Minding My Own Business

Yesterday, I went lunch with a vendor I use on a regular basis. We went to J. Alexander's in Northbrook, IL. If you are in the area, I definitely recommend it, very good food and very hot waitresses. As luck would have we of course got the only gay guy working there out of a sea of hot asses and attractive boobs but that's not the reason for my post.

At about the halfway point in our meal, I felt the need to hit the little boy's room and relieve myself. I know, big surprise. In my own defense though, I did hog down about 3 glasses of iced tea before I had to excuse myself. Anyway, I am standing there at the urinal doing my business. Well not exactly doing my business yet, but definitely getting ready to do my business. Just then, I hear the door open and someone walks into the loo with me. Being curious, I glance out of the corner of my eye to see who it is. Not three steps away from me with my fly undone and my equipment out and at the ready is a woman fixing her makeup and hair in the mirror. She's looks to be about in late fifties. My first thought is "fuck, I'm in the ladies room". Then I quickly glance down and confirm that I am in fact standing at a urinal. My second thought was this is extremely funny and I'm going to run with it. Not bothering to zip up, I call out over my shoulder as calmly as I could muster, "Excuse me, Miss, I think you may be in the men's room." Her immediate response was, "OH MY GOD!!!!" followed by her screaming, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" as she quickly exited the restroom. Quickly may be an a bit of an understatement; there may have been sonic boom as she left the room. I was laughing my ass off as she did so.

After that, there was only two respectable things left to do, well after peeing and washing my hands of course. Go out and tell your lunch buddies what had happened and then try to find this woman in the restaurant so you can all point and laugh. We did have a good laugh over the whole thing, but I wasn't able to find her when I took a good look around. Maybe she made a beeline for the car after her classy exit from the rest room.

Everyone have a safe and happy New Year. Drink and be merry. But remember to Drink Smart.

Happy Holidays, you Fuckers!

You just can't please anyone. Late last week, I sent out the following holiday e-mail on my Crackberry to some of my friends that I don't keep in touch with on a very regular basis....

As many of you are fully aware, I am way too lazy to go through the ceremony of sending Christmas/Holiday cards. Even if I wasn't, I probably don't have your home address anyway. So, this email is going to have to do.

I hope that everyone has a great holiday and a safe and happy new year.

Love, Carrotpenis

Now, I know that it was a little impersonal but it's the thought that counts, right? Wouldn't you know it, some of the people on my list had the audacity to criticize my methods. First of all jackasses, your handcrafted Christmas card must have gotten lost in the mail, because I didn't receive it. Or even a shitty pathetic email from you for that matter. At least I made the effort to stay in touch with your sorry ass. For those of you that complained that there was no picture, I didn't see one attached to your response. Maybe your ass has gotten so gigantic that the wide angle just can't manage to get it all in or the glare from your balding head is no longer able to be captured on film. Whatever it is, be glad you got something at all.

To the ones I got nice responses from, thanks a bunch. It's nice to know you can stay acquainted with certain people with just a brief email, once in awhile. My friend Hexy even sent me a picture of him and his son. Thank God, that Boy got his mother's head.

Peace, Love, and Happiness in the New Year!

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?

You are probably asking yourself, where the fuck is the carrotpenis? What has he been up to since that last post from the airport. Where are those fucking pictures he promised. Well first off, wine and taking pictures aren't always a classic combination. Sometimes when I am drinking, I can take hundreds of pictures. Other times, I get lost in the moment of the social atmosphere and totally forget to bring the camera out; my business trip to California wine country was one of those times. Well I'll have to use the written word to dazzle you with activities of the past week or so.

• As I arrived at the Silverado Resort and Country Club in Napa for the first night of my stay, I immediately ran into co-workers in the hotel lobby enjoying some Champagne. 90 minutes later, I notice the doorman looking around the lobby bar. I suddenly realize that he is looking for me because I left my rental car running in hotel circle when I ran in to check in. Does this surprise anyone that knows me?
• Got really fucking lost driving from Napa to Sonoma, nearly ended up in Lake Tahoe. The whole east/west thing was very disorienting to me. In Chicago, you go east to hit water; on the west coast obviously this theory does not apply. Only took me about 45 minutes to figure it out; I am such a jackass. Did get to see some fabulous wineries on the way back though, Opus One and Robert Mondavi looked beautiful as I drove by them.
• Stayed at the fabulous Hotel Healdsburg while in Sonoma. They have the absolute best hotel beds ever. Increadibly high thread count sheets and I almost need to take a running leap to get up on the bed. Again, does this surprise anyone? They also have a European shower that is pretty much open to the rest of the bathroom. It fascinates me that the water doesn't get all over the bathroom.
• I got to try some fabulous wines while I was there. Went to William Hill winery in Napa and then Clos Du Bois and Geyser Peak wineries in Sonoma. My recommendations for the week are the Clos Du Bois Marlstone, Geyer Peak Reserve Sauv Cabernet, and the Geyser Peak Sauv Blanc.
• Had the third worst flight home ever. I'll write about the other two another time. Actually, the flying part was fine. Both the connection and the flight home were right on time. However, United Airlines with their typical heads up their asses didn't have enough staff on hand to handle the weather in Chicago. Go figure, it's snowing in December. We ended up sitting on the runway for three and a half, yes that was three and a half hours waiting for a gate to open up. Note, I gladly accepted the two mini bottles of Jim Beam Black offered to me at around 2:30am. So, instead of getting to baggage claim by 12:30am, I got there at around 4am. I then told the limo driver to just drive me home rather than picking up my snow covered car at the office.
• Was made fun of by girl with the hottest body on train for wearing what she deemed gardening gloves. My normal gloves were in my snow covered car at the office. I refrained from quipping back that she was a dumb ass for wearing a short sheer skirt on such a cold day, because I love looking at her legs.
• Came very close to taking a very hard digger on an icy patch in the parking lot while cleaning off my snow covered car on Monday night. I think my feet were above my head before I caught myself. That would have sucked.
• This morning it was snowing and I left in a rush to catch the train. Discovered when I got to the office that I left my dress shoes sitting on the living room floor. Am now forced to clomp around the office in dress khakis and a beat up pair of work boots. I'm a trend setter what can I say.

Well I better get back to the shit storm otherwise known as work. Our office Christmas (oops that's not PC is it, well fuck being PC) party is this Friday with cocktails after. I am sure there will be something worth posting about that. Everyone try and stay warm.

Going to Cali!

I am currently sitting at Ohare airport waiting for a flight to Oakland, CA. I am conducting training classes at three wineries over the next two days. I know its a tough life but somebody's got to do it. I have my digital with me, so I hope to get some good pictures to post. I also hope to try some good wine while I am there comingled with some good bourbon of course.

I love the airport because there is great people watching. Best sight so far, gigantic man yelling at the United rep because he was unable to bring a steamer trunk on as carry on baggage. Just because you are a big motherfucker doesn't mean your luggage can be.

Well its time to turn off all portable devices. Catch you on the West coast.

Hilarious Rocky Video

You have to check out this hilarious spoof on the training in the Rocky movies. It's a laugh riot.

Rocky Video

Don't tell me you didn't laugh when he takes the digger off the counter at the convenience store.

Kill Me!

I am sitting at JFK Health World in Barrington with 250 fifth graders leaning about how food turns into shit in the digestive system. These kids ask the dumbest fucking questions. Almost as stupid as the people I work with. Somebody please shoot me!

Commuter Trains = Darwinism at Work

I'm Back! Or at least I hope. Work is literally a shit storm right now. You'd think a little $6 billion dollar acquisition of some new brands would be a walk in the woods. No such luck. Well I told the Mick that'd I'd try to get back to some regular posts. Oh yeah, thanks to all of you who have been checking back from time to time to see if there was any new shit.

