Bumper Sticker O' The Day

I used to play d&d before it was cool.

I wasn't aware that it is.

The Ugly Sweater Debacle!

Mrs Carrotpenis and I hosted a Ugly Sweater Holiday Party on Saturday which was an absolute laugh riot. About 70 of our closest friends showed up decked out in their ugliest sweaters. Mass amounts of alcohol were consumed and from what I remember of the evening everyone had a good time. Here are some pictures taken with Cowboy's camera. I will try and post some that I took later this week.

While I am not exactly sure what is going on here, Mrs. Carrotpenis appears to be tweaking Mrs. Cowboy's nipples. They are very friendly.


Here Mrs. Carrotpenis shoots whipped cream into our neighbor, Little T's mouth. There was a follow up picture to this one that decency precludes me from putting on the internet. I know the decency thing is a stretch but we'll go with that anyway.


In this one, the Fat Bastard is getting some special attention from Little T.


Two outstanding participants in the ugly sweater festivities. Mrs. Cowboy ended up winning best overall with her lime green and silver disk ensemble. Absolutely, hideous. Betty had this farm animal sweater that had the animals' asses on the back. I have a picture of that on my camera which I will post later.


Thanks to everyone who attended and made the party a great success. I am already in negotiations with Mrs. Carrotpenis for our 2007 party. I am suggesting we have an outdoor toga party. This idea, as you might suspect, is meeting with some resistance. If anyone has any other ideas, please pass them along.

50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex.

I found this post on http://tweekerchick.blogspot.com/ via I Hate My Cubicle and just had to post it. I also found another one called 50 Mistakes Men Make When Having Sex which I will post eventually. But since I have editorial control, I am going with this one first....Great Stuff.

The Politics of Fucking aka 50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex as told by TweekerChick....

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when hes touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.That is all.

What's Next in Air Travel Security?

I got this article on a email alert at work. Absolutely Hilarious!

Flatulence leads to flight diversion
It's not legal to light matches on a plane even if the object is to cover up a bad smell, an American Airlines passenger found. An American Airlines flight carrying 99 passengers had to make an emergency landing in Nashville after passengers reported a strange scent that smelled like struck matches. All 99 passengers and five crew were taken off the plane and screened while the plane was searched. After being questioned by FBI officers, a Dallas woman on the flight "admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal body odor," writes The Tennessean. The woman apparently "had been striking matches to mask evidence of a troubled digestive system." The Washington Ronald Reagan National-to-Dallas/Fort Worth flight eventually took off again, but the woman was not on board. "American has banned her for a long time," said Lynne Lowrance, a spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority. No charges were filed against the woman. Though it is illegal to strike a match in an airplane, it is perfectly legal to carry them, as long as they stay unlit. Report by David Wilkening

Drunken Halloween 2006! Party 1

Mrs. carrotpenis and I went to a total of three Halloween parties on Saturday night. The first party we went to wasn't actually a Halloween party; it was a 40th birthday party for one of my friends. Who the hell has a non dress up party the weekend before Halloween, I'll never know. In typical carrotpenis style though, we went dressed up anyway. Who wants to miss any party/drinking time by getting changed midstream. To offset this though we purposely stood right by the front door to fuck with people coming in and make them think they were supposed to dress up. That was good fun.

Here's a picture of Mrs. carrotpenis from before we went out. She's a beautiful zombie cheerleader, isnt she? Save the cheerleader, save the world....

Drunken Halloween 2006: Party 2

The second party we went to was at our friend, Johnnie B's. He built this fantastic haunted house in the garage. While not as scary as last year's, it was impressive. Recently divorced, Johnnie dressed up as The Bachelor complete with roses for the girls. Hilarious! I still think the divorce lawyer or kissing cousins costumes would have been better though.

As I went through our pictures I noticed that most were fairly tame from this little stop. There was one of Mr. Fun dressed as a maturbator, complete with dark sunglasses and hairy palms. But I will spare you from that. Instead, here are some celebrities that showed up...One member of the Blue Man Goup, there were actually 4 people from the same family dressed up as Blue Men, but this one was by far the best. And K-Fed, complete with gold teeth grill which caused the wearer to have a speech impediment when he talked or perhaps that was the 20 or so Coronas that K-Fed had to drink.

Drunken Halloween 2006- Party 3, Part 1

Oh my gosh, where do I start....Party #3 was absolutely over the top. We purposely planned to go to this party last because it was right next door to our house and merely a stumble across the lawn and up the stairs. For this one you were told to either dress up as Goth or Night of the Living Dead. Well people went absolutely all out with their costumes as you can see from these pictures.

The first picture here is of the host and hostess. They made and force fed approximately 300 jello shots to their semi-willing participants. Well then things started to turn ugly. The misses and I left around 1:45am. Word on The Circle is that things kept raging until about 5:30am.

Drunken Halloween 2006- Party 3, Part 2

For a couple days, Nascar Girl, in the black costume has been asking Mrs. carrotpenis when her picture might show up on the internet. Well here it is and if you're good there might be a another one a little farther down. Here's a good example of how awesome the costumes were and how good looking the people in our neighborhood are.

Drunken Halloween 2006- Party 3, Part 3

Did I forget to mention the Fat Bastard was there? He was dressed up as Mr. Incredible. Here he is busting a move. Mrs. Fat Bastard was partner in crime as Mrs. Incredible. You can sort of see her off to the left. I honestly hope that no children got got see the Fat Bastard's portrayal of Mr. Incredible, because I am guessing there would be some therapy bills involved afterwards.

Probably the funniest part of the evening was when Mr. Incredible squeezed his fat ass underneath the semi closed garage door to make his entrance into the party.

One other tidbit worth mentioning from this photo is Mr. Jones who can be seen in the back ground. He was dressed as a box of wine from Swallowing Hills Winery with the wine spout right between his legs. I am betting he tried to get Mrs. Jones to drink right from his spout.

Drunken Halloween 2006- Party 3, Part 4

One of our neighbors who will now be know as the Naughty Spider (for obivious reasons) can be seen here flogging Mrs. Incredible aka Mrs. Fat Bastard. Did I mention that I think that jello shots are awesome!

Drunken Halloween 2006- Party 3, Part 5

If I haven't mentioned this previously, I have the best wife ever. Who else's wife is nice enough to kiss the neighbor wives and then let you post photos of it on the internet. Well I'm not sure that I actually asked permission to do it, but like most things that I do I'm sure she'll be cool with it.

In picture one here her and Mrs. Cowboy are in a very nice lip lock. I may use this one for our Christmas card this year. And in picture number two, it's her and Nascar Girl. Remember Nascar, if you are going to have a picture posted on the internet, it might as well be a good one.

Buffalo Wild Wings v. Tornado

Last night I went with Cowboy, Mr. Fun and Johnnie B to watch MNF at Buffalo Wild Wings in Round Lake.

Wouldn't you know it, there was a fucking tornado warning while they were there. A tornado warning for those of you lucky enough to not know means that a funnel cloud has been sighted and there is the distinct possibility of having your roof ripped off.

