Random Highlights a Long Time Coming

Well since it's been awhile since my last bitter post, I thought a quick random highlights list may be in order. So, here goes...

• Went to March Madness/St. Patrick's day party at Cowboy's. Damn, it has been a long time since I did a post. It was a veritable who's who of immature drunk middle aged children. Stay at Home Larry was the first one there, big surprise. Fat Bastard and Mr. Jones were there embarrassing their wives as usual. I heard that Mr. Jones took bites our of an entire bowl of green apples and in then replaced them in a display bowl that Mrs. Cowboy had sitting on her kitchen table. Mr. Green drank a whole bottle of Maker's Mark and had to be followed home under the close supervision of The Voice of Reason (see below). I made a quick exit when Tequila Rose (nasty stuff) started to get the best of me.
• Mrs. Carrotpenis went out for a night cap with Johnny B and The Cowboy two Friday's ago. Due to events surrounding this evening, Johnny B. will now be referred to as The Voice of Reason or just VOR for short. That said, is it okay for The VOR to have blackout moments while performing his duties?
• Have been watching a new show on FX call The Riches. It's like a train wreck but I am very hooked; take a watch if you have a chance. Minnie Driver is easily in my Top 10.
• Been frequenting The Vine in Grayslake, IL. Great place, awesome drinks and apparently they serve food or at least I am told. If you live in the area, definitely catch some drinks there. I'm not quite at the "Norm" status of the VOR but I am working on it. Tell Juan and Ralph I said, Hi if you drop in.
• In case there was any doubt, I have officially achieved "White Trash" status. For the past several months I've been subbing once a month on Cowboy's bowling team. Well get this, we won the league championship and I done got me a trophy with my name engrave and all. I figure I am one step away from having a broken down car in my front yard.

Well, work is calling and I need to save some stories of stupidity for my next post. Coming Soon: Tenacious D. comes to his first fire and bad things happen. Don't miss it!

Ding Dong The Witch is ....

Well she's not dead but at least she's moved onto the next part of her pathetic life.

On Monday morning, I got a text message from my friend, Johnny B. saying "I'm Free!" which could mean only one of two things. One, he had just escaped from being tied up in a scary night of BDSM sex with that midget lady he found on match.com or his divorce was final. It was the latter and not a second too soon. We (Cowboy, myself, and the rest of our sad circle of friends) have been on the peripheral of this train wreck for nearly a year now. If it hadn't ended when it did, I am sure that things would have gotten really ugly. Johnny B. was really fairly level headed through the whole arduous thing and I commend him for that. I am not sure I would have been as mature (fucking whore) as he has been.

I am still utterly amazed at how much control a woman has over a divorce proceeding regardless of whether or not she sleeping with her cousin and she voluntarily chooses to leave her husband and two kids for said cousin after 13 years of marriage without a thought of reconciling. Yes, it's as creepy as it sounds. In Illinois there is very little penalty if any for being 95% of the cause for the marriage break up, you still get your half. It seems like it is even worse if you allow your spouse to be a stay at home mother. That $80k value being provided by your wife as a stay at home quickly flows out the window when you get a lawyer involved and your ex becomes a money grubbing, I want to continue to sit on my ass and not get a job even though I am only screwing my cousin and not taking care of the children on a full time basis bitch. Suddenly, their whole earning power drops to zilch and you as the guy are left holding the bag and making child support payments to your spouse even though the kids live with you. Utterly pathetic. But I digress.

Well what started out as a nice congrats on a bad situation turned into an aimless rage filled rant. I apologize. Johnny B., I have a nice bottle of Basil Hayden with your name on it. We'll drink to good friends and the future and oh yeah the hilarity that is going to ensue as you make the real leap into the world of crazy women and casual sex. I am already laughing. I hear that Miss Plum Court is free this weekend.

The Suggestion Box is Back!!!

After a very long hiatus, my place of corporate drudgery has decided to reinstate the fabulously inane, on-line, anonymous "Suggestion Box". If you are a long time reader, you will remember that the suggestion box is great fodder for blog post material. The primary reason is that many of the employees here confuse the suggestion box with a sounding board for them to bitch about the petty things that they think are important. The great Capri Pants Debate of 2005 and the Burnt Popcorn Scandal of 2006 are two prime examples.

If you aren't familiar with the suggestion box saga, search through the archives and have a look. It's great stuff I promise. It always amazes me how people will confuse their place of work and their co-workers with their homes, subservient spouses and disobedient children. Well if that didn't happen, I'd have one less thing to write about. Please note that I am almost giddy with anticipation for the for the first idiotic idea to be submitted. My bet is that it will happen in the next week.