Quiz Question, if there's a competition between your automobile and a commuter train, guess who is going to win? If you had to think for even a second, you deserved to be on the track with the rest of those fucking idiots last Wednesday. If you haven't been watching the new at all, last Wednesday a Metra commuter train was forced to crash into approximately 15 cars of which 6 or 7 were sitting directly on the tracks blocking of a busy intersection. What I hate most is the news coverage of the whole event. There were a whole bunch of headlines that said Metra train brutally slams into innocent victims in busy intersection. What a bunch of crap!

What they should have said is..."Fucking Morons Nearly Wiped from Face of Earth by Own Stupidity!" It's Darwinism at work plain and simple; the weaker slower ones are the first to be taken from the herd.

Cool Penn State Video

A friend sent me the following link to a cool Penn State football video. If you're a fan, take a look when you have the chance. If you're not a fan, take a look anyway.

Penn State Football Video

And How is Your Day Going?

Well at this point, everything appears going fine. This morning, I wasn't so sure.

I arrived at the office this morning at just after 8. As always. the first thing I do is hit the coffee station for a big styrofoam cup of Starbucks. I don't know why, but I like it that way. I could use a coffee cup and have access to them; but for whatever reason, I like it in the free styrofoam cups that the company provides. Maybe its the fact that I am taking something back from "The Man". More likely, however, they are a badge of honor when I get up around noon time and haul the three or four that I've accumulated on my desk half full with cold coffee back to the coffee station to dump them out. Well enough of my idiotic idiosyncracies.

So, I'm sitting at my desk at around 8:40am and everything is trucking along fine. I've got my entire day planned out and am just hitting my stride to finally get some of this fucking shit cleared off my plate. Well out of nowhere, fate decides this is not to be the case.

As I am pulling over some documents that I need for the next task from the edge of my desk, I feel something catch on my wrist and the sleeve of my dress shirt. I suddenly look down in horror as I realize what it is. You may have guessed it, my pretty much full 16oz cup of Starbucks coffee. I pulled that fucker right over in one clean move. It then hit the edge of the desk about half way up the side of the cup and proceeded to pour approximately 15.5 oz. of lukewarm coffee right down the from of my shirt and into my lap. With my catlike reflexes, I was able to quick right the cup and keep that all important quarter ounce of coffee from not completely soaking my underwear and socks. But alas the damage was done. There was Starbucks coffee everwhere, on my shoes, in my shoes, on my pants...I'm sure you get the picture. I am such an idiot.

Well there I am covered in dripping coffee, the poster child for the next office psycho. The slight bit of dignity I have would not allow me to walk the 30 yards to the men's room through the gauntlet of my fellow employees. So, I did the next best thing. I called for Asshole Lawyer to assist me. After pointing and laughing for a few minutes he ran and got me a roll of paper towels. It took half the fucking roll, to clean up the mess. To top it off, I had wet socks and underwear for about two hours and smelled like burnt coffee for the rest of the day.

I will tell you there are a couple of things I am really thankful for with this whole ordeal. First, the coffee wasn't very hot. I'd hate to go to the emergency room to tell them I burned "The Boys" in a careless hot coffee office incident. Or better yet, being hauled out of here on a stretcher in front of everyone for the very same reason. Two, I like my coffee black. Black coffee doesn't stain as bad as coffee with cream and sugar does. And three, I'm thankful that the white shirt I was going to wear today was dirty and I had to wear a tan colored button down instead.

If something worse happened to you today, I want to hear about it.

I'm a Bad Bad Blogger! But I come bearing pictures

What a fucking slacker I've been when it comes to the Chronicles. It's been over two weeks since I did that last pathetic post about Boss' Day. I apologize to all of you that have been coming in from time to time to see if I've finally posted something. Well, if you can't tell, work has gotten even more crazy with little to no time to write down any sarcastic thoughts. Let me tell you I've thought plenty of them that's for sure though.

Anyway, this weekend we had our Pimp & Prostitute Costume Party. It was an absolute blast and I took a ton of great pictures, some of which I share with you below. Others I will need to think carefully about putting out here. Some sensitive friends that happen to loosen up a lot when they drink might not appreciate them being posted out here. The Wife took her usual position as Designated Drink Pusher. She appears unassuming, is notorious for making big trays of shots and ends up getting everyone to drink way too much. The Blow Jobs, Jello Shots and Mind Erasers were all a big hit. Thanks to all of our friends that threw themselves into the thematic element of the event. Here's a little chronicle of the evening...

This is a group shot of the gals in all their splendor. Everyone's looking fairly happy at this point. I'm betting this was after the Island Blue Pucker & Vodka shots made their appearance.



Fresh and his lovely bride were invited to another party that evening but decided to stop by for a bit. She was dressed as Naked Man and he was dressed as Naked Woman. Here's Fresh, absolutely disturbing.



These two were a close first and second for "Best Display of Cleavage!"




The "Sexy Bitch" punch that The Wife came up with was awesome. Some of the guests couldn't get enough, even after 3 punch bowls full.



Like hookers would come anywhere near these two dips...



Gay guys always make me feel like a giant fat ass. Here's my good friend Squig with his new Squeeze.



Coach don't take no shit from his Ho!



Fresh will do anything to hang out with the ladies...Again, just disturbing.



Well that's enough for now. I'm going to try and do some regular posting over the next few weeks so keep checking back.

The Week in Review!

My Boss' Day Gift!

Here are some from snippets from the past week...

• Went with Rooster, Mick and Bobby to lunch on Tuesday at "Bin Hai"! While there was definitely hilarious conversation, it only rated a 3 out of 5 on the Rooster snort scale. Highlights included an Asian woman sitting at the table next to us screaming out in a broken English with a failed attempt at southern accent, "You all come back now here!" We also witnessed what appeared to be a child molesters support group out for lunch. If those fuckers aren't on a gov't website, I don't know who is.
• Watched Fat Religious Guy suck down a whole 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew right from the bottle in under a half hour on the train. Next week, I figure that we might get to see him self-detonate on the train just like the in the "Wafer Thin Mint" skit on Monty Python.
• A new character has emerged on the train, I am going to call her "Bitter Red Head". You know the type, she's one of those people who always looks like they just took a bite out of a big shit biscuit. She gives everyone dirty looks when the conversation level goes above what she deems acceptable. Hey dumbass, sit somewhere else besides the bar car. I figure that her and Rooster will have a good "Throw Down" in the next few weeks. Sure Rooster, she's a scary bitch but I'm betting you can take her.
• Rooster scared some random guy next to her into leaving the seat after she snorted loudly at something The Mick said. It could have been that she had her hand on his knee at the time too, but I'm going with the Snort.
• At work right before I left last night, I sent out an email to approximately 1000 people with not one, but two bad links in it. I am such a jackass. Between then and this morning, about 500 of those people contacted me to tell me such. It was so nice to hear from all of them. Spent the first half hour of the morning fixing that debacle.
• Received an air plant sitting atop a tropical fish figurine as a Boss' day gift when I didn't even know it was Boss' day. If you can believe it, the picture above doesn't even do it justice. Damn, and I was going to bring my digital to work today. The one that I got is easily a 100 times cheesier than those shell ones. It's now proudly displayed on my shelf. I will post an actual picture next week.

Everyone have a safe and happy weekend. Drink and be merry. Don't do anything I would do. Well that's a pretty short list. How about we go with, let's not get hurt or arrested.

Penn State is 6-0!!!

Excited Lion

Did anyone catch the Penn State vs. Ohio State game on Saturday night? Unbelievable. We were literally jumping up and down at the end of the game when they sacked OSU's quarterback and forced a fumble to win the game.

