I'm Going Blind!

I found this one on Tits & Toast and had a good a laugh about it. I also like the one that says "Everytime you masturbate a kitten dies!" I always feel sorry for all the kittens out there. Ha! Happy Almost Friday!

We Want the Lion!!!!

We Want the Lion!!! We Want the Lion!!!

For those of you who don't know, I did about a 6 year stint of what I like to call "honing my social skills!" at Penn State University in State College, PA. While I've certainly done a lot of growing up since then, I certainly did a lot when I was there.

In August, The Wife, The Girl, The Boy and I are all driving out to State College for the weekend. One of my fraternity brothers who lives there is having a blow out 10th anniversary party complete with J.R. Mangan playing on his back patio. It will be the first time that I've been there for any extended period of time since I left in May of 1995 to move out here to the northern burbs of Chicago. Over the past week, I have been finalizing plans for our trip out there. Then out of the blue today someone sent me one of those emails that starts with "You know you went to Penn State if...." Since I am feeling a bit nostalgic, here it is. I went through and added a few more to the list and have highlighted the ones that applied to me.

You know you went to Penn State if...

You've had a pony at the Skellar. (How about a whole case of ponies!)

You were attacked by a squirrel. I once saw one run up a girls back and then right down her arm to take an acorn that she was trying to feed to other squirrels. Fucking hilarious!

You've wondered why the heck anyone sits in the front row of class in the Forum building.

You tried to find a way into the tunnel system.

You've had your car towed away by Tennis' or Walk's.

You're ok with no name being on your jersey.

You were sure that Sharon or Deb had a crush on you.

You start to hold your breath before the drum major even starts running out for the flip.

You've been involved in a soda cup brawl with 10,000 of your closest friends.

You were half frozen after walking across Parking Lot 80 on the way to class from East Halls.

Someone tells you they lived on Beaver for three years and you don't think that's odd.

You long for your neighbors to come by chanting "tits on glass".

Every once in a while you just crave a Chicken Cosmo (and you know what it is).

You've ever had a Tonto's Demise, Original Sin, Cherry Bombs, or an El Nino.

You know what a monkey boy is.

You've called for a taxi and a 1984 Chevy Nova pulls up.

You've participated in THON.

When someone says "Teas" only one particular type of beverage comes to your mind and Lipton doesn't make it.

You've enjoyed the fine cuisine that was Cluck U Chicken.

You don't know the goddamn words.

You passed more than one class using Nittany Notes.

You know how to "penny lock" someone inside a room.

You've debated the validity and proper use of the terms "soda" and "pop" as well as "gum band" and "rubber band."

You've wanted, and gotten, the Lion.

You've enjoyed burritos as big as your head.

You participated in turning a yearly cultural and artistic event into an event synonymous with partying.

Sleeping through fire alarms is not so much a decision as it is a practice.

Being drunk at 2 pm at Cafe 210 is not sad but rather an honor and a privilege.

You've had to dodge an OPP van that's driving on the sidewalk.

You think of Calder Way as your personal outdoor toilet.

You're sure Velveeta and Green Eggs and Spam are almost big time.

You've ever taken the Loop to class.

You've ever been late to class because of the mass of freshmen that got on the Loop at East Halls, only to get off one stop later.

You're going to hell, because according to Gary the Willard Preacher, everyone at Penn State is going to hell.

You've ever wondered if the Willard Preacher knew something that you didn't.

You've decided the Willard Preacher was half nuts.

You still have uncountable and unpaid parking tickets from campus that you got because you were too lazy to walk.

You remember Uncle Chens General Tso's chicken.

You can call 867-5309, and actually have someone pick up on the other end.

You still have your IM Jerseys and occasionally wear them proudly.

You own a piece of Penn State clothing...for every day of the week...or month.

If you want to scream Hey! and clap your hands everytime you hear a cowbell.

You know what the hell "the Stacks" are.

You've ever laughed when a friend at another school told you that they couldn't imagine a better college experience.

You've drank Captain and Cokes out of a pitcher on Tuesday nights.

You've been to Movin' On.

Scheduled your courses in Spring so you could spend Friday afternoons sitting outside at the Cafe.

You had a Grad student teaching you a really hard Physics class named Bang Yi Yang and his first statement was "I not speak velly good englis".

Fast Break was not just a basketball term.

It seems odd for McDonald's to be busier at 6pm than at 3am.

Sideshow Bob was not just a Simpson's character.

You've been to Table Wars and seen the Phyrst Family.

Asking for "a Lager" can only be taken one way.

There's nothing odd about sitting in the balcony of the auditorium for class...or falling asleep there.

Still think the G-Man has the best wings you've ever had.

Think College Pizza is the best drunk food ever.

