Vanity Plates

I find it extremely annoying when people feel the need to incorporate the name and color of their car into their vanity license plates. Yesterday, I was driving behind someone whose plate read, RED VET. Hello, fuck face, we can all see what car your driving. There is no need for you to reiterate it on your plate. If you are going to pay the extra money and spring for the vanity plates at least be creative. How about trying DCK HED?

The Metra: Nothing Too Exciting to Report

I've gotten to take the train the past few days. My mood at work and at home has greatly improved because of it. However, except for last Thursday's debacle things have been pretty calm in terms of bloggable material. Here are some random highlights though...

• Last Thursday evening, I rode with my friend Rooster. Rooster was friend from previous entry that was injured for an unspecified reason which I suspected was sex related. She introduced me to the Thursday Night Wine Club. Each Thursday, a group of people on this particular train brings wine on to drink. They start in the city and imbibe until they get off at their respective stop(s). From the looks of them when I got on, I am guessing that they bring a bottle each.
• I have notice a proliferation of good looking girls on train lately. It may just be that they've been there all along and I just didn't notice because of their winter coats and sweaters. And possibly because I can be oblivious. Though, I'm not quite sure about the coats and sweaters part. I'll keep you posted on that front; and will try to include pictures.
• Kermit was on the train last evening sans chips. Still as annoying as ever though. He was giving some unsuspecting schmoe home improvement tips. His unwilling cohort looked as though he was about to slit his wrists.
• This morning, Rooster inadvertently insulted a Pakistani couple that was sitting directly behind her when she did an improvised Indian accent while descring a scene from last night's episode of the "Office". I almost died laughing at her expense.

Hopefully, there will be more to report during the second half of this week.

Spring Fashion Tip

Today the temperature was right around seventy in the Chicago area. It was our first glimpse of Spring for this year; I love when the weather starts to get warmer. I immediately start to think of khakis and sweaters giving way to short skirts, sleeveless blouses, exposed navels, tanned legs and sandaled feet with painted toes. Of course, the temperature is supposed to dip back into the forties by Friday; so ,thanks for that little tease.

With the season finally starting to change, here's a little fashion tip for the ladies and I guess probably some of you men out there. Unless someone you totally trust for fashion advice i.e. not your husband and probably not most of your closest friends, tells you that your legs look hot in white stockings, think very carefully before making the decision to wear them. Nothing show off the faults in a women's legs better than a pair of white stockings. Even someone with decent legs can look like a pair of stuffed sausages in them. You know the old saying that the camera adds 15 pounds; same thing goes for white stockings.

Rachael Ray is Annoying

Does anyone else think that Rachael Ray of the Food Network is extremely annoying. I don't know what it is that grates me the wrong way, but I can't stand to watch her shows for even a few minutes.

I have a theory that the producers of 30 minute meals created $40/day to get her out of the studio so she couldn't drive everyone nuts. I also think that the camera person who has to go with her on the road is being punished for poor performance.

It's Always the Quiet Ones

Saturday night, I went and played Texas Holdem at a neighbor's house. I've been out drinking, playing cards, generally carousing with these guys numerous times. We always have a great time being idiots and telling funny stories.

One regular member of our group is for the most part extremely quiet. He's a great guy, very nice, would do anything for you but rarely says much of anything unless asked a direct question. None of us know that much about him except for the direct interaction we've had with him. I just assumed he was pretty quiet and shy. That is until Saturday night.

While we are playing cards, we are also have VanWilder on in the background. When the movie gets to the scene where they dupe the fraternity guys into eating the dog come filled eclairs, he comes out of no where with this hilarious story. The story is about friend from college that drinks too much at a party and ends up puking outside. At some point, the friend falls over in the grass. When he comes back to the party, he has a big piece of dog shit stuck to the back of his sweater. He is so drunk he does not realize and no one is willing to tell him. Also, his girlfriend is shit faced drunk and doesn't notice it either. At one point, her, him and piece of dog shit are mashing in corner. Boy that must have been a magical evening.

With all my experiences with this guy I never pictured him at a party wild enough for something like this to happen. I figured he spent most of his time at the library in college. It goes to show you have to watch out for the quiet ones, they are never what they appear.

Happy Easter!

I saw a news story today that discussed the possibility of changing the name of the Easter Bunny so that it was more politically correct for non-Christians. Here's my suggestion....

Get a Fucking Life People Bunny!

Next thing you know they'll want to change the name of Santa Claus to Big Guy In Red Suit. Come on folks please let's try and not take life so seriously.

Happy Easter Everyone!

I Finally Get to Take the Train!

