The Evil Twins

Evil Twins!

The Evil Twins made a late tailgate appearance and were then peer pressured into coming to the game with us! Evil Twin #2 is was great seeing you even in lieu of the gray hair comment.

Stupid Wildcats!

Stupid Wildcats!

Fresh demonstrates what it feels like to be a true Wildcat fan. Get your ass back to the dorm so you can win that Nobel prize is Economics.

Fallen!

Fallen

Fresh takes a tumble. I'm sure that half bottle of Bacardi had nothing to do with it. His wife would be so proud. Picture Lady, this one's for you.

My Love!

My Love!

Mrs. carrotpenis, the love of my life, show off some of her best cheerleading moves. The fact that she probably knows more about football than I do and is willing to put up with my drunken nonsense at college football games makes me love her even more.

A Moment of Sanity

Fresh

I think this was the only time during the entire fucking day that Fresh appeared lucid and sober. Every other second he was acting like a complete jackass. Well that's what makes him fun.

Rachel Dratch loves the Lions!

Rachel Dratch

This chick behind us looked just like Rachel Dratch from SNL and was just as annoying. Throughout the game she yelled out the players name in first person like she was friends with him. If she was, do you think she'd have to hang around with this mope.

Wedgie

Wedgie

Fresh gets a wedgie from a Northwestern fan after they score against the Lions!

We Want the Lion! 

Hot Cheerleader

Hot Cheerleader

Nothing like college football without a hot cheerleader. Go Lions!

Fresh Celebrates!

Fresh Celebrates

Fresh celebrates after the Lions big score.

Proof Positive

Proof Positive

In case any of you are in doubt, here's the proof. You'll notice that the Northwestern student section is remarkably empty and that half the people there are wearing Penn State jerseys. Fucking fair weather fans; they suck!

Nice Face Paint!

Loser

We saw this jackass in the parking lot after the game. I'm sure he was glad his got himself all gussied up after we whipped his team's ass. Ha!

The Host with the Most!

Wern of Wernfest

This is a picture of our gracious host, Wern of Wernfest, who allowed us to come to his house no questions asked to attend his tailgate. The keg of Rolling Rock was a really nice touch too. Made me wish I was at the Skellar. Thanks Wern!

Let's Go State!

Making regular posts has really gotten to be a challenge lately. While I don't mind being so busy, I do like to take some time to vent here. This is another random update of things I've been up to lately and other random observations...

• Rooster told us a hilarious story about how a blind guy got caught up in the shoulder strap of her bag while riding on the train. Rather than remaining calm, he was flailing about and screaming bloody murder as she tried to free him. That doesn't seem so funny now that I am writing it but I was literally crying when she told us. Note: If you are blind and riding on public transportation, lighten up not everyone is out to get you. Note to self: May need to start thinking about some sensitivity training.
• Last Friday, as part of the 5th grade music curriculum, The Girl received her first musical instrument, a Recorder (you know like the Pied Piper played to woo the rats in the fairy tale.). She impressed us with a lovely rendition of Hot Cross Buns.
• Bobby regaled us with tales from his bachelor party trip to Vegas. One funny one was about how he got up in the middle of a Sports Book during the Notre Dame/Michigan Game and screamed about a great play that turned out to be a replay from the prior week's game. Apparently, the Michigan fans were extremely impressed with his show of enthusiasm.
• On Saturday, I nearly tore The Recorder (annoying piece of shit) out of The Girl's hand threw it out of the car window after hearing Hot Cross Buns for the 75th time on a road trip. She better learn a new song quick.
• Realized I have a weird hatred towards people who wear those giant fit over the glasses sunshields. They annoy the shit out of me just like the sight of Celine Dion does.
• Saw absolutely annoying guy wearing above described sunshields on the train. To top it off, he was drinking this giant keg mug which after a quick Google search it turn out is called a "Bubba Keg". I'd like to know why anyone would need a 52oz recepticle to drink out of for their own personal use.

This weekend we are making our annual pilgrimage to an away Penn State foot ball game. While getting back to State College usually isn't possible for us; every year, the Nittany Lions normally end up playing at least once within a three hour drive from here. So, we typically get to one away game a year. This time we are going to Evanston to hopefully see the Lions put some whoopass on the Northwestern Kittycats. Prior to the game there will also be the customary tailgate imbibing. I am hope to have some pictures from the festivities to post next week.