The Bastards- Last Days of the Bar Cars on the Metra

The bastards! Metra has recently announced that they will be phasing out their bar cars over the next two years. I've been riding in the bar car on the way home from work for 11 years. I have friends that I met solely because of drinking in the bar car. In fact, I have friends that I only see in the bar car. I've seen and blogged about more funny things than I can count on the bar car. What the hell am I going to do now? Ride with the rest of the quiet, non-drinking, book reading, anti-social losers, I'm not so sure. I may need to start driving. See already this is a bad idea.

The ambience (yeah ambience fuckers) of the bar car is one of the things that really draws me to the train. Sure I say that it's relaxing and I get work done on the train, and I do in the morning. But most afternoons, I enjoy having a delicious beverage and doing some people watching. All the freaks congregate in the bar car.

Their flawed reasoning for the phase out is supposedly due to the fact that they want to maximize ridership. I don't know about anyone else but I can never find a seat in the bar car. In fact, I find those cars around the bar more full than other on the train. It's just complete bullshit. Metra is simply bowing to the insurance companies and the crap that anti-alcohol groups are serving up.

Whether they realize it or not, the end result of the the elimination will do more harm than good. First to the other riders, rather than have these freaks congregated in one area on the train, they will now be dispersed throughout the train. Hey, quiet reader, you will now be subject to Kermit's insane ramblings and his disgusting offer to eat from his bag of chips. I sure envy you. Again, to the other riders, since Metra is not banning the drinking of alcohol on trains just the bar cars, these people will now be drinking amongst you. That should be fun. To the anti-alcohol folks and the insurance companies. Now instead of a bartender monitoring how many drinks a rider has had, the riders will be monitoring themselves. The end result will be more on train accidents and increased drunk driving. Again, that sounds like win win for this whole situation.

Well fellow bar car comrades, we have up to two years. Let's get cracking. Here's what I think we need to do. First, complain to Metra about the phasing out of the bar cars. It's bullshit, we all know it, let's tell them about it. Second step, buy your drinks and drink them in the bar car. Decreased revenues is one of the reasons for the phase out. If the bar cars' profits increase, one of their reasons goes away. Three, be responsible about your drinking. While this one should be obvious, sometimes it isn't. Know your limits and don't drink and drive drunk. And last, be friendly encourage people to sit in the bar car. Don't be drunk and surly like you usually are, build the crowd in the bar car. For the rest of you riding the rails, complain loudly too. Remember, in the not too distant future, we'll all be sitting and drinking with you.

If any of you have any other ideas of how to stem the tide, let me know. I will now end the editorial portion of my blog for today.

Match.com: Tips for Getting a Date

As some of you know, Johnny B. has been going through a bit of a rough patch. Last Spring, his lovely wife (whore) informed him that she'd be moving on to what she thinks are greener pastures with her new man. Note: there is a much longer and more interesting story behind this, but I will leave it for another day when I am in a really bad mood.

As you can imagine Johnny B. like most people who were just smacked in the face by a baseball bat, moved through the various stages of grieving that come along with a divorce. Thankfully, he's now somewhere between "This bitch isn't getting any of my money!" and "I really need to have some sex with someone else or I am going to explode!"

Due to these certain physical needs and oh sure a desire for female companionship, blah, blah, blah, Coach has set himself up with a profile on Match.com. He even went out on a couple of dates with someone or so he told us. She doesn't appear to be in the picture any longer though; either that or he's not willing to scare her off by introducing her to the antics of Cowboy and me. I'm thinking it's the latter. I'm also betting that his kids will be introduced to any girlfriends prior to us as to lessen the blow that he's foolish enough to hang around with us.

Anyway, getting to the point of my post here, solid buddy support system that we are, Cowboy and I have taken up surfing Match.com in order to find quality dates for Johnny B. After several hours of intense research on his behalf I've made a few important observations that I thought some of you might find helpful if you are trying to land a man on Match.com or any other internet dating site for that matter. In the interest of not being sued by Match.com or the women on the site, I will refrain from posting the actual pictures for now. These are in no particular order.

