Law Firm Shenanigans...

This is an actual email exchange from a law firm that I do business with. It is utterly hilarious. I've changed the names to protect the innocent...Start from the bottom, it's much funnier that way.

-----Original Message-----
From: Asshole Lawyer 3
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2008 12:04 PM
To: Facility Girl; Asshole Lawyer 1; Asshole Lawyer 2
Subject: RE: Emergency Response Team

Personally, I find all of these shenanigans irresponsible.

-----Original Message-----
From: Asshole Lawyer 2
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2008 12:01 PM
To: Facility Girl; Asshole Lawyer 1
Cc: Asshole Lawyer 3
Subject: RE: Emergency Response Team

I'm working from home today, but will look into the email situation when I am back in the office on Thursday. As you no doubt will understand after reading Asshole Lawyer's email, I am currently trying to avoid making any commitments to the firm that extend beyond a two week period.

Regards,

Asshole Lawyer 2

-----Original Message----- From: Asshole Lawyer 1
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2008 11:58 AM
To: Facility Girl
Cc: Asshole Lawyer 2; Asshole Lawyer 3
Subject: RE: Emergency Response Team

Facility Girl:

Clearly, Asshole Lawyer 2 came into my office and sent from my computer the e-mail indicating I would be willing to serve on your rescue squad. I think you should find someone else besides me. If some emergency were to actually occur here, the only emergency response plan I intend to effect is called "Lookie Outie for Numero Uno." I plan to run out of this place so fast you'll need extra rescue team members just to pick up the old ladies I knock over in my escape. I'll be standing outside on the street with a venti, extra shot, easy vanilla latte from Starbucks before your team members even have their cute little orange vests put on. You know that guy on the Titanic that got into the life raft before all the women and children? That's me.
I think Asshole Lawyer 2 just nominated himself by sending you the false message. I recommend you use him to fill whatever position requires him to stay behind and fight the flames before they get to our files. I know that could be very dangerous and put his life at stake, but it's a risk I'm willing to take.

Asshole Lawyer 1

-----Original Message-----
From: Facility Girl
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2008 11:37 AM
To: Asshole Lawyer 1
Subject: RE: Emergency Response Team

THANKS!!!

-----Original Message-----
From: Asshole Lawyer 1
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2008 11:17 AM
To: Facility Girl
Subject: RE: Emergency Response Team

I will

-----Original Message-----
From: Facility Girl
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2008 11:07 AM
To: Entire Law Firm

Subject: Emergency Response Team
Importance: High

Your floor is looking for a few more volunteers for the Emergency Response team. This is very important for your safety as well as others in the event of an emergency. Please let me know if you are willing to volunteer.

When is a Date a Date?

Clearly I am going to have a start a list. Let's call this one New Single Guy Learning Experience #2. Just to recap...If you recall #1 was don't date two girls and be seen on television with one of them.

Okay, #2 is when you are recently single guy and you ask a single girl out for drinks as friends, there is the distinct possiblity that she may think it's a date. This has happened to me on not one but two separate occasions. The first time, met random female aquaintance on train and had a nice conversation. We exchanged a few funny emails. One night I was bored and shot her and email asking her if she'd be interested in meeting me for a drink. To date, there was no discussion of dating, I assumed it was two casual friends going out for a drink. Apparently, I was wrong because I was informed later that it was a considered date.

Situation two, a divorced soccer mom from my team has agreed to cover for me while I am out of town this weekend. She's never coached soccer before and clearly had a lot of questions about what to do. I offered to meet her for a drink last night to go over any questions she had. Someone told me that it was probably going on a date. I said "No way, we are just talking about soccer." Well once again, I was wrong it was a date. What tipped me off? We had cocktails and sat for easily an hour talking with not one mention of soccer. The whole evening lasted nearly four hours and soccer talk consisted of about 5 minutes of that time period.

Ladies, can you give me some guidance here? When is just drinks, just drinks? And when is just drinks, a DATE? Is there some code word I need to use to make it go one way or another? Or do I just need to throw it out there. Don't get me wrong both times I had a really nice time. I am just confused about what constitutes a date and what doesn't.

Well, it's official...The Semi- Divorce is over!

I no longer need to describe myself to single women as being semi-divorced. I have to admit that was always an awkward moment; but I have to tell you not typically a dealbreaker. The county of Lake in the state of Illinois has officially decreed we are no longer legally Mr. & Mrs. Carrotpenis. While it's honestly been over for me for a fairly long time now mentally, I do find the legally severing of things a bit cathartic.

Well let the single guy shenanigans begin. Oh, that's right they've already started. In fact, I think that train has pretty much left the station. After 6 or so months of being semi-divorced, now when I'm around my married guy friends and their wives, I've noticed them (the wives I mean) giving that certain look of disgust. You know the one. The one that says, don't you dare lure my semi-happily married husband into yet another girl ogling, liquor imbibing, cigarette smoking debacle. I'm clearly going to need to find some new single guy friends.

