Company Suggestion Box

If you've been reading for any length of time, you probably caught one of my jags about the Suggestion Box at my place of work. We have this on-line Suggestion Box on which people make the most outlandish suggestions that they think should be taken seriously. Being the smartass that I am, I can't resist poking a little fun at them. Here goes...

Suggestion #1- The first suggestion from this round was actually mine and I still can't believe they answered it seriously. To give you some background, there were like 5 different suggestions from people asking if women could wear Capri pants as business casual attire. Since the business casual guidelines are extremely lenient towards women's fashions already, it irritated me that they were trying to be even more greedy. What's next after all, Flip Flops. So, trying to be an asshole, I submitted the following:

With all the serious consideration going on about Capri pants, I thought this would be a good time for a suggestion regarding men's apparel. As a man on hot days, I find that wearing heavy cotton pants extremely uncomfortable. After doing some research I discovered that kilts are making an emergence in the US. They are not only comfortable, but can be fashionable as well. Please consider adding them to the business casual dress code. For your convenience, I have included a link that shows what I am talking about.

http://www.scotch-corner.co.uk/highlanddress/catalogue/index.cfm?items=2271

Well wouldn't you know they responded to my suggestion like it was a serious one. Here's the response...

At this time, Capri pants, kilts, and before anyone asks, Bermuda shorts, do not reflect the professional image that "Company Name Here" would like to preserve. As we continue to grow, the company will evaluate policies that will benefit both the company and its employees.

Damn Bermuda Shorts that was even better than the Kilts. Sorry, I didn't think of it.

Suggestion #2-

I find some of the responses to submitted ideas for the suggestion box to take on a rather condescending tone. This could possibly deter creative thinkers from submitting ideas. A "friendlier approach" might be considered.

Do you think this person could possibly be reading my blog entries and confusing them for the actual suggestion box? Well here's my unofficial response to that one....

Dear Whiny Bitch, I'm sorry if us saying no to your stupid idiotic ideas appeared condescending. Next time we will try and blow some sunshine up your ass before we say no to you. How does this work for you. While your idea to have flowered drapes in all of the offices was certainly one of the greatest ideas we've ever heard in our entire lives, we are just not able to work that into budget this year. Was that better dipshit?

Look forward to more stupid suggestions down the road. It appears it's going to be a bevy of material.

Vacation Pictures: Washington Monument

Is it just me or does anyone else think that this is just about the world's biggest phallic symbol? Did George Washington by chance have a big schlong?

Great America: Fashion Talk

On Friday, my company had their annual corporate picnic at Great America in Gurnee, Illinois. We got free admission to the park with a catered dinner in their picnic area plus $10 in spending money per person. The Wife and I took The Girl and The Boy there for the day. We had an awesome time. The Boy and I went on just about every ride he was tall enough for. And The Wife and The Girl went and caught some of the shows that they like so much. Overall a fantastic family bonding experience.

Great America is also prime real estate for one of my all time favorite activities, people watching. No matter where we go, I just can't get enough of observing people in their natural environment especially the freaks and losers. But an amusement park is definitely in the top three or four of my favorite places to do it along with airport, baseball game, and county fair. It never ceases to amaze me what people think is fashionable either. Here are some highlights...

• Apparently neck tatoos on women are in this year. Crudely done boyfriend names appeared to be the most popular. I wonder if The Wife would get "Carrotpenis" in script on hers.
• Large obnoxious back tatoos were probably a close second. All I can think of now when I see one is Vince Vaughn from Wedding Crashers saying it might as well be a bullseye.
• Suprisingly and especially in light of us being so close to the Cheddar Curtain (the Wisconsin border for those of you not in the know), there was a lack of mullets this year. I think I only saw one the entire day. Very disappointing. Maybe everyone was Muskie fishing.
• Big stomachs and belly button piercings are not as fetching as one might think. It just screams, look at me, I'm a big fat ass.
• Same goes for really tight belly shirts. No one wants to see a roll like that unless there's butter on it.
• Matching air brushed t-shirts were very popular.
• As were matching pro basketball outfits. I really got to get me one of those Iverson jerseys.

The crazy shit that people wear just kills me.

Week in Review

Boy have I been a slacker this week with posts. Works has gotten extremely busy and I've been reading the new Harry Potter book at home. It's extremely good thus far. Here are some random highlights from the week to take you through the weekend...