• Getting your courage up to put a profile out there by drinking two bottles of wine and then using a webcam photo from the same evening is probably not going to get you too many dates. Shitfaced drunk is not a good first impression; save that for the third date.
• In the same vein, I'd really think twice about using a webcam photo in your profile at all. It takes a really hot woman to look good in the indigo blue glow of a poorly lit room and a computer monitor. Kind of like wearing white stockings. Some people are good enough to pull them off, but you're better off not going there.
• While sure every guy wants to see a couple of pictures of you, posting 15 of them comes off as narcissistic and conceited. I think that 4 or 5 is probably a good number. Anything more and you come off as being really into yourself.
• Pets of any kind in your profile photos are a huge no no. This is especially the case for small dogs and definitely for cats. While you may think that being an animal lover is a nice touch, the guys instantly thinks, "Crazy Cat Lady" or I am going to have to share my bed with that fucking thing.
• I would seriously think about putting your kids in any pictures. I definitely think you should mention them in your profile; no need to be dishonest. It's just hard to feel romantic about someone as a first impression when she has two snot nosed kids draped on her. You also need to consider that if I can get on here and make fun of this shit, scum bag pedophiles are on here too. You also list the general vicinity where you live. Not a good idea in general.
• Pictures with other guys in them is another bad idea. Sure, you know it's your gay friend Jeff. Anyone else looking at it is thinking this woman isn't sure she wants to be single. This goes double for pictures where the guy is in the picture but has been photoshopped or cropped out. This only makes you look crazy.
• If you are going to post pictures of you with other women in them, make sure that the other women are not better looking than you are. Surrounding yourself with fat ugly friends only makes you look better. Remember to not be too drastic though, he certainly doesn't want to hang out with a pack of uglies after you start dating. If you are a 7, shoot for a 5 or 6 friend in your picture. One disclaimer, if you are into bringing your girlfriend home for sex with your dates, by all means the hotter the better.
• I am all for putting a picture of yourself in a bathing suit or low cut blouse if you can pull it off; if not, I wouldn't go there.
• Listing that you enjoy skinny dipping and want a guy who likes erotica is a dangerous line to walk. To guys, Erotica = PORN and skinny dipping is code for sexually adventurous. If you aren't into either, think very carefully about posting these items. Tied up with candle wax on your nipples isn't for everyone.
• You also might want to think about using the terms sarcastic and power. All guys are jackasses, no need to get the really bad ones. Unless that's what you are into.
• Don't lie about your age. We call all see from your picture that you are easily in your mid forties, not thirty-seven like you say. Plus don't put it past us to search through your purse on the first (and perhaps only) date to see how old you are when you aren't looking. You don't want younger guys anyway; we only mature with age. I am hoping to not be this big of an asshole after I turn 40.

Well, that's all I can think of for now. If you've got any others leave me a comment. Good luck, I don't envy any of you out there looking for dates.

It's the Fucking Mummers!

Holy crap it's the Mummer's! Melina reminded me of this little ditty from my youth. Each year in Philadelphia, typically on New Years Day, there is the Mummer's day parade. The Mummer's Day parade is Philly's version of Rio's Carnivale, but without the drinking, the sex, the hot women and the floats. Okay, maybe it isn't a whole lot like Carnivale. But you do have freaky middle aged men dressed up in feathered outfits playing "When the Saints Come Marching In!" on banjo. My favorite memories of the Mummers were from the years when it was really fucking windy and you'd have hundreds these jackasses flying everywhere. Nothing like a drunk Mummer flat on his back with a banjo.

Karma is Good to Me and The Mick!

Live from the Metra. There's this guy (jackass) who we've nicknamed "St. Louis" that takes the same train home as the Mick and me. He also rides in the bar car with us. I've hated this fucker since the moment I met him. I'm not sure where my initial dislike came from, but I alway remember that my first impressions are usually dead spot on. I think what annoys me the most about him is that he's very type A, doesn't give a rats ass about other people's feelings, and isn't afraid to show it off. It also doen't help that he weird looking like a leprachaun and thinks he's the cat's meow.

Case in point, yesterday was a horrible commute home. It was raining like a monsoon outside and this tends to drive all the fair weather people to mass transit. So, the bar car was absolutely packed. When we got on, the Mick and I had to stand and wait for a seat until the next stop. Jackass, St. Louis, found a seat next to this asian guy who looked like Quincy's assistant coroner. Just before the next stop, a guy equidistant from St. Louis and where the Mick and I are standing starts to get up. What does St. Louis do but in typical prick fashion he jumps up from his seat and takes the open one. He then proceeds to put his coat and bag on the seat next to him so that no one can sit down. He is such an asshole. I was just about to call him out on it when Quincy's assistant gets up to leave too. So, Mick and I end up sitting right behind him. I was so pissed off about the whole thing I almost spit into his man purse when he got up to get a beer.

Well wouldn't you know it, there was Karma to make everything better. In the afternoons on the train, our stop is over half way home from the Chicago, Lake Cook Road to be exact. So, the conductors on the train have already been through the cars several times to punch tickets prior to us getting. Due to this they tend to be a little less meticulous about their work the farther the train gets towards home. Please note, that I am not at all complaining. This means that you don't typically get your ticket punched on the way home which equals a free ride most of the time. That is unless you are huge jackass on the train every day In this case, they actually come and seek you out.

