Random Fun & Excitement!

Here's just a random sampling of the fun and excitement otherwise known as my like...

• First off, to the fucking idiot with the Illinois license plate that reads RN A TAB, here's my middle finger to you. Maybe your license plate should read DRVNG STOOPID. When you see an accident up ahead and people merging, get your damn ass over; don't stay in the left lane until the last possible moment and then cut in your like your all pissed off that the people who have been waiting patiently didn't accomodate your sorry ass. Well I digress.
• Was berated like a child by a member of management because in a rage they fucked something up and I wasn't able to call in a favor and fix it. That was fun let me tell you. And after the fact, I'm kinda glad I couldn't fix it after all.
• Had a little cocktail party on the train yesterday with The Mick and our new "train friend" Big D. If you haven't tried Jim Beam Black, I highly suggest it. Big D is one of those people who is kind of heavy but looks like they have a skinny person trapped inside of them. I also think he may be having a cocktail party at work starting just after lunch as he always reeks of liquor and cigarettes.
• Found out that "I" (another train friend)'s company is thinking of going to jeans five days a week. For a moment, I actually thought of calling their switchboard to complain about it so she'd have to keep wearing short skirts to work. She has legs that most women would kill for. And hopefully in the next 90 days or so, it's going to warm up here in Chicago.
• Just realized I can't wait for it to warm up so that the standard attire of long pants, turtle necks and parkas can be put in moth balls and replaced with belly shirts, skirts with no stockings and tanned skin. Not just on "I" but on the masses in general. Mick, you can leave your belly shirt at home.
• Am up to my ears in trying to sell our house. I just cannot believe the crap you have to do to sell your humble abode. If our shitty carpet was good enough for us for 10 years, why the hell do I have to put new in for people I don't even know. If you know of anyone looking for a place in the northern burbs, let me know and I will send them a link to our listing.

Well I better run, "The Man" has a little more blood to suck from me before the end of the day. I am taking the day off tomorrow to watch the Union Labor put the carpeting down. Everyone have a safe and happy weekend!

Where Did All the Time Go?

Holy crap! I just realized that I did my first post on the Chronicles, February 14, 2005 and I have been posting to this little trainwreck for over a year. Today is just over 1 year and one month in fact. Over the past year and 33 days, I have done 212 posts, 213 if you count this one. That breaks down to 1.8685 posts per day. Not too shabby, considering how infrequent they have been as of late. I also thought this was a good time to look at the old Stat Counter to see where we stand after the first year. Well here goes...Over the last 398 days, I had over 22,000 pages loads, over 15,000 unique visitors, 11,ooo first time visitors, and 4200 returning visitors. Not sure what that means, but at least somebody is reading this piece of shit.

Thanks to all of you who have been reading on a regular basis and even checking back during my work imposed semi-hiatus. A special thanks to those of you who either commented or provided fodder for me to write about including but certainly not limited to those that follow:

• Rooster & Mick- You realize that when the level of our regular train rides and lunches dropped so did the quality of my writing. Let's work on that.
• Drunken Master and Melina- Thanks for the comments. I would have a drink with either of you anytime. Nice pigtails by the way; not you Master.
• To My Life is God's Comic Strip- Thanks for all the visitors! Remember, all men are jackasses; there is simply no way of getting around it. You just need to find one that looks good and doesn't piss you off too much.
• Cowboy and Fresh- That for the content, let's keep that up. Fresh, I have bottle of Barcardi. I am sure you can make that into something worth writing.
• Fat Bastard, Paper Lady, and Harvard- Thanks for always reading. Leave some comments once in a while.

If I missed anyone I apologize. Oh yeah, last but certainly not least, thanks to my wife for refusing to read the blog. Your probably better off anyway. Well here's to another year. Happy St. Patrick's day. Be sure to have an Irish%

"Work is the Curse of the Drinking Class!" - Anonymous

Found my blog post title while checking out MySpace and thought it pretty much sums up things for me today. I don't know who to attribute the quote to but it's certainly plagarized from some brillant mind.