Let's Go State!

Work Continues to Suck...

Well here's some random drivel from the past few days or so....

• Work does continue to suck. No Boy Friday week three and people are getting used to calling me for stupid shit again. Best request of the week thus far is that I had to have dead bird removed from CEO's balcony. Thank God, there are people to do that and I didn't have to fling a dead bird's body off the balcony into the parking lot.
• Had someone suggest in the Suggestion Box that we put Oust sanitizer in the bathrooms. Listen folks, we already have industrial deodorizers in all the bathrooms. So, there's no fucking way a blast from that little aerosol can is going to cover up that gigantic Taco Bell shit you just took in the ladies room, sorry.
• Saw a female giant on the train yesterday; I'm not kidding either. What would you call one anyway, a giantess? This women was fucking gigunda. Sitting on the second step to the upper level of the train she was still taller than me. No short comments you assholes either. I think she wanted to grind up my bones and eat them in soup.
• Asshole Lawyer and I went to the Indy car race at Chicago Motor Speedway in Joliet, IL. It was much better than I expected. Free drinks in the hospitality tent were key. Vox Raspberry and Sprite, yum. There could have been more of a redneck factor though. I'm definitely going to try a Nascar race next time. And I definitely have to bring my camera. Leaving the parking lot we saw these two jackoffs in a bright yellow Maserati. To make their penises even smaller, they were wearing matching Maserati hats. Losers.
• Lately, when I see two men together, I've been trying to figure out whether or not they are gay. I've realized that I've been totally oblivious to this in the past and there are tons of gay couples everywhere. Well I just realized that when Asshole Lawyer and I are together, there initial impression might be that we are gay. A co-workers mom thought we were at the race. Well I guess at least that I'm good looking enough for a hot shot lawyer like Asshole.

Well Here Goes...A Contest!

Life continues to be crazy for me at both work and home. Until things calm down a bit, you are going to have to deal with these random bullet point lists...

• This is my first full week without "Boy Friday". I have quickly learned two things. One, Boy Friday's job sucks. And two, I need to hire someone really fucking fast before I start pulling all of my gray hair out.
• Wife's grandfather (Grandpa) of 91 is in town from Staten Island with his 80 year old Hussy Girlfriend, Pearl. Hussy Girlfriend only knows about three conversations. 1. How big her son's house is in Florida? 2. What a successful builder her son in FL is? 3. How beautiful her grandchildren are at their successful father's house in FL. Surprisingly, Hussy Girlfriend, whose a classic Jewish mother by the way, never ever mentions son's wife who is obviously in the picture. It may have something to do with them now being Seventh Day Adventists. The only good point of the whole thing is that you get to plan smartass responses before she even talks because she will inevitably hit on at least two of these subjects in a five minute conversation.
• Came outside at the inlaws house on Saturday and Grandpa was sitting in a lawn chair wearing tight shorts and a wife beater t-shirt. I almost gouged out my eyes.
• Was asked by third person in same day to get artwork for new hires' offices. Because obviously, I only have a list of 500 things to do and artwork is right on top of my business critical items. I am sure those people in New Orleans can wait an extra half day for me to get them their checks so that the people at HQ can have some knock off posters in their offices. Nearly did a performance art rendition of "Man Stomping on Co-Workers Face". Boy that would have felt really good. Note: Artwork is not delaying checks to the people in New Orleans; I was exaggerating a bit. I don't want Oprah crawling up my ass like she's doing to everyone else.
• Saw that yet another person put a suggestion in the Company Suggestion Box about people wearing capri pants which are in direct violation of the company casual dress policy. I think this is the fifth. I work with some real fucking idiots let me tell you. But this wasn't so much a suggestion as a personal attack on those who are violating the casual dress code policy and wearing Capri pants. My next suggestion box entry is going to be...To the pussies who are too afraid to confront people face to face and instead use the suggestion box as a sounding board for their personal pet peeves, please feel free to meet me in the lobby today at twelve noon for an open air discussion. You will be able to find me because I will be holding a baseball bat.
• Went to lunch at OCB with Asshole Lawyer and told him Grandpa and Hussy Girlfriend story. He then proceeds to ask me if I've heard them having sex. I was immediately nauseated by mental image and almost threw up my taco salad on nearby blue haired mah jong players.
• Tonight, we went out to dinner with Grandpa and Hussy Girlfriend. Hussy Girlfriend returned her salad because the waiter spilled the dressing onto the salad when bringing the plates over. Then when waiter brought back a new salad, Hussy Girlfriend proceeded to dump the same exact salad dressing all over the salad right in front of the waiter. Classic.
• Summer Hours ended last week and we are now back to working full day Fridays. This Friday will seem like easily the longest day of the year. If anyone is interested, we'll be having bourbons on the rocks, I'm thinking Jim Beam Black may be nice, in my office starting at about 3:30pm.

