Well, it's official...The Semi- Divorce is over!

I no longer need to describe myself to single women as being semi-divorced. I have to admit that was always an awkward moment; but I have to tell you not typically a dealbreaker. The county of Lake in the state of Illinois has officially decreed we are no longer legally Mr. & Mrs. Carrotpenis. While it's honestly been over for me for a fairly long time now mentally, I do find the legally severing of things a bit cathartic.

Well let the single guy shenanigans begin. Oh, that's right they've already started. In fact, I think that train has pretty much left the station. After 6 or so months of being semi-divorced, now when I'm around my married guy friends and their wives, I've noticed them (the wives I mean) giving that certain look of disgust. You know the one. The one that says, don't you dare lure my semi-happily married husband into yet another girl ogling, liquor imbibing, cigarette smoking debacle. I'm clearly going to need to find some new single guy friends.

Or perhaps I could grow up a bit and go and scoop somebody else's wife from a recently failed marriage. Oh that's right, that's been done already. But I will save that story for another day.

Does this Surprise Anyone?

As some of you are aware, I am a giant fan of the Vendor Boondoggle. You know where you're the customer and your vendors give you lots of cool shit just becuause you are doing business with them. I have been on the receiving end of some really incredible things through my job. To give you an idea, over the past 10 years, I've gone to easily 20 Chicago Bears games at Solider Field. During that entire time, I've only sat outside in the elements twice. Every other time has been from the open bar comfort of a luxury skybox.

Well as luck would have it the Vendor Fairies were looking down upon me once again for opening day at Wrigley. One of my vendors who will remain nameless has the easily 4 of the best seats in Wrigley Field. They are in the 3rd row right behind the Cubs dugout near the batter's circle. If you've never been that close, it's a surreal experience. When the players come off the field, they are literally an arms reach away. One of the only drawbacks is that you really need to pay attention to the game lest take a foul ball in the noggin ala Drew Barrymore in Fever Pitch.

Another drawback which it took this game for me to figure out by the way is that you are on TV a lot. I am sure if you are dad with your kids and they are trying to have them show their fucking "Hi Mom!!!" sign on TV so that mom can ooh and ahh from home or perhaps a good looking girl in a low cut blouse who doesn't mind having her tits shown on WGN then this is all well and good. However, if you are a good looking semi-divorced guy dating two girls at once and one of them has a slacker job that allows her to be home in the afternoon to watch the Cubs on TV, then not so much. To make matter worse the Cubs new player Fukedome (which I think is really pronounced...fuck you, do me) hit a 3 run homer in the bottom of the ninth to tie the game causing the crowd including me and Girl 1 to go wild for the television cameras. Then they were nice enough to show shot of Girl 1 and I celebrating no less than 1700 times for Girl 2. So much in fact that Girl 2 now refers to Girl 1 as Brown Haired Girl in White Hoodie at least to my face. I am sure that she uses another moniker with her girl friends.

Well we will just need to chalk this up a New Single Guy Learning Experience #1. Okay, I am sure it's not number one, but it's in the top 20 or so.

Does Anyone Think...

That this may be the reason why when I have a date over to my house for dinner and drinks that the romance of whole situation quickly ends. Come on, what girl doesn't enjoy an overly affectionate 17 pound cat sitting on your lap purring while you're watching a movie. I am mostly kidding about that. Clearly, the big win during the division of assets portion of my divorce was "Precious" here. Sure, I did get to keep the 5 burner stainless steel grill but since winter has yet to end here in Chicago I'm still debating if that was a win in this situation.

Do single women give you a break for having a cat due to divorce or am I automatically labeled as "Guy with Cat"? I am surmising that the situation is not good. I've tried several times to ship said cat off to the "farm", but kids keep putting up a veiled defensive front. They claim to love the cat and hint that I will no longer be loved if cat mysteriously disappears one day. Yet, when they come over to my place Senor Hairball is largely ignored for the TV. I did notice a large hawk scoop up a rabbit in the neighbor's front yard last week. Perhaps, the cat and I need to start enjoying some outdoor activities together. That said, it's going to take a pretty big hawk to get his giant ass off the ground. Perhaps, there's a gang of hawks in the neighborhood to take him on.