Or perhaps I could grow up a bit and go and scoop somebody else's wife from a recently failed marriage. Oh that's right, that's been done already. But I will save that story for another day.

Does this Surprise Anyone?

As some of you are aware, I am a giant fan of the Vendor Boondoggle. You know where you're the customer and your vendors give you lots of cool shit just becuause you are doing business with them. I have been on the receiving end of some really incredible things through my job. To give you an idea, over the past 10 years, I've gone to easily 20 Chicago Bears games at Solider Field. During that entire time, I've only sat outside in the elements twice. Every other time has been from the open bar comfort of a luxury skybox.

Well as luck would have it the Vendor Fairies were looking down upon me once again for opening day at Wrigley. One of my vendors who will remain nameless has the easily 4 of the best seats in Wrigley Field. They are in the 3rd row right behind the Cubs dugout near the batter's circle. If you've never been that close, it's a surreal experience. When the players come off the field, they are literally an arms reach away. One of the only drawbacks is that you really need to pay attention to the game lest take a foul ball in the noggin ala Drew Barrymore in Fever Pitch.

Another drawback which it took this game for me to figure out by the way is that you are on TV a lot. I am sure if you are dad with your kids and they are trying to have them show their fucking "Hi Mom!!!" sign on TV so that mom can ooh and ahh from home or perhaps a good looking girl in a low cut blouse who doesn't mind having her tits shown on WGN then this is all well and good. However, if you are a good looking semi-divorced guy dating two girls at once and one of them has a slacker job that allows her to be home in the afternoon to watch the Cubs on TV, then not so much. To make matter worse the Cubs new player Fukedome (which I think is really pronounced...fuck you, do me) hit a 3 run homer in the bottom of the ninth to tie the game causing the crowd including me and Girl 1 to go wild for the television cameras. Then they were nice enough to show shot of Girl 1 and I celebrating no less than 1700 times for Girl 2. So much in fact that Girl 2 now refers to Girl 1 as Brown Haired Girl in White Hoodie at least to my face. I am sure that she uses another moniker with her girl friends.

Well we will just need to chalk this up a New Single Guy Learning Experience #1. Okay, I am sure it's not number one, but it's in the top 20 or so.

Does Anyone Think...

That this may be the reason why when I have a date over to my house for dinner and drinks that the romance of whole situation quickly ends. Come on, what girl doesn't enjoy an overly affectionate 17 pound cat sitting on your lap purring while you're watching a movie. I am mostly kidding about that. Clearly, the big win during the division of assets portion of my divorce was "Precious" here. Sure, I did get to keep the 5 burner stainless steel grill but since winter has yet to end here in Chicago I'm still debating if that was a win in this situation.

Do single women give you a break for having a cat due to divorce or am I automatically labeled as "Guy with Cat"? I am surmising that the situation is not good. I've tried several times to ship said cat off to the "farm", but kids keep putting up a veiled defensive front. They claim to love the cat and hint that I will no longer be loved if cat mysteriously disappears one day. Yet, when they come over to my place Senor Hairball is largely ignored for the TV. I did notice a large hawk scoop up a rabbit in the neighbor's front yard last week. Perhaps, the cat and I need to start enjoying some outdoor activities together. That said, it's going to take a pretty big hawk to get his giant ass off the ground. Perhaps, there's a gang of hawks in the neighborhood to take him on.

Men vs. Women

Someone sent this to me but I felt it was definitely worth posting. Number 2 is dead on. I nearly peed my pants at number 6 about about cats (more on that later). And there's no greater truth in this world than number 9.

1. NAMES- If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT- When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. There will also be a great debate on how each owes based on exactly what they consumed.

3. MONEY- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS- A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream , razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS- A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS- Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10. DRESSING UP- A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING- Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY- Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Happy 40th Fat Bastard!!!

The Fat Bastard turned 40 a couple of weeks ago and there was an out of control birthday party at Cowboy and Party Girl's house. I think some people are still on the wagon because of it. FB's wife Nice & Easy finally sent me the link to the pictures. I may post some more when time permits.

Further Proof...

...that I am gigantic jackass. On Wednesday, we had a pretty big snowstorm in the northern Chicago burbs. I think that totals ended up in the 12 plus inch range. To make matters worse, it came down really fast, probably 2 inches per hour. On Tuesday morning when I got to the train station, there was just a light dusting on the ground. When I got home around 2pm, there was easily 8 inches on the ground and not a fucking plow in sight.