Okay, since I had minimal response to my hump day sex question of last week, we'll try something different this week. If you been reading for awhile, you know that idiotic suggestions to my company's suggestion box have been the lead topic on more than a few posts. If not look through the archives, there's some good shit there. Anyway, for the next week or so, I will accept potential suggestion box entries from you for me to put into my company's suggestion box. The best one wins and I will actually put it into the box and then put the response into a subsequent post if and when it is answered. Tell you what, I'll even throw in a small prize to the winner. I am sure that the Mick can find something in his prize vault that I can send to you. That is if he's not too busy playing phone bitch. The Mick will keep me honest on this one too. One disclaimer though, I enjoy working for the company that I do and question the actual anonymity of the suggestion box entries. So, while I am happy to laugh at inappropriate suggestions, they may not make the cut, but feel free to be creative. If this goes well, I may make this a monthly gig.

I'm a BlogExplosion Slut Again!

That's right it's September 1st, I just got to work and bam I logged into BlogExplosion. Well that didn't take very long did it. I have to admit that I really didn't miss it that much though. Well here are the rough results of my not actively whoring for readers during the entire month of August...

• I received 1481 page loads with no help from Blog Explosion.
• During that time, there were 958 unique visitors to the Chronicles.
• Of those, 582 were first time visitors.
• The productivity of my department at work increased 26.8%.
• My TV viewing increased by 32% and I am now hooked on watching two new shows, Over There on FX and Lost on ABC.
• My wife and kids found that the added time with me was twice as annoying.

Overall, I have to say the little experiment was a good experience. Special thanks to those of you who are driving traffic to my blog by linking from yours. Also, for those of you getting to my site by searching for "little boy penises", you are sick fuckers. Knock it off! Or soon you'll be some guy named Bubba's bitch wishing you'd never thought about another penis again.

Damn, I'm Busy!

Aquanut Ski Show

I just noticed it has been over a week since I did that last pathetic post about Pat Robertson. Well I guess the two go hand in hand because Pat is just that, pathetic. But I digress. My only excuse for the lack of regular attention to the Chronicles is that life has gotten extremely crazy over the past couple weeks. The kids are back in school and with that begins a rash of related sports and activities. The Girl is playing soccer and taking tennis lessons; that covers Friday and Sunday. The boy is playing baseball and soccer and participating in Cub Scouts. That covers Monday, Thursday, Saturday, and every other Wednesday. I am also playing in a 12" softball league on the off Wednesdays. So, as you can see our nights and weekends are pretty booked.

To make matters even worse, Boy Friday has finally cut the cord and moved to another department. As such, I am quickly starting to realize just how valuable his services were to me. My "Fellow Co-Workers I Hate!" list has grown quickly over the past few days. He obviously played a great buffer to the stupidity around me. My inane request of week was to fit 7 new employees into a space where clearly only 5 will fit: my intial thought was to build some furniture out of FedEx boxes, but apparently the FedEx people aren't too thrilled about that. I actually secretly hoping that one of the new employees is a hot girl when I have to pick one of them to share my office with me.

Well enough bitching and complaining, here's a random sampling of what I've been up to over the past week or so...