Well as soon as the warning was sounded the nice folks at BWW went around and pulled down the nearly see through window shades which made me feel incredibly safe. I'm positive the broken shards wouldn't have made it through. Then they made the announcement for everyone to move away from the windows. Well I don't know if you've ever been there but moving away from the windows at a BWW's is like getting away from the water when you are in the middle of Lake Michigan. So, basically we were fucked if a really big wind came our way. Then to top it off the satellite dish went out and the game went off. But I have to say that the be all to end all was that the waitress service deteriorated into nothing during the whole ordeal. Here I am waiting to be thrown through the air like that cow in the movie, Twister with an empty 23oz. Beer glass in front of me. Do you think it possible the taps had to shut down due to the wind? I'm at a loss to explain it. I would think that getting as many full glasses out there in a potential tornado is win win for the restaurant. I can already hear them saying, "I'm sorry sir but we can't give you a free beer because the tornado knocked it down. That's an act of God."

Well as you can see, I survived the whole ordeal and did manage to have another beer or three.

Car Ribbons

Typically, I really hate those magnetic car ribbons that cover a myriad of causes. I think that it is mostly because there are so many of them that they dilute any effect they might have.

Today though, I was driving behind someone that had an aqua blue one. On one of the sides it said, Support Strippers! Now that's a cause that I'd give a buck to.

Like Fine Wine.....

Remember that girl with the plain brown hair who was in your high school classes that you never took a second look at because she was built like a boy and really didn't stand out like some of the other girls.



Well, what if she turned out to look like this as an adult. You'd probably be kicking yourself right now, wouldn't you?





Cathy Loch is that girl for me. I am probably over stating things a bit though. Cathy and I were casual friends in high school. We probably never would have dated in a million years. I was generally an immature idiot, still am in fact. She was already dating older guys. I just think that it extremely ironic. So, remember boys that nerdy girl that's really quiet, might turn out looking like this.

If you want to see some more pictures of Cathy, check out her film site at www.goldcastlefilms.com.

Have a good weekend!

Labor Day: And the Winner Is!

Words simply cannot describe what is going on between The Fat Bastard and Mrs. Jones in this picture.

In this photo, Fresh conducts a mock dramatization of his wife's crash to the patio.

Runner Up for Best Labor Day Pic!

This is one of my prouder pictures of the evening. Here caught in mid flight is Mrs. Fresh trying her hand at stage diving. Below her is the unsuspecting Mr. Fresh. This resulted in big fall right onto the brick patio and a broken toe. Remember it's all fun and games to someone gets hurt. Actually, on second thought, it's was still all fun and games even after this. Please be sure to notice Mrs. Cowboy in the background doing some sort of Saturday Night Fever manuver.

Another Labor Day Pic!

Here's a great picture of Mrs. Cowboy and Mrs. Fresh busting a move to 80's music on the picnic table.

More Labor Day Pics!

Here's a picture of Dr. Jones who foolishly told Mrs. Fresh that he didn't want another shot. Mrs. Fresh gets what she wants. You'll notice that Dr. Jones is in medical scrubs. While I am certain he's done a few breast and pelvic exams, Dr. Jones is definitely not a real doctor. I'm still not sure why he got dressed up that way. Maybe it was to mend Mrs. Fresh's broken toe when she plunged from the table.

Labor Day Pics!

Here is a picture of the Cowboy recovering from his boob rub. Boy, Mrs. Fresh must sure like you. You'll notice that the beer didn't leave his hand and was kept upright at all times.

Labor Day Pics!

As I mentioned previously, Mr. & Mrs. Fresh had a blow out Labor Day party. There was tons of drinking and good times. And like the good friend that I am I made sure that Fresh got his digital out to document the shenanigans. Our first photo is courtesy of Mrs. Fresh and Cowboy. Mrs. Fresh, stand up hostess that she is, was rubbing her boobs san bra in anyone's face who would do a shot of Captain Morgan for her. Normally, I'm a Jim Beam guy but I'm willing to take one for the team once in awhile. This photo is right after the Cowboy's turn with the Captain. This is what happens when you get some overeager boob rubbing from Mrs. Fresh. I believe this resulted in a scraped knee for the Cowboy, but I don't recall him complaining about it.

You Can Take the Boy Out of Jersey

But you can't take Jersey out of the boy.....

You Are 73% New Jersey!

You are definitely Jersey. Well done, my friend. You are most likely from this great state, and you fit right in. Odds are, you love being Jersey!

How New Jersey Are You?

You Are 72% North Jersey

Dude, you're a real North Jerseyan! As such, you've probably been down the shore this summer, shopped at Garden State, taken the PATH into the city, and gone to at least one Bon Jovi concert. However your score does leave a little room for improvement...

The Ultimate North Jersey Quiz
Create Your Own Quiz

People Are Idiots

The bank that I have my account at has a combo drive up window and drive up atm line. The bank also has 4 other drive up bank lanes. Wouldn't you know it, everytime I go to the fucking place, some dumbass is doing some obviously complicated bank transaction like cashing in their welfare check for pennies which needs to be counted one by one in the atm lane when all four other lanes are open. Use your fucking heads people!

NASCAR Weekend Pictures

As promised awhile ago here are some pics from our Nascar Trip....

Here is our redneck compound. Notice the wing back leather chairs. I spent a number of hours sleeping off the night before in those chairs.

















Another shot of the compound. I took these on the last day because I was too drunk to remember to take them any other time. The flags were much more impressive when they were flying above the trailer but I think you get the idea.

















Here is picture of our fearless leader, Mr. Clean whipping up some vittles for us the first night we were there.

















Our lounging area. Notice the $500k motorcoach just across the way.

















This pretty much says it all.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation!

Wow, it has been a busy Summer and early Fall. Work continues to be a bear. I now know why people go into their work places and kill everyone. If I hear one more complaint about the "seating chart", I am going to bring in a paintball gun and shoot everyone who has made my life hell over the past few months. I'm not sure that one gun will be enough though.

Socially, the Carrotpenis' have been really busy as well. Much of our Summer revolved around having drinks with good friends and hoping the kids weren't burning the house down while we were. The trip to NASCAR with Cowboy and friends was a great time (see post below). We also attended/hosted a bunch of impromtu, magarita happy hour parties that often turned into foolish late nights before a day of work parties. At 37, you'd think I would know better but alas I am still a certified dumbass. Mr. & Mrs. Fun thanks for organizing those events.

Had a couple wild evenings with Cowboy, his wife, my wife and other various friends. One memorable one involved the four of us running the majority of the dinner crowd out a small Italian restaurant due to our boisterous behavior at the adjacent bar. The girls ended up dancing on said bar and Cowboy's wife gave me a fabulous picture of her cleavage which can be seen above. There are also some other fun pictures that I am unable to share due to confidentiality reasons. This is of course assuming that Cowboy's wife does not blab to Mrs. Carrotpenis about any of my drunken shenanigans i.e. passing out at Nascar for 150 laps of race after overserving self at the hospitality tent, ever again. Otherwise, all bets are off.