Can't wait to see this week's game vs. Michigan. I hate them almost as much as I hate Notre Dame.

Let's go State!

Are Spitters Quitters?

The Mick and I saw some jackass wearing this t-shirt and had a good laugh about it. The jackass actually had a semi-attractive girl with him and she had a big smile on her face. I'm guessing she's no quitter. I'm also sure that her parents are real glad that her boyfriend wears that shirt too.

But this brings up a good point. Are spitters quitters? I am going to contend that they're not. Now everyone likes a big finish, I sure do. But if a girl is willing to "Step Up to the Mike" and hit that high note what she does after is her business. Anyone have an opinion on the subject? I'm sure that you probably do.

Is it Friday Yet?

Is it the weekend yet? It feels like I've been at work for six days in a row, but it's only just Hump Day! Well Happy Hump Day to everyone. Hump Away!

Here's a random highlights from the week thus far...

• I've finally found someone to take Boy Friday's place. Yahoo! Now I only need to get through the next six months of getting him up to speed, but at least the hiring is done. I'll let you know how the initiation, I mean training of Boy Friday II is going shortly.
• Asshole Lawyer got a promotion to Senior Asshole Lawyer which just mean he gets paid more to be an ever bigger asshole than he already is. As the Mick said, he's now the Black Belt of Asshole Lawyers.
• Went out to lunch with Rooster, Mick, and Bobby to Bin Hai which is pronounced "Been High"! That always makes me laugh. Bobby had his "A Game" on and told some absolutely hilarious stories. One involved a Jenna Jameson fake vagina. Another was about how he thought he could be gay if that's all there was to offer. To give you a point of reference, Bobby is very hetero and sort of looks like Shrek without the green color. I think overall the lunch was a 4 out of 5 on the Rooster Snort Scale. She actually did easily five audible snorts and at one point had tears running down her face from laughing so hard. I at one point feared that she would spout fried rice from her mouth. That could mean bonus points on the "Snort Scale".
• Yesterday, the train in front ours (which happened to be Rooster's) broke down and our train had to push their the rest the of way up the line. In doing so, they made everyone from their train get on to ours. Well during the 20 minute delay to get the trains hooked up Rooster and her Geriatric Posse (story for another day) swilled down an entire bottle of wine. Rooster was in fine form when she got to the bar car on our train. She was back to her old tricks of insulting people from all walks of life without even trying. Thank heavens, that cute little Japanese couple left before she could get her hands on them.

I am still looking for some Pimp and Ho party ideas. If anyone has any please shoot them, my way. Pictures from your Pimp and Ho party wouldn't hurt either. I still haven't come up with a solid line on a costume yet.

Random Highlights

These are some random highlights from the week at hand...

• Was forced to go out for dinner and drinks on a vendor boondoggle to the Palm restaurant in Northbrook. Highly recommend it if you are in that area. Ate a filet mignon almost as big as my head. I love when the vendor pays. Highlight of the evening was when one of the vendor employees had slightly too much to drink and was hitting on Boy Friday, who was there as well. Unfortunately, Boy Friday was able to resist her advances.
• Next day, though no hangover was evident, I had horrible breath from drinking the night before. I brushed my teeth twice and it still didn't help. It caused two separate groups to move away from me on the train. I hate it when that happens; where's a tic tac when you need one.
• Sent out invitations for Pimp and Ho costume ball that I am having for The Wife's birthday. I can't believe that I've swindled her into letting me do this one. I'm looking for some Pimp and Ho activities for during the party. If anyone has any suggestion from past experiences they'd be greatly appreciated.
• The recent cold snap has already caused the commuting women to start wearing slacks, leggings, and sweater. The girl with the great body, I, was wearing a skirt, heavy tights and a jean shirt. What a crying shame.
• As I sat in my car at the train station drinking coffee this morning, I saw this jackass do a mad sprint through the parking lot to the parking machine only to have the train that was coming through be an eariler express train. He even did this spectacular leap over the curb to make it on time. Much to my pleasure, he was about 10 minutes early for his actual train. He did this look around thing to make sure no one noticed. Ha! I did. That made my whole morning.

Everyone have a safe and happy weekend!

A Perfect Day!

carrotpenis truckster

Saturday ended up being one of the best days of college football for me ever. I was surrounded by good friends. We drank heavily. Nothing like 50 ml's of Jim Beam poured into tall Sprites at the stadium. We met new people. Wern, we had a fabulous time. And then to top it off, the Lions pulled off a last second victory to kick dirt in the faces of the fair weather Northwestern fans. I still can't believe I was there to see it. The picture above is the start of our day and the rest below chronicle the debauchery.

Let's Go State!

Tailgating

Pregame

Before the game we did some tailgating. Our first stop was at Real Estate Guy's house for some bloodies. Thanks for being such a gracious host. And sorry, you had to play Cornhole with Fresh.

The Evil Twins

Evil Twins!

The Evil Twins made a late tailgate appearance and were then peer pressured into coming to the game with us! Evil Twin #2 is was great seeing you even in lieu of the gray hair comment.

Stupid Wildcats!

Stupid Wildcats!

Fresh demonstrates what it feels like to be a true Wildcat fan. Get your ass back to the dorm so you can win that Nobel prize is Economics.

Fallen!

Fallen

Fresh takes a tumble. I'm sure that half bottle of Bacardi had nothing to do with it. His wife would be so proud. Picture Lady, this one's for you.

My Love!

My Love!

Mrs. carrotpenis, the love of my life, show off some of her best cheerleading moves. The fact that she probably knows more about football than I do and is willing to put up with my drunken nonsense at college football games makes me love her even more.

A Moment of Sanity

Fresh

I think this was the only time during the entire fucking day that Fresh appeared lucid and sober. Every other second he was acting like a complete jackass. Well that's what makes him fun.

Rachel Dratch loves the Lions!

Rachel Dratch

This chick behind us looked just like Rachel Dratch from SNL and was just as annoying. Throughout the game she yelled out the players name in first person like she was friends with him. If she was, do you think she'd have to hang around with this mope.

Wedgie

Wedgie

Fresh gets a wedgie from a Northwestern fan after they score against the Lions!

We Want the Lion! 

Hot Cheerleader

Hot Cheerleader

Nothing like college football without a hot cheerleader. Go Lions!

Fresh Celebrates!

Fresh Celebrates

Fresh celebrates after the Lions big score.

Proof Positive

Proof Positive

In case any of you are in doubt, here's the proof. You'll notice that the Northwestern student section is remarkably empty and that half the people there are wearing Penn State jerseys. Fucking fair weather fans; they suck!

Nice Face Paint!

Loser

We saw this jackass in the parking lot after the game. I'm sure he was glad his got himself all gussied up after we whipped his team's ass. Ha!

The Host with the Most!

Wern of Wernfest

This is a picture of our gracious host, Wern of Wernfest, who allowed us to come to his house no questions asked to attend his tailgate. The keg of Rolling Rock was a really nice touch too. Made me wish I was at the Skellar. Thanks Wern!

Let's Go State!

Making regular posts has really gotten to be a challenge lately. While I don't mind being so busy, I do like to take some time to vent here. This is another random update of things I've been up to lately and other random observations...