I finally got to take the train yesterday. Was it worth the trouble is the big question? The kids were off from school for their start of Spring Break; subsequently the wife didn't have to go to work. This allowed me to leave for work on my schedule and take the train rather than having to wait for the kids bus to leave and drive.

Well getting to the train ended up being just a comedy of errors. But first you need a little background information though. I can pick up the train from one of two different locations. One is closer to my house but doesn't sell tickets. The other is a bit farther but does sell them. Since I didn't have any ten ride punches left, I made the decision the night before to take the train from the farther station. That morning, I had the trip to train planned out to make it there with enough time to go into the station and purchase a ticket. As you will soon see nothing went as planned. The train leaves the farther station at 6:55 am and 7:00 am at the closer one.

Here's the play by play on how my morning went from there...

6:30:00- Start getting my stuff together to leave for the train
6:31:00- Dog decides it needs to go out. Since everyone is sleeping, I do it.
6:36:00- After dog takes good old time doing his business, I get back in the house.
6:37:00- Realize I don't have parking money; root through change jar for $1.25
6:38:00- Wife comes down and asks for me to drop off video at library on way to train.
Note: Library is on way to close train, but out of the way to far train station. While, I'd be cutting it close, I can still make it to far train at this point.
6:39:00- Go out door to get in car. Car windows are frozen over and will need to be scraped.
6:39:30- Make decision that I can't make it to far station in time for train.
6:39:45- Realize I will need cash. Start car to defrost windows and go inside to find money.
6:40:00- Root through wife's purse to find money.
6:41:00- Start heading out door and realize I will need extra quarter for parking.
6:41:30- Dig through change jar again for extra quarter
6:42:00- Head out to car and realize I forgot to turn the defroster on.
6:42:30- Swear a bit and start scraping windows
6:44:00- Leave for train.
6:46:00- Come up to accident that has occurred on route to train. Traffic is still passing.
6:46:30- I am the next car to pass and ambulance comes and blocks intersection.
6:47:00- I am forced to take a circuitous and much longer route to library.
6:52:00- I enter library parking lot, but old woman is walking dog near book drop off.
6:53:00- Old woman finally gets out of way and I am able to drop off movie.
6:53:30- I drive like maniac to train station.
6:58:00- I see dead cat with big pool of blood; makes stomach sick
6:58:15- I come flying into train parking lot and slam car into nearest parking space.
6:58:30- I run through parking lot to parking space pay machine.
6:59:00- I encounter stupid people trying to work pay machine.
6:59:59- I finally get turn at pay machine but coin drop is not cooperating.
7:00:00- Train is pulling into station.
7:00:05- I finally get pay machine to work; sprint to train just as door are about to close. Whew!

I at numerous points wondered if some higher power didn't want want me on the train. Being a stupid man, I did not heed the warnings. Fortunately, things turned out generally okay. Except for the fact that I then had to call in favor from one of my friends from the train to drive me to yet another station during lunch to buy the 10 ride ticket I missed having the time to pick up in the morning.

I hope the commute goes easier next week.

See, I'm Not the Only One!

Just recently I did a post on the addiction problem I have with my Blackberry and bam it's headline news on CNN.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/BUSINESS/03/23/blackberry.rim/index.html

Going Postal

My mom has worked for the post office for as long as I care to remember. Growing up in a fairly rural area, she worked in some really small post offices. Often times, she was the only full time employee that worked at a particular office. When she did, I often teased her that if she wanted to go postal, she'd have to kill herself. Thank God, Mom has a good sense of humor.

Roadside Psychic

Roadside Psychic

I recently started carrying my digital camera in my work bag, aka my man purse, so that I could take advantage of any visual opportunities that might arise on my travels and post them. Here's my first.

I pass this house nearly every day when I drive to and from the office and laugh every time I do. I couldn't resist snapping a picture and posting it. The neon sign in the window reads, "Psychic & Tarot Card Readings". I'm sorry but any psychic who can't tell the future enough to get themselves out of this ramshackle piece of shit house certainly isn't worth going to. I also love the fact that it's March 23rd and they still have their Christmas lights up.

Lunch and Colon Polyps

The place where I work has a pretty cool program called Lunch and Learn. They bring in a speaker to talk on a particular subject over the lunch hour and serve food to the participants. I've gone to some really good ones. For instance, there was one purchasing your first home; and another was on financing college for the kids. Regardless of how good the speaker is, you still get a free lunch out of the whole deal. It's a win win as far as I am concerned.

