Black Friday! Last Day of the Metra Bar Car

I knew this day was coming at some point but shit it's finally here. After Friday, there will be no Bar Car on the Metra. It's honestly going to be a sad sad day. For the past 13 years, almost day in and day out, I have sat in the Bar Car on the way home from work. Typically, I have a cocktail but some days I just like to people watch. Well I guess it's is time for last call so to speak.

Without the Bar Car, I wouldn't have met some really great people I now call friends. You all know who you are. I've also thoroughly enjoyed the cast of charaters on train every day. You know the people that you never really knew their name but if you said their nickname others would instantly know who they were, i.e. Grayslake Steve, Doc, Kermit, Thunder Dan, Handsome Tom,

The Bar Car has been the subject matter of many a blog post too. From Kermit's bag of chips to the drunk construction workers. There's never a dull moment there. It's also a hotbed of gossip. Who's having a train affair with whom? Who's dating? Who's on the wagon? And Who's off the wagon?

Good bye good friend; it's been real.

Nice Parking at the Grayslake Metra Station!

Drunk Construction Workers on the Metra!

Only in Illinois....

Can you have a car held together by duct tape. The Boy and I spotted this winner at the Jewel in Round Lake yesterday. Growing up in NJ where they had annual safety inspections, you rarely saw vehicles like this on the road; unless they had Illinois plates I suppose. Since all they care about here is emissions, anything can suffice for a motor vehicle. Who cares about carbon monoxide gas when the car in front of you turns to dust when it hits a big bump.

Ugh!!! What was I thinking...

I am seriously starting to rethink this volunteering for VBS gig that I've gotten myself into this week. That's Vacation Bible School for those of you not in the know. This is week one of three weeks with the kids all to myself this summer. I love being able to spend some quality one on one time with them. Them not living with me 24/7 is easily the worst part of the whole divorce. As such, they are participating in VBS at our church. The Girl is in the drama and helping out with pre-k gym. The Boy is being just that a boy along with other shamefully awkward 10 year old boys being taught to dance and sing to christian rocks songs. And he's further hindered by the fact that he clear got his sense of rhythm from me. Can anyone say "white man's overbite"?

Anyway, because I either wanted to spend more time with them (my kids that is) or I am making up for my sins of the past year, I volunteered to work at VBS for the entire week. I figured how hard could it be anyway. You have cute kids and their hot moms hanging out out in the sun for an entire week. Well I better have locked up my spot in heaven because I clearly drew a bad card here. Am I hanging out with the hot moms playing with silly string and eating snacks on my 45 minute break. No, I am running the song lyrics on Powerpoint for the entire time without even hardly a bathroom break while they teach song and dance moves to various age groups. This means I have to listen to the same 4 or 5 songs played in little snippets and parts for 3 hours straight with little or no downtime. If I have to hear that fucking "Power" song one more time, I may strangle that little lightning bolt character they're using as a mascot. The other one that make me want to slit my wrists is written to the tune of the "Banana Boat" song but with a religious theme. It also doesn't help that I drink about 25 cups of coffee to keep myself from falling asleep while I do it. So, I am not only exhausted but also very jittery to boot from all of the caffeine.

The only people that possibly have it worse than me are the group who have to actually sing and play the songs. At least what they are doing takes talent and skill. I am just at button pusher and not even a very good one at that. Being slightly ADD, the moment I look away from the screen I lose track of where we are in the song and have do a major scan of the song to see if I am just one page off or ten. It's like a firedrill every time I do it. Well, at least the kids are having fun. Sure, they get to jump, sing and dance. Plus, they only listen to the songs like four times not four hundred. Dear Lord, please give me the patience to make it through the next three days.

Lesson for the Day...

I learned a new phrase that pays yesterday. Well, I'm not so sure that it's a phrase as much as it is a descriptive adjective. But who the hell wants to see the Descriptive Adjective that Pays in the title. It's just not the same. Well that's neither here nor there.

So, the descriptive adjective that pays is Twat Waffle. Yep, you read it correctly, Twat Waffle. I think it's kind of catchy. All the kids will be saying it shortly; kind of like a replacement for Douche Bag, a phrase you can't say enough. There are so many douche bags in the place I can't even count.

I think before starting to use a catch phrase or catch descriptive adjective as one might say that you know the proper definition. So, I did what every good person does these days, I Googled, Twat Waffle. And lo and behold, I am apparently behind the times because I got 15,600 hits. What the fuck did we do before the great almighty Oz, I mean Google? You can be misinformed so much more quickly in this day and age; it's just amazing.