• Rooster told us a hilarious story about how a blind guy got caught up in the shoulder strap of her bag while riding on the train. Rather than remaining calm, he was flailing about and screaming bloody murder as she tried to free him. That doesn't seem so funny now that I am writing it but I was literally crying when she told us. Note: If you are blind and riding on public transportation, lighten up not everyone is out to get you. Note to self: May need to start thinking about some sensitivity training.
• Last Friday, as part of the 5th grade music curriculum, The Girl received her first musical instrument, a Recorder (you know like the Pied Piper played to woo the rats in the fairy tale.). She impressed us with a lovely rendition of Hot Cross Buns.
• Bobby regaled us with tales from his bachelor party trip to Vegas. One funny one was about how he got up in the middle of a Sports Book during the Notre Dame/Michigan Game and screamed about a great play that turned out to be a replay from the prior week's game. Apparently, the Michigan fans were extremely impressed with his show of enthusiasm.
• On Saturday, I nearly tore The Recorder (annoying piece of shit) out of The Girl's hand threw it out of the car window after hearing Hot Cross Buns for the 75th time on a road trip. She better learn a new song quick.
• Realized I have a weird hatred towards people who wear those giant fit over the glasses sunshields. They annoy the shit out of me just like the sight of Celine Dion does.
• Saw absolutely annoying guy wearing above described sunshields on the train. To top it off, he was drinking this giant keg mug which after a quick Google search it turn out is called a "Bubba Keg". I'd like to know why anyone would need a 52oz recepticle to drink out of for their own personal use.

This weekend we are making our annual pilgrimage to an away Penn State foot ball game. While getting back to State College usually isn't possible for us; every year, the Nittany Lions normally end up playing at least once within a three hour drive from here. So, we typically get to one away game a year. This time we are going to Evanston to hopefully see the Lions put some whoopass on the Northwestern Kittycats. Prior to the game there will also be the customary tailgate imbibing. I am hope to have some pictures from the festivities to post next week.

Let's Go State!

Work Continues to Suck...

Well here's some random drivel from the past few days or so....

• Work does continue to suck. No Boy Friday week three and people are getting used to calling me for stupid shit again. Best request of the week thus far is that I had to have dead bird removed from CEO's balcony. Thank God, there are people to do that and I didn't have to fling a dead bird's body off the balcony into the parking lot.
• Had someone suggest in the Suggestion Box that we put Oust sanitizer in the bathrooms. Listen folks, we already have industrial deodorizers in all the bathrooms. So, there's no fucking way a blast from that little aerosol can is going to cover up that gigantic Taco Bell shit you just took in the ladies room, sorry.
• Saw a female giant on the train yesterday; I'm not kidding either. What would you call one anyway, a giantess? This women was fucking gigunda. Sitting on the second step to the upper level of the train she was still taller than me. No short comments you assholes either. I think she wanted to grind up my bones and eat them in soup.
• Asshole Lawyer and I went to the Indy car race at Chicago Motor Speedway in Joliet, IL. It was much better than I expected. Free drinks in the hospitality tent were key. Vox Raspberry and Sprite, yum. There could have been more of a redneck factor though. I'm definitely going to try a Nascar race next time. And I definitely have to bring my camera. Leaving the parking lot we saw these two jackoffs in a bright yellow Maserati. To make their penises even smaller, they were wearing matching Maserati hats. Losers.
• Lately, when I see two men together, I've been trying to figure out whether or not they are gay. I've realized that I've been totally oblivious to this in the past and there are tons of gay couples everywhere. Well I just realized that when Asshole Lawyer and I are together, there initial impression might be that we are gay. A co-workers mom thought we were at the race. Well I guess at least that I'm good looking enough for a hot shot lawyer like Asshole.

Well Here Goes...A Contest!

Life continues to be crazy for me at both work and home. Until things calm down a bit, you are going to have to deal with these random bullet point lists...

• This is my first full week without "Boy Friday". I have quickly learned two things. One, Boy Friday's job sucks. And two, I need to hire someone really fucking fast before I start pulling all of my gray hair out.
• Wife's grandfather (Grandpa) of 91 is in town from Staten Island with his 80 year old Hussy Girlfriend, Pearl. Hussy Girlfriend only knows about three conversations. 1. How big her son's house is in Florida? 2. What a successful builder her son in FL is? 3. How beautiful her grandchildren are at their successful father's house in FL. Surprisingly, Hussy Girlfriend, whose a classic Jewish mother by the way, never ever mentions son's wife who is obviously in the picture. It may have something to do with them now being Seventh Day Adventists. The only good point of the whole thing is that you get to plan smartass responses before she even talks because she will inevitably hit on at least two of these subjects in a five minute conversation.
• Came outside at the inlaws house on Saturday and Grandpa was sitting in a lawn chair wearing tight shorts and a wife beater t-shirt. I almost gouged out my eyes.
• Was asked by third person in same day to get artwork for new hires' offices. Because obviously, I only have a list of 500 things to do and artwork is right on top of my business critical items. I am sure those people in New Orleans can wait an extra half day for me to get them their checks so that the people at HQ can have some knock off posters in their offices. Nearly did a performance art rendition of "Man Stomping on Co-Workers Face". Boy that would have felt really good. Note: Artwork is not delaying checks to the people in New Orleans; I was exaggerating a bit. I don't want Oprah crawling up my ass like she's doing to everyone else.
• Saw that yet another person put a suggestion in the Company Suggestion Box about people wearing capri pants which are in direct violation of the company casual dress policy. I think this is the fifth. I work with some real fucking idiots let me tell you. But this wasn't so much a suggestion as a personal attack on those who are violating the casual dress code policy and wearing Capri pants. My next suggestion box entry is going to be...To the pussies who are too afraid to confront people face to face and instead use the suggestion box as a sounding board for their personal pet peeves, please feel free to meet me in the lobby today at twelve noon for an open air discussion. You will be able to find me because I will be holding a baseball bat.
• Went to lunch at OCB with Asshole Lawyer and told him Grandpa and Hussy Girlfriend story. He then proceeds to ask me if I've heard them having sex. I was immediately nauseated by mental image and almost threw up my taco salad on nearby blue haired mah jong players.
• Tonight, we went out to dinner with Grandpa and Hussy Girlfriend. Hussy Girlfriend returned her salad because the waiter spilled the dressing onto the salad when bringing the plates over. Then when waiter brought back a new salad, Hussy Girlfriend proceeded to dump the same exact salad dressing all over the salad right in front of the waiter. Classic.
• Summer Hours ended last week and we are now back to working full day Fridays. This Friday will seem like easily the longest day of the year. If anyone is interested, we'll be having bourbons on the rocks, I'm thinking Jim Beam Black may be nice, in my office starting at about 3:30pm.

Okay, since I had minimal response to my hump day sex question of last week, we'll try something different this week. If you been reading for awhile, you know that idiotic suggestions to my company's suggestion box have been the lead topic on more than a few posts. If not look through the archives, there's some good shit there. Anyway, for the next week or so, I will accept potential suggestion box entries from you for me to put into my company's suggestion box. The best one wins and I will actually put it into the box and then put the response into a subsequent post if and when it is answered. Tell you what, I'll even throw in a small prize to the winner. I am sure that the Mick can find something in his prize vault that I can send to you. That is if he's not too busy playing phone bitch. The Mick will keep me honest on this one too. One disclaimer though, I enjoy working for the company that I do and question the actual anonymity of the suggestion box entries. So, while I am happy to laugh at inappropriate suggestions, they may not make the cut, but feel free to be creative. If this goes well, I may make this a monthly gig.

I'm a BlogExplosion Slut Again!

That's right it's September 1st, I just got to work and bam I logged into BlogExplosion. Well that didn't take very long did it. I have to admit that I really didn't miss it that much though. Well here are the rough results of my not actively whoring for readers during the entire month of August...

• I received 1481 page loads with no help from Blog Explosion.
• During that time, there were 958 unique visitors to the Chronicles.
• Of those, 582 were first time visitors.
• The productivity of my department at work increased 26.8%.
• My TV viewing increased by 32% and I am now hooked on watching two new shows, Over There on FX and Lost on ABC.
• My wife and kids found that the added time with me was twice as annoying.