• Two Fridays ago, we let The Girl have a sleep over party for her birthday. We limited it to a manageable group of 4 girls total. That said, 4 ten year olds can generate a decibel level that is just painful. They ended up staying up until 3:30 in the morning. I can think of 3 households that had a little bitch on their hands Saturday. We did what every smart parent does when they have a sleep deprived cranky ten year old girl; we sent her to grandma's house. That will teach to spoil the grand kids.
• On Sunday, The Boy and I went to the local skate park to roller blade. Nothing like 30 seconds there to tell you that you're never going to be Tony Hawk. I am still nursing a giant scab on my knee from where I took a digger coming off the smallest of ramps.
• Just last Saturday, we went to see the Aquanut Waterski Show in Twin Lakes, Wisconsin. It was a fantastic time. Nothing like cute girls in skimpy outfits around water, see the picture above. If you live in the Chicago area, I highly recommend it; great family fun. To make things even better, I got to see a one year old stuff a whole handful of dirt and ants into their mouth while his parents weren't watching. I thought the mom was going to have a heart attack in the aftermath.
• Then on Sunday, we made a return trip to Great America. It once again didn't disappoint in the people watching department. There were lots of prison tats, gold teeth and wife beater t-shirts. The winner of the day though was this huge woman is acid washed jeans. She had one leg of the jeans cut into Daisy Duke shorts and the other was left long with big giant holes cut up the length of the pant leg, very ghetto.

In honor of Simply Complicated, I'll throw out a hump day sex question, a two parter to boot...Have you ever had sex in public and where? Note: Rooster, I'm not looking for a laundry list here. Just one will do.

August: Whore No More

Note: I am posting on a regular basis. I am just leaving this particular one at the top for the rest of the month of August. You can find my latest posts below.

I made a concious decision this month to get a baseline on how many people are voluntarily coming to my little corner of the internet. By this, I mean that I am not going to actively whore for readers this month. For the entire month of August, I will refrain from using Blogexplosion to get readers to my blog. That's right, no surfing for credits or obsessively placing my blog on Blog Rocket. I'm still not entirely sure what I am going to do at work now. Maybe put a little more creativity into my posts.

During my little sabbatical, I ask that you let me know that you're reading, what you like and what you don't. Better yet, tell me what you want to see more of. So, stop lurking and leave a comment.

Note: Unfortunately for some of you I will not stop from making inane comments on other blogs. Sorry.

To remind everyone, I will leave this as the top post for the rest of the month. Hope to hear from you.

Time To Rethink Your Religious Leader?

Now, I am probably the last one to take a stab at ones religious beliefs. But, did anyone else catch the story about Pat Robertson telling his 700 Club viewers that he thinks the US should kill Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. (I know what the fuck is he thinking.) Hello, 700 Club members, I think it may be time to look for greener pastures. I heard the Branch Davidians are starting up a new chapter. Pat has clearly gone over the deep end. Now I am sure that Senor Chavez is a huge bad ass and probably deserves what coming to him. But when your supposedly Christian leader starts calling for the deaths of other people in the name of the common good, you may want to rethink the path you're walking down. What's next, the Archbishop of New York entering into a murder for hire contract against a child molester?

Sending Your Babies off to College

Parents, many of you have just sent your little baby off to college for the first time or are just about to. In honor of this, I thought it may be worthwhile to fill you in on just a glimpse of some the extremely stupid shit that I did in college while drinking or observed of others while they were drinking. At least what I can remember of it. I am guessing it will probably make your mind wander at bit if it hasn't already. Remember, a little independence and a good bit of alcohol can go a long way.

I came up with 40; these are in no particular order. Also, if you were there with me and recognize yourself in any of these congratulations.