Okay back to the task at hand, I checked the Urban Dictonary and there appears to be some conflicting ideas on exactly what a Twat Waffle is but I picked a couple I liked and I thought were probably accurate.

1.) a vagina that is so shriveled up that it looks like a defrosted waffle.
Note: I am guessing this may have been the origination of the word.

2.) a foolish, inept, or unattractive person.
Note: I am guessing this is how people started to use the term and I know some of these people.

3.) someone who you find in extreme annoyance.
Note: This is how I am going to use it and I know lots of these people.

Suggested uses:

Mick, stop being such a Twat Waffle.
That Rusty guy from soccer is a huge Twat Waffle.

See it is catchy. Well that's my lesson for today kids. Next time tune if for my lesson on Backhanded Compliments. Where you say something nice to someone when you really mean to say that they are such a Twat Waffle. It's fun trust me.

8 Random Things....

Was trying to come up with a longer post but I'll try and dazzle you with some random highlights...

• Watched the Golden Compass on DVD recently with kids. Visually, it was stunning and Nicole Kidman is smoking hot in it. That said, the complete bullshit cliffhanger ending was horrible. I understand there's going to be another movie or two but this isn't Lord of the Rings. I felt like I got fucked in the ass without the reach around. Even The Girl wasn't buying into the hype.


• Actually won a freaking adult soccer game. It's about time too, I can't stack the team any more than I already have. I've gone from one of the better male players on the team to easily the worst. It was doubly satisfying because we beat a team that I can't standing. Well just one person in particular.


• Went to my 5th Cubs game vendor boondoggle of the season. This one was in super skybox. There's few things better than a day at Wrigley. Cold beer, hot girls, good times! It was made all the better by the fact that the vendor provided a bus from Gurnee Mills to the game and back. I also won $17 playing Ship, Captain, Crew on the bus. Whoo Hoo!


• Just finished The Kite Runner. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I am betting that may be a "Man Card" violation.


• Female Fashion tip for the week- if you have fat calves, don't wear high boots even if they're black. They aren't flattering even though your friends tell you they are; they're liars.
• Male fashion tip for the week- If you are starting to bald on top but not on the sides and front, cut your hair really short or better yet shave your head. That munk look is so 13th century.
• Left Stupid Cat outside all night in hopes that he would be kidnapped by racoons or carried off by a hawk; no such luck there.
• Mowed front lawn the other night so that my house is not the blight of the neighborhood. Thank the Lord that I have a fence and people can't see the back yard.

Law Firm Shenanigans...

This is an actual email exchange from a law firm that I do business with. It is utterly hilarious. I've changed the names to protect the innocent...Start from the bottom, it's much funnier that way.

-----Original Message-----
From: Asshole Lawyer 3
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2008 12:04 PM
To: Facility Girl; Asshole Lawyer 1; Asshole Lawyer 2
Subject: RE: Emergency Response Team

Personally, I find all of these shenanigans irresponsible.

-----Original Message-----
From: Asshole Lawyer 2
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2008 12:01 PM
To: Facility Girl; Asshole Lawyer 1
Cc: Asshole Lawyer 3
Subject: RE: Emergency Response Team

I'm working from home today, but will look into the email situation when I am back in the office on Thursday. As you no doubt will understand after reading Asshole Lawyer's email, I am currently trying to avoid making any commitments to the firm that extend beyond a two week period.

Regards,

Asshole Lawyer 2

-----Original Message----- From: Asshole Lawyer 1
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2008 11:58 AM
To: Facility Girl
Cc: Asshole Lawyer 2; Asshole Lawyer 3
Subject: RE: Emergency Response Team

Facility Girl:

Clearly, Asshole Lawyer 2 came into my office and sent from my computer the e-mail indicating I would be willing to serve on your rescue squad. I think you should find someone else besides me. If some emergency were to actually occur here, the only emergency response plan I intend to effect is called "Lookie Outie for Numero Uno." I plan to run out of this place so fast you'll need extra rescue team members just to pick up the old ladies I knock over in my escape. I'll be standing outside on the street with a venti, extra shot, easy vanilla latte from Starbucks before your team members even have their cute little orange vests put on. You know that guy on the Titanic that got into the life raft before all the women and children? That's me.
I think Asshole Lawyer 2 just nominated himself by sending you the false message. I recommend you use him to fill whatever position requires him to stay behind and fight the flames before they get to our files. I know that could be very dangerous and put his life at stake, but it's a risk I'm willing to take.