Overall, I have to say the little experiment was a good experience. Special thanks to those of you who are driving traffic to my blog by linking from yours. Also, for those of you getting to my site by searching for "little boy penises", you are sick fuckers. Knock it off! Or soon you'll be some guy named Bubba's bitch wishing you'd never thought about another penis again.

Damn, I'm Busy!

Aquanut Ski Show

I just noticed it has been over a week since I did that last pathetic post about Pat Robertson. Well I guess the two go hand in hand because Pat is just that, pathetic. But I digress. My only excuse for the lack of regular attention to the Chronicles is that life has gotten extremely crazy over the past couple weeks. The kids are back in school and with that begins a rash of related sports and activities. The Girl is playing soccer and taking tennis lessons; that covers Friday and Sunday. The boy is playing baseball and soccer and participating in Cub Scouts. That covers Monday, Thursday, Saturday, and every other Wednesday. I am also playing in a 12" softball league on the off Wednesdays. So, as you can see our nights and weekends are pretty booked.

To make matters even worse, Boy Friday has finally cut the cord and moved to another department. As such, I am quickly starting to realize just how valuable his services were to me. My "Fellow Co-Workers I Hate!" list has grown quickly over the past few days. He obviously played a great buffer to the stupidity around me. My inane request of week was to fit 7 new employees into a space where clearly only 5 will fit: my intial thought was to build some furniture out of FedEx boxes, but apparently the FedEx people aren't too thrilled about that. I actually secretly hoping that one of the new employees is a hot girl when I have to pick one of them to share my office with me.

Well enough bitching and complaining, here's a random sampling of what I've been up to over the past week or so...

• Two Fridays ago, we let The Girl have a sleep over party for her birthday. We limited it to a manageable group of 4 girls total. That said, 4 ten year olds can generate a decibel level that is just painful. They ended up staying up until 3:30 in the morning. I can think of 3 households that had a little bitch on their hands Saturday. We did what every smart parent does when they have a sleep deprived cranky ten year old girl; we sent her to grandma's house. That will teach to spoil the grand kids.
• On Sunday, The Boy and I went to the local skate park to roller blade. Nothing like 30 seconds there to tell you that you're never going to be Tony Hawk. I am still nursing a giant scab on my knee from where I took a digger coming off the smallest of ramps.
• Just last Saturday, we went to see the Aquanut Waterski Show in Twin Lakes, Wisconsin. It was a fantastic time. Nothing like cute girls in skimpy outfits around water, see the picture above. If you live in the Chicago area, I highly recommend it; great family fun. To make things even better, I got to see a one year old stuff a whole handful of dirt and ants into their mouth while his parents weren't watching. I thought the mom was going to have a heart attack in the aftermath.
• Then on Sunday, we made a return trip to Great America. It once again didn't disappoint in the people watching department. There were lots of prison tats, gold teeth and wife beater t-shirts. The winner of the day though was this huge woman is acid washed jeans. She had one leg of the jeans cut into Daisy Duke shorts and the other was left long with big giant holes cut up the length of the pant leg, very ghetto.

In honor of Simply Complicated, I'll throw out a hump day sex question, a two parter to boot...Have you ever had sex in public and where? Note: Rooster, I'm not looking for a laundry list here. Just one will do.

August: Whore No More

Note: I am posting on a regular basis. I am just leaving this particular one at the top for the rest of the month of August. You can find my latest posts below.

I made a concious decision this month to get a baseline on how many people are voluntarily coming to my little corner of the internet. By this, I mean that I am not going to actively whore for readers this month. For the entire month of August, I will refrain from using Blogexplosion to get readers to my blog. That's right, no surfing for credits or obsessively placing my blog on Blog Rocket. I'm still not entirely sure what I am going to do at work now. Maybe put a little more creativity into my posts.

During my little sabbatical, I ask that you let me know that you're reading, what you like and what you don't. Better yet, tell me what you want to see more of. So, stop lurking and leave a comment.

Note: Unfortunately for some of you I will not stop from making inane comments on other blogs. Sorry.

To remind everyone, I will leave this as the top post for the rest of the month. Hope to hear from you.

Time To Rethink Your Religious Leader?

Now, I am probably the last one to take a stab at ones religious beliefs. But, did anyone else catch the story about Pat Robertson telling his 700 Club viewers that he thinks the US should kill Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. (I know what the fuck is he thinking.) Hello, 700 Club members, I think it may be time to look for greener pastures. I heard the Branch Davidians are starting up a new chapter. Pat has clearly gone over the deep end. Now I am sure that Senor Chavez is a huge bad ass and probably deserves what coming to him. But when your supposedly Christian leader starts calling for the deaths of other people in the name of the common good, you may want to rethink the path you're walking down. What's next, the Archbishop of New York entering into a murder for hire contract against a child molester?

Sending Your Babies off to College

Parents, many of you have just sent your little baby off to college for the first time or are just about to. In honor of this, I thought it may be worthwhile to fill you in on just a glimpse of some the extremely stupid shit that I did in college while drinking or observed of others while they were drinking. At least what I can remember of it. I am guessing it will probably make your mind wander at bit if it hasn't already. Remember, a little independence and a good bit of alcohol can go a long way.

I came up with 40; these are in no particular order. Also, if you were there with me and recognize yourself in any of these congratulations.

1. I kissed girls I never would have had I been sober.
2. I fell on a beer soaked fraternity basement floor. I am guessing this happened more than once.
3. I watched someone get bit on the face by a boa constrictor. That was hilarious. What an asshole.
4. Drunk on the way to a formal, I fell into some bushes. Was pulled out by my date with help of my tie.
5. Rode with a keg and 12 other guys in the back of a Ryder truck from Penn State to the University of Kentucky. ( long story for another day.)
6. Had to account for a previous evening by looking at ink stamps on the back of my hand.
7. Once rooted through a girl's purse to find out her name after we had sex.
8. I saw someone drink a big swig from a beer filled with cigarette butts.
9. On a different night, I saw the same person pick a bong off the the table and drink from it.
10. I many times donned a Gumby suit for no particular reason.
11. On one special occasion, I woke up on my hall floor in said Gumby suit.
12. I got blow jobs from ugly girls I never would have talked to when sober.
13. I fell in mud on way to a party. I sure this happened more than once, possibly in that same night.
14. I saw a girl climb from one hotel balcony to another in order to get a better picture. This was on the 25th floor.
15. Caught one of my friends dancing with a bunch of girls with a gigantic hard on.
16. Caught same friend doing it again after he'd been humiliated for doing it the first time. Will forever be called the "Dancing Boner"
17. Had loud sex with other people in the room. Sound is apparently not deadened because it's dark.
18. Spent $80 on half price drinks with just one other person.
19. Rode with keg and 12 other guys in back of a Ryder truck from Penn State to the University of Tennessee. (also long story for another day)
20. Did "Walk of Fame" back from the dorms to where I lived, many times.
21. Laughed at girls doing the "Walk of Shame" back to the dorms, many times.
22. Hooked up with my roomate's girlfriend, not one of my finer moments. I know about 5 people are asking themselves, what that fucking me. It probably wasn't.
23. Passed out while formal date was giving me a blow job. She was not pleased to say the least.
24. Told date she would have to forcibly have sex with me if she wanted to because I was too drunk. She did.
25. Watched someone jump up and down on a telephone smashing it to bits in a drunken rage. I loved that phone.
26. Caught someone taking a crap in a urinal.
27. Watched roomates throw a refrigerator off third floor roof. It hit a tension wire for a telephone pole and almost knocked it down.
28. Threw up in a washing machine; seemed like a good idea at the time.
29. Found a guy passed out, buck naked, lying face down in a fraternity foyer with his driver's license and student ID stuck between his ass cheeks.
30. Had sex with ugly girls I never would have had I been sober. Do you see a theme here.
31. At a party, I ate a bunch of goldfish.
32. At same party, I watched a girl down 10 goldfish in one big beerbong.
33. A bunch of us watched a friend having sex with a girl from a balcony window.
34. He realized we were watching and pretended he was riding a bucking bronco in a rodeo.
35. Had sex in a sorority suite during normal business hours.
36. Saw girl in wheel chair passed out drunk, more than once. Same girl if you are wondering.
37. Got a tattoo at a trailer park in Florida while on spring break. Dodged a bullet in the disease department on that one.
38. Snuck out of someone's room because I didn't want to be there when they woke up.
39. Walked through a packed party in just my boxer shorts.
40. Stole sex tape of my friend's roomate and her boyfriend and showed it to easily 1000 people.

