Life continues to be crazy for me at both work and home. Until things calm down a bit, you are going to have to deal with these random bullet point lists...
- This is my first full week without "Boy Friday". I have quickly learned two things. One, Boy Friday's job sucks. And two, I need to hire someone really fucking fast before I start pulling all of my gray hair out.
- Wife's grandfather (Grandpa) of 91 is in town from Staten Island with his 80 year old Hussy Girlfriend, Pearl. Hussy Girlfriend only knows about three conversations. 1. How big her son's house is in Florida? 2. What a successful builder her son in FL is? 3. How beautiful her grandchildren are at their successful father's house in FL. Surprisingly, Hussy Girlfriend, whose a classic Jewish mother by the way, never ever mentions son's wife who is obviously in the picture. It may have something to do with them now being Seventh Day Adventists. The only good point of the whole thing is that you get to plan smartass responses before she even talks because she will inevitably hit on at least two of these subjects in a five minute conversation.
- Came outside at the inlaws house on Saturday and Grandpa was sitting in a lawn chair wearing tight shorts and a wife beater t-shirt. I almost gouged out my eyes.
- Was asked by third person in same day to get artwork for new hires' offices. Because obviously, I only have a list of 500 things to do and artwork is right on top of my business critical items. I am sure those people in New Orleans can wait an extra half day for me to get them their checks so that the people at HQ can have some knock off posters in their offices. Nearly did a performance art rendition of "Man Stomping on Co-Workers Face". Boy that would have felt really good. Note: Artwork is not delaying checks to the people in New Orleans; I was exaggerating a bit. I don't want Oprah crawling up my ass like she's doing to everyone else.
- Saw that yet another person put a suggestion in the Company Suggestion Box about people wearing capri pants which are in direct violation of the company casual dress policy. I think this is the fifth. I work with some real fucking idiots let me tell you. But this wasn't so much a suggestion as a personal attack on those who are violating the casual dress code policy and wearing Capri pants. My next suggestion box entry is going to be...To the pussies who are too afraid to confront people face to face and instead use the suggestion box as a sounding board for their personal pet peeves, please feel free to meet me in the lobby today at twelve noon for an open air discussion. You will be able to find me because I will be holding a baseball bat.
- Went to lunch at OCB with Asshole Lawyer and told him Grandpa and Hussy Girlfriend story. He then proceeds to ask me if I've heard them having sex. I was immediately nauseated by mental image and almost threw up my taco salad on nearby blue haired mah jong players.
- Tonight, we went out to dinner with Grandpa and Hussy Girlfriend. Hussy Girlfriend returned her salad because the waiter spilled the dressing onto the salad when bringing the plates over. Then when waiter brought back a new salad, Hussy Girlfriend proceeded to dump the same exact salad dressing all over the salad right in front of the waiter. Classic.
- Summer Hours ended last week and we are now back to working full day Fridays. This Friday will seem like easily the longest day of the year. If anyone is interested, we'll be having bourbons on the rocks, I'm thinking Jim Beam Black may be nice, in my office starting at about 3:30pm.
Okay, since I had minimal response to my hump day sex question of last week, we'll try something different this week. If you been reading for awhile, you know that idiotic suggestions to my company's suggestion box have been the lead topic on more than a few posts. If not look through the archives, there's some good shit there. Anyway, for the next week or so, I will accept potential suggestion box entries from you for me to put into my company's suggestion box. The best one wins and I will actually put it into the box and then put the response into a subsequent post if and when it is answered. Tell you what, I'll even throw in a small prize to the winner. I am sure that the Mick can find something in his prize vault that I can send to you. That is if he's not too busy playing phone bitch. The Mick will keep me honest on this one too. One disclaimer though, I enjoy working for the company that I do and question the actual anonymity of the suggestion box entries. So, while I am happy to laugh at inappropriate suggestions, they may not make the cut, but feel free to be creative. If this goes well, I may make this a monthly gig.
14 comments:
Glad to be volunteered to stop playing the role of phone bitch. A prize will be found for the winner.
Now to think about the best suggestion.....
Marker's man, Marker's
throw that Beam to the curb
Go with the capri pants thing. Ask if pants are mandatory. If so, capris are gone. If not, you've a whole range of options from hot pants to bathing suits, etc.
Does the wife beater mean you are related to Miles?
See, you should have let me post more than one sex story! You would not have to think of suggestion box stories.
Suggestion:
Has your company created a contigency plan for solar flares taking out communications? If not, they should.
Suggestion:
As we know, there is a discrepancy in some people's minds as to whether the heat or a/c is needed. Has the company considered polling all employees as to their opinion on the subject? Take the data from the poll and purchase individual heaters or a/c units for all employees.
Suggestion:
If employees are wearing capris in the summer, may they continue to do so in the winter only if they accessorize with leg warmers?
Suggestion:
Since all employees are totally dedicated to 'the cause' offer car washing and full detailing once per week. Employees could continue to work all while their cars are becoming spotless!
First of all, I have to say that this is the first blog I've read that I was actually laughing out loud, and yes, the dogs were looking at me like I was insane.
Second, A suggestion for the suggestion box: Could we please have peak holes in the cubicle walls? My neck muscles are pulling wrong when I try to look over the cubicles nonchalantly. I think it might be a cause for a lawsuit, because the walls are too high to spy over. Peak holes would be very ideal. Preferably with a camoflauging type thing like a calender, or picture with a stupid uplifting saying on it from Lance Armstrong. Thank you.
And third: Does the Jewish Hussy Girlfriend have the giant hair-do like I woould expect? Just curious.
I have been following your blog since I came across it a few months ago and find it absolutely hilarious.. you definetly are a character.. and quite often enlightning..
I have a suggestion for your companys suggestion box... I wonder if your company would consider weekends away for its staff (at their expense of course) to visit apocalyptic cults down in ohio for team exercises such as loyalty and confidence building, how to work as a team and of course how to use an AK-47. Just in case one of you hard workers feels like going postal.. Im sure you could probably come up with a few more exercises to add to the list.
Keep the great blog entries coming..
Suggestion:
to increase attendance at staff meetings, make it a policy where employees are permitted to hoist up a few cold ones and rename the event: "beer-thirty".
Suggest a company-wide policy prohibiting the use of emoticons in email. Impose a penalty of a dollar for each offese to be donated to charity.
Suggest half day Fridays all year. You do it for a few months, why not all year?
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