Well apparently subject matter is starting to run thin. This month's lunch and learn is about, get this, colon polyps. I'm sorry but the very thought of some doctor jamming a scope up my ass to see if I have colon polyps tends to quickly diminish the appetite. What's next, pap smears or perhaps a good talk on genital herpes. I'd sure enjoy a boxed lunch to hear about those topics.

1000 Hits!

I reached a 1000 hits yesterday and in just over one month of posting. I'm actually pretty amazed since the site doesn't contain any naked pictures, technical advice or serious political commentary

Thanks to everyone that's reading on a regular basis. And thanks to those who just grazed by for a look.

I Really Miss Taking the Train

It is now day two, week number four of my driving experiment and things are definitely not getting any better. The drive in this morning took me well over an hour for no particular reason that I could see. I'm still not sure how I got roped into this in a first place. I thought it was only supposed to be for two weeks. This will teach me to be careful what I agree to.

With the start of Spring, we are also now entering the unofficial fourth season in the Chicago metro area commonly known as Construction season or as it is sometimes referred to, Congestion season. I like to call it fucking bullshit. Construction season conveniently overlaps 3 of the traditional seasons, Spring, Summer and Fall. Thus ensuring that the driving commute can suck just about the entire year.

To make matters worse there is absolutely no coordination of timing on these construction projects. To get to and from work, I can take one of three major east/west roads. Every one of them has construction on it that takes the road down to one lane in each direction. This creates a bottleneck of mammoth proportions during the rush hours. I wish the collective highway authorities would take their heads out of their asses and coordinate these effort more effectively. Knowing the politics around here though, I probably have a better chance of ending the war in Iraq.

I can't wait to return to the train. I'd even eat some chips out of Kermit's bag if that was the payment for being able to do so. I think the blog is suffering as well. One can only bitch about driving so many times. I need the freaks to give me something fun to write about. Well here's hoping.

Weekend Report

Here's some commentary from my weekend at the Treasure Island resort in the Wisconsin Dells...http://www.wisdellstreasureisland.com/

• Tattoos and mullets were an overwhelming thematic element. Everywhere you looked, there were tons of people with tattoos. I'm not taking about tastefully done tattooing either. I am talking about huge gaudy tattoos on every imaginable part of the body. Either that or they were badly done and looked like prison tats. For heaven's sake people, if you are going to mark up your body permanently, please have the sense to have a professional do it.
• And don't let me forget about the mullets, oh there were mullets as far as the eye could see. There were men with mullets, little kids with mullets and even women with mullets. I took some pictures which I will post shortly. You just can't beat a good a good mullet watch. The less hair on top and the longer in the back the better.
• My favorite t-shirt of the weekend was worn by an enormous African-American man. It read, "Big Willie's Taxidermy, stuffing beavers for over thirty years!" Now that's classy!
• I personally put on a free show by mistakenly changing into my bathing suit in front of our hotel window with the shades open. The wife said she saw people running and screaming with their eyes covered. I think she was lying.
• To the people that dress their kids up in those hideous floatation swimsuits, you might as well be beating them up on the playground. They look like pussies. Don't be so fucking lazy and teach them to swim or at least keep an eye on them while they're in the water. I'm sure you can sit on your lazy ass and have a Miller Lite in a plastic bottle some other time.
• Wearing a t-shirt while you swim does not camoflague the fact that you are a big fat ass. Be a man like me and show off your big pasty white belly to the rest of the world. Women, same thing for you, that sheer cover up you're wearing ain't hiding shit.

White Trash Road Trip

The Carrotpenis' are goin on a road trip for the extended weekend. Our exciting port of call takes us above the cheddar curtain. Yes, we are going to the Midwest Mecca of white trash, the Wisconsin Dells.

For those of you that are unfamiliar let me try and paint a picture. It's sort of like Vegas without the casinos, the strip, the strippers, the prostitutes, and the fun. Well I guess it's nothing like Vegas after all. It's sort of like the Jersey Shore without the beach and without the fucking tourists from New York City. And just so we're clear, I am talking about the Wildwood or Seaside Heights Jersey Shore not the Avalon or Long Beach Island Jersey Shore. If you've ever been, you know exactly what I am talking about. All the cheese (no insult intended towards the Wisconsin folks) and less sand.

I guess I don't know how to do it justice. It's a resort community in the middle of Wisconsin that has a bunch of really big water parks with hotels ajacent to them. Now I know what you're thinking. Why the fuck are you going there in the middle of the Winter? To remain open on an annual basis, the waterpark hotels have built indoor water parks to bring the tourists to their properties during the Winter months. For the kids, it's actually great fun, water slides and lots of splashing around. For the adults, it's a lot of pasty flesh in bathing suits, mine included, chasing the kids around.

