Tenacious D Ruins a Family Fire aka The Brain Fart Story

Men, and I am totally stereotyping right now, love FIRE! They just can get enought of it. Their adoration of it all starts at around 5 years old when they get their asses beat for playing with matches; it moves on to blowing things up with fire crackers and bottle rockets as adolescents; then somewhere around adulthood they need to pick a path and either become firemen, arsonists or sit their asses on lawn chairs in the driveway drinking beer around the fire pit. I as most of you know have chosen the latter. Well this is where our story begins.

If you live in or around Chicago you'll know exactly what I am talking about. You know in the Spring when you have that first 80 degree day that falls on a Friday or Saturday and you think that all is right with the world. Winter hasn't quite left yet but damn you sure can see Summer coming. You get that happy feeling where you can just sit outside for the entire day enjoying the weather and you never want it to end. Well a couple of months ago, we had just such a day. And of course we didn't want it to end, so what do we do, the most logical choice of idiot male suburbanites, have a fire. See I did have a point there.

This was not just any male bonding fire either. All the players were there, Cowboy, The Voice of Reason, The Fat Bastard, and Mr. Jones to name a few. There were also some prospective rookies, Big Jim, Stay at Home Larry, and the star of our story Tenacious D. We were all having a really great time. The wives and offspring were all there as well. Everyone was having a grand time imbibing tasteless domestic beer from the can and regalling each other with stories of our youth.

Since I haven't mentioned it yet, the event was being held at Cowboy's. Cowboy lives in a nice quiet neighborhood but has the unfortunate luck to live on a street that gets used as cut through from one side of the neighborhood to another nearby neighborhood. Since people are only cutting through, they very little respect for any speed limits and have no problem going 50mph on a 25mph street. With all the kids running back and forth between the houses, this is potential recipe for disaster.

Well after the beverages were flowing for quite some time, there were a whole bunch of guys standing out by the street when the third car of the evening comes absolutely screaming down the street. Immediately, everyone starts yelling to slow down. Then in his infinite wisdom Tenacious D. decides it will be a good idea to spray his nearly full beer all over the offending vehicle. Unfortunately for the driver as I stated earlier, it was a really nice day and the windows were down. The car then hits the brake and jams in into reverse. Suddenly, there are a dozen nearly sober guys standing by the open window of the beer covered car. The driver it turns out is a foul mouth 17 year old girl. And boy is she pissed, covered in beer and swearing a blue streak. This goes on for a few seconds until she realizes she talking to a bunch of idiots who don't care what she is saying; she then speeds of down the street into the darkness to endanger other children.

Wouldn't you know it, five minutes later two of small town's "Finest" show up with the lights ablazing. I am surprised that they didn't have the sirens going. First to arrive on the scene is Police Woman and definitely not Angie Dickinson Police Woman either. This is more like Ma Kettle police woman. She might as well of had a donut sticking out of her mouth. Then quickly following is her partner, Barney Fife. Well Barney begins by questioning the mob as to what exactly happened. In true Goodfella's fashion everyone just dummied up and acted stupid. I know, big stretch. At one point after becoming frustrated that things were going nowhere in the hot investigation of the beer thrower, Barney actually used the phrase "Brain Fart". As in, "I see that everyone here has had a bit of a brain fart and can't remember anything." This elicited some laughter from the crowd as we wondered if brain fart could be used on a police report.

After a stern lecture from Barney and Police Woman about not using vigilante tactics to quell speeding in the neighborhood, they drove off leaving us to laugh and laugh at Tenacious D.'s near arrest for what I am sure would be any number of trumped up charges.

You've think you've seen it all

I just saw a blind guy mowing the grass and he wasn't missing at all.

Cold sober, I can still find misses after I am done, go figure.

Still Kicking!

Thanks to everyone who has been poking their head in randomly and emailing to see if I am still alive. I honestly haven't been in the mood to do a post in really long while. And the absolute whirlwind that has been happening at work and at home certainly hasn't helped either. Well after the urgings of some friends; I think mostly just to get rid of that giant ass picture currently at the top of the blog. I have decided to give the posting thing another go. At the very least, it may be therapeutic for me, I am guessing that this will be at the expense of others. No hard feeling though.

I think it is probably best to start out with a random highlights to bring everyone up to speed on at least a little bit of what's been happening in the Land of Carrotpenis.

• Cowboy and I took a road trip down to Charlotte to see a NASCAR race; I know, we continue to solidify our "white trash" reputation. While not quite the debacle that happened at Chicago Motor Speedway last year, it was great fun. Jim and Jim's hot wife showed us an absolutely awesome time. The hospitality tent and skybox experience were absolutely over the top. I will have to say that Jim Beam needs to do a better job of interviewing their shooter girls; a fantastic body does not make up for and ugly face regardless of how perfect her boobs are.
• Went to Cub's Rooftop game with Cowboy. Does anyone sense a theme here? Baseball, Free Drinks and Free Food are a classic combination. Met gay couple who thought Cowboy and I were domestic partners, so to speak. Come on people, can't guys go out a couple times a week without their wives to hang out and watch sports on a regular basis without being accused of being gay, not that there's anything wrong with that. I do have to admit that the VOR did appear a little jealous when he found out we met new gay friends. Cowboy and I parlayed the cubs game into an entire day of drinking rounded out by the Cowboy and I at the Vine at around 10pm, much to the chagrin of some other patrons.
• I have been riding the train fairly regular lately; yesterday I got to ride with the Mick and Rooster. Rooster was in typical fashion the Queen of the Geriatric car lording over the elderly minions. Rooster, you better not back out on our lunch. Can't wait to have tater tots at Traxx next week, mmm love the tots.
• Have flown out to Westchester, NY twice in the past two weeks for complete bullshit business trips. Four days of travel wasted for 3 hours of meetings is complete crap. On one excursion though, I did a swing through of Phillipsburg, NJ, my old stomping grounds, to see the "Rents". It was really nice to catch up and see the old hometown. When I am there, I always catch myself looking at people around my age and wondering what they would like if they lost 40 or 50 pounds to see if can remember who they were. Am I wrong for doing that? My 20 year reunion is coming up in August; I am looking forward to what I imagine will certainly be a train wreck.
• The Fun's had a family bbq/adult drinking party not too long ago complete with a kegger and 200 jello shots. Nothing like a few jello shots do transform a casually drinking housewife into a "Dirty Girl". It was lots of fun. Someone, who will remain nameless, put the ass picture from the previous post below on all the neighbor's cars and in their mailboxes with a tagline that said property of Mrs. Fun on them. Not sure what that is all about or perhaps, I am. The neighbors were nice enough to return the pictures the next morning to Mrs. Fun's mailbox. I am sure that the postman enjoyed that one. Found out that I am really not that good at Sink the Bismark. Mr. Fun, I am still not sure that isn't a game that you made up on the spur of the moment. Is anyone else familiar with it? Mrs. Fun, could you please send the picture of Mrs. Carrotpenis grabbing Aussie Girl's boob?

I think this wraps up today's installment. As promised previously, look for an upcoming post where I will update you on how "Tenacious D. Ruins a Bonfire".