I've also determined over the past few days that there are some really fucked up people on MySpace. There are also a ton of extremely hot lesbians that want nothing to do with men on there as well. Which there's definitely nothing wrong with except for the fact that I suspect that they are just porn stars trying to get guys to go to the websites. But I digress?

I've decided that a little fun side item of the blog would be to post myspace profiles that caught my fancy for one reason or another so that you could check them out. Well, this Biotch as she calls herself not only appears a bit fucked up, but she's also fairly hot in a bleach blond fake boobs sort of way. Again not that there's anything wrong with that. My myspace recommendation of the day is ForBiddeN. If you have any good ones that you've discovered and you think are worth posting, shoot their link my way.

On a final note, my office looks directly out over the front circle drive way at our building so I can see people coming and going all day. Well I just looked out the window and what is sitting there but a Mac Daddy stretch Ford Excursion limousine. You know like the ones you see for a bachelorette party or picking up horny Navy guys at the Gurnee Mills mall. Not only that but a whole bunch of foreign visitors, who were the ones riding in it, were taking pictures of it with their camera phones. We just hit a whole new level of class here at mothership.

Vegas Recap!

Well since I didn't dive right in and do a post about this the moment I got back, I am guessing you already knew that my Vegas trip was pretty tame. Here are some random highlights anyway...

• Probably the highlight of the trip, and this is pretty sad, was watching this prostitute and her 300lb 60 year old Asian John playing roulette. She had to have won $10,000 just in the few minutes that I was standing there. She then was nice enough to do this jump up and down dance much to the delight of onlookers, myself included, throughout the casino.
• Discovered that Lions are probably the laziest fucking animals ever. The MGM has this glassed in lion display. No matter what time of the day or night that you wandered past the enclosure those damn things were sleeping with the nuts hanging out all over the place. You'd think they could train them to eat Siegfried or something fun like that.
• Discovered that having boobs is directly proportional to the view of your hotel room. Me with no tits, worth mentioning at least, gets a fantastic view of the back alley. Boobed members of our entourage get a fantastic view of the strip. Go figure.
• Saw a man child on all fours bark like a dog for drinks at Coyote Ugly just to have some ugly bitch pour peach schnaaps down his throats; damn I miss those days.
• Discovered that in Vegas it's perfectly acceptable to smoke a cigarette and drink Bud Light from a can at 6:30 in the morning while waiting for your Egg McFucking Muffin in line at Mickey D's. It certainly made my Egg McFucking Muffin all the more delicious, let me tell you.
• A final highlight of my little trip was winning back just about all that I lost the previous two nights by playing three hands of blackjack instead of going to my 8 o'clock meeting on time. Let me save face with The Wife by not having to tell her I lost a bundle.

Well gotta run, we're still sprucing up the trailer so we can move into that double wide. There's a paint brush a callin.

Vegass!!!

I'm in Vegas for the next two days on a boondoggle. I mean business trip. So far it has been fairly tame. I am with the most boring group possible which probably explains it. I am by far the youngest person in the group and one of only two males. The group's idea of a wild evening is a glass of wine at dinner. Hard to have anything stay in Vegas with this pack of nerds. I may need to break away from the herd tonight. I will keep you posted.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Remember ladies, nothing says Happy Valentine's Day like a good blow job! As you know, chcolates are always nice, but the definite sure bet is a "Step up to the Mike". The man in your life will certainly enjoy it. And Guys be sure to reciprocate the favor.

Happy Valentine's Day!

The New Look

I'm not sure what I think about the new look, but I know I was tired of the old one. Since I am literally an html idiot, I was forced to suck at the teet of other's kindness. Thanks to http://www.isnaini.com/about/ for the template. It is greatly appreciated.

Everyone have a great weekend. I will be attending an International Festival of Beer Party where I am designated to bring a beer and side dish from Greece. After an internet search, I discovered that Greece makes about one fucking beer. Why couldn't I get somewhere like England where you get a couple hundred to choose from? I'm bringing my camera so hopefully we'll have some images of drunken housewives kissing to show you next week.