1. I kissed girls I never would have had I been sober.
2. I fell on a beer soaked fraternity basement floor. I am guessing this happened more than once.
3. I watched someone get bit on the face by a boa constrictor. That was hilarious. What an asshole.
4. Drunk on the way to a formal, I fell into some bushes. Was pulled out by my date with help of my tie.
5. Rode with a keg and 12 other guys in the back of a Ryder truck from Penn State to the University of Kentucky. ( long story for another day.)
6. Had to account for a previous evening by looking at ink stamps on the back of my hand.
7. Once rooted through a girl's purse to find out her name after we had sex.
8. I saw someone drink a big swig from a beer filled with cigarette butts.
9. On a different night, I saw the same person pick a bong off the the table and drink from it.
10. I many times donned a Gumby suit for no particular reason.
11. On one special occasion, I woke up on my hall floor in said Gumby suit.
12. I got blow jobs from ugly girls I never would have talked to when sober.
13. I fell in mud on way to a party. I sure this happened more than once, possibly in that same night.
14. I saw a girl climb from one hotel balcony to another in order to get a better picture. This was on the 25th floor.
15. Caught one of my friends dancing with a bunch of girls with a gigantic hard on.
16. Caught same friend doing it again after he'd been humiliated for doing it the first time. Will forever be called the "Dancing Boner"
17. Had loud sex with other people in the room. Sound is apparently not deadened because it's dark.
18. Spent $80 on half price drinks with just one other person.
19. Rode with keg and 12 other guys in back of a Ryder truck from Penn State to the University of Tennessee. (also long story for another day)
20. Did "Walk of Fame" back from the dorms to where I lived, many times.
21. Laughed at girls doing the "Walk of Shame" back to the dorms, many times.
22. Hooked up with my roomate's girlfriend, not one of my finer moments. I know about 5 people are asking themselves, what that fucking me. It probably wasn't.
23. Passed out while formal date was giving me a blow job. She was not pleased to say the least.
24. Told date she would have to forcibly have sex with me if she wanted to because I was too drunk. She did.
25. Watched someone jump up and down on a telephone smashing it to bits in a drunken rage. I loved that phone.
26. Caught someone taking a crap in a urinal.
27. Watched roomates throw a refrigerator off third floor roof. It hit a tension wire for a telephone pole and almost knocked it down.
28. Threw up in a washing machine; seemed like a good idea at the time.
29. Found a guy passed out, buck naked, lying face down in a fraternity foyer with his driver's license and student ID stuck between his ass cheeks.
30. Had sex with ugly girls I never would have had I been sober. Do you see a theme here.
31. At a party, I ate a bunch of goldfish.
32. At same party, I watched a girl down 10 goldfish in one big beerbong.
33. A bunch of us watched a friend having sex with a girl from a balcony window.
34. He realized we were watching and pretended he was riding a bucking bronco in a rodeo.
35. Had sex in a sorority suite during normal business hours.
36. Saw girl in wheel chair passed out drunk, more than once. Same girl if you are wondering.
37. Got a tattoo at a trailer park in Florida while on spring break. Dodged a bullet in the disease department on that one.
38. Snuck out of someone's room because I didn't want to be there when they woke up.
39. Walked through a packed party in just my boxer shorts.
40. Stole sex tape of my friend's roomate and her boyfriend and showed it to easily 1000 people.

As I said, this is just a glimpse. I'll try and think of more and put them in another post. And this was over 10 years ago before digital cameras were main stream and girls kissing was cool. Oh yeah, if any of you have some good ones you'd like to share please do.

I am Screwed at Work

Screwed at work? I wish it was in a good way, but alas it isn't. They guy that works for me, I'll call him Boy Friday, has decided take a position in another department. On the the one hand (this hand being the good boss trying to develop his employees into better ones), I am extremely happy for Boy Friday. The new position is a good bump up and great for him career wise. He's an excellent employee does exemplary work and always busts his ass. On the other hand (this hand being the lazy good for nothing boss that delegates every bit of work possible to his staff), I hope that the new job really sucks and that he comes crawling back on his hand and knees begging for his job back.

Needless to say, until I replace Boy Friday and then get his replacement fully trained, my life is going to be an utter hell. First off, all of the crap work that i shluffed off on Boy Friday is coming full circle right back to me. Second, all the people that piss me off with their stupid suggestion box ideas are going to start calling me instead of Boy Friday acting as buffer. And worst of all, I go from having 2 direct reports back to having 7 or 8. While I don't mind the day-to-day management of these people, I detest writing their performance reviews. To top it off, one of the employees I am getting back is Doris whose main purpose in life is to drive me insane.

Well I'm going to try and figure how the fuck I am going to get all of this work done over the next few weeks/months. Actually, I should probably go and find some cheese to go with all this whine I have.