Grilled Sticky is part of your personal lexicon.

You know somebody who has either humped or urinated on that metal pig downtown.

You thought it was perfectly normal to sleep on the floor of The HUB Fishbowl in between classes.

You become outraged to find anyone charge more than a buck for a slice of pizza.

You say the name "Joe" and no last name is required.

Think Natural Light or Beast isn't actually that bad.

Know where country roads really take you home to.

You would go back and do it all over again!

Here are my additions....

You knew the $1 pitcher and 10 cent wing schedule by heart in order to conserve money.

You sold your books back before the end of the sememster to go to $1 pitcher and 10 cent wing night.

You know what it means to jump over the fence at the Lion's Den.

You saw Rusted Root at a fraternity party.

You've stopped at the bank on Friday to pick up a button.

You had to pick up a keg on Tuesday for a Wednesday night party.

You've drank Green Shit or Red Shit.

You've had Unidogs at 2:15am and thought they tasted good.

You've passed out after Friday Happies at the G-Man, but got up just in time for the fraternity parties to start.

You've slipped and fell on the tile floor at the Saloon.

You've gone to the Lion Shrine at 3am just for fun.

You've been asked to leave McClanahans for being drunk in the afternoon.

You've been to Beaver Stadium at night when no one was there or better yet had sex on the 50 yard line.

You've eaten gold fish at the Pink Elephant or had a beer at Taco Bell.

You thought that going out for half price drinks on Sunday night was perfectly acceptable.

If you can think of any others to add leave me a comment. Or if you want me to clarify any of them, I'd be happy to do so. Let's Go State!

Live from the Metra

Twice this week already, there has been no bar car on the train ride home. First of all, WTF is up with that? I can't imagine that the bar car breaks; there's really nothing to break. Or that they ever clean that rolling health department violation. So, where the hell does it go?

Well the lack of the bar car, forces me to look like an even bigger alcoholic than I already do since I'm probably one of the only people on the train who has brought their own cup, ice and vodka with them. Well at least I had a cocktail (or three) while the rest of the losers were dry for the evening ride home. Ha!

Yesterday, Fat Religious Guy was sitting in the same car as the Mick and I sans the his hot foreign cult members. He was sweating profusely even though the train car was very cool. I was afraid he was going pick that day to take his big heart attack digger. Mostly because I was in a hurry to get home last night. Luckily, it appears his body was just trying to get rid of some of the extra Mountain Dew in his system; because his big sweaty ass got up and lumbered off the train at the stop before mine.

The Rooster hasn't been around too much on the train with The Mick and me. She prefers to ride with the geriatric alcoholics one train earlier than ours. Apparently, The Mick and I staring at her boobs isn't enough for her. She demands more attention that that and the dozen or so lecherous "Sugar Daddies" do it for her. Oh, the free wine on Thursdays and free vodka on Fridays probably have something to do with it as well. Have I mentioned that The Rooster could probably beat my ass in a fight? Cock a doodle Do!

Just my luck this morning, I was running late for work. Then The Wife's crappy SUV with no AC had a very low tire when I went out the jump in it this morning. This meant I had to run to the Pakistani run gas station by my house to get air in the tire making me miss the direct train to the office. I then had to take two trains to get to work. To make matters worse, while I was at the transfer station waiting for the second train which was also late, the Senior VP called me on my cell phone to find out if I could come to his office for a conference call. I may play the lottery later, because apparently I am due.

Well I better run. My office is starting to look like a bomb went off.

It's Like Africa Hot!

The Boy and I spent Father's day on a Fun with Son weekend camping with the Cub Scouts at Camp Okarro in Wadsworth, IL. Here are some random highlights and observations from the excursion.