We went to a Labor Day party at Fresh's in our old neighborhood that was great fun. The Fat Bastard was there and insisted on going out and getting the ingredients for Jager Bombs (Jagermeister & Red Bull) after everyone at the party already had plenty to drink. Then proceeded to organize the polishing off of the entire bottle of Jager in like 15 minutes. Subsequent highlights after the Jager was consumed include the following debauchery...Cowboy blacking out for the next two hours including the ride home. Fat Bastard mooning the entire party much to the chagrin of his somewhat sober wife. The tearing of Fat Bastard's shirt off by Fresh's drunk wife. Again, much to the chagrin of Fat Bastard's wife. Cowboy and Fresh's wives table dancing to 80's music on an outdoor pinic table. And finally, the unsuccessful spontaneous stage dive of Fresh's wife off of the picnic table into Fresh's unsuspecting arms; which resulted in a plunge onto the brick patio and a broken toe. Yeah, nothing like a quiet evening in the suburbs.
I will continue to update you all with the rest of my Summer fun next time. I also promise to include some more pictures.

I Know! I Know!

I know there were promises of longer posts and pictures, but fuck that. I am out of the office all next week on VACATION and trying to leave with a good conscious. Well that isn't at all happening. Now instead of getting caught up a bit, I have to run over to an all employee meeting that lasts like two hours. The only upside is that they serve snacks and drinks (and alcoholic ones to boot) afterwards! Damn, and I promised myself that I'd show up sober for margarita night tonight. Well, that's not going to happen now is it.

In an effort, to make up for broken promises, I am going to share my blog find of the week. If you like pretty women like I do and you have an hour or so to waste, check out the the following blog...ChicksnBreasts! It show pictures of beautiful girls from various Flickr accounts. I recommend clicking on the links to the Flikr accounts of the pictures you like. There are usually a whole album of the same girls. Enjoy!

Top 10 Things Heard at NASCAR!

Cowboy actually contributed the majority of this one. I hope to have a longer post about the weekend along with pictures up shortly.

Top 10 Things Heard at NASCAR this weekend....

10. "Man, you can eat some corn!"

9. "Are you boys real cowboys?...I can't quit you!"

8. "Ever been to jail...the food sucks!"

7. "We're going to the white tent!"

6. "What are you looking at?"

5. "I'm sorry but were going to bed now and you'll have to leave!"

4. "How the hell did that chair miss those cars?"

3. "Move along please, nothing to see here!"

2. "Wow, you're the same age as my mom!"

1. "If you be my wing man, I'll take the mother!"

The Chase Car

Cowboy and I are in the chase car. Since the RV can't cover as much ground as we can, we stopped at Hooters in Downers Grove for a catch up beer. The scenery was well worth the stop. I hate the tacky panty hose the waitresses wear though. Can't they come up with something better?

Get ir Done!

I'm enroute to the mecca of white trash for this weekend, Joliet, IL. Six buddies and I are taking an RV to the NASCAR race. I expect there to be outright ugliness and if sober enough will do some posts from the Crackberry. Get ir Done!

I'm Going Blind!

I found this one on Tits & Toast and had a good a laugh about it. I also like the one that says "Everytime you masturbate a kitten dies!" I always feel sorry for all the kittens out there. Ha! Happy Almost Friday!

We Want the Lion!!!!

We Want the Lion!!! We Want the Lion!!!

For those of you who don't know, I did about a 6 year stint of what I like to call "honing my social skills!" at Penn State University in State College, PA. While I've certainly done a lot of growing up since then, I certainly did a lot when I was there.

In August, The Wife, The Girl, The Boy and I are all driving out to State College for the weekend. One of my fraternity brothers who lives there is having a blow out 10th anniversary party complete with J.R. Mangan playing on his back patio. It will be the first time that I've been there for any extended period of time since I left in May of 1995 to move out here to the northern burbs of Chicago. Over the past week, I have been finalizing plans for our trip out there. Then out of the blue today someone sent me one of those emails that starts with "You know you went to Penn State if...." Since I am feeling a bit nostalgic, here it is. I went through and added a few more to the list and have highlighted the ones that applied to me.

You know you went to Penn State if...

You've had a pony at the Skellar. (How about a whole case of ponies!)

You were attacked by a squirrel. I once saw one run up a girls back and then right down her arm to take an acorn that she was trying to feed to other squirrels. Fucking hilarious!

You've wondered why the heck anyone sits in the front row of class in the Forum building.

You tried to find a way into the tunnel system.

You've had your car towed away by Tennis' or Walk's.

You're ok with no name being on your jersey.

You were sure that Sharon or Deb had a crush on you.

You start to hold your breath before the drum major even starts running out for the flip.

You've been involved in a soda cup brawl with 10,000 of your closest friends.

You were half frozen after walking across Parking Lot 80 on the way to class from East Halls.

Someone tells you they lived on Beaver for three years and you don't think that's odd.

You long for your neighbors to come by chanting "tits on glass".

Every once in a while you just crave a Chicken Cosmo (and you know what it is).

You've ever had a Tonto's Demise, Original Sin, Cherry Bombs, or an El Nino.

You know what a monkey boy is.

You've called for a taxi and a 1984 Chevy Nova pulls up.

You've participated in THON.

When someone says "Teas" only one particular type of beverage comes to your mind and Lipton doesn't make it.

You've enjoyed the fine cuisine that was Cluck U Chicken.

You don't know the goddamn words.

You passed more than one class using Nittany Notes.

You know how to "penny lock" someone inside a room.

You've debated the validity and proper use of the terms "soda" and "pop" as well as "gum band" and "rubber band."

You've wanted, and gotten, the Lion.

You've enjoyed burritos as big as your head.

You participated in turning a yearly cultural and artistic event into an event synonymous with partying.

Sleeping through fire alarms is not so much a decision as it is a practice.

Being drunk at 2 pm at Cafe 210 is not sad but rather an honor and a privilege.

You've had to dodge an OPP van that's driving on the sidewalk.

You think of Calder Way as your personal outdoor toilet.

You're sure Velveeta and Green Eggs and Spam are almost big time.

You've ever taken the Loop to class.

You've ever been late to class because of the mass of freshmen that got on the Loop at East Halls, only to get off one stop later.

You're going to hell, because according to Gary the Willard Preacher, everyone at Penn State is going to hell.

You've ever wondered if the Willard Preacher knew something that you didn't.

You've decided the Willard Preacher was half nuts.

You still have uncountable and unpaid parking tickets from campus that you got because you were too lazy to walk.

You remember Uncle Chens General Tso's chicken.

You can call 867-5309, and actually have someone pick up on the other end.

You still have your IM Jerseys and occasionally wear them proudly.

You own a piece of Penn State clothing...for every day of the week...or month.

If you want to scream Hey! and clap your hands everytime you hear a cowbell.

You know what the hell "the Stacks" are.

You've ever laughed when a friend at another school told you that they couldn't imagine a better college experience.

You've drank Captain and Cokes out of a pitcher on Tuesday nights.

You've been to Movin' On.

Scheduled your courses in Spring so you could spend Friday afternoons sitting outside at the Cafe.

You had a Grad student teaching you a really hard Physics class named Bang Yi Yang and his first statement was "I not speak velly good englis".

Fast Break was not just a basketball term.

It seems odd for McDonald's to be busier at 6pm than at 3am.

Sideshow Bob was not just a Simpson's character.

You've been to Table Wars and seen the Phyrst Family.

Asking for "a Lager" can only be taken one way.

There's nothing odd about sitting in the balcony of the auditorium for class...or falling asleep there.

Still think the G-Man has the best wings you've ever had.