Asshole Lawyer 1

-----Original Message-----
From: Facility Girl
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2008 11:37 AM
To: Asshole Lawyer 1
Subject: RE: Emergency Response Team

THANKS!!!

-----Original Message-----
From: Asshole Lawyer 1
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2008 11:17 AM
To: Facility Girl
Subject: RE: Emergency Response Team

I will

-----Original Message-----
From: Facility Girl
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2008 11:07 AM
To: Entire Law Firm

Subject: Emergency Response Team
Importance: High

Your floor is looking for a few more volunteers for the Emergency Response team. This is very important for your safety as well as others in the event of an emergency. Please let me know if you are willing to volunteer.

When is a Date a Date?

Clearly I am going to have a start a list. Let's call this one New Single Guy Learning Experience #2. Just to recap...If you recall #1 was don't date two girls and be seen on television with one of them.

Okay, #2 is when you are recently single guy and you ask a single girl out for drinks as friends, there is the distinct possiblity that she may think it's a date. This has happened to me on not one but two separate occasions. The first time, met random female aquaintance on train and had a nice conversation. We exchanged a few funny emails. One night I was bored and shot her and email asking her if she'd be interested in meeting me for a drink. To date, there was no discussion of dating, I assumed it was two casual friends going out for a drink. Apparently, I was wrong because I was informed later that it was a considered date.

Situation two, a divorced soccer mom from my team has agreed to cover for me while I am out of town this weekend. She's never coached soccer before and clearly had a lot of questions about what to do. I offered to meet her for a drink last night to go over any questions she had. Someone told me that it was probably going on a date. I said "No way, we are just talking about soccer." Well once again, I was wrong it was a date. What tipped me off? We had cocktails and sat for easily an hour talking with not one mention of soccer. The whole evening lasted nearly four hours and soccer talk consisted of about 5 minutes of that time period.

Ladies, can you give me some guidance here? When is just drinks, just drinks? And when is just drinks, a DATE? Is there some code word I need to use to make it go one way or another? Or do I just need to throw it out there. Don't get me wrong both times I had a really nice time. I am just confused about what constitutes a date and what doesn't.

Well, it's official...The Semi- Divorce is over!

I no longer need to describe myself to single women as being semi-divorced. I have to admit that was always an awkward moment; but I have to tell you not typically a dealbreaker. The county of Lake in the state of Illinois has officially decreed we are no longer legally Mr. & Mrs. Carrotpenis. While it's honestly been over for me for a fairly long time now mentally, I do find the legally severing of things a bit cathartic.

Well let the single guy shenanigans begin. Oh, that's right they've already started. In fact, I think that train has pretty much left the station. After 6 or so months of being semi-divorced, now when I'm around my married guy friends and their wives, I've noticed them (the wives I mean) giving that certain look of disgust. You know the one. The one that says, don't you dare lure my semi-happily married husband into yet another girl ogling, liquor imbibing, cigarette smoking debacle. I'm clearly going to need to find some new single guy friends.

Or perhaps I could grow up a bit and go and scoop somebody else's wife from a recently failed marriage. Oh that's right, that's been done already. But I will save that story for another day.

Does this Surprise Anyone?

As some of you are aware, I am a giant fan of the Vendor Boondoggle. You know where you're the customer and your vendors give you lots of cool shit just becuause you are doing business with them. I have been on the receiving end of some really incredible things through my job. To give you an idea, over the past 10 years, I've gone to easily 20 Chicago Bears games at Solider Field. During that entire time, I've only sat outside in the elements twice. Every other time has been from the open bar comfort of a luxury skybox.

Well as luck would have it the Vendor Fairies were looking down upon me once again for opening day at Wrigley. One of my vendors who will remain nameless has the easily 4 of the best seats in Wrigley Field. They are in the 3rd row right behind the Cubs dugout near the batter's circle. If you've never been that close, it's a surreal experience. When the players come off the field, they are literally an arms reach away. One of the only drawbacks is that you really need to pay attention to the game lest take a foul ball in the noggin ala Drew Barrymore in Fever Pitch.