This is exactly what happened to St.Louis. The Mick and I were sitting there minding our own business having a refreshing Jim Beam on the rocks when a younger conductor comes out of no where and bee lines right for St. Louis. St. Louis tries to give him some line of bullshit about losing his transfer ticket, but the rookie conductor doesn't miss a beat. He not only charges him for the ticket but also charges him the penalty fee for not getting the transfer too. St. Louis was just livid. HA! HA! HA! HA! If he had punched our tickets this would have been funny, but to make things even better he just walked right past the Mick and I after screwing St. Louis. I was almost crying And all is right with the world.

Bumper Sticker O' The Day

I used to play d&d before it was cool.

I wasn't aware that it is.

The Ugly Sweater Debacle!

Mrs Carrotpenis and I hosted a Ugly Sweater Holiday Party on Saturday which was an absolute laugh riot. About 70 of our closest friends showed up decked out in their ugliest sweaters. Mass amounts of alcohol were consumed and from what I remember of the evening everyone had a good time. Here are some pictures taken with Cowboy's camera. I will try and post some that I took later this week.

While I am not exactly sure what is going on here, Mrs. Carrotpenis appears to be tweaking Mrs. Cowboy's nipples. They are very friendly.


Here Mrs. Carrotpenis shoots whipped cream into our neighbor, Little T's mouth. There was a follow up picture to this one that decency precludes me from putting on the internet. I know the decency thing is a stretch but we'll go with that anyway.


In this one, the Fat Bastard is getting some special attention from Little T.


Two outstanding participants in the ugly sweater festivities. Mrs. Cowboy ended up winning best overall with her lime green and silver disk ensemble. Absolutely, hideous. Betty had this farm animal sweater that had the animals' asses on the back. I have a picture of that on my camera which I will post later.


Thanks to everyone who attended and made the party a great success. I am already in negotiations with Mrs. Carrotpenis for our 2007 party. I am suggesting we have an outdoor toga party. This idea, as you might suspect, is meeting with some resistance. If anyone has any other ideas, please pass them along.

50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex.

I found this post on http://tweekerchick.blogspot.com/ via I Hate My Cubicle and just had to post it. I also found another one called 50 Mistakes Men Make When Having Sex which I will post eventually. But since I have editorial control, I am going with this one first....Great Stuff.

The Politics of Fucking aka 50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex as told by TweekerChick....

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when hes touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.That is all.

What's Next in Air Travel Security?

I got this article on a email alert at work. Absolutely Hilarious!

Flatulence leads to flight diversion
It's not legal to light matches on a plane even if the object is to cover up a bad smell, an American Airlines passenger found. An American Airlines flight carrying 99 passengers had to make an emergency landing in Nashville after passengers reported a strange scent that smelled like struck matches. All 99 passengers and five crew were taken off the plane and screened while the plane was searched. After being questioned by FBI officers, a Dallas woman on the flight "admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal body odor," writes The Tennessean. The woman apparently "had been striking matches to mask evidence of a troubled digestive system." The Washington Ronald Reagan National-to-Dallas/Fort Worth flight eventually took off again, but the woman was not on board. "American has banned her for a long time," said Lynne Lowrance, a spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority. No charges were filed against the woman. Though it is illegal to strike a match in an airplane, it is perfectly legal to carry them, as long as they stay unlit. Report by David Wilkening

Drunken Halloween 2006! Party 1

Mrs. carrotpenis and I went to a total of three Halloween parties on Saturday night. The first party we went to wasn't actually a Halloween party; it was a 40th birthday party for one of my friends. Who the hell has a non dress up party the weekend before Halloween, I'll never know. In typical carrotpenis style though, we went dressed up anyway. Who wants to miss any party/drinking time by getting changed midstream. To offset this though we purposely stood right by the front door to fuck with people coming in and make them think they were supposed to dress up. That was good fun.

Here's a picture of Mrs. carrotpenis from before we went out. She's a beautiful zombie cheerleader, isnt she? Save the cheerleader, save the world....

Drunken Halloween 2006: Party 2

The second party we went to was at our friend, Johnnie B's. He built this fantastic haunted house in the garage. While not as scary as last year's, it was impressive. Recently divorced, Johnnie dressed up as The Bachelor complete with roses for the girls. Hilarious! I still think the divorce lawyer or kissing cousins costumes would have been better though.

