wife crazy.
43. I prefer to take the train to work.
44. I detest driving there.
45. I am much crabbier at home and work if I am driving.
46. I am very intolerant of stupid people.
47. I have a hard time not lettting them know this.
48. I deal with a lot of stupid people at work; you do the math.
49. I am embarrassed for women that take their clothes off for a living.
50. I excel at games where you can hold a beer in your hand while playing.
51. Quoits is my best.
52. Darts and shuffleboard are a close second.
53. I believe in God.
54. But hate when other people try to get me to believe in theirs.
55. People that don't know me can think that I am conceited.
56. That's mostly not true.
57. I procrastinate whenever possible.
58. I've discovered that in corporate America this isn't always a bad thing.
59. Corn Nuts give me horrible gas.
60. I am forbidden to eat them.
61. I grew up in a really small town in New Jersey.
62. I worked as a bartender at three different Chi-Chi's restaurants.
63. Working in restaurants prepared me to work in corporate America a lot more than I thought.
64. I can hold a conversation with just about anyone on any subject for at least a few minutes.
65. I am pretty good at crossword puzzles.
66. And can play a mean game of Trivial Pursuit
67. I attribute all three to reading anything I could lay my hands on as a child
68. I am horrible dancer with little to no rhythm.
69. When I go out with my friends, my wife instructs them not to let me dance under penalty of death.
70. The point where I will do karaoke and the point where I will pass out from drinking are roughly the same.
71. I love going to Wrigley to watch the Cubs.
72. Regardless of how bad they are.
73. I enjoy watching movies.
74. But rarely go to see them at the theatre.
75. I have an unexplainable hatred for Celine Dion.
76. Just looking at her makes my skin crawl.
77. I quit smoking a few years ago.
78. But still love to catch one on the sly once in awhile.
79. I make concrete judgements about people a few seconds after I meet someone.
80. I am rarely wrong about them.
81. I think that Tivo is a fantastic invention.
82. I rarely watch live TV now.
83. This saves me hours and hours of time each week.
84. I like to read novels.
85. But only do so sporadically.
86. Right now, I prefer books about business.
87. My wife and I met at Penn State.
88. At a bar called Zeno's.
89. My original date for the evening spilled beer on her.
90. We tell our kids it was a restaurant and there's no mention of a beer spill in our story.
91. It sounds much more romantic that way.
92. I have a very sarcastic sense of humor.
93. Not everyone appreciates it.
94. I don't care all that much.
95. I enjoy traveling for both work and pleasure.
96. But rarely do either.
97. I love spending time with my kids.
98. But often need to go back to work to rest from it.
99. My last name sounds like Carrotpenis!
100. I used to hate it but now I think it's kinda funny.

The Airport: An Untapped Dating Resource

Well yesterday, I parked my ass at the Pittsburgh airport for 5 hours while my flight was delayed so they could change a bad tire. Apparently, you can't just run to the local K-Mart and pick up an airplane tire, go figure. Oh well, since I am all for airline safety, I tried to make the best of it and spent a good bit of my time doing one of my favorite things, people watching.

Has anyone notice that there a ton of hot looking people at the airport. Evidently, good looking people like to fly on airplanes. And not only were there hot looking women, but being fairly confident in my own sexuality, I will go as far to say that there were good looking men as well. I am starting to think this my be an uptapped dating resource.

Screw on-line dating; how does this sound. Once every few months, you purchase a fully refundable airline ticket on your credit card for an evening flight. Then you ditch the day off from work (hell you could even do it on a weekend) and hit the airport at around 7:30 am when the morning rush starts. Get yourself a boarding pass from the airline, go through security and bam you are in the worlds biggest singles bar. You can just wander from gate to gate looking for potential dates. There are flights coming and going all the time so that increases the variety. If they are well dressed and flying, you can generally assume they probably have a job. You have to guess that 50% of the people flying out are from where you live. And since you know where their flight is going, you have an instant in for at least an initial conversation. On top of that there are coffee shops, restaurants and bars if things go well. After a day of trolling the airport, you can just cancel your flight with the airline and get your money refunded to the credit card at no major expense to you.

I'm thinking that this could work equally as well for men and women. You could do it alone or in groups too. Airport security even adds an added safety layer that doesn't exist in most places you look for dates. Someone please put my theory to test and let me know how it works.

Bathroom Break

I am staying at a really nice hotel in Pittsburgh for my meeting. Yesterday, I sprinted up to my hotel room during a break for a few minutes to take a drop off my bags and go to the washroom. Only after I am standing in the bathroom relieving myself do I notice that there is a huge window with the blinds wide open across the room from me. Worse yet, I can see people in the windows across the courtyard looking over at me. I am such a dumbass.

