Match.com: Tips for Getting a Date

As some of you know, Johnny B. has been going through a bit of a rough patch. Last Spring, his lovely wife (whore) informed him that she'd be moving on to what she thinks are greener pastures with her new man. Note: there is a much longer and more interesting story behind this, but I will leave it for another day when I am in a really bad mood.

As you can imagine Johnny B. like most people who were just smacked in the face by a baseball bat, moved through the various stages of grieving that come along with a divorce. Thankfully, he's now somewhere between "This bitch isn't getting any of my money!" and "I really need to have some sex with someone else or I am going to explode!"

Due to these certain physical needs and oh sure a desire for female companionship, blah, blah, blah, Coach has set himself up with a profile on Match.com. He even went out on a couple of dates with someone or so he told us. She doesn't appear to be in the picture any longer though; either that or he's not willing to scare her off by introducing her to the antics of Cowboy and me. I'm thinking it's the latter. I'm also betting that his kids will be introduced to any girlfriends prior to us as to lessen the blow that he's foolish enough to hang around with us.

Anyway, getting to the point of my post here, solid buddy support system that we are, Cowboy and I have taken up surfing Match.com in order to find quality dates for Johnny B. After several hours of intense research on his behalf I've made a few important observations that I thought some of you might find helpful if you are trying to land a man on Match.com or any other internet dating site for that matter. In the interest of not being sued by Match.com or the women on the site, I will refrain from posting the actual pictures for now. These are in no particular order.

• Getting your courage up to put a profile out there by drinking two bottles of wine and then using a webcam photo from the same evening is probably not going to get you too many dates. Shitfaced drunk is not a good first impression; save that for the third date.
• In the same vein, I'd really think twice about using a webcam photo in your profile at all. It takes a really hot woman to look good in the indigo blue glow of a poorly lit room and a computer monitor. Kind of like wearing white stockings. Some people are good enough to pull them off, but you're better off not going there.
• While sure every guy wants to see a couple of pictures of you, posting 15 of them comes off as narcissistic and conceited. I think that 4 or 5 is probably a good number. Anything more and you come off as being really into yourself.
• Pets of any kind in your profile photos are a huge no no. This is especially the case for small dogs and definitely for cats. While you may think that being an animal lover is a nice touch, the guys instantly thinks, "Crazy Cat Lady" or I am going to have to share my bed with that fucking thing.
• I would seriously think about putting your kids in any pictures. I definitely think you should mention them in your profile; no need to be dishonest. It's just hard to feel romantic about someone as a first impression when she has two snot nosed kids draped on her. You also need to consider that if I can get on here and make fun of this shit, scum bag pedophiles are on here too. You also list the general vicinity where you live. Not a good idea in general.
• Pictures with other guys in them is another bad idea. Sure, you know it's your gay friend Jeff. Anyone else looking at it is thinking this woman isn't sure she wants to be single. This goes double for pictures where the guy is in the picture but has been photoshopped or cropped out. This only makes you look crazy.
• If you are going to post pictures of you with other women in them, make sure that the other women are not better looking than you are. Surrounding yourself with fat ugly friends only makes you look better. Remember to not be too drastic though, he certainly doesn't want to hang out with a pack of uglies after you start dating. If you are a 7, shoot for a 5 or 6 friend in your picture. One disclaimer, if you are into bringing your girlfriend home for sex with your dates, by all means the hotter the better.
• I am all for putting a picture of yourself in a bathing suit or low cut blouse if you can pull it off; if not, I wouldn't go there.
• Listing that you enjoy skinny dipping and want a guy who likes erotica is a dangerous line to walk. To guys, Erotica = PORN and skinny dipping is code for sexually adventurous. If you aren't into either, think very carefully about posting these items. Tied up with candle wax on your nipples isn't for everyone.
• You also might want to think about using the terms sarcastic and power. All guys are jackasses, no need to get the really bad ones. Unless that's what you are into.
• Don't lie about your age. We call all see from your picture that you are easily in your mid forties, not thirty-seven like you say. Plus don't put it past us to search through your purse on the first (and perhaps only) date to see how old you are when you aren't looking. You don't want younger guys anyway; we only mature with age. I am hoping to not be this big of an asshole after I turn 40.

Well, that's all I can think of for now. If you've got any others leave me a comment. Good luck, I don't envy any of you out there looking for dates.