• Crazy Doris, the kitchen lady at my office was trying to force me to eat meatballs that had been sitting in a conference room for almost two hours. I actually had to run away from her to escape.
• On the train, I inexplicably starting singing Kung Fu Fighting and then Rooster informed me that an Asian women had just walked by. I am such a jackass.
• Also on the train, Fat Religious Guy, had another unsuspecting cute girl trapped. He was rambling on in his bible speak and she looked like she wanted to crawl out of her skin. Big surprise, she wasn't there the next day. I swear that son of a bitch scares all the hot girls out of the Bar Car.
• Rooster, Mick, Bobby, and I went to Bennigans for lunch yesterday. Bobby was telling us a hilarious story about a fight he saw in a hotel lobby between some wedding guests in tuxedos and and bunch of long hairs coming back from the Queensryche concert. I almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard; and everyone in the restaurant was looking directly at us.
• Rooster continues to prove what a great friend she is by pointing out no less than 10 hot women in various states of undress for Mick and I to look at. She's got a great eye for those things.
• This morning on the train I caught a semi-attractive woman checking me out. That made my day; hell who am I kidding, that will probably carry me right through the weekend.

Well gotta run, today is our company picnic at Great America amusement park in Gurnee. I hope to regall you with stories of great people watching tomorrow. Everyone have a great weekend.

The Proof is in the Pudding

My friend Rooster posted this link in the comments section of the previous post but I thought it was worth listing on the main site. This link takes you to about 150 pictures from the Mardi Gras Party I talked about in the previous post. It looks like an insane time and will I spend the rest of the year plotting on how to swindle the Wife into going to this one next year. Enjoy! By the way I couldn't find any pictures of either of my coworkers on there.

http://www.funonthefox.com/gallery/thumbnails.php?album=76&page=1

P.S. Rooster, big thanks for searching this one out!

People You Work With

You sometimes forget that the people you work with have very different lives outside of work. And there's nothing like a hilarious experience to give you a reminder.

A guy that I work with was partying with his wife and some other friends in an area called Chain O' Lakes not far from where I live and work. If you're not from the Chicago area, it's a large lake resort area where a whole bunch of different lakes link together through various waterways. It gets extremely crowded on the weekends and big groups of boats tie up with each other to enjoy the sun, water and of course have some drinks.

This weekend they had a big Mardi Gras celebration complete with Hurricanes, scantily clad women, and of course beads. I'm betting you are starting to see where this one is going. As things progressed and the drinking started to takes it's effect, many women started to feel that it was perfectly acceptable to wear pasties in place of their bikini tops. My co-worker certainly didn't mind the added scenery.

At one point he and his wife were standing in waist deep water by their boat drinking some beers and having a good time when a woman with only pasties on for a bathing suit top comes up and asks if his name is ********. He replies that it is. She then tells him that he needs to come over to her boat and see something. While his wife is not too happy about this situation, he decides to go with her anyway. When they get over to her boat there is another woman there in the same state of undress leaning over the side. While he doesn't recognize her, she instantly says hi and calls him by name. A second later, his jaw drops open and his eyes bug out of his head when he realizes it is a woman that works in our office who you completely would not expect to be there especially in thong, no top and stickers on her nipples. He said that he made a quick escape back to the safety of their boat to avoid any further embarrassment.

It again goes to show that things are never as they seem.

Note: If you know me, please consider this as a "Code of the Road" story. I will not divulge the names so don't ask.

Cross Dressing

Cross Dressing

On Sunday, my parents had picnic at their house. It was a reunion of all the families that we grew up with in our neighborhood. Many have moved away so it was great to get together and catch up with what everyone has been up to. As in typical Carrotpenis fashion there were cocktails involved. I introduced a bunch of people to Vox Raspberry. If you've never tried it, I highly recommend it. It's a real treat. Well let me tell you, after a few Vodkas on the Rocks the true side of people tends to come out.

Jersey Shore!

Jersey Shore!

Last Saturday, the Wife and I packed up the kidlets and headed down to the Jersey Shore, about an hour and a half from my parents house. We landed in Ocean Grove, New Jersey which I have to tell you was fantastic. We had a great time. The beach was clean, no broken beer bottles or cigarette butts anywhere. Lot of families and very few Guido jackasses that tend to frequent the Jersey Shore. There was a Boardwalk but it didn't have any of the cheesy air brush t-shirt vendors like you get in Wildwood or Seaside Heights. And even better I only saw one Banana Hammock the entire time we were there which was a great relief.