As I went through our pictures I noticed that most were fairly tame from this little stop. There was one of Mr. Fun dressed as a maturbator, complete with dark sunglasses and hairy palms. But I will spare you from that. Instead, here are some celebrities that showed up...One member of the Blue Man Goup, there were actually 4 people from the same family dressed up as Blue Men, but this one was by far the best. And K-Fed, complete with gold teeth grill which caused the wearer to have a speech impediment when he talked or perhaps that was the 20 or so Coronas that K-Fed had to drink.

Drunken Halloween 2006- Party 3, Part 1

Oh my gosh, where do I start....Party #3 was absolutely over the top. We purposely planned to go to this party last because it was right next door to our house and merely a stumble across the lawn and up the stairs. For this one you were told to either dress up as Goth or Night of the Living Dead. Well people went absolutely all out with their costumes as you can see from these pictures.

The first picture here is of the host and hostess. They made and force fed approximately 300 jello shots to their semi-willing participants. Well then things started to turn ugly. The misses and I left around 1:45am. Word on The Circle is that things kept raging until about 5:30am.

Drunken Halloween 2006- Party 3, Part 2

For a couple days, Nascar Girl, in the black costume has been asking Mrs. carrotpenis when her picture might show up on the internet. Well here it is and if you're good there might be a another one a little farther down. Here's a good example of how awesome the costumes were and how good looking the people in our neighborhood are.

Drunken Halloween 2006- Party 3, Part 3

Did I forget to mention the Fat Bastard was there? He was dressed up as Mr. Incredible. Here he is busting a move. Mrs. Fat Bastard was partner in crime as Mrs. Incredible. You can sort of see her off to the left. I honestly hope that no children got got see the Fat Bastard's portrayal of Mr. Incredible, because I am guessing there would be some therapy bills involved afterwards.

Probably the funniest part of the evening was when Mr. Incredible squeezed his fat ass underneath the semi closed garage door to make his entrance into the party.

One other tidbit worth mentioning from this photo is Mr. Jones who can be seen in the back ground. He was dressed as a box of wine from Swallowing Hills Winery with the wine spout right between his legs. I am betting he tried to get Mrs. Jones to drink right from his spout.

Drunken Halloween 2006- Party 3, Part 4

One of our neighbors who will now be know as the Naughty Spider (for obivious reasons) can be seen here flogging Mrs. Incredible aka Mrs. Fat Bastard. Did I mention that I think that jello shots are awesome!

Drunken Halloween 2006- Party 3, Part 5

If I haven't mentioned this previously, I have the best wife ever. Who else's wife is nice enough to kiss the neighbor wives and then let you post photos of it on the internet. Well I'm not sure that I actually asked permission to do it, but like most things that I do I'm sure she'll be cool with it.

In picture one here her and Mrs. Cowboy are in a very nice lip lock. I may use this one for our Christmas card this year. And in picture number two, it's her and Nascar Girl. Remember Nascar, if you are going to have a picture posted on the internet, it might as well be a good one.

Buffalo Wild Wings v. Tornado

Last night I went with Cowboy, Mr. Fun and Johnnie B to watch MNF at Buffalo Wild Wings in Round Lake.

Wouldn't you know it, there was a fucking tornado warning while they were there. A tornado warning for those of you lucky enough to not know means that a funnel cloud has been sighted and there is the distinct possibility of having your roof ripped off.

Well as soon as the warning was sounded the nice folks at BWW went around and pulled down the nearly see through window shades which made me feel incredibly safe. I'm positive the broken shards wouldn't have made it through. Then they made the announcement for everyone to move away from the windows. Well I don't know if you've ever been there but moving away from the windows at a BWW's is like getting away from the water when you are in the middle of Lake Michigan. So, basically we were fucked if a really big wind came our way. Then to top it off the satellite dish went out and the game went off. But I have to say that the be all to end all was that the waitress service deteriorated into nothing during the whole ordeal. Here I am waiting to be thrown through the air like that cow in the movie, Twister with an empty 23oz. Beer glass in front of me. Do you think it possible the taps had to shut down due to the wind? I'm at a loss to explain it. I would think that getting as many full glasses out there in a potential tornado is win win for the restaurant. I can already hear them saying, "I'm sorry sir but we can't give you a free beer because the tornado knocked it down. That's an act of God."

Well as you can see, I survived the whole ordeal and did manage to have another beer or three.

Car Ribbons

Typically, I really hate those magnetic car ribbons that cover a myriad of causes. I think that it is mostly because there are so many of them that they dilute any effect they might have.

Today though, I was driving behind someone that had an aqua blue one. On one of the sides it said, Support Strippers! Now that's a cause that I'd give a buck to.