Hot Moms Buying School Supplies

Guys, if you are looking for something fun to do during your lunchbreaks over the next two weeks, I definitely recommend hitting the office supply stores. There are literally hundreds of scantily clad hot women buying school supplies for their kids. I went to OfficeMax today to pick up some of the last two or three items needed for the kids school supplies and it was a veritable MILFarama. We're all done shopping now, but I my hit the Office Depot tomorrow just for kicks.

Also, to you fuckers in education that come up with the school supply lists, can you please explain something to me? What the hell does it matter if The Boy who is in second grade by the way uses a four inch glue stick vs. a three inch glue stick. I know he doesn't give a rat's ass. Does anyone else besides me think that the particularity of the school supply requests is just fucking insane? It seem like that the people that set them up, purposely pick the most obscure things possible so you have to run to 5 or 6 different stores to find everything. If I find out it's because you are on the take with the retailers, I will come over with my 6" (not 5" mind you) protractor and stick it up your ass.

The Casual Friday & The Rooster Snort

Found an extremely funny blog today; check it out if you have the chance....

The Casual Friday

When the Mick, Rooster and I ride the train, the hilarity of the conversation or antics on the train is directly proportional to the number of times we can get the Rooster to snort when she laughs. Because of this, I've decided to implement the "Rooster Snort" rating system. The Casual Friday gets a 4 out of 5 Rooster Snorts.

I love boobs. Have a good weekend.

Metra: It Boggles the Mind

Yesterday the Mick and I were relaxing from a hard day's work on the train. I'm having my customary bourbon on the rocks, Jim Beam Black, yum. Sitting two seats in front of us is FRG (Fat Religious Guy) and CFG (Cute Foreign Girl). They are blabbering on about some annoying topic that I can't remember. The only saving benefit is that CFG is facing towards me rather than FRG. Oh now I remember, FRG was bragging about that the finicial wizard he was in college accounting. He said that it was the first time that any student in this professor's class had aced every single question and test in a semester. I am thinking that from the look of his too small LeTigre shirt and threadbare Dockers that he's clearly put this finiancial genius to work in later life. Maybe he's was like the Rain Main and the toothpicks dropping on the floor.

But I digress. So, about two minutes later another very cute girl comes in and sits down on the other side of the aisle about a seat farther than FRG and CFG. Well wouldn't you know it, Cute Girl 2 starts talking to FRG. And then to top if off, when CFG gets up to leave, CG2 gets up from her seat and moves over to sit with FRG. I am still reeling with amazement. I may of missed something with FRG. He beginning to look like the next David Koresh. I'll try and keep you posted on further developments of his cult following. A picture may be in order as well.

Houston We Have a Problem

I watched Apollo 13 last night so I have space on the brain today. Great movie by the way if you've never seen it. But all is definitely not right in Mudville today.

Today, Asshole Lawyer and I went to the barber to get haircuts. And yes, I realize that this probably puts us one step away from being the biggest homos in the entire world. But, I don't have the regular use of a car at work so I must rely on the kindness of others from time to time.

Well if you remember from a previous post, my regular barber guy, Serge, went and quit on me a couple of months ago. So, I was forced to go find another barber. Well the new one I've been going to has been pretty good until today that is. The way this shop works is that you put your name on the list and then one of four barbers cuts your hair in order on the list. You can suggest someone in paticular. But since I don't have a preference at this point, I just go with the first come first serve method. I may be rethinking that little theory after today.

Today, when my name came up on the list, a woman named Maria was the one who got to cut my hair. Well Maria and I had a little confusion about the clipper setting that I get my hair cut with. Now, I am going to admit fully that it was probably my fault. When I got my hair cut by Serge, I just told him to clipper cut it with a two. And I just generally assumed that the two setting it pretty standard in the barber industry. Apparently, it's not because the one that Maria cut my hair with is much much shorter than was done previously. Subsequently, all my hair is much much shorter than it ususally is. In fact, I look like I am ready for boot camp. It also for whatever reason, makes the gray much more evident. That may also be because my wife and kids drive me so nuts that it's just getting grayer and grayer by the minute. Next time I will definitely have a more lengthy discussion about the cutting length.