That said, people for whatever reason just aren't aware of how much girth they are throwing around and tend to dress inappropriately. I snapped a pic of this cutie walking by us while we were building a sand castle. I'm sorry, but your a one piece sort of girl. Let's leave something to the imagination, huh.

Hey Nice Beaver!

Hey Nice Beaver!

We had a fabulous time on the Carrotpenis road trip. On our way to New Jersey, we passed through scenic western Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania is loaded with nice beaver. There's Beaver College, a town called Beaver, a county called Beaver and yes even a Beaver Township as you can see from the picture above. Just great Beaver everywhere.

While visiting Beaver Township, we stayed at the Days Inn and let me tell you it was a fucking dump. I am now extremely sorry that I didn't take a picture of it. The only thing it had going for it was that it wasn't in a bad neighborhood. Mrs. Carrotpenis had to take a sleeping pill in order to make it through the night. When you are traveling on the road you end up staying at random places, it's inevitable. However, you expect a certain level of service when you stay at a national chain like the Days Inn. This joint fell way short. This is the Days Inn in south Youngstown, PA. Avoid this piece of shit at all costs.

On the Road Again

Again my apologies for not posting more while on vacation. The schedule just did not permit it. Right now we are in the family truckster hauling ass for home in the middle of bumblefuck Pennsylvania. And I've already said a prayer that the hotel we are going to tonight isn't as big a fleabag rat trap as the one we stayed in on the way out here. Wish us luck. Hope to have my posting back up to speed by weeks end.

Vacation Update

To all you bitching and whining about me not posting since I left for vacation, screw you! To everyone else thanks for being patient. The trips for the most part is going well. Here are some random updates of late...

• After 15 hours in the car, no one was left at the side of the road. There was about 5 seconds of contemplation where I was thinking about tossing The Girl out of the car when we had to debate over the difference between a random turkey sub and a "Subway" turkey sub.
• We got to drive through Beaver, Pennsylvania which always makes me laugh. I will share a picture later.
• My hometown of Phillipsburg, New Jersey is just as white trash as I remember it. Sorry, if you live there. I've never seen so many elderly people in my entire life. It seem as though you are constantly waiting for somebody with a walker to get across a parking lot. Also, I have seen at least three bath tub Jesus'. I know you are all jealous.
• The weather sucked on Friday and we didn't get to go to Dorney Park. We did, however, get to see Revenge of the Sith. The kids liked it as did I. The Wife not so much. The whole prequel thing was very confusing for her.
• We took a side trip to the Jersey Shore today. The weather was awesome and we had a great time. What a people watching extravaganza. There was more more fat than you can see at a hog slaughter. I will admit that I didn't see the expected about of mullets. Again, when we return home, I have pictures for proof of this little experience.

Tomorrow, we have a mini reunion of sorts where my parents have invited a group of people that we knew as children in our neighborhood. I anticipate this will be a bevy of bloggable material. After that we are driving down to Washington, DC for a couple of days wandering around the sights. That is if the fucking terrorists can refrain from bombing while we are there. Note: The Carrotpenis' will not change their plans over the actions of you pussie bastards!

I will again try to post from the road.

P.S. Mike and Evil Twin, hope that you are well.

Happy Fourth of July!

Hope that everyone has a wonderful 4th of July. Drink and be merry but remember to Drinksmart. Nobody looks good with a hangover.

I'm going to be out of town starting on Wednesday; the Carrotpenis' are packing up the family truckster and heading out on the open road. I hope to do some posts from the road though. I guarantee there will be something worth mentioning. Such as when I forced to leave the Wife, The Girl, and The Boy on the side of road after I go insane from riding with them in the car for 15 hours.

Random Happenings

Thing have been a bit crazy at the Grind this week so posting has been a bit spotty. You'd think they'd let me fuck around all the time and just write blog entries, but no they keep pushing this stuff at me called work. They're slave drivers I tell you. That said, here are some random happenings from this week.