Just overheard at my desk....

I am sitting at my desk minding my own business when I overhear these two women having a conversation over the a box of Whitman Sampler candy just outside my door. One says to the other..."I don't like when you put one in your mouth and squishy stuff gets all over." My instant thought was that a blow job is pretty much out of the questions then. Gotta love when you take things out of context.

You Know "The List"

I swear I did a post about this previously, but I can't for the life of me find it right now. If anyone sees it in the archives, please let me know. I am writing to inform all of you that I am making a official change to The List. You know The List. The list of people that my wife would have to let me sleep with if the opportunity presented itself, no questions asked. I actually think that my wife may be willing to have a threesome with this person, she's so beautful. But I digress.

Not being a professional wrestling fan, this person was a new one to me. No, you jackasses, it's not Chyna. I'm talking about Stacy Kiebler. She is currently participating in Dancing with the Stars on ABC. I don't know if you've ever given the show a chance yet or not, but highly suggest that you do. If only for one reason, Stacy Kiebler has one of the most fantastic bodies ever and dances in these extremely revealing outfits. What she can do with her long legs is just amazing. So, for the record, here's the updated list in no paticular order...

1. Stacy Kiebler (see above)
2. Jennifer Love Hewitt (Doe brown eyes and a great body)
3. Kelly Monaco (another Dances with the Star participant; do you sense a theme?)
4. Eva Longoria (all around beautiful)
5. Melissa McGurren* (Chicago radio personality; very cute; extremely sexy voice)

To add Stacy, I am going to remove Jennifer Aniston. She just hasn't done it for me since she became a big enough star to stop showing off her nipples on Friends.

*- I believe that it's important to have someone on your list that there is at least a remote possibility that you could run into them on the street.

Master- This would definitely be a good hottie of the week. That Doctor Quinn lady while beautiful doesn't have anything on Stacy.

Google Stalking

Has anyone ever noticed that when you do a little Google stalking for say an old girlfriend or signifcant other, you rarely find anything good about them. By good I mean that I'm always hoping the've turned into some sort of degenerative freak. You know like a good amateur porn lesbian stripper with their own web site. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Here's where I'm going with this one. For whatever reason, the name of an old female acquaintance popped into my head yesterday. Actually it was this crazy girl that both me and my friend Fuckin Buck dated. Well a quick Google search and boom bada bing, you know actually what the person is up to. My initial hope was that she turned into a Goth, got a bunch of tatoos, and was working at a club as DJ. No such luck there, she's now a motiviational speaker for corporate events. I have no idea what she could actually motivate people to do except to run away from her. Then after a quick search on her married name, I found this lovely religious testimony about how she came to believe in Jesus with a picture and all. As an aside, I will have to admit that she's aging quite gracefully. And if she did something about that gigantic can of hers I'd even say attractive. But motivational speaker and bible banger, two things I wouldn't have pegged on this one in a million years.

So, anyone out there have a good amateur porn lesbian stripper stalking story to share. Rooster, I'm sure that one of your friends is running a porn site now. Please do tell.

Made my Day

Haven't posted from my crackberry on a drive to work in while but can't let this one pass.

I just saw an overweight black man dressed in a Statue of Liberty outfit hawking for a tax preparation joint. That is quite a a sight at 7:30 am let me tell you. I nearly drove off the road it was so funny. I have to tell you my day is going to be all down hill from here. I will be sure to bring the digital next time for a picture.

What a Long Strange Trip It's Been...

Not really, I guess, but it was the first title that came to mind so I am going with it. As I rode the train the other day, I fondly thought back to the lazy days of Summer. To a simpler time when there wasn't a ton of work to do and I could pump out 2 or sometimes 3 posts a day. Well that fucking dream is over let me tell you. Any leisure time that I enjoyed for those brief few weeks has been paid back in toil and stress ten times over. I am literally drowning in the crap that I need to get done. Usually, an adept juggler of many tasks, balls are hitting the floor everywhere. I can't even count the number of unreturned phone calls I have yet to make or the simple bullshit work that I haven't had time to complete. I haven't approved an invoice in like two weeks.

