Damn, I'm Busy!

Aquanut Ski Show

I just noticed it has been over a week since I did that last pathetic post about Pat Robertson. Well I guess the two go hand in hand because Pat is just that, pathetic. But I digress. My only excuse for the lack of regular attention to the Chronicles is that life has gotten extremely crazy over the past couple weeks. The kids are back in school and with that begins a rash of related sports and activities. The Girl is playing soccer and taking tennis lessons; that covers Friday and Sunday. The boy is playing baseball and soccer and participating in Cub Scouts. That covers Monday, Thursday, Saturday, and every other Wednesday. I am also playing in a 12" softball league on the off Wednesdays. So, as you can see our nights and weekends are pretty booked.

To make matters even worse, Boy Friday has finally cut the cord and moved to another department. As such, I am quickly starting to realize just how valuable his services were to me. My "Fellow Co-Workers I Hate!" list has grown quickly over the past few days. He obviously played a great buffer to the stupidity around me. My inane request of week was to fit 7 new employees into a space where clearly only 5 will fit: my intial thought was to build some furniture out of FedEx boxes, but apparently the FedEx people aren't too thrilled about that. I actually secretly hoping that one of the new employees is a hot girl when I have to pick one of them to share my office with me.

Well enough bitching and complaining, here's a random sampling of what I've been up to over the past week or so...

• Two Fridays ago, we let The Girl have a sleep over party for her birthday. We limited it to a manageable group of 4 girls total. That said, 4 ten year olds can generate a decibel level that is just painful. They ended up staying up until 3:30 in the morning. I can think of 3 households that had a little bitch on their hands Saturday. We did what every smart parent does when they have a sleep deprived cranky ten year old girl; we sent her to grandma's house. That will teach to spoil the grand kids.
• On Sunday, The Boy and I went to the local skate park to roller blade. Nothing like 30 seconds there to tell you that you're never going to be Tony Hawk. I am still nursing a giant scab on my knee from where I took a digger coming off the smallest of ramps.
• Just last Saturday, we went to see the Aquanut Waterski Show in Twin Lakes, Wisconsin. It was a fantastic time. Nothing like cute girls in skimpy outfits around water, see the picture above. If you live in the Chicago area, I highly recommend it; great family fun. To make things even better, I got to see a one year old stuff a whole handful of dirt and ants into their mouth while his parents weren't watching. I thought the mom was going to have a heart attack in the aftermath.
• Then on Sunday, we made a return trip to Great America. It once again didn't disappoint in the people watching department. There were lots of prison tats, gold teeth and wife beater t-shirts. The winner of the day though was this huge woman is acid washed jeans. She had one leg of the jeans cut into Daisy Duke shorts and the other was left long with big giant holes cut up the length of the pant leg, very ghetto.

In honor of Simply Complicated, I'll throw out a hump day sex question, a two parter to boot...Have you ever had sex in public and where? Note: Rooster, I'm not looking for a laundry list here. Just one will do.

August: Whore No More

Note: I am posting on a regular basis. I am just leaving this particular one at the top for the rest of the month of August. You can find my latest posts below.

I made a concious decision this month to get a baseline on how many people are voluntarily coming to my little corner of the internet. By this, I mean that I am not going to actively whore for readers this month. For the entire month of August, I will refrain from using Blogexplosion to get readers to my blog. That's right, no surfing for credits or obsessively placing my blog on Blog Rocket. I'm still not entirely sure what I am going to do at work now. Maybe put a little more creativity into my posts.

During my little sabbatical, I ask that you let me know that you're reading, what you like and what you don't. Better yet, tell me what you want to see more of. So, stop lurking and leave a comment.

Note: Unfortunately for some of you I will not stop from making inane comments on other blogs. Sorry.

To remind everyone, I will leave this as the top post for the rest of the month. Hope to hear from you.

Time To Rethink Your Religious Leader?

Now, I am probably the last one to take a stab at ones religious beliefs. But, did anyone else catch the story about Pat Robertson telling his 700 Club viewers that he thinks the US should kill Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. (I know what the fuck is he thinking.) Hello, 700 Club members, I think it may be time to look for greener pastures. I heard the Branch Davidians are starting up a new chapter. Pat has clearly gone over the deep end. Now I am sure that Senor Chavez is a huge bad ass and probably deserves what coming to him. But when your supposedly Christian leader starts calling for the deaths of other people in the name of the common good, you may want to rethink the path you're walking down. What's next, the Archbishop of New York entering into a murder for hire contract against a child molester?