Another drawback which it took this game for me to figure out by the way is that you are on TV a lot. I am sure if you are dad with your kids and they are trying to have them show their fucking "Hi Mom!!!" sign on TV so that mom can ooh and ahh from home or perhaps a good looking girl in a low cut blouse who doesn't mind having her tits shown on WGN then this is all well and good. However, if you are a good looking semi-divorced guy dating two girls at once and one of them has a slacker job that allows her to be home in the afternoon to watch the Cubs on TV, then not so much. To make matter worse the Cubs new player Fukedome (which I think is really pronounced...fuck you, do me) hit a 3 run homer in the bottom of the ninth to tie the game causing the crowd including me and Girl 1 to go wild for the television cameras. Then they were nice enough to show shot of Girl 1 and I celebrating no less than 1700 times for Girl 2. So much in fact that Girl 2 now refers to Girl 1 as Brown Haired Girl in White Hoodie at least to my face. I am sure that she uses another moniker with her girl friends.

Well we will just need to chalk this up a New Single Guy Learning Experience #1. Okay, I am sure it's not number one, but it's in the top 20 or so.

Does Anyone Think...

That this may be the reason why when I have a date over to my house for dinner and drinks that the romance of whole situation quickly ends. Come on, what girl doesn't enjoy an overly affectionate 17 pound cat sitting on your lap purring while you're watching a movie. I am mostly kidding about that. Clearly, the big win during the division of assets portion of my divorce was "Precious" here. Sure, I did get to keep the 5 burner stainless steel grill but since winter has yet to end here in Chicago I'm still debating if that was a win in this situation.

Do single women give you a break for having a cat due to divorce or am I automatically labeled as "Guy with Cat"? I am surmising that the situation is not good. I've tried several times to ship said cat off to the "farm", but kids keep putting up a veiled defensive front. They claim to love the cat and hint that I will no longer be loved if cat mysteriously disappears one day. Yet, when they come over to my place Senor Hairball is largely ignored for the TV. I did notice a large hawk scoop up a rabbit in the neighbor's front yard last week. Perhaps, the cat and I need to start enjoying some outdoor activities together. That said, it's going to take a pretty big hawk to get his giant ass off the ground. Perhaps, there's a gang of hawks in the neighborhood to take him on.

Men vs. Women

Someone sent this to me but I felt it was definitely worth posting. Number 2 is dead on. I nearly peed my pants at number 6 about about cats (more on that later). And there's no greater truth in this world than number 9.

1. NAMES- If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT- When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. There will also be a great debate on how each owes based on exactly what they consumed.

3. MONEY- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS- A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream , razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS- A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS- Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10. DRESSING UP- A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING- Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY- Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Happy 40th Fat Bastard!!!

The Fat Bastard turned 40 a couple of weeks ago and there was an out of control birthday party at Cowboy and Party Girl's house. I think some people are still on the wagon because of it. FB's wife Nice & Easy finally sent me the link to the pictures. I may post some more when time permits.

Further Proof...

...that I am gigantic jackass. On Wednesday, we had a pretty big snowstorm in the northern Chicago burbs. I think that totals ended up in the 12 plus inch range. To make matters worse, it came down really fast, probably 2 inches per hour. On Tuesday morning when I got to the train station, there was just a light dusting on the ground. When I got home around 2pm, there was easily 8 inches on the ground and not a fucking plow in sight.

As a result of said poor plowing and the fact that my Camry sucks in the snow, I ended up pulling out of my space about 2 feet and getting firmly caught in the deep snow. After about 10 minutes of swearing and trying to get the damn thing out, I got frustrated and started to hike home which is about 2.5 miles. As luck would have it, a co-worker picked me up after only about a mile. This was of course plenty enough time to completely fill my hood with snow and drench my jacket and gloves.

Well since I didn't have a ride back to the train station that evening or any motivation to go and dig it out for that matter, I left my piece of shit car at the train station overnight. The next morning, Cowboy picked me up on his way to the train. In anticipation of my big dig, I threw a broom and a shovel in his back seat. Due to the car's assinine position in the lot, the plows were unable to plow around the car very well. And as a result which you can see from the picture above, I was taking up about 6 prime parking places. To give you an idea of what an asshole I looked like, the blue car behind me is parked correctly in a legitimate space. To make the situation even worse, Cowboy and I were running late for our train. I ended up only having a few seconds to toss the shovel and broom in the back seat. And my car sat there like that until 3pm, over 24 hours from when I left it there initially. I am sure I was cursed many times that day.

Does anyone think....

I should have an cause for concern that STBX and the kids may be plotting my demise from a life insurance scam. This is what the kids got me for Christmas, I kid you not. I guess I should just enjoy the fact that they are deluded enough to think that I won't break my neck on this thing.