As I said, this is just a glimpse. I'll try and think of more and put them in another post. And this was over 10 years ago before digital cameras were main stream and girls kissing was cool. Oh yeah, if any of you have some good ones you'd like to share please do.

I am Screwed at Work

Screwed at work? I wish it was in a good way, but alas it isn't. They guy that works for me, I'll call him Boy Friday, has decided take a position in another department. On the the one hand (this hand being the good boss trying to develop his employees into better ones), I am extremely happy for Boy Friday. The new position is a good bump up and great for him career wise. He's an excellent employee does exemplary work and always busts his ass. On the other hand (this hand being the lazy good for nothing boss that delegates every bit of work possible to his staff), I hope that the new job really sucks and that he comes crawling back on his hand and knees begging for his job back.

Needless to say, until I replace Boy Friday and then get his replacement fully trained, my life is going to be an utter hell. First off, all of the crap work that i shluffed off on Boy Friday is coming full circle right back to me. Second, all the people that piss me off with their stupid suggestion box ideas are going to start calling me instead of Boy Friday acting as buffer. And worst of all, I go from having 2 direct reports back to having 7 or 8. While I don't mind the day-to-day management of these people, I detest writing their performance reviews. To top it off, one of the employees I am getting back is Doris whose main purpose in life is to drive me insane.

Well I'm going to try and figure how the fuck I am going to get all of this work done over the next few weeks/months. Actually, I should probably go and find some cheese to go with all this whine I have.

Hot Moms Buying School Supplies

Guys, if you are looking for something fun to do during your lunchbreaks over the next two weeks, I definitely recommend hitting the office supply stores. There are literally hundreds of scantily clad hot women buying school supplies for their kids. I went to OfficeMax today to pick up some of the last two or three items needed for the kids school supplies and it was a veritable MILFarama. We're all done shopping now, but I my hit the Office Depot tomorrow just for kicks.

Also, to you fuckers in education that come up with the school supply lists, can you please explain something to me? What the hell does it matter if The Boy who is in second grade by the way uses a four inch glue stick vs. a three inch glue stick. I know he doesn't give a rat's ass. Does anyone else besides me think that the particularity of the school supply requests is just fucking insane? It seem like that the people that set them up, purposely pick the most obscure things possible so you have to run to 5 or 6 different stores to find everything. If I find out it's because you are on the take with the retailers, I will come over with my 6" (not 5" mind you) protractor and stick it up your ass.

The Casual Friday & The Rooster Snort

Found an extremely funny blog today; check it out if you have the chance....

The Casual Friday

When the Mick, Rooster and I ride the train, the hilarity of the conversation or antics on the train is directly proportional to the number of times we can get the Rooster to snort when she laughs. Because of this, I've decided to implement the "Rooster Snort" rating system. The Casual Friday gets a 4 out of 5 Rooster Snorts.

I love boobs. Have a good weekend.

Metra: It Boggles the Mind

Yesterday the Mick and I were relaxing from a hard day's work on the train. I'm having my customary bourbon on the rocks, Jim Beam Black, yum. Sitting two seats in front of us is FRG (Fat Religious Guy) and CFG (Cute Foreign Girl). They are blabbering on about some annoying topic that I can't remember. The only saving benefit is that CFG is facing towards me rather than FRG. Oh now I remember, FRG was bragging about that the finicial wizard he was in college accounting. He said that it was the first time that any student in this professor's class had aced every single question and test in a semester. I am thinking that from the look of his too small LeTigre shirt and threadbare Dockers that he's clearly put this finiancial genius to work in later life. Maybe he's was like the Rain Main and the toothpicks dropping on the floor.

But I digress. So, about two minutes later another very cute girl comes in and sits down on the other side of the aisle about a seat farther than FRG and CFG. Well wouldn't you know it, Cute Girl 2 starts talking to FRG. And then to top if off, when CFG gets up to leave, CG2 gets up from her seat and moves over to sit with FRG. I am still reeling with amazement. I may of missed something with FRG. He beginning to look like the next David Koresh. I'll try and keep you posted on further developments of his cult following. A picture may be in order as well.

Houston We Have a Problem

I watched Apollo 13 last night so I have space on the brain today. Great movie by the way if you've never seen it. But all is definitely not right in Mudville today.

Today, Asshole Lawyer and I went to the barber to get haircuts. And yes, I realize that this probably puts us one step away from being the biggest homos in the entire world. But, I don't have the regular use of a car at work so I must rely on the kindness of others from time to time.

Well if you remember from a previous post, my regular barber guy, Serge, went and quit on me a couple of months ago. So, I was forced to go find another barber. Well the new one I've been going to has been pretty good until today that is. The way this shop works is that you put your name on the list and then one of four barbers cuts your hair in order on the list. You can suggest someone in paticular. But since I don't have a preference at this point, I just go with the first come first serve method. I may be rethinking that little theory after today.

Today, when my name came up on the list, a woman named Maria was the one who got to cut my hair. Well Maria and I had a little confusion about the clipper setting that I get my hair cut with. Now, I am going to admit fully that it was probably my fault. When I got my hair cut by Serge, I just told him to clipper cut it with a two. And I just generally assumed that the two setting it pretty standard in the barber industry. Apparently, it's not because the one that Maria cut my hair with is much much shorter than was done previously. Subsequently, all my hair is much much shorter than it ususally is. In fact, I look like I am ready for boot camp. It also for whatever reason, makes the gray much more evident. That may also be because my wife and kids drive me so nuts that it's just getting grayer and grayer by the minute. Next time I will definitely have a more lengthy discussion about the cutting length.

Metra: Various Shit

Yesterday, I had a meeting at a law office in the city so I took the train all the way from my home in the northern burbs down to Union Station. While I don't envy the people that do that commute every, it's not bad doing it every once in a while. Probably the best thing is that the people watching in the city is a thousand times better than on my commute to the suburbs. The Talent alone is worth the trip. I saw more hot girls yesterday in couple of hours than I can see in an entire Summer under normal commuting conditions. And just to recap, I love the hot weather.

Another benefit of the long commute is that you get to eavesdrop on people's conversations for twice as long of the long on the train. Here are some random samplings...

Fat Religious Guy- I discovered that Fat Religious Guy is twice as annoying on the longer trip. Yesterday, he droned on for the entire way about the difference between ethnic Jews and religious Jews. I'm sure that he offended at least 20 different people with the bull shit he was calling out.

Really Stupid Girl- After further consideration and the urgings of Mick and Rooster, I am renaming the previously nicknamed, New Hot Girl, Really Stupid Girl. The was done for two reasons. First, if you get a real good look at her, she's really not that hot. Yes, she has her moments, but the majority of the time she just isn't there. Second, she really is as dumb as a box of rocks. Every time she opens her mouth her IQ seems to just drop lower and lower.

Cute Foreign Girl- I discovered yesterday that the cute girl sitting with Fat Religious Guy was not there by mistake, but intentionally. I've also discovered that she's got a really strong European accent making her now Cute Foreign Girl. My only reasoning for her sitting with him is that she can't understand a fucking word he says to her.