As a result of said poor plowing and the fact that my Camry sucks in the snow, I ended up pulling out of my space about 2 feet and getting firmly caught in the deep snow. After about 10 minutes of swearing and trying to get the damn thing out, I got frustrated and started to hike home which is about 2.5 miles. As luck would have it, a co-worker picked me up after only about a mile. This was of course plenty enough time to completely fill my hood with snow and drench my jacket and gloves.

Well since I didn't have a ride back to the train station that evening or any motivation to go and dig it out for that matter, I left my piece of shit car at the train station overnight. The next morning, Cowboy picked me up on his way to the train. In anticipation of my big dig, I threw a broom and a shovel in his back seat. Due to the car's assinine position in the lot, the plows were unable to plow around the car very well. And as a result which you can see from the picture above, I was taking up about 6 prime parking places. To give you an idea of what an asshole I looked like, the blue car behind me is parked correctly in a legitimate space. To make the situation even worse, Cowboy and I were running late for our train. I ended up only having a few seconds to toss the shovel and broom in the back seat. And my car sat there like that until 3pm, over 24 hours from when I left it there initially. I am sure I was cursed many times that day.

Does anyone think....

I should have an cause for concern that STBX and the kids may be plotting my demise from a life insurance scam. This is what the kids got me for Christmas, I kid you not. I guess I should just enjoy the fact that they are deluded enough to think that I won't break my neck on this thing.

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa:

As you already know, I've been a really good boy this year and am certainly deserving of some Christmas presents. Okay, maybe I haven't been all that good but cut me some slack already fat man; it's been a rough last 6 months. I am sure I can think of some others but here's my short list...

1. A colander. My old colander was foolishly lost in the division of assets with the soon to be ex Mrs Carrotpenis. How am I supposed to eat Ramen noodles if I can't drain the damn things.

2. A frying pan with a lid that fits. See note about colander above. I've discovered the hard way that you can't make rice-a-roni without it.

3. An appointment with The Cat Whisperer. While I've never heard of the Cat Whisperer, I am sure there is some nut job out there that does it. After all, there's a horse whisperer and a dog whisperer. That said, if the cat doesn't stop peeing in the now vacant dining room, I am going to build a one time use Cat Cannon.

4. A hot date to the Bears Packer game. I have two skybox tickets and no special (am by special, I mean hot and easy) lady to share them with. As game is on the 23rd, if you could get a move on this one, that will be greatly appreciated.

5. A new snowshovel. While old snow shovel was not lost in asset division, it sucks. And if the snow continues like it has been, it's going to be a long winter in Chicago.

6. A personal shopper. This whole grocery shopping thing is going to be the death of me. I absolutely hate going to Walmart. I'd spit on your grave Sam Walton; of course that would mean I'd have to go to Arkansas. I'd rather go to Walmart every day than do that.

7. A hot date in general. Screw the Bears Packers, I'd settle for dinner and drinks with a "special" lady. Please see description of "special" above in number 4.

Come on Santa, I'm not asking for much here. It's not like I want a Wii or anything like that.

Yours Truly,

Carrotpenis

Halloween Pics- It's about freaking time!

Since Christmas is right around the corner, I figured it might be time to get some Halloween Pictures posted. These were from a party hosted by The Accountant and his wife The Little Red Witch. It was a great time. This is a random sampling of the picture I felt able to post. You'll all be thankful that I spared you the one of The Fat Bastard in the hot tub.

Here The Little Red Witch does a great portrayal of the St. Pauli Girl.


Party Girl and Mrs. Fat Bastard having a tender moment.


The Fat Bastard trying to give Cowboy a french kiss. Fat Bastard, your wife must be one happy lady.


Party Girl and The Little Red Witch having a contest to see who has a better display of cleavage.

Here The King aka The Cowboy tries to cop a fell on Mrs. Fat Bastard.

I figure I will have my holiday pics up sometime around Easter. So, Enjoy!

Whose Cleavage is This?

This fine photo was snapped at Austin's in Libertyville a couple of weeks ago. Anyone care to make a guess on whose cleavage this is?

Prophetic Fortune Cookie

Hot blonde co-worker and I went to lunch at quickie Chinese buffet. While I don't take too much stock in fortune cookies, I am going to see where this one takes me....

"Soon a visitor shall delight you."

Unexpectedly thrust onto the dating scene, you go have to take what you can get...

Views from the Crackberry- Dead Guy on Train

The Mick and I rode the Metra on the way home last Friday. This guy was asleep when we got on the train and was still asleep when we got off the train. I swear I saw a puddle of drool on his laptop. He was so out of it that at one point, I even contemplated putting a mirror up to his mouth to see if he was still breathing.

Views from the Crackberry

Had a business trip to New York City a few weeks back. While I was there, I bamboozled my way onto a dinner cruise around Manhattan. I took this shot with my Crackberry. Too bad the ones of the Statue of Liberty didn't come out better. Well what do you expect from a little pin hole in the back of a cell phone.