One fantastic thing about the Dells though is that there is great "people watching". Not necessarily as good as a county fair or a trip to our local Walmart, but good just the same. I love to just sit and watch the drama unfold. The place is like a train wreck. You don't want to look but you must. I am planning on bring my digital camera with me so that I can hopefully share some of the local flavor with you after the weekend.

Wish me luck! Luckily, I also plan on bringing a bunch of bourbon. I'll do an update next week.

Bluetooth Headsets Are Not Fashion

This is something that has caught my eye over the past few weeks and I felt it's worth addressing. I am talking about people wearing Bluetooth headsets with obviously no intention of talking on the phone.

For instance today, I am walking out of a local restaurant and notice a table with 5 guys sitting at it. One of them is wearing a Bluetooth headset. Clearly, since he is out to lunch with a group of people he has no intention of talking on his cell phone. This means he's wearing it because he thinks it looks cool. I was also at an offsite meeting last week and someone there was wearing one. Come on, there is no way you are going to take a call in the middle of a meeting. Now, I'm into tech gadgets just as much as the next guy and certainly understand the functionality that these provide, especially if you are driving the car.

Here's a heads up though, if you are wearing the headset around because you think it looks cool, you're wrong. You look like a fucking idiot! Knock it off.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0002WRGHG/002-2553527-1339237?v=glance

Farrah Fawcett's Hair

I learned a hard lesson today. Apparently, it is not a compliment to tell your wife that her hair is longer and it's starting to look like Farrah Fawcett's. Yes, I am a stupid, stupid man. Personally, I thought Farrah and her hair were hot on Charlie's Angels. Not so much when she was drunk on David Letterman.

Cat Shoes

Eccentric girl in my office, see previous post on Crazy Outfits, was at it again. She was wearing my all time favorite accessory today, Cat Shoes. They are black Mary Janes with a white cat encircling the toe. I find them hilarious.

Aside note: I tried to find a picture through a http://www.google.com image search and it turned up over 4000 hits. I am literally amazed. I did look through 300 of the images and was unable to find a match. However, I did find out that taking pictures of your pet cat near your shoes is extremely popular. Go figure.

Eccentric girl also has a matching black and white cat fedora to go with cat shoes but I was unable to confirm a sighting on said article. I'll keep my eyes open.

I Peed Myself

Well not really; but I might as well have. I've pulled this bonehead move before, but I never learn. Went to the bathroom this morning to "spill my water" so to speak. Afterwards, I go to wash my hands. Let me preface this by saying that I'm certainly not the tallest guy you'll ever meet. Good looking, yes, tall no. The reason I mention this is that to reach the handles of the faucet I need to lean up against the vanity counter. Of course some dumbass before me has gotten water all over the vanity top and it is pooled up right to the edge of the counter. And I am a bigger dumbass and always forget to look. You guessed it, a big water stain all over my crotch. I try with little success to dry my pants with paper towels. Well, I can't spend the whole day in the bathroom. I attempt to make a quick dash back to my office to have a little drying time there. Of course there are a whole bunch of people congregated at the coffee station when I try to saunter by. Lucky me.

I am Evil

Yesterday, the kids and I were coming back from the store on a semi-rural road near my home. For no obvious reason as there was not a single car behind me, this jackass pulls from a driveway along the road right in front of me. As a rule, I detest when people do this. To make matters worse the individual who did this decided to drive about 15 mph slower than I was going at the time. I am not sure what power trip he was trying to pull, but I wasn't biting. Well at least I wasn't going to get mad about it.

For my own amusement, rather than do the polite thing and slow down to his speed, I took my foot off the gas but didn't apply the brake. My car coasted gently behind his until I was right up on his bumper. Only then did I tap my brake to get down to his speed. This move got the rise I hoped for from the other driver. In frustration, he slowed down even further. I am guessing that he thought this would get me angry; he was wrong.

It just made me want to piss him off even more. I then proceeded to ride closely behind him for the next mile or so. After his previous manuvers, I am assumed this would just enrage him even further and I was correct. I could see his head bobbing and arms flailing at his wife in the passenger seat as we approached the light at the end of the street. At the light he went to turn left and knowing what was certainly coming next I decided to go out of my way and turn right so that I could pull up next to him. Just before I did, I told the kids to smile and wave at the car next to us. On cue, they did. I, myself, put on my best shit eating grin and waved too. As we got right next to him, he was just as I expected him to be, face all beet red and middle finger in the air. When his wife, saw my kids she too turned beet red from embarrassment. I'd certainly be proud my spouse flipped off two little kids just because he wanted to be an asshole and cut someone off.