Sending Your Babies off to College

Parents, many of you have just sent your little baby off to college for the first time or are just about to. In honor of this, I thought it may be worthwhile to fill you in on just a glimpse of some the extremely stupid shit that I did in college while drinking or observed of others while they were drinking. At least what I can remember of it. I am guessing it will probably make your mind wander at bit if it hasn't already. Remember, a little independence and a good bit of alcohol can go a long way.

I came up with 40; these are in no particular order. Also, if you were there with me and recognize yourself in any of these congratulations.

1. I kissed girls I never would have had I been sober.
2. I fell on a beer soaked fraternity basement floor. I am guessing this happened more than once.
3. I watched someone get bit on the face by a boa constrictor. That was hilarious. What an asshole.
4. Drunk on the way to a formal, I fell into some bushes. Was pulled out by my date with help of my tie.
5. Rode with a keg and 12 other guys in the back of a Ryder truck from Penn State to the University of Kentucky. ( long story for another day.)
6. Had to account for a previous evening by looking at ink stamps on the back of my hand.
7. Once rooted through a girl's purse to find out her name after we had sex.
8. I saw someone drink a big swig from a beer filled with cigarette butts.
9. On a different night, I saw the same person pick a bong off the the table and drink from it.
10. I many times donned a Gumby suit for no particular reason.
11. On one special occasion, I woke up on my hall floor in said Gumby suit.
12. I got blow jobs from ugly girls I never would have talked to when sober.
13. I fell in mud on way to a party. I sure this happened more than once, possibly in that same night.
14. I saw a girl climb from one hotel balcony to another in order to get a better picture. This was on the 25th floor.
15. Caught one of my friends dancing with a bunch of girls with a gigantic hard on.
16. Caught same friend doing it again after he'd been humiliated for doing it the first time. Will forever be called the "Dancing Boner"
17. Had loud sex with other people in the room. Sound is apparently not deadened because it's dark.
18. Spent $80 on half price drinks with just one other person.
19. Rode with keg and 12 other guys in back of a Ryder truck from Penn State to the University of Tennessee. (also long story for another day)
20. Did "Walk of Fame" back from the dorms to where I lived, many times.
21. Laughed at girls doing the "Walk of Shame" back to the dorms, many times.
22. Hooked up with my roomate's girlfriend, not one of my finer moments. I know about 5 people are asking themselves, what that fucking me. It probably wasn't.
23. Passed out while formal date was giving me a blow job. She was not pleased to say the least.
24. Told date she would have to forcibly have sex with me if she wanted to because I was too drunk. She did.
25. Watched someone jump up and down on a telephone smashing it to bits in a drunken rage. I loved that phone.
26. Caught someone taking a crap in a urinal.
27. Watched roomates throw a refrigerator off third floor roof. It hit a tension wire for a telephone pole and almost knocked it down.
28. Threw up in a washing machine; seemed like a good idea at the time.
29. Found a guy passed out, buck naked, lying face down in a fraternity foyer with his driver's license and student ID stuck between his ass cheeks.
30. Had sex with ugly girls I never would have had I been sober. Do you see a theme here.
31. At a party, I ate a bunch of goldfish.
32. At same party, I watched a girl down 10 goldfish in one big beerbong.
33. A bunch of us watched a friend having sex with a girl from a balcony window.
34. He realized we were watching and pretended he was riding a bucking bronco in a rodeo.
35. Had sex in a sorority suite during normal business hours.
36. Saw girl in wheel chair passed out drunk, more than once. Same girl if you are wondering.
37. Got a tattoo at a trailer park in Florida while on spring break. Dodged a bullet in the disease department on that one.
38. Snuck out of someone's room because I didn't want to be there when they woke up.
39. Walked through a packed party in just my boxer shorts.
40. Stole sex tape of my friend's roomate and her boyfriend and showed it to easily 1000 people.