Think College Pizza is the best drunk food ever.

Grilled Sticky is part of your personal lexicon.

You know somebody who has either humped or urinated on that metal pig downtown.

You thought it was perfectly normal to sleep on the floor of The HUB Fishbowl in between classes.

You become outraged to find anyone charge more than a buck for a slice of pizza.

You say the name "Joe" and no last name is required.

Think Natural Light or Beast isn't actually that bad.

Know where country roads really take you home to.

You would go back and do it all over again!

Here are my additions....

You knew the $1 pitcher and 10 cent wing schedule by heart in order to conserve money.

You sold your books back before the end of the sememster to go to $1 pitcher and 10 cent wing night.

You know what it means to jump over the fence at the Lion's Den.

You saw Rusted Root at a fraternity party.

You've stopped at the bank on Friday to pick up a button.

You had to pick up a keg on Tuesday for a Wednesday night party.

You've drank Green Shit or Red Shit.

You've had Unidogs at 2:15am and thought they tasted good.

You've passed out after Friday Happies at the G-Man, but got up just in time for the fraternity parties to start.

You've slipped and fell on the tile floor at the Saloon.

You've gone to the Lion Shrine at 3am just for fun.

You've been asked to leave McClanahans for being drunk in the afternoon.

You've been to Beaver Stadium at night when no one was there or better yet had sex on the 50 yard line.

You've eaten gold fish at the Pink Elephant or had a beer at Taco Bell.

You thought that going out for half price drinks on Sunday night was perfectly acceptable.

If you can think of any others to add leave me a comment. Or if you want me to clarify any of them, I'd be happy to do so. Let's Go State!

Live from the Metra

Twice this week already, there has been no bar car on the train ride home. First of all, WTF is up with that? I can't imagine that the bar car breaks; there's really nothing to break. Or that they ever clean that rolling health department violation. So, where the hell does it go?

Well the lack of the bar car, forces me to look like an even bigger alcoholic than I already do since I'm probably one of the only people on the train who has brought their own cup, ice and vodka with them. Well at least I had a cocktail (or three) while the rest of the losers were dry for the evening ride home. Ha!

Yesterday, Fat Religious Guy was sitting in the same car as the Mick and I sans the his hot foreign cult members. He was sweating profusely even though the train car was very cool. I was afraid he was going pick that day to take his big heart attack digger. Mostly because I was in a hurry to get home last night. Luckily, it appears his body was just trying to get rid of some of the extra Mountain Dew in his system; because his big sweaty ass got up and lumbered off the train at the stop before mine.

The Rooster hasn't been around too much on the train with The Mick and me. She prefers to ride with the geriatric alcoholics one train earlier than ours. Apparently, The Mick and I staring at her boobs isn't enough for her. She demands more attention that that and the dozen or so lecherous "Sugar Daddies" do it for her. Oh, the free wine on Thursdays and free vodka on Fridays probably have something to do with it as well. Have I mentioned that The Rooster could probably beat my ass in a fight? Cock a doodle Do!

Just my luck this morning, I was running late for work. Then The Wife's crappy SUV with no AC had a very low tire when I went out the jump in it this morning. This meant I had to run to the Pakistani run gas station by my house to get air in the tire making me miss the direct train to the office. I then had to take two trains to get to work. To make matters worse, while I was at the transfer station waiting for the second train which was also late, the Senior VP called me on my cell phone to find out if I could come to his office for a conference call. I may play the lottery later, because apparently I am due.

Well I better run. My office is starting to look like a bomb went off.

It's Like Africa Hot!

The Boy and I spent Father's day on a Fun with Son weekend camping with the Cub Scouts at Camp Okarro in Wadsworth, IL. Here are some random highlights and observations from the excursion.

• First off it was really fucking hot, like Africa hot. And as luck would have it, Camp Okarro has zero places to cool off in the water unless you count the slime covered mosquito infested Lake Skippy. The Boy and I literally sweated our asses off by the end of the weekend. This was fine for me because I have plenty of ass to sweat off; but The Boy is just bone and gristle. Fortunately, like most 7 years olds he's also dumb and oblivious to any temperature changes.
• Since there was only one other father son combo from our pack there, we were put in the "Special" combo camp site with the other loser packs with only a few participants. Boy, that was a fun experience. My favorite co-camper of the weekend was Mailman Bob. Mailman Bob as you can guess is a mail man with 33 years of experience. In his spare time, he and his son Little Bob do Civil War renactments. They have their own uniforms. Bob had a full beard and looked like a skinny 60 year old Grizzly Adams. In addition to his Civil War interests, Mailman Bob also has a Beatles museum in his home which was featured on the show Wild Chicago. The reason I know all this is that Mailman Bob told me this about himself in the first 30 seconds I met him. He then didn't shut the fuck up talking about his quirky interests for the rest of the weekend. I now know more about Civil War renactments than I ever wanted to and feel very sorry for Little Bob.
• Our other two co-campers of the weeked were Rusty (I'm not making this up.) and Tom. Both were nerdy chemists from Abbott Labs which you as you can imagine is a recipe for fun and excitement. Both sat around all weekend and read sci-fi books (big surprise there, I know) while their kids ran around like idiots. Oh, I almost forgot. Tom in a moment of parental brillance left his annoying nephew Colin at the event for three hours while he ran home, showered and watched tennis. Hey, fuckface, it's called Fun with Son Weekend for a reason. Otherwise they'd call it Leave Your Dumbass Kid in the Woods Weekend.
• The Boy and I did all of the violent father son activities they had like shooting BB guns, Archery, and Sling shots. I am thinking of quitting my job and becoming a sniper after the performance I had on the gun range. Though, I think they may frown on the fact that I have the attention span of a humming bird.
• Can anyone explain to me why so many loser dad/kids end up in scouting? It's fun and they do a bunch of really cool shit. Yet, the losers of society end up participating in it. The majority of people there are the biggest pack of nerds ever. I know there's no chicks there, but you can meet them at other activities like sports. It's also of huge interest to the obese children and their fat parents. I saw this fat fucker put about a pound of mayonaisse on his sandwich while his fat ass father sat and downed to burgers in about 20 seconds. And people wonder why our kids are so heavy.

Well I better get to work here before the pile gets any bigger.

I Knew It!

You Are 62% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

How Evil Are You?

Tales from the Metra

I've been back to riding the Metra fairly regular as of late. The Metra for those of you not in the know is the name of the train lines that run from the suburbs to the city of Chicago. I am fortunate enough, however, to be able to use it to commute from my house in a far North suburb to my office in a near North suburb. It's a sweet deal actually!

Well yesterday the whole cast of charaters was in the bar car on the way home. Fat Religious Guy was there. The Beckster was there. St. Louis was there. Kermit and his famous bag of disgusting chips were there. Heavy D was there. Stacy or Tracy (I can never fucking remember.) the Movie Guy was there. It was a regular who's who of freaks and geeks riding the train. And of course the Mick and I were there. The only people missing were the Rooster and "I".

