Dear Santa...

Dear Santa:

As you already know, I've been a really good boy this year and am certainly deserving of some Christmas presents. Okay, maybe I haven't been all that good but cut me some slack already fat man; it's been a rough last 6 months. I am sure I can think of some others but here's my short list...

1. A colander. My old colander was foolishly lost in the division of assets with the soon to be ex Mrs Carrotpenis. How am I supposed to eat Ramen noodles if I can't drain the damn things.

2. A frying pan with a lid that fits. See note about colander above. I've discovered the hard way that you can't make rice-a-roni without it.

3. An appointment with The Cat Whisperer. While I've never heard of the Cat Whisperer, I am sure there is some nut job out there that does it. After all, there's a horse whisperer and a dog whisperer. That said, if the cat doesn't stop peeing in the now vacant dining room, I am going to build a one time use Cat Cannon.

4. A hot date to the Bears Packer game. I have two skybox tickets and no special (am by special, I mean hot and easy) lady to share them with. As game is on the 23rd, if you could get a move on this one, that will be greatly appreciated.

5. A new snowshovel. While old snow shovel was not lost in asset division, it sucks. And if the snow continues like it has been, it's going to be a long winter in Chicago.

6. A personal shopper. This whole grocery shopping thing is going to be the death of me. I absolutely hate going to Walmart. I'd spit on your grave Sam Walton; of course that would mean I'd have to go to Arkansas. I'd rather go to Walmart every day than do that.

7. A hot date in general. Screw the Bears Packers, I'd settle for dinner and drinks with a "special" lady. Please see description of "special" above in number 4.

Come on Santa, I'm not asking for much here. It's not like I want a Wii or anything like that.

Yours Truly,

Carrotpenis