Genesis Rocks!

The Fish (aka Mr. Fun) and I went to see Genesis at the United Center last night on a vendor boondoggle. It was a great time. While I am not that into Phil and the boys, they put on a great show. I can also now check them off my list of classic bands to see before they break up or die.

Cub's Game Busy

The Rooster, Mick and I have a running joke. Last Summer I blew them off for lunch on a Thursday because I was really busy at work. Then the same day, I proceeded to blow off a half day of work to go catch the Cubbies when someone invited me last minute. Come on, it was a sunny day and it was the Cubs at Wrigley. Now, whenever I say I am busy at work, they say are you really busy or just Cubs Game Busy.

You Know You Work for a Great Company When...

You come into work and there is a bottle of tequila sitting on your desk. Anyone got a lime and some salt? Yum!

Random Musings

Okay enough with Harry Potter and the Giant Penis; it's about time for a new post. I am going to go with some random thoughts and semi-humorous fodder from the land o' Carrotpenis...

• I am going to say it right now. The Cubs are going to once again fuck a good thing up. They have great talent; have put up impressive numbers but the train is clearly coming off the tracks. I just don't think they have what it takes to finish the deal. Hopefully, they will find someone to scapegoat like Steve Bartman the last time. For the love of Christ, I hope that I am wrong.
• I can clearly see that I am not going to be very good at the whole dating thing. I am already dreading the whole courting process of faking interest in someone to see if there's any slim possibility that there really is something between you or perhaps she's easy and will let you sleep with her. Okay, perhaps I'd be willing to put some work into that.
• Yes folks, I am once again "Molding America's Youth". I am foolishly coaching not one but two of The Boy's soccer teams. What am I thinking? I figure I am spending an easy 15-20 hours a week just devoted to soccer. As luck would have it though, I conveniently now have some free time worked into my schedule.
• Work is crazed as well. I can't figure out whether I am coming or going. I want to smack the hell out of the people who invented SAP. They are the bane of my existence right now. I want to pay my bills, honest I do. The SAP (DEVIL) won't let me do it. I am hoping that ComEd will just shut off the lights because we haven't paid them and then I can just go home.
• I just saw the previews for It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia which starts up again on FX this Thursday. If you haven't caught this train wreck, I highly advise that you check it out; over the top funny.
• A buddy of mine from college, Mike Weinreb, is up for a book award through MSNBC and The Quills for his book, The Kings of New York, as "Book of the Year". Log in and vote for him if you have a second, http://www.quillsvote.com/.
• Jersey Girl now has a blog all her own. She did somehow forget to send me the link though. Perhaps she's embarrassed to be affiliated with such drivel. Luckily, Cowboy was nice enought to send it along. Well if you have a chance check it out.....http://paintchick.blogspot.com/. If I didn't mention it before, she has a bit of paint fetish.
• I was mocked by a co-worker for saying there it was okay to tailgate at Ravinia. Come on people, who says you can't have a tailgate in the parking lot before you hit the orchestra seats? Cowboy, New Party Girl and I hit there a couple of weeks ago to catch Hootie and the Blowfish. We rode the vendor gravy train and listened to some pretty good tunes on the lawn. The weather could have been a bit better though. Classic moment of the evening was a a toss up between cute gopher girl dropping her Panera in the parking lot at the train station (I bet her boss was pissed) and then being helped by inebriated guy much to the chagrin of inebriated guy's wife. And very drunk dorky guy on bus home being mocked by hot girls in short skirts and no underwear. I will give kudos to guy for pulling together his group of hot girls but I am guessing they think he's gay.
• I went to my 20th high school reunion two weeks ago. Had a blast but was bamboozled into driving home a drunk friend by two other friends who ditched us at a bar at 2am. I am plotting my revenge right now. I will delve into further details of the reunion in a separate post.
• Looking for a bachelor/single dad pad in the Grayslake area. If anyone know of a great place, please pass it along. I am looking for close proximity to train station, downtown area, and single hot moms. Fat Bastard, perhaps I can sublet that inlaw apartment you call a fish tank in your basement.

Alright, the freaks on the Metra are calling and it's time to pack up my shit and get the hell out of here before I kill someone. Bon Voyage.

Harry Potter: The Lost Episodes

In one of Harry's lesser know tales. Harry is encased in glass, turned into butter by the evil LordVoldemort and then attacked by a giant butter penis. In a panic Harry shits butter onto the floor.

New Party Girl snapped this at the Iowa State Fair. Party Girl insists that isn't a giant penis but in fact an owl on a log. Come on people, who's that sculptor kidding; that's a penis. Bible belt my ass.