I'm beginning to think that Fat Religious Guy may be the leader of a cult. Perhaps even the reincarnation of David Koresh. He's alway got a least one hot looking foreign girl hanging on his every bible banging word. I've seen at least three different ones and they keep coming back for more. I find this very suspicious. If I hear anything about Waco, I may call the ATF so they can tranquilize him with one of those big elephant guns. It may take a big dart to bring him down though as that gigantic fucker is all hopped up on Moutain Dew. He drinks it right from the 2 liter bottle on the train. Yesterday, he had a bag with three reserve bottles poking out of it. I feel sorry for that heart of his and hope I'm not close by when he goes down for the count.

Note to self, think carefully about giving Heavy D any more cocktails on the train. Yesterday, I shared some of my Jim Beam minis with him and he got all salty talking about his brother-in-law. I want fun and humor on the train not stories of bitter family life. I can get that right at home.

The Mick and I saw this really fat guy with the smallest umbrella ever. It barely covered his gigantic melon. Reminded me of Chris Farley in "Fat Guy in Little Coat", but this time it was "Fat Guy with Little Umbrella!" Rooster, I think it was someone that works at your office. Then not two seconds later, we saw this guy wearing a Ralph Lauren Polo Shirt that had an enormous oversized Polo logo on it. It looked almost cartoonish it was so big. Like Flavor Flav wearing a big clock. Boy you must be really label concious to wear something like that.

Speaking of fashions, I am going to round out this post with a little tip. Ladies, I know that I've mentioned this in a post or two before because it's a personal pet peeve of mine. But since I've seen at least three instances of this blunder over the past few weeks it's obvious some of you out there need reminding. White panty hose and stockings only look good on about one in 50 million people and those people are all super models. The rest of you look like you have two big sausages under your skirt wearing high heeled shoes. It's not attractive even if you husband or significant other lied and told you he liked them. He probably just wanted you to give him a blow job anyway.

Well, I better run. The man needs his pound of flesh.

Stupid License Plate O' The Day

While driving to work, I just saw the nerdiest looking guy ever driving a small penis compensating Ford Mustang. His license plate read KEWL DAD! If you have to tell people, you probably need to rethink the title.

Sorry about the lack of posts. Life has been in a bit of turmoil with the move. Plus we still aren't back on-line at home. I have lots of funny shut to report and hope to start posting again next week.

Sent from my Crackberry Handheld!

All is Now Right with the World

Well probably not, but I know that it's a better place now that America voted and that ugly Goat Boy looking, Elliot Yamin is headed back from whence he came, hopefully never to be seen again. I am sure he has huge potential on the cartoon voice over circuit, but I just can't stand to look at him.

Stupid License Plate O' the Day

I SU U 2 - fucking lawyers!

Sent from my crackberry wireless while driving to work.

I Am the Pot!!!

I guess it's time to do another post. I was just about to mock the Rooster for not posting on a regular basis and low and behold I noticed that I was the proverbial Pot calling the Kettle black. It's been easily a week since my last little ditty so here goes...

• First a giant congrats to my loyal reader Evil Twin 1 and her hubby Heavy D. They just brought home their adorable bouncing baby boy, Antonio, from Guatemala. Their adoption saga was one for the record books but, finally things are all good. Yeah! Evil Twin. I bet you are almost back to your prebaby shape already. Also, I find it strange that the baby looks just like Squiggers. Conincidence, I wonder?
• America, WTF is going on with American Idol. Goat Boy remains and Chris leaves. I don't know that I can watch any longer. Kat, if you want to remain, you might want to pull out a sluttier outfit this week. That potato sack you wore for the first song isn't going to get you any extra votes.
• Sports Bra girl is on a three day stint at the gym. I love when Sports Bra Girl is there; it makes working out all the more fun. Sport Bra Girl as you can probably guess is the very pretty woman with great breasts who wears a sport bra when she works out at the gym. She is also nice enough to work out on the the elliptical trainer so there's a lot of up and down action going on. While she has a little bit of junk in trunk, she has a nice face and great upper body. I've also noticed that the sports bra she's wearing has been getting smaller and smaller each day this week. I am going tomorrow just to see if she's working out in pasties.
• It took me an unbelievable 105 minutes to get to work today and I only live 25 miles from the office. That averages out to like 14 mph. The speed limit on my street is the lowest of my entire trip and that is 25 mph. I simply cannot understand why the moment it rains in Chicago everyone turns retarded and can't drive. Now I can understand this happening when it snows because you have expats from the south and elsewhere that have relocated here and don't have a fucking clue what a snowflake looks like. But come on people it's rain, it rains everywhere, you must have driven in it before. Put your foot on the gas and go.
• The Rooster, Mick and I went to lunch at our newly reopened Zippy's this week. Rooster ogled some maintenance workers from UL while the Mick and I ogled the North Shore MILFs that were there with their ghastly little Polo clad children. Rooster is in Vegas this weekend and has promised us pictures from the topless pool at the Stratosphere. Personally, I am not going to hold my breath. If anyone is going to be there, be sure to look for her; she'll be the one with big lips and big breasts. Remember Rooster, whatever happens in Vegas, comes back and becomes a hilarious story for happy hour on the train. And I want a picture of the porn star.
• Tomorrow I am blowing off work to go down to the Cubs Game on a vendor boondoggle. Free Beer, Free Ride, and Skybox to boot. As long as we don't get rained out, things should be all good. My plan is go get some pictures to post on the blog. Stay tuned for those. Here's one from last years event!

Well I've got a report to get done before I leave today, so I gotta run. Hey, if you are reading, leave me a comment and let me know who's out there. Peace out!

Live from the Metra...

I was getting off at my usual stop this morning when I noticed a women sitting down with her birth control pills out of her purse. I thought this was a bit odd. She then proceeds to punch one of holder and dry shoot it into her mouth. I guess if you take the train every day it's a way to remember, but so is when you brush your teeth. I then come to realize that it is a woman I with. I then further begin to realize that she's not a person I ever wanted to imagine naked or worse yet, having sex. I'm glad I didn't eat anything for breakfast today.

Ladies or Guys for that matter, what do you think? Is a commuter train an appropriate place to take your birth control pills? I guess it really isn't that big of a deal in the scheme of things. I mean it's not like she was inserting a Today Sponge or anything. Maybe she was just advertising to the available men on the train her birth control status to lure someone in. Is that something women actually do?

Random Thought on American Idol

Does anyone else think that Elliot Yamin looks like Jim Breuer doing his Goat Boy impression on SNL?





I can barely look at him when he's on camera.

Buyer Beware...

As I mentioned in my prior post, the guy that purchased our house is a real prick. We've tried to be very fair during the whole negotiation but he clearly gets his rocks off by being as difficult as possible. Well now he's gone and pissed me off (see previous post) and I am now plotting ways to secretly make him sorry he was such a dickhead during the whole ordeal...Here are a few random ideas I'm thinking of. Let me know if you can think of anything devious to spring on him after he takes possession of his dream home.

1. I've further developed the retarded girl idea of from my last post and decided to tell her that they are huge Patrick Swayze fans and that his wife's name is Christina just like the other two in the neighborhood. That will gurantee she will stop by just about every time she rolls past on her bike.