Metra: Various Shit

Yesterday, I had a meeting at a law office in the city so I took the train all the way from my home in the northern burbs down to Union Station. While I don't envy the people that do that commute every, it's not bad doing it every once in a while. Probably the best thing is that the people watching in the city is a thousand times better than on my commute to the suburbs. The Talent alone is worth the trip. I saw more hot girls yesterday in couple of hours than I can see in an entire Summer under normal commuting conditions. And just to recap, I love the hot weather.

Another benefit of the long commute is that you get to eavesdrop on people's conversations for twice as long of the long on the train. Here are some random samplings...

Fat Religious Guy- I discovered that Fat Religious Guy is twice as annoying on the longer trip. Yesterday, he droned on for the entire way about the difference between ethnic Jews and religious Jews. I'm sure that he offended at least 20 different people with the bull shit he was calling out.

Really Stupid Girl- After further consideration and the urgings of Mick and Rooster, I am renaming the previously nicknamed, New Hot Girl, Really Stupid Girl. The was done for two reasons. First, if you get a real good look at her, she's really not that hot. Yes, she has her moments, but the majority of the time she just isn't there. Second, she really is as dumb as a box of rocks. Every time she opens her mouth her IQ seems to just drop lower and lower.

Cute Foreign Girl- I discovered yesterday that the cute girl sitting with Fat Religious Guy was not there by mistake, but intentionally. I've also discovered that she's got a really strong European accent making her now Cute Foreign Girl. My only reasoning for her sitting with him is that she can't understand a fucking word he says to her.

I.- I. is not really a new character on the train but worth mentioning. She gets on the train just about ever afternoon with us. She's worth mentioning because she has an absolutely fabulous body and wears outfits that definitely show it off. Rooster will even confirm this one for me. In fact, I am still waiting for the skin tight stretch pants that Rooster gave us the play by play on couple of weeks ago. Now she could use a slight bit of work in the face department but her figure more than makes up for it. She also asks about me whenever I am not there. This is definitely and ego stroke as far as I am concerned.

Besides the cast of characters above, I was also lucky enough to meet up with Large Mexican Family. Large Mexican Family got on the train just after we left Chicago. There were what seemed like 25 of them, I am guessing there were only like 4 or 5. To make things even better each of them had a piece of luggage with them. Then to top if off I was caught with the kiss of death that I am stuck with on a regular basis. Some of you probably know what I am talking about. As an example, I walk into a hair cut place and there are 5 hot girls there with gigantic boobs and one gay guy. You can probably guess what's going to happen but of course I am going to get the gay guy to cut my hair. Now I realize that there's nothing wrong with that and I am probably going to get a better haircut anyway, but there's something to be said with nice boobs being crushed on your shoulder. Well the same thing goes with The Large Mexican Family. There are five people, two of which are drop dead gorgeous latino women. And who do I draw the loser card on but the Stinky Mexican Father. Go figure. Does anyone else draw the short straw like I do on a regular basis.

Blogger Twins = The Amazing Race?

A couple of bloggers called The Blogger Twins are trying to get a spot on the next Amazing Race by publicizing their cause on their blog. Since the carrotpenis' are huge (yes huge) fans of The Amazing Race, I am going to support their cause. Please check out and link to their site at http://www.bloggertwins.com/.

Metra: Inane Quote o' the Day

Mick and I were riding home in the bar car yesterday minding our own business. Well, minding our own business is certainly a matter of interpretation. Perhaps having a bourbon on the rocks and checking out the freaks in the bar car is more accurate. When out of no where Kermit starts spouting off about how some of the other bartenders on the train close the bar car early. Big Italian Guy who bartends occaisonally keeps the bar open until the last possible stop on the line.

As some background information, Kermit is this idiot that rides in the bar car on the train just about everyday. He's the worlds expert know it all on nothing that anyone would ever care about. He also has a disgusting habit of eating a very large bag of potato chips and then letting everyone on the train stick their grubby hands in the bag to eat out of it. Nothing like having greasy mechanic hands in the bag of chips before you.

Well as Kermit launched into his diatribe about unfairness of the bar closing earlier, this little quote comes out of his mouth, "Are you running a bar or a God damn free for all!". Can anyone tell me what that means? Cause I have no fucking idea. This just further solidifies the my opinion that he is a gigantic moron.