Out of the Office

I am out of the office on a business trip to Pittsburgh for the next two days. In fact, I am sitting in a very boring meeting writing this on my Crackberry right now. So, posting may be a bit spotty for the next few days. Please bear with me.

Crisis Averted

I was relieved to wake up this morning and find that I had EMHOFNAR (early morning hard-on for no apparent reason) with all the equipment in normal size and proportion. So, apparently I'm back and ready for action. Now, I just need to find some.

Shrinkage!

Yesterday, I had the had the unfortunate opportunity to assist my father-in-law with putting his shore station and boat in the water. Usually, helping him out with these tasks is no great shakes. Especially, because he let's us use the boat to go waterskiing and wakeboarding whenever we want and never asks us to pay for gas. However, the unfortunate part of yesterday was that it was really fucking cold. The air temperature was right around 50 degrees plus it was windy. I'd guess that the water temp was probably in the low 40's. Putting the shore station into the dock slip involve submerging yourself into water up to your chest for about 20 minutes. My legs were numb after about 3 minutes.

Needless to say, "The Boys" and another closely related appendage were none too happy about the whole situation and there was a certain amount of shrinkage. Even after two hot showers and about 20 hours of recovery time, they still don't appear to be too pleased about the foolishness I put them through yesterday. Do you think it's possible to permanently shrink them? Now while I've never had any major complaints about the size of the equipment, I certainly don't need it going in a negative direction. If this could be permanent, I'm starting to already figure out a way to get this condition counted as a worker's compensation claim. You could get a penis enlargement for something caused at the workplace, couldn't you? Maybe some errant microwaving in the coffee station could cause them to get smaller? Or perhap that new color copier throws off some weird type of radiation. I may have gotten too close once or twice.

Softball Season

I don't think that I've mentioned this yet but I am playing on a 14" co-ed recreational corporate softball league. For those of you not from Chicago, normal softball is played with a fairly hard 12" ball. In the Chicago area, they also play two other versions. There's 16" where you play with a much larger mushy ball and no one wears a glove. And the league that I am playing in that uses a slightly less mushy 14" ball where the women get to wear gloves and and guys don't. It's a lot of fun and there's always drinks afterwards. I'm hoping that softball antics will be a regular part of the blog once things get rolling and the weather gets nicer. It was in the 40's for our second game of the season, burr!

Well we just had our second game of the season last night and things are not looking good. We lost 11-12 to a team with only 8 players; you can and we did play 10. How the fuck can you lose to a team only playing two people in the outfield is just beyond me. I guess when just about everybody gets hurt in one way or another and you make countless errors on defense anything's possible. Lesson to team, you're not 18 anymore, make sure you stretch before the game.

Oh yeah, Asshole Lawyer and Rooster, thanks for showing up and being team players. Rooster, I'm sorry but Bulimia is not an excuse to leave work sick. Just purge your lunch and move on. Asshole Lawyer, I hope that you enjoyed spending that one night this week with your family.

Fashion Tip: Shawls

Here's another little fashion tip for you overweight ladies. Please do not fall victim to the fashion trend of wearing a shawl-like garment draped over your shoulder. One of two things will happen. First the shawl will probably be too small to cover your gigantic ass. If this is the case, you will look like you forgot to remove your fancy napkin from your big evening of gorging yourself on lobster tails at the all-you-can-eat see food buffet. Not good. Or even worse you find enough fabric to make one to cover yourself. In this case it looks more like a boat sail than a shawl and people may start asking you when the America's Cup is starting. Either way, just don't go there.

Next time on Fashion Tip: Something from some of my own experiences; why overweight men shouldn't wear rugby shirts!

Il Divo

Has anyone caught the new boy band group that asshole Simon Cowell is promoting. They are called Il Divo and look like an Italian Menudo. I think they may be singing "Whip It!" in Latin.

I've Been Accepted!

Well it's official; I've been accepted. No, it's not graduate school, even better, internet driving school. My mom and dad would be so proud. This is almost as good as getting accepted to college the first time. Mom, if you're reading, don't bother with a material gift this time. Cash is a perfectly acceptable gift for acceptance into internet driving school.

In order for me to get my speeding ticket expunged from my record, I need to go take a safe driver class. There were two options for the driving class. Either you could go to a three hour instructor lead class or you could apply to take the course on-line. Apparently, there's some criteria for being accepted into the on-line program. Does anyone know what they base their acceptance decisions on? Perhaps it was sharp wit and good looks; that could explain how I got in. Well regardless, all I know is that, I don't have to sit in a room with 25 other speeding idiots for three hours while some jacked up cop explains the evils of speeding to me. Now I can sit in the privacy of my own office, pretend I'm working (I know, what's new) and attend on-line driver training. Yeah!