Well enough ranting. Since it's been a good bit, about 31 days, since I did a post, I think a random highlights list is in order to get everyone up to speed with the idiocy that surrounds my life.

• Our parent company has decided to move their headquarters across the street from our building. And guess who has to bow down and kiss their feet on a regular basis while providing them office services. Well, it's acutally not me. It is, however, the people that work for me and I have to listen them bitch about it on a regular basis. I also have to listen to the Mother Ship Prima Donnas bitch when the feet kissing isn't done like it was at their old office. I'll singlehandedly pack up the trucks and move them back if they'll just leave me alone.
• Asshole Lawyer has moved onto greener pastures. Right before the holidays, he got a job offer to be the Supreme Asshole Lawyer for a Major League Baseball Team. Since he's a gigantic pussy and couldn't handle the work here, he put in his two week's notice and rode off into the sunset. Awesome opportunity for him, but already the office just isn't as fun. Who will I go and make fun of people with at OCB? I tried it with Old Boy Friday last week, but it just wasn't the same. Asshole, if you are reading, the Mah Jong ladies were asking about you. Something about they way you danced at their holiday party; I wasn't sure what to make of that one.
• My other friend, Squig, is also leaving town. Apparently, the couple hundred thousand gay guys in Chicago weren't enough for him. He's taking his one man penis lovin road show to New York. All the best to him. New York, you better watch out. Squig, remember to leave the U-Haul at home when you go out on that second date. And don't turn into a cynical bitch like the rest of the people where you are going to work.
• The better half and I have decided upgrade the family trailer and get ourselves a double-wide. Tentative move date is sometime this Spring. We are now in the process of painting the current family homestead in order to make it more enticing for the sucker that purchases it. It boggles my mind that it was perfectly fine that the mud room wasn't painted for ten years. Now that we are going to sell the bitch, I have to cram my fat ass behind the furnace for some idiots I don't even know. And to think I just ran cable to the garage, that completely sucks as well. I am sure this little real estate venture will provide a bevy of bloggable material so I will keep you posted.
• The work suggestion box has been a hot bed of stupidity lately. Really inane suggestions of late include, a ban on popcorn making in the office and forcing sick employees to wear surgical masks while at work. For some, there clearly isn't enough work being given to them. Idle hands....well you know how it goes.
• Won $80 playing Texas Holdem two weeks ago, yeah for me. As The Wife can attest, I suck at literally every other card game on Earth, but for some reason I tend to be very lucky at Texas Holdem. Of the 10 times over the last year that I played, I've only lost money once. All the other times, I either broke even or more often came home with some winnings.
• This morning, I got stuck behind what quite possibly may be the 5 stupidest people in Lake County trying to buy a train ticket at the Round Lake Metra Station. Hey jackasses, write the check out before you get in line. I ended up missing the train I wanted to take because of it and had to sit in the dingy station for 20 minutes waiting for the next one. The only upside was that their were two hot girls to brighten the scenery. I may jump the train in Round Lake a little more often.

Well, it's now 9:55 a.m. and I still haven't done a lick of work yet today. Back to the grind. I'm going to make an honest effort to post more often though. This was pleasantly relaxing for me.

P.S. Happy belated birthday to the Drunken Master. Hope you post some pics from your birthday bash.

Minding My Own Business

Yesterday, I went lunch with a vendor I use on a regular basis. We went to J. Alexander's in Northbrook, IL. If you are in the area, I definitely recommend it, very good food and very hot waitresses. As luck would have we of course got the only gay guy working there out of a sea of hot asses and attractive boobs but that's not the reason for my post.

