Minding My Own Business

Yesterday, I went lunch with a vendor I use on a regular basis. We went to J. Alexander's in Northbrook, IL. If you are in the area, I definitely recommend it, very good food and very hot waitresses. As luck would have we of course got the only gay guy working there out of a sea of hot asses and attractive boobs but that's not the reason for my post.

At about the halfway point in our meal, I felt the need to hit the little boy's room and relieve myself. I know, big surprise. In my own defense though, I did hog down about 3 glasses of iced tea before I had to excuse myself. Anyway, I am standing there at the urinal doing my business. Well not exactly doing my business yet, but definitely getting ready to do my business. Just then, I hear the door open and someone walks into the loo with me. Being curious, I glance out of the corner of my eye to see who it is. Not three steps away from me with my fly undone and my equipment out and at the ready is a woman fixing her makeup and hair in the mirror. She's looks to be about in late fifties. My first thought is "fuck, I'm in the ladies room". Then I quickly glance down and confirm that I am in fact standing at a urinal. My second thought was this is extremely funny and I'm going to run with it. Not bothering to zip up, I call out over my shoulder as calmly as I could muster, "Excuse me, Miss, I think you may be in the men's room." Her immediate response was, "OH MY GOD!!!!" followed by her screaming, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" as she quickly exited the restroom. Quickly may be an a bit of an understatement; there may have been sonic boom as she left the room. I was laughing my ass off as she did so.

After that, there was only two respectable things left to do, well after peeing and washing my hands of course. Go out and tell your lunch buddies what had happened and then try to find this woman in the restaurant so you can all point and laugh. We did have a good laugh over the whole thing, but I wasn't able to find her when I took a good look around. Maybe she made a beeline for the car after her classy exit from the rest room.

Everyone have a safe and happy New Year. Drink and be merry. But remember to Drink Smart.

Happy Holidays, you Fuckers!

You just can't please anyone. Late last week, I sent out the following holiday e-mail on my Crackberry to some of my friends that I don't keep in touch with on a very regular basis....

As many of you are fully aware, I am way too lazy to go through the ceremony of sending Christmas/Holiday cards. Even if I wasn't, I probably don't have your home address anyway. So, this email is going to have to do.

I hope that everyone has a great holiday and a safe and happy new year.

Love, Carrotpenis

Now, I know that it was a little impersonal but it's the thought that counts, right? Wouldn't you know it, some of the people on my list had the audacity to criticize my methods. First of all jackasses, your handcrafted Christmas card must have gotten lost in the mail, because I didn't receive it. Or even a shitty pathetic email from you for that matter. At least I made the effort to stay in touch with your sorry ass. For those of you that complained that there was no picture, I didn't see one attached to your response. Maybe your ass has gotten so gigantic that the wide angle just can't manage to get it all in or the glare from your balding head is no longer able to be captured on film. Whatever it is, be glad you got something at all.

To the ones I got nice responses from, thanks a bunch. It's nice to know you can stay acquainted with certain people with just a brief email, once in awhile. My friend Hexy even sent me a picture of him and his son. Thank God, that Boy got his mother's head.

Peace, Love, and Happiness in the New Year!

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?

You are probably asking yourself, where the fuck is the carrotpenis? What has he been up to since that last post from the airport. Where are those fucking pictures he promised. Well first off, wine and taking pictures aren't always a classic combination. Sometimes when I am drinking, I can take hundreds of pictures. Other times, I get lost in the moment of the social atmosphere and totally forget to bring the camera out; my business trip to California wine country was one of those times. Well I'll have to use the written word to dazzle you with activities of the past week or so.

• As I arrived at the Silverado Resort and Country Club in Napa for the first night of my stay, I immediately ran into co-workers in the hotel lobby enjoying some Champagne. 90 minutes later, I notice the doorman looking around the lobby bar. I suddenly realize that he is looking for me because I left my rental car running in hotel circle when I ran in to check in. Does this surprise anyone that knows me?
• Got really fucking lost driving from Napa to Sonoma, nearly ended up in Lake Tahoe. The whole east/west thing was very disorienting to me. In Chicago, you go east to hit water; on the west coast obviously this theory does not apply. Only took me about 45 minutes to figure it out; I am such a jackass. Did get to see some fabulous wineries on the way back though, Opus One and Robert Mondavi looked beautiful as I drove by them.
• Stayed at the fabulous Hotel Healdsburg while in Sonoma. They have the absolute best hotel beds ever. Increadibly high thread count sheets and I almost need to take a running leap to get up on the bed. Again, does this surprise anyone? They also have a European shower that is pretty much open to the rest of the bathroom. It fascinates me that the water doesn't get all over the bathroom.
• I got to try some fabulous wines while I was there. Went to William Hill winery in Napa and then Clos Du Bois and Geyser Peak wineries in Sonoma. My recommendations for the week are the Clos Du Bois Marlstone, Geyer Peak Reserve Sauv Cabernet, and the Geyser Peak Sauv Blanc.
• Had the third worst flight home ever. I'll write about the other two another time. Actually, the flying part was fine. Both the connection and the flight home were right on time. However, United Airlines with their typical heads up their asses didn't have enough staff on hand to handle the weather in Chicago. Go figure, it's snowing in December. We ended up sitting on the runway for three and a half, yes that was three and a half hours waiting for a gate to open up. Note, I gladly accepted the two mini bottles of Jim Beam Black offered to me at around 2:30am. So, instead of getting to baggage claim by 12:30am, I got there at around 4am. I then told the limo driver to just drive me home rather than picking up my snow covered car at the office.
• Was made fun of by girl with the hottest body on train for wearing what she deemed gardening gloves. My normal gloves were in my snow covered car at the office. I refrained from quipping back that she was a dumb ass for wearing a short sheer skirt on such a cold day, because I love looking at her legs.
• Came very close to taking a very hard digger on an icy patch in the parking lot while cleaning off my snow covered car on Monday night. I think my feet were above my head before I caught myself. That would have sucked.
• This morning it was snowing and I left in a rush to catch the train. Discovered when I got to the office that I left my dress shoes sitting on the living room floor. Am now forced to clomp around the office in dress khakis and a beat up pair of work boots. I'm a trend setter what can I say.

Well I better get back to the shit storm otherwise known as work. Our office Christmas (oops that's not PC is it, well fuck being PC) party is this Friday with cocktails after. I am sure there will be something worth posting about that. Everyone try and stay warm.

Going to Cali!

I am currently sitting at Ohare airport waiting for a flight to Oakland, CA. I am conducting training classes at three wineries over the next two days. I know its a tough life but somebody's got to do it. I have my digital with me, so I hope to get some good pictures to post. I also hope to try some good wine while I am there comingled with some good bourbon of course.

I love the airport because there is great people watching. Best sight so far, gigantic man yelling at the United rep because he was unable to bring a steamer trunk on as carry on baggage. Just because you are a big motherfucker doesn't mean your luggage can be.

Well its time to turn off all portable devices. Catch you on the West coast.

Hilarious Rocky Video

You have to check out this hilarious spoof on the training in the Rocky movies. It's a laugh riot.

Rocky Video

Don't tell me you didn't laugh when he takes the digger off the counter at the convenience store.

Kill Me!

I am sitting at JFK Health World in Barrington with 250 fifth graders leaning about how food turns into shit in the digestive system. These kids ask the dumbest fucking questions. Almost as stupid as the people I work with. Somebody please shoot me!