Wrigley Pictures: Oh My Head!

Wrigley Pictures: Oh My Head!

As I mentioned on Friday, I took the day off from work to go down to the Cubs game. A vendor I use rents a skybox and hires a bus to drive a bunch of us down there. If you haven't been watching the news, the Cubs lost in fine fashion. Regardless, we had an awesome time. Here are some random pictures.

This first one is from the bus. Jose just consumed 8 beers in 90 minutes and is starting to feel their effects.

Wrigley Pictures: View From Murphy's

Wrigley Pictures: View From Murphy's

Here's a picture I snapped while we we're having some beverages at Murphy's before the game. I noticed that the weather is directly proportional to the number of hot girls at the game. It was quite the sword fight so you can guess what the weather was like.

Wrigley Pictures: Coin Flip!

Wrigley Pictures: Coin Flip!

This is a hot girl that we saw from the skybox. It looks to me like a coin flip is going to decide whether or not this guy get's any action or not.

Wrigley Pictures: Anything to Touch Boobies!

Anything to Touch Boobies!

The girl in black was another that stood out in the crowd. However, this picture of her dork boyfriend holding her hair is just priceless. It goes to show you that men will do anything to touch big boobies.

Wrigley Pictures: The Ride Home!

The Ride Home!

To round out an otherwise great day, we drank Knob Creek on the bus home and played Ship, Captain and Crew. I alas was not the big winner. Maybe next time.

Go Cubbies!

I took the day off from work today to go to the Cubs game. This will be my first game of the year. The weather looks a bit touch and go right now, but our seats are in a skybox so no worries there. We should also have about an hour and half before the game to hit the bars. I must remember that beer is my friend and to stay away from mixed drinks and shots if at all possible. I'll probably be at Murphy's if anyone's looking for me. I'm also taking the digital with me. So, hopefully there will be some pictures later on tonight. Go Cubbies!

Fashion Mysteries

I am hoping that my readers can provide some insight to some of these fashion mysteries...

1.) Why must a woman make a pouty face when applying makeup? Not just lipstick either.

2.) Why "go ugly" all day then apply makeup on the train, just in time to see your husband?

3.) Why do "large" women wear belly shirts and/or spandex pants?

4.) Or for that matter, why do "skinny" women wear baggy clothes.

4.) Why do people continue to "chunk" (color in stripes) their hair?

They just escape me!

P.S Thanks Rooster!

You Look Like an Idiot!

Here's a quick tip...If you have the opportunity to be on television and you're not like five years old, do not talk on your cell phone and wave to the camera. "Can ya see me Ma, Can ya see me Ma, I'm right here on the telly, I'm right here!" You look like a fucking idiot! This goes especially for those of you sitting behind home plate a baseball game. Knock it off!

Blackberry Jesus!

With all the recent hoopla around the Water Stain Virgin Mary, I felt is was time to bring my religious miracle to light. This morning when I woke, as is par for the course, I immediately went and prayed to god of the Crackberry to see if any important messages had appeared while I was sleeping. When I picked it up, I immediately noticed something was different. There is a picture below to show you what I am talking about. If I am correct, I believe that this could be of enoromous religious signifigance.

An image of Jesus Christ has appeared on the back of my Blackberry. Now I realize it's a bit hard to make out and some of you might be skeptical to it's authenticity, but I am positive it is real. After all, if half of Chicago can think that some water running down the side of an overpass looks like the Virgin Mary, then it's certainly possibly that Jesus has chosen to show himself on the outside of my Blackberry.

For obvious reason, I will be keeping the artifact under lock and key from now on.



Blackberry Jesus

My Performance Review

You'll have to be patient with me the next day or so regarding the regularity of posting. I am writing my own performance review and need to focus on that until it's completed. Don't worry, my boss writes one too. He just has us write our own to make sure we are both on the same page. I am calling it "Walks on Water Vol. IV". While you try to honestly evaluate your situation, you certainly limit your weaknesses to only those that you think are glaringly obvious and then carefully word those as developmental needs or spin them to see like positives.

For instance, though this is probably close to the truth, I am not going to write it in my performance review. Carrotpenis is a horrible procrastinator that gets a thrill from seeing how close he push a deadline and still get his work done. He is also extremely intolerant of stupid people and will do anything he can to avoid working with them.

Instead it will probably read something like this. Carrotpenis does what it takes to meet important deadlines; works well under pressure. He's exhibits a team player attitude and treats other equally when working with them. Carrotpenis must continue to expand his role by working on projects with others outside his normal area of expertise. Doesn't that sound much nicer.

See it's all about spin.