As I said, this is just a glimpse. I'll try and think of more and put them in another post. And this was over 10 years ago before digital cameras were main stream and girls kissing was cool. Oh yeah, if any of you have some good ones you'd like to share please do.

I am Screwed at Work

Screwed at work? I wish it was in a good way, but alas it isn't. They guy that works for me, I'll call him Boy Friday, has decided take a position in another department. On the the one hand (this hand being the good boss trying to develop his employees into better ones), I am extremely happy for Boy Friday. The new position is a good bump up and great for him career wise. He's an excellent employee does exemplary work and always busts his ass. On the other hand (this hand being the lazy good for nothing boss that delegates every bit of work possible to his staff), I hope that the new job really sucks and that he comes crawling back on his hand and knees begging for his job back.

Needless to say, until I replace Boy Friday and then get his replacement fully trained, my life is going to be an utter hell. First off, all of the crap work that i shluffed off on Boy Friday is coming full circle right back to me. Second, all the people that piss me off with their stupid suggestion box ideas are going to start calling me instead of Boy Friday acting as buffer. And worst of all, I go from having 2 direct reports back to having 7 or 8. While I don't mind the day-to-day management of these people, I detest writing their performance reviews. To top it off, one of the employees I am getting back is Doris whose main purpose in life is to drive me insane.

Well I'm going to try and figure how the fuck I am going to get all of this work done over the next few weeks/months. Actually, I should probably go and find some cheese to go with all this whine I have.

Hot Moms Buying School Supplies

Guys, if you are looking for something fun to do during your lunchbreaks over the next two weeks, I definitely recommend hitting the office supply stores. There are literally hundreds of scantily clad hot women buying school supplies for their kids. I went to OfficeMax today to pick up some of the last two or three items needed for the kids school supplies and it was a veritable MILFarama. We're all done shopping now, but I my hit the Office Depot tomorrow just for kicks.

Also, to you fuckers in education that come up with the school supply lists, can you please explain something to me? What the hell does it matter if The Boy who is in second grade by the way uses a four inch glue stick vs. a three inch glue stick. I know he doesn't give a rat's ass. Does anyone else besides me think that the particularity of the school supply requests is just fucking insane? It seem like that the people that set them up, purposely pick the most obscure things possible so you have to run to 5 or 6 different stores to find everything. If I find out it's because you are on the take with the retailers, I will come over with my 6" (not 5" mind you) protractor and stick it up your ass.

The Casual Friday & The Rooster Snort

Found an extremely funny blog today; check it out if you have the chance....

The Casual Friday

When the Mick, Rooster and I ride the train, the hilarity of the conversation or antics on the train is directly proportional to the number of times we can get the Rooster to snort when she laughs. Because of this, I've decided to implement the "Rooster Snort" rating system. The Casual Friday gets a 4 out of 5 Rooster Snorts.

I love boobs. Have a good weekend.

Metra: It Boggles the Mind

Yesterday the Mick and I were relaxing from a hard day's work on the train. I'm having my customary bourbon on the rocks, Jim Beam Black, yum. Sitting two seats in front of us is FRG (Fat Religious Guy) and CFG (Cute Foreign Girl). They are blabbering on about some annoying topic that I can't remember. The only saving benefit is that CFG is facing towards me rather than FRG. Oh now I remember, FRG was bragging about that the finicial wizard he was in college accounting. He said that it was the first time that any student in this professor's class had aced every single question and test in a semester. I am thinking that from the look of his too small LeTigre shirt and threadbare Dockers that he's clearly put this finiancial genius to work in later life. Maybe he's was like the Rain Main and the toothpicks dropping on the floor.

But I digress. So, about two minutes later another very cute girl comes in and sits down on the other side of the aisle about a seat farther than FRG and CFG. Well wouldn't you know it, Cute Girl 2 starts talking to FRG. And then to top if off, when CFG gets up to leave, CG2 gets up from her seat and moves over to sit with FRG. I am still reeling with amazement. I may of missed something with FRG. He beginning to look like the next David Koresh. I'll try and keep you posted on further developments of his cult following. A picture may be in order as well.

Houston We Have a Problem

I watched Apollo 13 last night so I have space on the brain today. Great movie by the way if you've never seen it. But all is definitely not right in Mudville today.