As some back up information, there is a 300lb mentally challenged girl that rides her bike incessantly through our neighborhood. She only knows two primary conversations. One about Patrick Swayze and one about the two Christina's that live in our neighborhood. She traps anyone that makes eye contact with her and talks about whichever one happens to be on her mind at the time. I used to feel sorry for her but after listening to these two converstations about a thousand times, the shine has worn off that apple. I now run in the garage and hide when I see her coming. I'm a pussy, I know. A favorite game of mine is to not tell the wife that she's coming and quietly slip away. She is then forced to talk about the two Christina's. Damn I am going to miss that one when we move.

2. I'm contemplating not cleaning up all the dog shit that has been accumulating in back since there was snow on the ground. I'm thinking that will be an added treat fun the first time he mows the grass.

3. This one is a given but I'm just tickled by imagining the first time he hears the smoke alarm go off when the oven hits around 400 degrees. This happen just about every time you cook with the temp that high. Hey bud, it's breaker number 5 in the box. I know it well.

4. I am going to conveniently forget to remove the yellow jacket nest in the cross post of the swing set.

5. I am going to remove all of the wiring for the cable TV in the garage. That fucker doesn't deserve to watch the Cubs and drink beer in the garage with his buddies. He'll just have to be responsible and watch his kids in the driveway.

6. I'm not going to remove that nasty hair plug from the drain in the upstairs bathroom before we leave. In a few months, when the shower starts to drain slowly, he'll be forced to picked the wadded up greasy ball of my pubes out of the hair trap. I think this one may be the most satisfying for me. (TMI perhaps?)

Well on that note, I am going to get back to work. If you can think of any other ways to fuck this guy over without overtly screwing up the close, please let me know

More Random Fun & Excitement!

Here's what's been going on in the Land of Carrotpenis....

• Well it's official, the Carrotpenis' are packing up their things and moving to Beverly. Well not actually cross country, in fact, pretty much right across the street. We sold the current tenament we are living in and on May 31st, we'll be upgrading to what I like to call a "Double Wide". If anyone is interested in assisting with the move (Yeah Right!), the beer will be cold and plentiful. As you can see, I am certainly not against a bribe.
• Of course as luck would have it, I decided to sell my house to an utter jackass. This guy has been the biggest prick ever in terms of negotiations. He just jammed me for $600 for something totally cosmetic during the home inspection. I would have told him to fuck off, but the Mrs. Penis would have killed me if she lost her dream home over $600 bucks. I hope he enjoys the leaky fridge and squeaking toilet (missed in the home inspection) I was originally going to fix for him, but now refuse to so because he has been such an asshole. Oh yeah, I also am going to inform the retarded girl that rides her bike around the neighborhood and talks everyone's ear off that the new owners said that she was welcome over anytime. I can just picture him now hearing the story about Patrick Swayze for the 100th time. Or better yet, the one about how there are two Christina's that live in the neighborhood. Ooh! I do love that one. That's worth a $1000 bucks right there.
• Mrs. Carrotpenis and I went away for the weekend to Door County, Wisconsin sans the kids. While I was a little reluctant to do so, I have to admit I had a really good time. There was great company, great food, and a lot of pretty scenery. I also got to get a round of golf in with the guys which certainly doesn't suck.
• After several weeks of pretty much non-stop driving to work, I caught the train this morning. What a nice relief to sit and relax on the way to work rather than being caught in the slow crawl with a bunch of fuck face impatient assholes. The Mick and I also boosted our IQ level by having a lengthy discussion on how the deer population in the local forest preserves could be controlled by introducing some jaguars and lions. I'm also betting it would thin out some of the stupid people as well for an added bonus.
• Someone has put the kebosh on the on-line suggestion box. That's bittersweet for me. On one side, I will finally be free of answering questions about burnt popcorn and capri pants. On the other hand, I won't be able to blog about the idiots making suggestions about burnt popcorn and capri pants. In other news, productivity has more than doubled since the suggestion box was taken down.

Well I better get back to work....I think my next post will be about how else I have secretly fucked over the guy who bought my house because he screwed me out of the $600 that I was going to use to buy my new Weber grill. Stay Tuned!

Worst Show Ever: My Sweet 16!

The other night I had a lack of Tivoed shows that I watch; so, I was doing a bit of channel surfing. You wouldn't think that I'd run out of crime dramas with like 50 of them on at all times of the day, but I did. Well at one point in the evening, I found myself watching My Sweet 16 on MTV. That has to be the worst fucking show ever. The whole premise of the show explains why the rest of the world hates us so much. Here's the gist...Parents with not two brain cells to rub together but who have been lucky enough to be blessed with a wad of cash, waste a huge amount of their money on an overpriced sweet 16 birthday party for their spoiled, disrespectful, pretentious, money grubbing child. Everyone one of these people should be shot, especially the parents.

The episode that I suffered through a few minutes of was about this fat kid named Aaron whose father is a bigshot record producer and mother is Pebbles, the 80's pop flash in the pan. First off, if that fat fucker isn't gay in denial, I don't know who is. The whole show he was whining like a baby about how things aren't going his way. The topper was when he almost cried when pulling up to the club where the party was and seeing that there were cars parked in front of his red carpet.

What these parents should really do is drop these fucking worthless kids in some impoverished area with no money, cell phone or means of transportation and see if they can last more than 15 minutes. On second thought, their parents can join them too.

I am dumber for the whole experience.

Business Casual?

For those of you not in the know, The Rooster does Risk Management work for a large company. Part of her job involves touring production facilities to do safety inspections. She just found out yesterday that a corporate mandate requires her to wear one of these extremely sexy jumpsuits. This is going really top off the hard hat and steel tipped boot ensemble she's been donning lately. I wonder if they come in pink?

I was also cracked up by the description in the catalog...Concealed slit in front pocket allows access to inner garments. (Is there a lot of hot guys at these facilities that requires easy access to inner garments?) Reinforced at legs and seat for long wear. (What about the knees; I'd think that would be extremely important?) The burning question is though...Rooster, are you corporately mandated to wear anything underneath these nifty numbers or can you just go commando?!?

Further Proof that I am a Jackass!

Discovered this morning that for the past three days I've been taking my wife's Methotrexate pills for an autoimmune disease instead of my thyroid pills. I am such a dumbass. At least they weren't her birth control pills, I guess.

I am very hungry!

The Rooster, Mick and I are going out to lunch today at 11:45am and I am already so hungry I want to chew my foot off. We are going to Traxx; they have tatertots as a side dish. Gotta, love the tots! Alas, Bobby won't be with us. He's taken a job at a downtown office and we only get to see him on the train occaisionally now. That takes the humor level down a notch. Hopefully, the Rooster will wear a low cut blouse to make up for it. I will keep you posted.

Random Fun & Excitement!

Here's just a random sampling of the fun and excitement otherwise known as my like...