• The guy that handles the day-to-day office services stuff for me had the nerve to go on vacation. His job sucks and now I am forced to do it. I had forgotten just how many stupid people you have to deal with on a daily basis.
• Just to fuck with people, I changed the Muzak from Lite FM to Classic Rock. For whatever reason it drives people nuts. Nothing like a little Jethro Tull, Aqualung to get the day going I am thinking we'll have a Calypso hour later if someone does anything else to piss me off.
• There have been about 5 submissions to the "Suggestion Box" regarding people being able to wear Capri pants as business casual attire. My response, who the fuck cares either way? Stop wasting everyone's time and get back to work.
• On the train yesterday, Mick and I were forced to watch the "Really Fat Religious Guy" try to get this little blonde to slit her wrists by talking to her incessantly about guess what, religion for the entire ride home. I gurantee she will never sit by him again.
• One of the moron sales reps put diesel instead of unleaded fuel in his leased car. That's what you call a $700 learning experience.
• It has been unbelievably hot this week and as a result the women seem to be wearing less and less clothing. Thank you Mother Nature!
• While I am embarrassed to admit this, I've been watching "Dancing With the Stars!" and I'm even more embarrassed that I think it's pretty amusing. I think that Kelly Monaco from General Hospital is extremely hot. So hot in fact, she may even replace Eva Longoria on My List. Also, Joey MacIntyre is gayer than Freddie Mercury. In fact, I think that the two gay judges may have voted him off because he wouldn't sleep with them.

Well, I better get back to work now. Everyone have a good weekend. Come back next week as the Carrotpenis' take to the open road on our latest White Trash Road Trip. I'm sure there will be some blogging from the road.

Stupid Rain!

All day yesterday the sun was out and the weather was beautiful. That is, until about two seconds before I am ready to hustle out the door to the train. Just my luck! When I hit the lobby it is absolutely pouring with thunder and lightning to boot (i have a small phobia about getting struck by lightning but we can save that for another day); and there I am with no fucking umbrella. Since I had a few extra minutes, I decided to run back up to my office to see if in my slackerdom I had one sitting there from a previous time when it rained in the morning, but I was too lazy to bring it home. By the way, just for this very reason, I have about 4 umbrellas in play at all times. I always have a couple in the trunk of my car because I know that I am notorious for leaving them at the office. Nothing sucks worse than getting out of your car in the morning to walk to the train in the rain and realizing you don't have an umbrella. The afternoon is almost as bad, but at least you don't have to sit in wet clothes for half the day at work.

Well wouldn't you know it, no umbrella in my office. I then resorted to a covert search of the community coat closet to see if there were any other slackers that had left theirs.

Side note...Ever steal an umbrella from a restaurant? Come on you know you have. It's pouring rain outside and you don't have one. There is like fifty in a pile on the floor. No one is around. Boom, you're dry and on your merry way. Don't lie.

Well as luck would have it, there was one in the coat closet. As I am now in jeopardy of being late for my train, I go flying out the door with my sack in one hand and the umbrella in the other. Since I put the umbrella up very quickly, I really didn't get a great look at what was embossed on it. Only after going to get on the train, do I notice that it's this very flamboyant, floral, Estee Lauder version. You know the kind that you get at Marshall Field's when you buy a $50 make up purchase at the gift counter. I figure I only walked past a few hundred other commuters with my "look I'm a woman trapped in a man's body" umbrella. Oh well, it certainly won't be the last time that I embarrass myself in public.

We're White Trash Rich Part Deux

Since the wife entered into semi-retirement a few months ago, things have been a bit strapped financially around the Carrotpenis household. We've all had to make some adjustments to our new financial situation. Gone are some of the luxuries we used to be accustom to. I for instance am no longer eating lunch. Since I am a big fat ass anyway, this is probably for the better.

Anyway, last week I decided to splurge on myself and pay for parking at the train station. I know, you're all wondering how can I get away with such opulence. When I went to take money out of the cash station, the balance was much higher than it should be. Or at least much higher than my wife has been telling me it is. When I asked (confronted) her about the the extra money, she said she had no idea what I was talking about.

After some complicated financial analysis, you know actually comparing the bank statements to the checking account register, we discovered an accounting error. Back in February when we got our tax refund and We Were White Trash Rich the first time, the Wife was apparently delirious about having a windfall of cash and forgot to enter one of my paycheck direct deposits into the checking account register. Woo Hoo! It's like winning the lottery. Looks like we'll be able to afford that big screen TV after all? I'm kidding about that. Hopefully, we can pay off some of the credit card debt we've accumulated. That said, the wife still thinks that I am a big fat ass. No lunch for you!

Wicked!

The Wife and I were riding the vendor gravy train again last night. A company that I use for my job wined and dined us at a really nice restaurant downtown followed by a special dress rehearsal of Wicked at the Oriental Theatre. Damn, I enjoy my job some days.

The play was awesome. It puts a really interesting spin on the Wizard of Oz story from the witches perspective. Goes to show you that things aren't always as they seem. If you have the opportunity to see it, I highly recommend that you do. Anna Gasteyer from Saturday Night Live plays one of the witches and she was phenomenal.