Today, Asshole Lawyer and I went to the barber to get haircuts. And yes, I realize that this probably puts us one step away from being the biggest homos in the entire world. But, I don't have the regular use of a car at work so I must rely on the kindness of others from time to time.

Well if you remember from a previous post, my regular barber guy, Serge, went and quit on me a couple of months ago. So, I was forced to go find another barber. Well the new one I've been going to has been pretty good until today that is. The way this shop works is that you put your name on the list and then one of four barbers cuts your hair in order on the list. You can suggest someone in paticular. But since I don't have a preference at this point, I just go with the first come first serve method. I may be rethinking that little theory after today.

Today, when my name came up on the list, a woman named Maria was the one who got to cut my hair. Well Maria and I had a little confusion about the clipper setting that I get my hair cut with. Now, I am going to admit fully that it was probably my fault. When I got my hair cut by Serge, I just told him to clipper cut it with a two. And I just generally assumed that the two setting it pretty standard in the barber industry. Apparently, it's not because the one that Maria cut my hair with is much much shorter than was done previously. Subsequently, all my hair is much much shorter than it ususally is. In fact, I look like I am ready for boot camp. It also for whatever reason, makes the gray much more evident. That may also be because my wife and kids drive me so nuts that it's just getting grayer and grayer by the minute. Next time I will definitely have a more lengthy discussion about the cutting length.

Metra: Various Shit

Yesterday, I had a meeting at a law office in the city so I took the train all the way from my home in the northern burbs down to Union Station. While I don't envy the people that do that commute every, it's not bad doing it every once in a while. Probably the best thing is that the people watching in the city is a thousand times better than on my commute to the suburbs. The Talent alone is worth the trip. I saw more hot girls yesterday in couple of hours than I can see in an entire Summer under normal commuting conditions. And just to recap, I love the hot weather.

Another benefit of the long commute is that you get to eavesdrop on people's conversations for twice as long of the long on the train. Here are some random samplings...

Fat Religious Guy- I discovered that Fat Religious Guy is twice as annoying on the longer trip. Yesterday, he droned on for the entire way about the difference between ethnic Jews and religious Jews. I'm sure that he offended at least 20 different people with the bull shit he was calling out.

Really Stupid Girl- After further consideration and the urgings of Mick and Rooster, I am renaming the previously nicknamed, New Hot Girl, Really Stupid Girl. The was done for two reasons. First, if you get a real good look at her, she's really not that hot. Yes, she has her moments, but the majority of the time she just isn't there. Second, she really is as dumb as a box of rocks. Every time she opens her mouth her IQ seems to just drop lower and lower.

Cute Foreign Girl- I discovered yesterday that the cute girl sitting with Fat Religious Guy was not there by mistake, but intentionally. I've also discovered that she's got a really strong European accent making her now Cute Foreign Girl. My only reasoning for her sitting with him is that she can't understand a fucking word he says to her.

I.- I. is not really a new character on the train but worth mentioning. She gets on the train just about ever afternoon with us. She's worth mentioning because she has an absolutely fabulous body and wears outfits that definitely show it off. Rooster will even confirm this one for me. In fact, I am still waiting for the skin tight stretch pants that Rooster gave us the play by play on couple of weeks ago. Now she could use a slight bit of work in the face department but her figure more than makes up for it. She also asks about me whenever I am not there. This is definitely and ego stroke as far as I am concerned.

Besides the cast of characters above, I was also lucky enough to meet up with Large Mexican Family. Large Mexican Family got on the train just after we left Chicago. There were what seemed like 25 of them, I am guessing there were only like 4 or 5. To make things even better each of them had a piece of luggage with them. Then to top if off I was caught with the kiss of death that I am stuck with on a regular basis. Some of you probably know what I am talking about. As an example, I walk into a hair cut place and there are 5 hot girls there with gigantic boobs and one gay guy. You can probably guess what's going to happen but of course I am going to get the gay guy to cut my hair. Now I realize that there's nothing wrong with that and I am probably going to get a better haircut anyway, but there's something to be said with nice boobs being crushed on your shoulder. Well the same thing goes with The Large Mexican Family. There are five people, two of which are drop dead gorgeous latino women. And who do I draw the loser card on but the Stinky Mexican Father. Go figure. Does anyone else draw the short straw like I do on a regular basis.

