Match.com: Tips for Getting a Date

As some of you know, Johnny B. has been going through a bit of a rough patch. Last Spring, his lovely wife (whore) informed him that she'd be moving on to what she thinks are greener pastures with her new man. Note: there is a much longer and more interesting story behind this, but I will leave it for another day when I am in a really bad mood.

As you can imagine Johnny B. like most people who were just smacked in the face by a baseball bat, moved through the various stages of grieving that come along with a divorce. Thankfully, he's now somewhere between "This bitch isn't getting any of my money!" and "I really need to have some sex with someone else or I am going to explode!"

Due to these certain physical needs and oh sure a desire for female companionship, blah, blah, blah, Coach has set himself up with a profile on Match.com. He even went out on a couple of dates with someone or so he told us. She doesn't appear to be in the picture any longer though; either that or he's not willing to scare her off by introducing her to the antics of Cowboy and me. I'm thinking it's the latter. I'm also betting that his kids will be introduced to any girlfriends prior to us as to lessen the blow that he's foolish enough to hang around with us.

Anyway, getting to the point of my post here, solid buddy support system that we are, Cowboy and I have taken up surfing Match.com in order to find quality dates for Johnny B. After several hours of intense research on his behalf I've made a few important observations that I thought some of you might find helpful if you are trying to land a man on Match.com or any other internet dating site for that matter. In the interest of not being sued by Match.com or the women on the site, I will refrain from posting the actual pictures for now. These are in no particular order.

• Getting your courage up to put a profile out there by drinking two bottles of wine and then using a webcam photo from the same evening is probably not going to get you too many dates. Shitfaced drunk is not a good first impression; save that for the third date.
• In the same vein, I'd really think twice about using a webcam photo in your profile at all. It takes a really hot woman to look good in the indigo blue glow of a poorly lit room and a computer monitor. Kind of like wearing white stockings. Some people are good enough to pull them off, but you're better off not going there.
• While sure every guy wants to see a couple of pictures of you, posting 15 of them comes off as narcissistic and conceited. I think that 4 or 5 is probably a good number. Anything more and you come off as being really into yourself.
• Pets of any kind in your profile photos are a huge no no. This is especially the case for small dogs and definitely for cats. While you may think that being an animal lover is a nice touch, the guys instantly thinks, "Crazy Cat Lady" or I am going to have to share my bed with that fucking thing.
• I would seriously think about putting your kids in any pictures. I definitely think you should mention them in your profile; no need to be dishonest. It's just hard to feel romantic about someone as a first impression when she has two snot nosed kids draped on her. You also need to consider that if I can get on here and make fun of this shit, scum bag pedophiles are on here too. You also list the general vicinity where you live. Not a good idea in general.
• Pictures with other guys in them is another bad idea. Sure, you know it's your gay friend Jeff. Anyone else looking at it is thinking this woman isn't sure she wants to be single. This goes double for pictures where the guy is in the picture but has been photoshopped or cropped out. This only makes you look crazy.
• If you are going to post pictures of you with other women in them, make sure that the other women are not better looking than you are. Surrounding yourself with fat ugly friends only makes you look better. Remember to not be too drastic though, he certainly doesn't want to hang out with a pack of uglies after you start dating. If you are a 7, shoot for a 5 or 6 friend in your picture. One disclaimer, if you are into bringing your girlfriend home for sex with your dates, by all means the hotter the better.
• I am all for putting a picture of yourself in a bathing suit or low cut blouse if you can pull it off; if not, I wouldn't go there.
• Listing that you enjoy skinny dipping and want a guy who likes erotica is a dangerous line to walk. To guys, Erotica = PORN and skinny dipping is code for sexually adventurous. If you aren't into either, think very carefully about posting these items. Tied up with candle wax on your nipples isn't for everyone.
• You also might want to think about using the terms sarcastic and power. All guys are jackasses, no need to get the really bad ones. Unless that's what you are into.
• Don't lie about your age. We call all see from your picture that you are easily in your mid forties, not thirty-seven like you say. Plus don't put it past us to search through your purse on the first (and perhaps only) date to see how old you are when you aren't looking. You don't want younger guys anyway; we only mature with age. I am hoping to not be this big of an asshole after I turn 40.

Well, that's all I can think of for now. If you've got any others leave me a comment. Good luck, I don't envy any of you out there looking for dates.

It's the Fucking Mummers!

Holy crap it's the Mummer's! Melina reminded me of this little ditty from my youth. Each year in Philadelphia, typically on New Years Day, there is the Mummer's day parade. The Mummer's Day parade is Philly's version of Rio's Carnivale, but without the drinking, the sex, the hot women and the floats. Okay, maybe it isn't a whole lot like Carnivale. But you do have freaky middle aged men dressed up in feathered outfits playing "When the Saints Come Marching In!" on banjo. My favorite memories of the Mummers were from the years when it was really fucking windy and you'd have hundreds these jackasses flying everywhere. Nothing like a drunk Mummer flat on his back with a banjo.

Karma is Good to Me and The Mick!

Live from the Metra. There's this guy (jackass) who we've nicknamed "St. Louis" that takes the same train home as the Mick and me. He also rides in the bar car with us. I've hated this fucker since the moment I met him. I'm not sure where my initial dislike came from, but I alway remember that my first impressions are usually dead spot on. I think what annoys me the most about him is that he's very type A, doesn't give a rats ass about other people's feelings, and isn't afraid to show it off. It also doen't help that he weird looking like a leprachaun and thinks he's the cat's meow.

Case in point, yesterday was a horrible commute home. It was raining like a monsoon outside and this tends to drive all the fair weather people to mass transit. So, the bar car was absolutely packed. When we got on, the Mick and I had to stand and wait for a seat until the next stop. Jackass, St. Louis, found a seat next to this asian guy who looked like Quincy's assistant coroner. Just before the next stop, a guy equidistant from St. Louis and where the Mick and I are standing starts to get up. What does St. Louis do but in typical prick fashion he jumps up from his seat and takes the open one. He then proceeds to put his coat and bag on the seat next to him so that no one can sit down. He is such an asshole. I was just about to call him out on it when Quincy's assistant gets up to leave too. So, Mick and I end up sitting right behind him. I was so pissed off about the whole thing I almost spit into his man purse when he got up to get a beer.

Well wouldn't you know it, there was Karma to make everything better. In the afternoons on the train, our stop is over half way home from the Chicago, Lake Cook Road to be exact. So, the conductors on the train have already been through the cars several times to punch tickets prior to us getting. Due to this they tend to be a little less meticulous about their work the farther the train gets towards home. Please note, that I am not at all complaining. This means that you don't typically get your ticket punched on the way home which equals a free ride most of the time. That is unless you are huge jackass on the train every day In this case, they actually come and seek you out.

This is exactly what happened to St.Louis. The Mick and I were sitting there minding our own business having a refreshing Jim Beam on the rocks when a younger conductor comes out of no where and bee lines right for St. Louis. St. Louis tries to give him some line of bullshit about losing his transfer ticket, but the rookie conductor doesn't miss a beat. He not only charges him for the ticket but also charges him the penalty fee for not getting the transfer too. St. Louis was just livid. HA! HA! HA! HA! If he had punched our tickets this would have been funny, but to make things even better he just walked right past the Mick and I after screwing St. Louis. I was almost crying And all is right with the world.