Men, and I am totally stereotyping right now, love FIRE! They just can get enought of it. Their adoration of it all starts at around 5 years old when they get their asses beat for playing with matches; it moves on to blowing things up with fire crackers and bottle rockets as adolescents; then somewhere around adulthood they need to pick a path and either become firemen, arsonists or sit their asses on lawn chairs in the driveway drinking beer around the fire pit. I as most of you know have chosen the latter. Well this is where our story begins.
If you live in or around Chicago you'll know exactly what I am talking about. You know in the Spring when you have that first 80 degree day that falls on a Friday or Saturday and you think that all is right with the world. Winter hasn't quite left yet but damn you sure can see Summer coming. You get that happy feeling where you can just sit outside for the entire day enjoying the weather and you never want it to end. Well a couple of months ago, we had just such a day. And of course we didn't want it to end, so what do we do, the most logical choice of idiot male suburbanites, have a fire. See I did have a point there.
This was not just any male bonding fire either. All the players were there, Cowboy, The Voice of Reason, The Fat Bastard, and Mr. Jones to name a few. There were also some prospective rookies, Big Jim, Stay at Home Larry, and the star of our story Tenacious D. We were all having a really great time. The wives and offspring were all there as well. Everyone was having a grand time imbibing tasteless domestic beer from the can and regalling each other with stories of our youth.
Since I haven't mentioned it yet, the event was being held at Cowboy's. Cowboy lives in a nice quiet neighborhood but has the unfortunate luck to live on a street that gets used as cut through from one side of the neighborhood to another nearby neighborhood. Since people are only cutting through, they very little respect for any speed limits and have no problem going 50mph on a 25mph street. With all the kids running back and forth between the houses, this is potential recipe for disaster.
Well after the beverages were flowing for quite some time, there were a whole bunch of guys standing out by the street when the third car of the evening comes absolutely screaming down the street. Immediately, everyone starts yelling to slow down. Then in his infinite wisdom Tenacious D. decides it will be a good idea to spray his nearly full beer all over the offending vehicle. Unfortunately for the driver as I stated earlier, it was a really nice day and the windows were down. The car then hits the brake and jams in into reverse. Suddenly, there are a dozen nearly sober guys standing by the open window of the beer covered car. The driver it turns out is a foul mouth 17 year old girl. And boy is she pissed, covered in beer and swearing a blue streak. This goes on for a few seconds until she realizes she talking to a bunch of idiots who don't care what she is saying; she then speeds of down the street into the darkness to endanger other children.
Wouldn't you know it, five minutes later two of small town's "Finest" show up with the lights ablazing. I am surprised that they didn't have the sirens going. First to arrive on the scene is Police Woman and definitely not Angie Dickinson Police Woman either. This is more like Ma Kettle police woman. She might as well of had a donut sticking out of her mouth. Then quickly following is her partner, Barney Fife. Well Barney begins by questioning the mob as to what exactly happened. In true Goodfella's fashion everyone just dummied up and acted stupid. I know, big stretch. At one point after becoming frustrated that things were going nowhere in the hot investigation of the beer thrower, Barney actually used the phrase "Brain Fart". As in, "I see that everyone here has had a bit of a brain fart and can't remember anything." This elicited some laughter from the crowd as we wondered if brain fart could be used on a police report.
After a stern lecture from Barney and Police Woman about not using vigilante tactics to quell speeding in the neighborhood, they drove off leaving us to laugh and laugh at Tenacious D.'s near arrest for what I am sure would be any number of trumped up charges.
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1 comment:
Well~
I would back up Tenacious D, with that choice every day. Yeah, I am truly a idiot, but the real crime would have resulted in some poor kid getting hurt. That foul mouth little bitch is lucky that I didn't have a urine sample (as I usually carry them with me!) or she (as she most likely has more than once, even at her young age) would have been covered in piss.
My Kids come first, before some whore in training, who should have been grateful at the fact that Ol' D covered in beer and that smell mostly covered up the stench of Vodka, Marlboro Ultra Lights, and Trojan lube that she reeked of.
That Lil whore got lucky that NONE of those kids got hurt......
Because, I am the FAT BASTARD....
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