Metra: Fashion Tip!

Here's another one of my Metra fashion tips. These are taken from actually sightings on my train ride to and from work each day. If you are a man and you are carrying one of these bags and you are not with your wife and kids on the way to the pool or beach, you need to take a serious look at your level of masculinity. You might also want to do this if you are on the way to the pool or beach with said wife and kids and the wife is not laden down like a pack mule. Carry the pool chairs or one of the kids for Pete's sake.

They call these "Bitch Bags" for a reason.




Bitch Bag!

Metra: Stupid Idiots

This morning I had to run to an alternate train station to pick up a train ticket. Both of the stations where I get on and off the train don't have a ticket agent. And being the slacker I am, I never plan in advance to get a new 10 ride ticket. So, I occasionally have to make these out of the way runs. This morning I knew I was cutting it close in terms of being able to run into the station, buy the ticket and still catch the train. But that was clearly my fault so I wasn't going to get all worked up about it. Well this was not the case for some of my fellow train station companions.

When I got in line at the station, there were 4 people in line ahead of me and about three minutes before the train was about to come. The first person breezes through like nobody's business. Then, Stupid Bitch #1 (there weren't any more stupid bitches, but I like the way that sounds) gets up to the window. She's buying a ten ride ticket with a check and the check isn't filled out at all when she gets up there. As a side note, figuring out how much your ticket costs is not rocket science. There is a giant chart on the wall with an easy to read matrix. Well she immediately gets in a huff when Ticket Guy, who absolutely reeks of old cigarettes by the way, tells her she'll need to step over to the counter and fill out her check before she can purchase a ticket.

This allows Luck Lady to step up to the front of the line. She too is buying a ten ride and paying by check, but her check is already filled out with all of the proper information and she has her driver's license in hand. She breezes by in about 10 seconds.

By this time the bells are ringing and the train is coming into the station. I realize that I am fucked. Well then Impatient Jackass gets up to the front of the line. He's freaking out that the train is here and he's trying to buy a ticket to the next stop which in a pinch you could probably walk to. He is so agitated he ends up dropping his change on the floor when he walks way. He goes out the door just as the train is pulling up.

At this point, Stupid Bitch #1 jumps back into line in front of line in front of Unlucky Man and me. Apparently, she felt she was entitled to do so after her first go round with Ticket Guy. While I realize this is a shit move, both Unlucky Guy and I don't say anything as Stupid Bitch #1 is clearly having a bad day. Ticket Guy is not so nice and takes advantage of Stupid Bitch #1's bad mood. He suddenly gets picky about her not having a work telephone number on her check. This move delays her just enough for her to miss the train and throws her into what can be clearly described as a blinding rage. At this point both Unlucky Man and I are laughing at her misfortune. That made my morning.

People, here are some words of advice for commuting on the train and probably on buses for that matter. First, the people that sell the tickets at the train station are not to blame for you being late to the station. Don't be a fuck face to them, because they can screw you over in an instant. Second, the people around you are not to blame for you not making it to the station on time; it's probably yours. Don't bring their morning down by being a shitty asshole in their presence. You only end up looking like an idiot and they'll laugh at you when you fall on your face. So, lay off that last glass of vodka at night so you can get out of bed on time and make the train. At the very least if you are going to be late, do it with a positive attitude.

Runaway Bride = Gold Digging Whore

Has anyone caught the latest on Jennifer Wilbanks, the "Runaway Bride" from Georgia. Apparently, the emotional trauma of ditching out on her wedding, running away from her fiance, and lying to the police has subsided. Mine would too if I just signed a $500,000 book/movie deal and was doing an interview with Katie Couric and NBC that was almost certainly paid for. In an instant she's gone from pathetic crazy bride to gold digging whore. I hope that someone files a civil suit against her and takes all her money.

I was thinking of running away to see if I could profit from it; but I'm afraid that I'd find out no one would want to come and look.

Weiner Dog Rebuttal!

Well color me brown and call me a h0t dog; the Weiner Dog, I'm sorry Dawg, has spoken. In response to my post of last Tuesday about Hating Weiner Dogs, the Weiner Dawg has responded. That ball of fur even went as far as to call me a Big Baby. Well, those who enjoy eating cat shit, should think very carefully before calling other people names. That said, thanks for the mention, because any press is better than no press at all. Also, I'd much rather be a carrotpenis than a "little weiner" dawg.