I.- I. is not really a new character on the train but worth mentioning. She gets on the train just about ever afternoon with us. She's worth mentioning because she has an absolutely fabulous body and wears outfits that definitely show it off. Rooster will even confirm this one for me. In fact, I am still waiting for the skin tight stretch pants that Rooster gave us the play by play on couple of weeks ago. Now she could use a slight bit of work in the face department but her figure more than makes up for it. She also asks about me whenever I am not there. This is definitely and ego stroke as far as I am concerned.

Besides the cast of characters above, I was also lucky enough to meet up with Large Mexican Family. Large Mexican Family got on the train just after we left Chicago. There were what seemed like 25 of them, I am guessing there were only like 4 or 5. To make things even better each of them had a piece of luggage with them. Then to top if off I was caught with the kiss of death that I am stuck with on a regular basis. Some of you probably know what I am talking about. As an example, I walk into a hair cut place and there are 5 hot girls there with gigantic boobs and one gay guy. You can probably guess what's going to happen but of course I am going to get the gay guy to cut my hair. Now I realize that there's nothing wrong with that and I am probably going to get a better haircut anyway, but there's something to be said with nice boobs being crushed on your shoulder. Well the same thing goes with The Large Mexican Family. There are five people, two of which are drop dead gorgeous latino women. And who do I draw the loser card on but the Stinky Mexican Father. Go figure. Does anyone else draw the short straw like I do on a regular basis.

Blogger Twins = The Amazing Race?

A couple of bloggers called The Blogger Twins are trying to get a spot on the next Amazing Race by publicizing their cause on their blog. Since the carrotpenis' are huge (yes huge) fans of The Amazing Race, I am going to support their cause. Please check out and link to their site at http://www.bloggertwins.com/.

Metra: Inane Quote o' the Day

Mick and I were riding home in the bar car yesterday minding our own business. Well, minding our own business is certainly a matter of interpretation. Perhaps having a bourbon on the rocks and checking out the freaks in the bar car is more accurate. When out of no where Kermit starts spouting off about how some of the other bartenders on the train close the bar car early. Big Italian Guy who bartends occaisonally keeps the bar open until the last possible stop on the line.

As some background information, Kermit is this idiot that rides in the bar car on the train just about everyday. He's the worlds expert know it all on nothing that anyone would ever care about. He also has a disgusting habit of eating a very large bag of potato chips and then letting everyone on the train stick their grubby hands in the bag to eat out of it. Nothing like having greasy mechanic hands in the bag of chips before you.

Well as Kermit launched into his diatribe about unfairness of the bar closing earlier, this little quote comes out of his mouth, "Are you running a bar or a God damn free for all!". Can anyone tell me what that means? Cause I have no fucking idea. This just further solidifies the my opinion that he is a gigantic moron.

P.S. I am guessing that every driver on the road is thankful that Kermit doesn't have the opportunity to swill another beer down his gullet on the days when the bar closes at normal time.

Train Friends Lunch

Late last week, Rooster, Mick, Bobby and I did one of our infamous "Train Friend" lunches. About once or month or so a group of us that all ride the train get together and have lunch. Usually, they start out innocent enough as friends from the train getting together for a quick bite and some pleasant conversation. But inevitably the conversation turns south and lunch turns into us laughing our asses off while other tables give us dirty looks. This time was certainly no different.

Before I fill you in on the crazy conversation let me give some props to the choice of eatery. Since Bobby's company was picking up the tab, we decided to go slightly upscale with P.F. Changs. I've eaten at Changs a few times and can't say enough good things about it. Service has always been excellent and the food is to die for. I highly recommend the chicken lettuce wraps and the kun pao scallops. Overall, I give it 4 out of 5 on the carrotpenis rating scale.

Now back to the lunch conversation. First, we get this perky little waitress with great boobs named Marissa who is an absolute hoot. She was fully involved in our conversation the whole time and at one point squeezed her boobs to make a point about something funny she was telling us. Cute waitress touching her own boobs at our table is win win as far as I am concerned.

The demise of the lunch time conversation this time happened about 30 seconds after we got there with Mick telling a fantastic story about his brother's bachelor party gone really bad. Here are some random highlights. First the party was supposed to be pretty big with 35 or 40 people but only about a dozen ended up showing up making is somewhat pathetic. The party was held in the dank basement at the brides parents house. Yes, you heard that one correctly, the bride's parent's house. Mick said that there were two disgusting brown couches that he was afraid to sit on. Stripper number one showed up over 90 minutes late. And he said that this little cutey had more prison tats than you could shake a stick at. To make matters worse the bride's dad asked loudly in front of everyone how much it would be for the stripper to take a piss on the groom. EWWW! I certainly wouldn't want to know that my father-in-law was a "Golden Shower" sort of guy. Then stripper number two shows up with a dildo attached to a DeWalt power drill. For $300, she was willing to let the groom use it on her.

Well after that little story things started to go quickly down hill as everyone shared stories of their favorite bachelor/bachelorette party moments. First, Rooster shared an oldie but goodie about seeing two Prince Alberts at the same bar in one night. It still amazes me that someone could turn a bar conversation in such a way to make it okay to drop their pierced schlong onto the table for everyone to see. But hey, what do I know. This was followed by Bobby's story of physically pushing his father out of the way so that he didn't find out that some guys were doing coke in the bathroom and then hiding the lines on the back of the toilet underneath a flower pot.

Needless to say we were once again laughing our asses off the entire time (Rooster even snorted a couple of times.) and the entire restaurant was looking at us. Can't wait for our next outing.

Company Suggestion Box

If you've been reading for any length of time, you probably caught one of my jags about the Suggestion Box at my place of work. We have this on-line Suggestion Box on which people make the most outlandish suggestions that they think should be taken seriously. Being the smartass that I am, I can't resist poking a little fun at them. Here goes...

Suggestion #1- The first suggestion from this round was actually mine and I still can't believe they answered it seriously. To give you some background, there were like 5 different suggestions from people asking if women could wear Capri pants as business casual attire. Since the business casual guidelines are extremely lenient towards women's fashions already, it irritated me that they were trying to be even more greedy. What's next after all, Flip Flops. So, trying to be an asshole, I submitted the following:

With all the serious consideration going on about Capri pants, I thought this would be a good time for a suggestion regarding men's apparel. As a man on hot days, I find that wearing heavy cotton pants extremely uncomfortable. After doing some research I discovered that kilts are making an emergence in the US. They are not only comfortable, but can be fashionable as well. Please consider adding them to the business casual dress code. For your convenience, I have included a link that shows what I am talking about.

http://www.scotch-corner.co.uk/highlanddress/catalogue/index.cfm?items=2271

Well wouldn't you know they responded to my suggestion like it was a serious one. Here's the response...

At this time, Capri pants, kilts, and before anyone asks, Bermuda shorts, do not reflect the professional image that "Company Name Here" would like to preserve. As we continue to grow, the company will evaluate policies that will benefit both the company and its employees.

Damn Bermuda Shorts that was even better than the Kilts. Sorry, I didn't think of it.

Suggestion #2-

I find some of the responses to submitted ideas for the suggestion box to take on a rather condescending tone. This could possibly deter creative thinkers from submitting ideas. A "friendlier approach" might be considered.

Do you think this person could possibly be reading my blog entries and confusing them for the actual suggestion box? Well here's my unofficial response to that one....

Dear Whiny Bitch, I'm sorry if us saying no to your stupid idiotic ideas appeared condescending. Next time we will try and blow some sunshine up your ass before we say no to you. How does this work for you. While your idea to have flowered drapes in all of the offices was certainly one of the greatest ideas we've ever heard in our entire lives, we are just not able to work that into budget this year. Was that better dipshit?