At about the halfway point in our meal, I felt the need to hit the little boy's room and relieve myself. I know, big surprise. In my own defense though, I did hog down about 3 glasses of iced tea before I had to excuse myself. Anyway, I am standing there at the urinal doing my business. Well not exactly doing my business yet, but definitely getting ready to do my business. Just then, I hear the door open and someone walks into the loo with me. Being curious, I glance out of the corner of my eye to see who it is. Not three steps away from me with my fly undone and my equipment out and at the ready is a woman fixing her makeup and hair in the mirror. She's looks to be about in late fifties. My first thought is "fuck, I'm in the ladies room". Then I quickly glance down and confirm that I am in fact standing at a urinal. My second thought was this is extremely funny and I'm going to run with it. Not bothering to zip up, I call out over my shoulder as calmly as I could muster, "Excuse me, Miss, I think you may be in the men's room." Her immediate response was, "OH MY GOD!!!!" followed by her screaming, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" as she quickly exited the restroom. Quickly may be an a bit of an understatement; there may have been sonic boom as she left the room. I was laughing my ass off as she did so.

After that, there was only two respectable things left to do, well after peeing and washing my hands of course. Go out and tell your lunch buddies what had happened and then try to find this woman in the restaurant so you can all point and laugh. We did have a good laugh over the whole thing, but I wasn't able to find her when I took a good look around. Maybe she made a beeline for the car after her classy exit from the rest room.

Everyone have a safe and happy New Year. Drink and be merry. But remember to Drink Smart.

Happy Holidays, you Fuckers!

You just can't please anyone. Late last week, I sent out the following holiday e-mail on my Crackberry to some of my friends that I don't keep in touch with on a very regular basis....

As many of you are fully aware, I am way too lazy to go through the ceremony of sending Christmas/Holiday cards. Even if I wasn't, I probably don't have your home address anyway. So, this email is going to have to do.

I hope that everyone has a great holiday and a safe and happy new year.

Love, Carrotpenis

Now, I know that it was a little impersonal but it's the thought that counts, right? Wouldn't you know it, some of the people on my list had the audacity to criticize my methods. First of all jackasses, your handcrafted Christmas card must have gotten lost in the mail, because I didn't receive it. Or even a shitty pathetic email from you for that matter. At least I made the effort to stay in touch with your sorry ass. For those of you that complained that there was no picture, I didn't see one attached to your response. Maybe your ass has gotten so gigantic that the wide angle just can't manage to get it all in or the glare from your balding head is no longer able to be captured on film. Whatever it is, be glad you got something at all.

To the ones I got nice responses from, thanks a bunch. It's nice to know you can stay acquainted with certain people with just a brief email, once in awhile. My friend Hexy even sent me a picture of him and his son. Thank God, that Boy got his mother's head.

Peace, Love, and Happiness in the New Year!

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?

You are probably asking yourself, where the fuck is the carrotpenis? What has he been up to since that last post from the airport. Where are those fucking pictures he promised. Well first off, wine and taking pictures aren't always a classic combination. Sometimes when I am drinking, I can take hundreds of pictures. Other times, I get lost in the moment of the social atmosphere and totally forget to bring the camera out; my business trip to California wine country was one of those times. Well I'll have to use the written word to dazzle you with activities of the past week or so.