• First off, to the fucking idiot with the Illinois license plate that reads RN A TAB, here's my middle finger to you. Maybe your license plate should read DRVNG STOOPID. When you see an accident up ahead and people merging, get your damn ass over; don't stay in the left lane until the last possible moment and then cut in your like your all pissed off that the people who have been waiting patiently didn't accomodate your sorry ass. Well I digress.
• Was berated like a child by a member of management because in a rage they fucked something up and I wasn't able to call in a favor and fix it. That was fun let me tell you. And after the fact, I'm kinda glad I couldn't fix it after all.
• Had a little cocktail party on the train yesterday with The Mick and our new "train friend" Big D. If you haven't tried Jim Beam Black, I highly suggest it. Big D is one of those people who is kind of heavy but looks like they have a skinny person trapped inside of them. I also think he may be having a cocktail party at work starting just after lunch as he always reeks of liquor and cigarettes.
• Found out that "I" (another train friend)'s company is thinking of going to jeans five days a week. For a moment, I actually thought of calling their switchboard to complain about it so she'd have to keep wearing short skirts to work. She has legs that most women would kill for. And hopefully in the next 90 days or so, it's going to warm up here in Chicago.
• Just realized I can't wait for it to warm up so that the standard attire of long pants, turtle necks and parkas can be put in moth balls and replaced with belly shirts, skirts with no stockings and tanned skin. Not just on "I" but on the masses in general. Mick, you can leave your belly shirt at home.
• Am up to my ears in trying to sell our house. I just cannot believe the crap you have to do to sell your humble abode. If our shitty carpet was good enough for us for 10 years, why the hell do I have to put new in for people I don't even know. If you know of anyone looking for a place in the northern burbs, let me know and I will send them a link to our listing.

Well I better run, "The Man" has a little more blood to suck from me before the end of the day. I am taking the day off tomorrow to watch the Union Labor put the carpeting down. Everyone have a safe and happy weekend!

Where Did All the Time Go?

Holy crap! I just realized that I did my first post on the Chronicles, February 14, 2005 and I have been posting to this little trainwreck for over a year. Today is just over 1 year and one month in fact. Over the past year and 33 days, I have done 212 posts, 213 if you count this one. That breaks down to 1.8685 posts per day. Not too shabby, considering how infrequent they have been as of late. I also thought this was a good time to look at the old Stat Counter to see where we stand after the first year. Well here goes...Over the last 398 days, I had over 22,000 pages loads, over 15,000 unique visitors, 11,ooo first time visitors, and 4200 returning visitors. Not sure what that means, but at least somebody is reading this piece of shit.

Thanks to all of you who have been reading on a regular basis and even checking back during my work imposed semi-hiatus. A special thanks to those of you who either commented or provided fodder for me to write about including but certainly not limited to those that follow:

• Rooster & Mick- You realize that when the level of our regular train rides and lunches dropped so did the quality of my writing. Let's work on that.
• Drunken Master and Melina- Thanks for the comments. I would have a drink with either of you anytime. Nice pigtails by the way; not you Master.
• To My Life is God's Comic Strip- Thanks for all the visitors! Remember, all men are jackasses; there is simply no way of getting around it. You just need to find one that looks good and doesn't piss you off too much.
• Cowboy and Fresh- That for the content, let's keep that up. Fresh, I have bottle of Barcardi. I am sure you can make that into something worth writing.
• Fat Bastard, Paper Lady, and Harvard- Thanks for always reading. Leave some comments once in a while.

If I missed anyone I apologize. Oh yeah, last but certainly not least, thanks to my wife for refusing to read the blog. Your probably better off anyway. Well here's to another year. Happy St. Patrick's day. Be sure to have an Irish%

"Work is the Curse of the Drinking Class!" - Anonymous

Found my blog post title while checking out MySpace and thought it pretty much sums up things for me today. I don't know who to attribute the quote to but it's certainly plagarized from some brillant mind.

I've also determined over the past few days that there are some really fucked up people on MySpace. There are also a ton of extremely hot lesbians that want nothing to do with men on there as well. Which there's definitely nothing wrong with except for the fact that I suspect that they are just porn stars trying to get guys to go to the websites. But I digress?

I've decided that a little fun side item of the blog would be to post myspace profiles that caught my fancy for one reason or another so that you could check them out. Well, this Biotch as she calls herself not only appears a bit fucked up, but she's also fairly hot in a bleach blond fake boobs sort of way. Again not that there's anything wrong with that. My myspace recommendation of the day is ForBiddeN. If you have any good ones that you've discovered and you think are worth posting, shoot their link my way.

On a final note, my office looks directly out over the front circle drive way at our building so I can see people coming and going all day. Well I just looked out the window and what is sitting there but a Mac Daddy stretch Ford Excursion limousine. You know like the ones you see for a bachelorette party or picking up horny Navy guys at the Gurnee Mills mall. Not only that but a whole bunch of foreign visitors, who were the ones riding in it, were taking pictures of it with their camera phones. We just hit a whole new level of class here at mothership.

Vegas Recap!

Well since I didn't dive right in and do a post about this the moment I got back, I am guessing you already knew that my Vegas trip was pretty tame. Here are some random highlights anyway...

• Probably the highlight of the trip, and this is pretty sad, was watching this prostitute and her 300lb 60 year old Asian John playing roulette. She had to have won $10,000 just in the few minutes that I was standing there. She then was nice enough to do this jump up and down dance much to the delight of onlookers, myself included, throughout the casino.
• Discovered that Lions are probably the laziest fucking animals ever. The MGM has this glassed in lion display. No matter what time of the day or night that you wandered past the enclosure those damn things were sleeping with the nuts hanging out all over the place. You'd think they could train them to eat Siegfried or something fun like that.
• Discovered that having boobs is directly proportional to the view of your hotel room. Me with no tits, worth mentioning at least, gets a fantastic view of the back alley. Boobed members of our entourage get a fantastic view of the strip. Go figure.
• Saw a man child on all fours bark like a dog for drinks at Coyote Ugly just to have some ugly bitch pour peach schnaaps down his throats; damn I miss those days.
• Discovered that in Vegas it's perfectly acceptable to smoke a cigarette and drink Bud Light from a can at 6:30 in the morning while waiting for your Egg McFucking Muffin in line at Mickey D's. It certainly made my Egg McFucking Muffin all the more delicious, let me tell you.
• A final highlight of my little trip was winning back just about all that I lost the previous two nights by playing three hands of blackjack instead of going to my 8 o'clock meeting on time. Let me save face with The Wife by not having to tell her I lost a bundle.

Well gotta run, we're still sprucing up the trailer so we can move into that double wide. There's a paint brush a callin.

Vegass!!!

I'm in Vegas for the next two days on a boondoggle. I mean business trip. So far it has been fairly tame. I am with the most boring group possible which probably explains it. I am by far the youngest person in the group and one of only two males. The group's idea of a wild evening is a glass of wine at dinner. Hard to have anything stay in Vegas with this pack of nerds. I may need to break away from the herd tonight. I will keep you posted.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Remember ladies, nothing says Happy Valentine's Day like a good blow job! As you know, chcolates are always nice, but the definite sure bet is a "Step up to the Mike". The man in your life will certainly enjoy it. And Guys be sure to reciprocate the favor.

Happy Valentine's Day!

The New Look

I'm not sure what I think about the new look, but I know I was tired of the old one. Since I am literally an html idiot, I was forced to suck at the teet of other's kindness. Thanks to http://www.isnaini.com/about/ for the template. It is greatly appreciated.

Everyone have a great weekend. I will be attending an International Festival of Beer Party where I am designated to bring a beer and side dish from Greece. After an internet search, I discovered that Greece makes about one fucking beer. Why couldn't I get somewhere like England where you get a couple hundred to choose from? I'm bringing my camera so hopefully we'll have some images of drunken housewives kissing to show you next week.

Just overheard at my desk....