• First off it was really fucking hot, like Africa hot. And as luck would have it, Camp Okarro has zero places to cool off in the water unless you count the slime covered mosquito infested Lake Skippy. The Boy and I literally sweated our asses off by the end of the weekend. This was fine for me because I have plenty of ass to sweat off; but The Boy is just bone and gristle. Fortunately, like most 7 years olds he's also dumb and oblivious to any temperature changes.
• Since there was only one other father son combo from our pack there, we were put in the "Special" combo camp site with the other loser packs with only a few participants. Boy, that was a fun experience. My favorite co-camper of the weekend was Mailman Bob. Mailman Bob as you can guess is a mail man with 33 years of experience. In his spare time, he and his son Little Bob do Civil War renactments. They have their own uniforms. Bob had a full beard and looked like a skinny 60 year old Grizzly Adams. In addition to his Civil War interests, Mailman Bob also has a Beatles museum in his home which was featured on the show Wild Chicago. The reason I know all this is that Mailman Bob told me this about himself in the first 30 seconds I met him. He then didn't shut the fuck up talking about his quirky interests for the rest of the weekend. I now know more about Civil War renactments than I ever wanted to and feel very sorry for Little Bob.
• Our other two co-campers of the weeked were Rusty (I'm not making this up.) and Tom. Both were nerdy chemists from Abbott Labs which you as you can imagine is a recipe for fun and excitement. Both sat around all weekend and read sci-fi books (big surprise there, I know) while their kids ran around like idiots. Oh, I almost forgot. Tom in a moment of parental brillance left his annoying nephew Colin at the event for three hours while he ran home, showered and watched tennis. Hey, fuckface, it's called Fun with Son Weekend for a reason. Otherwise they'd call it Leave Your Dumbass Kid in the Woods Weekend.
• The Boy and I did all of the violent father son activities they had like shooting BB guns, Archery, and Sling shots. I am thinking of quitting my job and becoming a sniper after the performance I had on the gun range. Though, I think they may frown on the fact that I have the attention span of a humming bird.
• Can anyone explain to me why so many loser dad/kids end up in scouting? It's fun and they do a bunch of really cool shit. Yet, the losers of society end up participating in it. The majority of people there are the biggest pack of nerds ever. I know there's no chicks there, but you can meet them at other activities like sports. It's also of huge interest to the obese children and their fat parents. I saw this fat fucker put about a pound of mayonaisse on his sandwich while his fat ass father sat and downed to burgers in about 20 seconds. And people wonder why our kids are so heavy.

Well I better get to work here before the pile gets any bigger.

I Knew It!

You Are 62% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

How Evil Are You?

Tales from the Metra

I've been back to riding the Metra fairly regular as of late. The Metra for those of you not in the know is the name of the train lines that run from the suburbs to the city of Chicago. I am fortunate enough, however, to be able to use it to commute from my house in a far North suburb to my office in a near North suburb. It's a sweet deal actually!

Well yesterday the whole cast of charaters was in the bar car on the way home. Fat Religious Guy was there. The Beckster was there. St. Louis was there. Kermit and his famous bag of disgusting chips were there. Heavy D was there. Stacy or Tracy (I can never fucking remember.) the Movie Guy was there. It was a regular who's who of freaks and geeks riding the train. And of course the Mick and I were there. The only people missing were the Rooster and "I".

I'm beginning to think that Fat Religious Guy may be the leader of a cult. Perhaps even the reincarnation of David Koresh. He's alway got a least one hot looking foreign girl hanging on his every bible banging word. I've seen at least three different ones and they keep coming back for more. I find this very suspicious. If I hear anything about Waco, I may call the ATF so they can tranquilize him with one of those big elephant guns. It may take a big dart to bring him down though as that gigantic fucker is all hopped up on Moutain Dew. He drinks it right from the 2 liter bottle on the train. Yesterday, he had a bag with three reserve bottles poking out of it. I feel sorry for that heart of his and hope I'm not close by when he goes down for the count.

Note to self, think carefully about giving Heavy D any more cocktails on the train. Yesterday, I shared some of my Jim Beam minis with him and he got all salty talking about his brother-in-law. I want fun and humor on the train not stories of bitter family life. I can get that right at home.

The Mick and I saw this really fat guy with the smallest umbrella ever. It barely covered his gigantic melon. Reminded me of Chris Farley in "Fat Guy in Little Coat", but this time it was "Fat Guy with Little Umbrella!" Rooster, I think it was someone that works at your office. Then not two seconds later, we saw this guy wearing a Ralph Lauren Polo Shirt that had an enormous oversized Polo logo on it. It looked almost cartoonish it was so big. Like Flavor Flav wearing a big clock. Boy you must be really label concious to wear something like that.

Speaking of fashions, I am going to round out this post with a little tip. Ladies, I know that I've mentioned this in a post or two before because it's a personal pet peeve of mine. But since I've seen at least three instances of this blunder over the past few weeks it's obvious some of you out there need reminding. White panty hose and stockings only look good on about one in 50 million people and those people are all super models. The rest of you look like you have two big sausages under your skirt wearing high heeled shoes. It's not attractive even if you husband or significant other lied and told you he liked them. He probably just wanted you to give him a blow job anyway.

Well, I better run. The man needs his pound of flesh.

Stupid License Plate O' The Day

While driving to work, I just saw the nerdiest looking guy ever driving a small penis compensating Ford Mustang. His license plate read KEWL DAD! If you have to tell people, you probably need to rethink the title.

Sorry about the lack of posts. Life has been in a bit of turmoil with the move. Plus we still aren't back on-line at home. I have lots of funny shut to report and hope to start posting again next week.

Sent from my Crackberry Handheld!