Blogger Twins = The Amazing Race?

A couple of bloggers called The Blogger Twins are trying to get a spot on the next Amazing Race by publicizing their cause on their blog. Since the carrotpenis' are huge (yes huge) fans of The Amazing Race, I am going to support their cause. Please check out and link to their site at http://www.bloggertwins.com/.

Metra: Inane Quote o' the Day

Mick and I were riding home in the bar car yesterday minding our own business. Well, minding our own business is certainly a matter of interpretation. Perhaps having a bourbon on the rocks and checking out the freaks in the bar car is more accurate. When out of no where Kermit starts spouting off about how some of the other bartenders on the train close the bar car early. Big Italian Guy who bartends occaisonally keeps the bar open until the last possible stop on the line.

As some background information, Kermit is this idiot that rides in the bar car on the train just about everyday. He's the worlds expert know it all on nothing that anyone would ever care about. He also has a disgusting habit of eating a very large bag of potato chips and then letting everyone on the train stick their grubby hands in the bag to eat out of it. Nothing like having greasy mechanic hands in the bag of chips before you.

Well as Kermit launched into his diatribe about unfairness of the bar closing earlier, this little quote comes out of his mouth, "Are you running a bar or a God damn free for all!". Can anyone tell me what that means? Cause I have no fucking idea. This just further solidifies the my opinion that he is a gigantic moron.

P.S. I am guessing that every driver on the road is thankful that Kermit doesn't have the opportunity to swill another beer down his gullet on the days when the bar closes at normal time.

Train Friends Lunch

Late last week, Rooster, Mick, Bobby and I did one of our infamous "Train Friend" lunches. About once or month or so a group of us that all ride the train get together and have lunch. Usually, they start out innocent enough as friends from the train getting together for a quick bite and some pleasant conversation. But inevitably the conversation turns south and lunch turns into us laughing our asses off while other tables give us dirty looks. This time was certainly no different.

Before I fill you in on the crazy conversation let me give some props to the choice of eatery. Since Bobby's company was picking up the tab, we decided to go slightly upscale with P.F. Changs. I've eaten at Changs a few times and can't say enough good things about it. Service has always been excellent and the food is to die for. I highly recommend the chicken lettuce wraps and the kun pao scallops. Overall, I give it 4 out of 5 on the carrotpenis rating scale.

Now back to the lunch conversation. First, we get this perky little waitress with great boobs named Marissa who is an absolute hoot. She was fully involved in our conversation the whole time and at one point squeezed her boobs to make a point about something funny she was telling us. Cute waitress touching her own boobs at our table is win win as far as I am concerned.

The demise of the lunch time conversation this time happened about 30 seconds after we got there with Mick telling a fantastic story about his brother's bachelor party gone really bad. Here are some random highlights. First the party was supposed to be pretty big with 35 or 40 people but only about a dozen ended up showing up making is somewhat pathetic. The party was held in the dank basement at the brides parents house. Yes, you heard that one correctly, the bride's parent's house. Mick said that there were two disgusting brown couches that he was afraid to sit on. Stripper number one showed up over 90 minutes late. And he said that this little cutey had more prison tats than you could shake a stick at. To make matters worse the bride's dad asked loudly in front of everyone how much it would be for the stripper to take a piss on the groom. EWWW! I certainly wouldn't want to know that my father-in-law was a "Golden Shower" sort of guy. Then stripper number two shows up with a dildo attached to a DeWalt power drill. For $300, she was willing to let the groom use it on her.

Well after that little story things started to go quickly down hill as everyone shared stories of their favorite bachelor/bachelorette party moments. First, Rooster shared an oldie but goodie about seeing two Prince Alberts at the same bar in one night. It still amazes me that someone could turn a bar conversation in such a way to make it okay to drop their pierced schlong onto the table for everyone to see. But hey, what do I know. This was followed by Bobby's story of physically pushing his father out of the way so that he didn't find out that some guys were doing coke in the bathroom and then hiding the lines on the back of the toilet underneath a flower pot.

Needless to say we were once again laughing our asses off the entire time (Rooster even snorted a couple of times.) and the entire restaurant was looking at us. Can't wait for our next outing.