Tales from the Metra

I've been back to riding the Metra fairly regular as of late. The Metra for those of you not in the know is the name of the train lines that run from the suburbs to the city of Chicago. I am fortunate enough, however, to be able to use it to commute from my house in a far North suburb to my office in a near North suburb. It's a sweet deal actually!

Well yesterday the whole cast of charaters was in the bar car on the way home. Fat Religious Guy was there. The Beckster was there. St. Louis was there. Kermit and his famous bag of disgusting chips were there. Heavy D was there. Stacy or Tracy (I can never fucking remember.) the Movie Guy was there. It was a regular who's who of freaks and geeks riding the train. And of course the Mick and I were there. The only people missing were the Rooster and "I".

I'm beginning to think that Fat Religious Guy may be the leader of a cult. Perhaps even the reincarnation of David Koresh. He's alway got a least one hot looking foreign girl hanging on his every bible banging word. I've seen at least three different ones and they keep coming back for more. I find this very suspicious. If I hear anything about Waco, I may call the ATF so they can tranquilize him with one of those big elephant guns. It may take a big dart to bring him down though as that gigantic fucker is all hopped up on Moutain Dew. He drinks it right from the 2 liter bottle on the train. Yesterday, he had a bag with three reserve bottles poking out of it. I feel sorry for that heart of his and hope I'm not close by when he goes down for the count.

Note to self, think carefully about giving Heavy D any more cocktails on the train. Yesterday, I shared some of my Jim Beam minis with him and he got all salty talking about his brother-in-law. I want fun and humor on the train not stories of bitter family life. I can get that right at home.

The Mick and I saw this really fat guy with the smallest umbrella ever. It barely covered his gigantic melon. Reminded me of Chris Farley in "Fat Guy in Little Coat", but this time it was "Fat Guy with Little Umbrella!" Rooster, I think it was someone that works at your office. Then not two seconds later, we saw this guy wearing a Ralph Lauren Polo Shirt that had an enormous oversized Polo logo on it. It looked almost cartoonish it was so big. Like Flavor Flav wearing a big clock. Boy you must be really label concious to wear something like that.

Speaking of fashions, I am going to round out this post with a little tip. Ladies, I know that I've mentioned this in a post or two before because it's a personal pet peeve of mine. But since I've seen at least three instances of this blunder over the past few weeks it's obvious some of you out there need reminding. White panty hose and stockings only look good on about one in 50 million people and those people are all super models. The rest of you look like you have two big sausages under your skirt wearing high heeled shoes. It's not attractive even if you husband or significant other lied and told you he liked them. He probably just wanted you to give him a blow job anyway.

Well, I better run. The man needs his pound of flesh.