I am sitting at my desk minding my own business when I overhear these two women having a conversation over the a box of Whitman Sampler candy just outside my door. One says to the other..."I don't like when you put one in your mouth and squishy stuff gets all over." My instant thought was that a blow job is pretty much out of the questions then. Gotta love when you take things out of context.

You Know "The List"

I swear I did a post about this previously, but I can't for the life of me find it right now. If anyone sees it in the archives, please let me know. I am writing to inform all of you that I am making a official change to The List. You know The List. The list of people that my wife would have to let me sleep with if the opportunity presented itself, no questions asked. I actually think that my wife may be willing to have a threesome with this person, she's so beautful. But I digress.

Not being a professional wrestling fan, this person was a new one to me. No, you jackasses, it's not Chyna. I'm talking about Stacy Kiebler. She is currently participating in Dancing with the Stars on ABC. I don't know if you've ever given the show a chance yet or not, but highly suggest that you do. If only for one reason, Stacy Kiebler has one of the most fantastic bodies ever and dances in these extremely revealing outfits. What she can do with her long legs is just amazing. So, for the record, here's the updated list in no paticular order...

1. Stacy Kiebler (see above)
2. Jennifer Love Hewitt (Doe brown eyes and a great body)
3. Kelly Monaco (another Dances with the Star participant; do you sense a theme?)
4. Eva Longoria (all around beautiful)
5. Melissa McGurren* (Chicago radio personality; very cute; extremely sexy voice)

To add Stacy, I am going to remove Jennifer Aniston. She just hasn't done it for me since she became a big enough star to stop showing off her nipples on Friends.

*- I believe that it's important to have someone on your list that there is at least a remote possibility that you could run into them on the street.

Master- This would definitely be a good hottie of the week. That Doctor Quinn lady while beautiful doesn't have anything on Stacy.

Google Stalking

Has anyone ever noticed that when you do a little Google stalking for say an old girlfriend or signifcant other, you rarely find anything good about them. By good I mean that I'm always hoping the've turned into some sort of degenerative freak. You know like a good amateur porn lesbian stripper with their own web site. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Here's where I'm going with this one. For whatever reason, the name of an old female acquaintance popped into my head yesterday. Actually it was this crazy girl that both me and my friend Fuckin Buck dated. Well a quick Google search and boom bada bing, you know actually what the person is up to. My initial hope was that she turned into a Goth, got a bunch of tatoos, and was working at a club as DJ. No such luck there, she's now a motiviational speaker for corporate events. I have no idea what she could actually motivate people to do except to run away from her. Then after a quick search on her married name, I found this lovely religious testimony about how she came to believe in Jesus with a picture and all. As an aside, I will have to admit that she's aging quite gracefully. And if she did something about that gigantic can of hers I'd even say attractive. But motivational speaker and bible banger, two things I wouldn't have pegged on this one in a million years.

So, anyone out there have a good amateur porn lesbian stripper stalking story to share. Rooster, I'm sure that one of your friends is running a porn site now. Please do tell.

Made my Day

Haven't posted from my crackberry on a drive to work in while but can't let this one pass.

I just saw an overweight black man dressed in a Statue of Liberty outfit hawking for a tax preparation joint. That is quite a a sight at 7:30 am let me tell you. I nearly drove off the road it was so funny. I have to tell you my day is going to be all down hill from here. I will be sure to bring the digital next time for a picture.

What a Long Strange Trip It's Been...

Not really, I guess, but it was the first title that came to mind so I am going with it. As I rode the train the other day, I fondly thought back to the lazy days of Summer. To a simpler time when there wasn't a ton of work to do and I could pump out 2 or sometimes 3 posts a day. Well that fucking dream is over let me tell you. Any leisure time that I enjoyed for those brief few weeks has been paid back in toil and stress ten times over. I am literally drowning in the crap that I need to get done. Usually, an adept juggler of many tasks, balls are hitting the floor everywhere. I can't even count the number of unreturned phone calls I have yet to make or the simple bullshit work that I haven't had time to complete. I haven't approved an invoice in like two weeks.

Well enough ranting. Since it's been a good bit, about 31 days, since I did a post, I think a random highlights list is in order to get everyone up to speed with the idiocy that surrounds my life.

• Our parent company has decided to move their headquarters across the street from our building. And guess who has to bow down and kiss their feet on a regular basis while providing them office services. Well, it's acutally not me. It is, however, the people that work for me and I have to listen them bitch about it on a regular basis. I also have to listen to the Mother Ship Prima Donnas bitch when the feet kissing isn't done like it was at their old office. I'll singlehandedly pack up the trucks and move them back if they'll just leave me alone.
• Asshole Lawyer has moved onto greener pastures. Right before the holidays, he got a job offer to be the Supreme Asshole Lawyer for a Major League Baseball Team. Since he's a gigantic pussy and couldn't handle the work here, he put in his two week's notice and rode off into the sunset. Awesome opportunity for him, but already the office just isn't as fun. Who will I go and make fun of people with at OCB? I tried it with Old Boy Friday last week, but it just wasn't the same. Asshole, if you are reading, the Mah Jong ladies were asking about you. Something about they way you danced at their holiday party; I wasn't sure what to make of that one.
• My other friend, Squig, is also leaving town. Apparently, the couple hundred thousand gay guys in Chicago weren't enough for him. He's taking his one man penis lovin road show to New York. All the best to him. New York, you better watch out. Squig, remember to leave the U-Haul at home when you go out on that second date. And don't turn into a cynical bitch like the rest of the people where you are going to work.
• The better half and I have decided upgrade the family trailer and get ourselves a double-wide. Tentative move date is sometime this Spring. We are now in the process of painting the current family homestead in order to make it more enticing for the sucker that purchases it. It boggles my mind that it was perfectly fine that the mud room wasn't painted for ten years. Now that we are going to sell the bitch, I have to cram my fat ass behind the furnace for some idiots I don't even know. And to think I just ran cable to the garage, that completely sucks as well. I am sure this little real estate venture will provide a bevy of bloggable material so I will keep you posted.
• The work suggestion box has been a hot bed of stupidity lately. Really inane suggestions of late include, a ban on popcorn making in the office and forcing sick employees to wear surgical masks while at work. For some, there clearly isn't enough work being given to them. Idle hands....well you know how it goes.
• Won $80 playing Texas Holdem two weeks ago, yeah for me. As The Wife can attest, I suck at literally every other card game on Earth, but for some reason I tend to be very lucky at Texas Holdem. Of the 10 times over the last year that I played, I've only lost money once. All the other times, I either broke even or more often came home with some winnings.
• This morning, I got stuck behind what quite possibly may be the 5 stupidest people in Lake County trying to buy a train ticket at the Round Lake Metra Station. Hey jackasses, write the check out before you get in line. I ended up missing the train I wanted to take because of it and had to sit in the dingy station for 20 minutes waiting for the next one. The only upside was that their were two hot girls to brighten the scenery. I may jump the train in Round Lake a little more often.

Well, it's now 9:55 a.m. and I still haven't done a lick of work yet today. Back to the grind. I'm going to make an honest effort to post more often though. This was pleasantly relaxing for me.

P.S. Happy belated birthday to the Drunken Master. Hope you post some pics from your birthday bash.