• As I arrived at the Silverado Resort and Country Club in Napa for the first night of my stay, I immediately ran into co-workers in the hotel lobby enjoying some Champagne. 90 minutes later, I notice the doorman looking around the lobby bar. I suddenly realize that he is looking for me because I left my rental car running in hotel circle when I ran in to check in. Does this surprise anyone that knows me?
• Got really fucking lost driving from Napa to Sonoma, nearly ended up in Lake Tahoe. The whole east/west thing was very disorienting to me. In Chicago, you go east to hit water; on the west coast obviously this theory does not apply. Only took me about 45 minutes to figure it out; I am such a jackass. Did get to see some fabulous wineries on the way back though, Opus One and Robert Mondavi looked beautiful as I drove by them.
• Stayed at the fabulous Hotel Healdsburg while in Sonoma. They have the absolute best hotel beds ever. Increadibly high thread count sheets and I almost need to take a running leap to get up on the bed. Again, does this surprise anyone? They also have a European shower that is pretty much open to the rest of the bathroom. It fascinates me that the water doesn't get all over the bathroom.
• I got to try some fabulous wines while I was there. Went to William Hill winery in Napa and then Clos Du Bois and Geyser Peak wineries in Sonoma. My recommendations for the week are the Clos Du Bois Marlstone, Geyer Peak Reserve Sauv Cabernet, and the Geyser Peak Sauv Blanc.
• Had the third worst flight home ever. I'll write about the other two another time. Actually, the flying part was fine. Both the connection and the flight home were right on time. However, United Airlines with their typical heads up their asses didn't have enough staff on hand to handle the weather in Chicago. Go figure, it's snowing in December. We ended up sitting on the runway for three and a half, yes that was three and a half hours waiting for a gate to open up. Note, I gladly accepted the two mini bottles of Jim Beam Black offered to me at around 2:30am. So, instead of getting to baggage claim by 12:30am, I got there at around 4am. I then told the limo driver to just drive me home rather than picking up my snow covered car at the office.
• Was made fun of by girl with the hottest body on train for wearing what she deemed gardening gloves. My normal gloves were in my snow covered car at the office. I refrained from quipping back that she was a dumb ass for wearing a short sheer skirt on such a cold day, because I love looking at her legs.
• Came very close to taking a very hard digger on an icy patch in the parking lot while cleaning off my snow covered car on Monday night. I think my feet were above my head before I caught myself. That would have sucked.
• This morning it was snowing and I left in a rush to catch the train. Discovered when I got to the office that I left my dress shoes sitting on the living room floor. Am now forced to clomp around the office in dress khakis and a beat up pair of work boots. I'm a trend setter what can I say.

Well I better get back to the shit storm otherwise known as work. Our office Christmas (oops that's not PC is it, well fuck being PC) party is this Friday with cocktails after. I am sure there will be something worth posting about that. Everyone try and stay warm.

Going to Cali!

I am currently sitting at Ohare airport waiting for a flight to Oakland, CA. I am conducting training classes at three wineries over the next two days. I know its a tough life but somebody's got to do it. I have my digital with me, so I hope to get some good pictures to post. I also hope to try some good wine while I am there comingled with some good bourbon of course.

I love the airport because there is great people watching. Best sight so far, gigantic man yelling at the United rep because he was unable to bring a steamer trunk on as carry on baggage. Just because you are a big motherfucker doesn't mean your luggage can be.

Well its time to turn off all portable devices. Catch you on the West coast.

Hilarious Rocky Video

You have to check out this hilarious spoof on the training in the Rocky movies. It's a laugh riot.

Rocky Video

Don't tell me you didn't laugh when he takes the digger off the counter at the convenience store.

Kill Me!

I am sitting at JFK Health World in Barrington with 250 fifth graders leaning about how food turns into shit in the digestive system. These kids ask the dumbest fucking questions. Almost as stupid as the people I work with. Somebody please shoot me!

Commuter Trains = Darwinism at Work

I'm Back! Or at least I hope. Work is literally a shit storm right now. You'd think a little $6 billion dollar acquisition of some new brands would be a walk in the woods. No such luck. Well I told the Mick that'd I'd try to get back to some regular posts. Oh yeah, thanks to all of you who have been checking back from time to time to see if there was any new shit.

Quiz Question, if there's a competition between your automobile and a commuter train, guess who is going to win? If you had to think for even a second, you deserved to be on the track with the rest of those fucking idiots last Wednesday. If you haven't been watching the new at all, last Wednesday a Metra commuter train was forced to crash into approximately 15 cars of which 6 or 7 were sitting directly on the tracks blocking of a busy intersection. What I hate most is the news coverage of the whole event. There were a whole bunch of headlines that said Metra train brutally slams into innocent victims in busy intersection. What a bunch of crap!

What they should have said is..."Fucking Morons Nearly Wiped from Face of Earth by Own Stupidity!" It's Darwinism at work plain and simple; the weaker slower ones are the first to be taken from the herd.

Cool Penn State Video

A friend sent me the following link to a cool Penn State football video. If you're a fan, take a look when you have the chance. If you're not a fan, take a look anyway.

Penn State Football Video