Look forward to more stupid suggestions down the road. It appears it's going to be a bevy of material.

Vacation Pictures: Washington Monument

Is it just me or does anyone else think that this is just about the world's biggest phallic symbol? Did George Washington by chance have a big schlong?

Great America: Fashion Talk

On Friday, my company had their annual corporate picnic at Great America in Gurnee, Illinois. We got free admission to the park with a catered dinner in their picnic area plus $10 in spending money per person. The Wife and I took The Girl and The Boy there for the day. We had an awesome time. The Boy and I went on just about every ride he was tall enough for. And The Wife and The Girl went and caught some of the shows that they like so much. Overall a fantastic family bonding experience.

Great America is also prime real estate for one of my all time favorite activities, people watching. No matter where we go, I just can't get enough of observing people in their natural environment especially the freaks and losers. But an amusement park is definitely in the top three or four of my favorite places to do it along with airport, baseball game, and county fair. It never ceases to amaze me what people think is fashionable either. Here are some highlights...

• Apparently neck tatoos on women are in this year. Crudely done boyfriend names appeared to be the most popular. I wonder if The Wife would get "Carrotpenis" in script on hers.
• Large obnoxious back tatoos were probably a close second. All I can think of now when I see one is Vince Vaughn from Wedding Crashers saying it might as well be a bullseye.
• Suprisingly and especially in light of us being so close to the Cheddar Curtain (the Wisconsin border for those of you not in the know), there was a lack of mullets this year. I think I only saw one the entire day. Very disappointing. Maybe everyone was Muskie fishing.
• Big stomachs and belly button piercings are not as fetching as one might think. It just screams, look at me, I'm a big fat ass.
• Same goes for really tight belly shirts. No one wants to see a roll like that unless there's butter on it.
• Matching air brushed t-shirts were very popular.
• As were matching pro basketball outfits. I really got to get me one of those Iverson jerseys.

The crazy shit that people wear just kills me.

Week in Review

Boy have I been a slacker this week with posts. Works has gotten extremely busy and I've been reading the new Harry Potter book at home. It's extremely good thus far. Here are some random highlights from the week to take you through the weekend...

• Crazy Doris, the kitchen lady at my office was trying to force me to eat meatballs that had been sitting in a conference room for almost two hours. I actually had to run away from her to escape.
• On the train, I inexplicably starting singing Kung Fu Fighting and then Rooster informed me that an Asian women had just walked by. I am such a jackass.
• Also on the train, Fat Religious Guy, had another unsuspecting cute girl trapped. He was rambling on in his bible speak and she looked like she wanted to crawl out of her skin. Big surprise, she wasn't there the next day. I swear that son of a bitch scares all the hot girls out of the Bar Car.
• Rooster, Mick, Bobby, and I went to Bennigans for lunch yesterday. Bobby was telling us a hilarious story about a fight he saw in a hotel lobby between some wedding guests in tuxedos and and bunch of long hairs coming back from the Queensryche concert. I almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard; and everyone in the restaurant was looking directly at us.
• Rooster continues to prove what a great friend she is by pointing out no less than 10 hot women in various states of undress for Mick and I to look at. She's got a great eye for those things.
• This morning on the train I caught a semi-attractive woman checking me out. That made my day; hell who am I kidding, that will probably carry me right through the weekend.

Well gotta run, today is our company picnic at Great America amusement park in Gurnee. I hope to regall you with stories of great people watching tomorrow. Everyone have a great weekend.

The Proof is in the Pudding

My friend Rooster posted this link in the comments section of the previous post but I thought it was worth listing on the main site. This link takes you to about 150 pictures from the Mardi Gras Party I talked about in the previous post. It looks like an insane time and will I spend the rest of the year plotting on how to swindle the Wife into going to this one next year. Enjoy! By the way I couldn't find any pictures of either of my coworkers on there.

http://www.funonthefox.com/gallery/thumbnails.php?album=76&page=1

P.S. Rooster, big thanks for searching this one out!

People You Work With

You sometimes forget that the people you work with have very different lives outside of work. And there's nothing like a hilarious experience to give you a reminder.

A guy that I work with was partying with his wife and some other friends in an area called Chain O' Lakes not far from where I live and work. If you're not from the Chicago area, it's a large lake resort area where a whole bunch of different lakes link together through various waterways. It gets extremely crowded on the weekends and big groups of boats tie up with each other to enjoy the sun, water and of course have some drinks.

This weekend they had a big Mardi Gras celebration complete with Hurricanes, scantily clad women, and of course beads. I'm betting you are starting to see where this one is going. As things progressed and the drinking started to takes it's effect, many women started to feel that it was perfectly acceptable to wear pasties in place of their bikini tops. My co-worker certainly didn't mind the added scenery.

At one point he and his wife were standing in waist deep water by their boat drinking some beers and having a good time when a woman with only pasties on for a bathing suit top comes up and asks if his name is ********. He replies that it is. She then tells him that he needs to come over to her boat and see something. While his wife is not too happy about this situation, he decides to go with her anyway. When they get over to her boat there is another woman there in the same state of undress leaning over the side. While he doesn't recognize her, she instantly says hi and calls him by name. A second later, his jaw drops open and his eyes bug out of his head when he realizes it is a woman that works in our office who you completely would not expect to be there especially in thong, no top and stickers on her nipples. He said that he made a quick escape back to the safety of their boat to avoid any further embarrassment.

It again goes to show that things are never as they seem.

Note: If you know me, please consider this as a "Code of the Road" story. I will not divulge the names so don't ask.

Cross Dressing

Cross Dressing

On Sunday, my parents had picnic at their house. It was a reunion of all the families that we grew up with in our neighborhood. Many have moved away so it was great to get together and catch up with what everyone has been up to. As in typical Carrotpenis fashion there were cocktails involved. I introduced a bunch of people to Vox Raspberry. If you've never tried it, I highly recommend it. It's a real treat. Well let me tell you, after a few Vodkas on the Rocks the true side of people tends to come out.

Jersey Shore!

Jersey Shore!

Last Saturday, the Wife and I packed up the kidlets and headed down to the Jersey Shore, about an hour and a half from my parents house. We landed in Ocean Grove, New Jersey which I have to tell you was fantastic. We had a great time. The beach was clean, no broken beer bottles or cigarette butts anywhere. Lot of families and very few Guido jackasses that tend to frequent the Jersey Shore. There was a Boardwalk but it didn't have any of the cheesy air brush t-shirt vendors like you get in Wildwood or Seaside Heights. And even better I only saw one Banana Hammock the entire time we were there which was a great relief.

That said, people for whatever reason just aren't aware of how much girth they are throwing around and tend to dress inappropriately. I snapped a pic of this cutie walking by us while we were building a sand castle. I'm sorry, but your a one piece sort of girl. Let's leave something to the imagination, huh.

Hey Nice Beaver!

Hey Nice Beaver!

We had a fabulous time on the Carrotpenis road trip. On our way to New Jersey, we passed through scenic western Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania is loaded with nice beaver. There's Beaver College, a town called Beaver, a county called Beaver and yes even a Beaver Township as you can see from the picture above. Just great Beaver everywhere.

While visiting Beaver Township, we stayed at the Days Inn and let me tell you it was a fucking dump. I am now extremely sorry that I didn't take a picture of it. The only thing it had going for it was that it wasn't in a bad neighborhood. Mrs. Carrotpenis had to take a sleeping pill in order to make it through the night. When you are traveling on the road you end up staying at random places, it's inevitable. However, you expect a certain level of service when you stay at a national chain like the Days Inn. This joint fell way short. This is the Days Inn in south Youngstown, PA. Avoid this piece of shit at all costs.