P.S. I am guessing that every driver on the road is thankful that Kermit doesn't have the opportunity to swill another beer down his gullet on the days when the bar closes at normal time.

Train Friends Lunch

Late last week, Rooster, Mick, Bobby and I did one of our infamous "Train Friend" lunches. About once or month or so a group of us that all ride the train get together and have lunch. Usually, they start out innocent enough as friends from the train getting together for a quick bite and some pleasant conversation. But inevitably the conversation turns south and lunch turns into us laughing our asses off while other tables give us dirty looks. This time was certainly no different.

Before I fill you in on the crazy conversation let me give some props to the choice of eatery. Since Bobby's company was picking up the tab, we decided to go slightly upscale with P.F. Changs. I've eaten at Changs a few times and can't say enough good things about it. Service has always been excellent and the food is to die for. I highly recommend the chicken lettuce wraps and the kun pao scallops. Overall, I give it 4 out of 5 on the carrotpenis rating scale.

Now back to the lunch conversation. First, we get this perky little waitress with great boobs named Marissa who is an absolute hoot. She was fully involved in our conversation the whole time and at one point squeezed her boobs to make a point about something funny she was telling us. Cute waitress touching her own boobs at our table is win win as far as I am concerned.

The demise of the lunch time conversation this time happened about 30 seconds after we got there with Mick telling a fantastic story about his brother's bachelor party gone really bad. Here are some random highlights. First the party was supposed to be pretty big with 35 or 40 people but only about a dozen ended up showing up making is somewhat pathetic. The party was held in the dank basement at the brides parents house. Yes, you heard that one correctly, the bride's parent's house. Mick said that there were two disgusting brown couches that he was afraid to sit on. Stripper number one showed up over 90 minutes late. And he said that this little cutey had more prison tats than you could shake a stick at. To make matters worse the bride's dad asked loudly in front of everyone how much it would be for the stripper to take a piss on the groom. EWWW! I certainly wouldn't want to know that my father-in-law was a "Golden Shower" sort of guy. Then stripper number two shows up with a dildo attached to a DeWalt power drill. For $300, she was willing to let the groom use it on her.

Well after that little story things started to go quickly down hill as everyone shared stories of their favorite bachelor/bachelorette party moments. First, Rooster shared an oldie but goodie about seeing two Prince Alberts at the same bar in one night. It still amazes me that someone could turn a bar conversation in such a way to make it okay to drop their pierced schlong onto the table for everyone to see. But hey, what do I know. This was followed by Bobby's story of physically pushing his father out of the way so that he didn't find out that some guys were doing coke in the bathroom and then hiding the lines on the back of the toilet underneath a flower pot.

Needless to say we were once again laughing our asses off the entire time (Rooster even snorted a couple of times.) and the entire restaurant was looking at us. Can't wait for our next outing.

Company Suggestion Box

If you've been reading for any length of time, you probably caught one of my jags about the Suggestion Box at my place of work. We have this on-line Suggestion Box on which people make the most outlandish suggestions that they think should be taken seriously. Being the smartass that I am, I can't resist poking a little fun at them. Here goes...

Suggestion #1- The first suggestion from this round was actually mine and I still can't believe they answered it seriously. To give you some background, there were like 5 different suggestions from people asking if women could wear Capri pants as business casual attire. Since the business casual guidelines are extremely lenient towards women's fashions already, it irritated me that they were trying to be even more greedy. What's next after all, Flip Flops. So, trying to be an asshole, I submitted the following:

With all the serious consideration going on about Capri pants, I thought this would be a good time for a suggestion regarding men's apparel. As a man on hot days, I find that wearing heavy cotton pants extremely uncomfortable. After doing some research I discovered that kilts are making an emergence in the US. They are not only comfortable, but can be fashionable as well. Please consider adding them to the business casual dress code. For your convenience, I have included a link that shows what I am talking about.

http://www.scotch-corner.co.uk/highlanddress/catalogue/index.cfm?items=2271

Well wouldn't you know they responded to my suggestion like it was a serious one. Here's the response...

At this time, Capri pants, kilts, and before anyone asks, Bermuda shorts, do not reflect the professional image that "Company Name Here" would like to preserve. As we continue to grow, the company will evaluate policies that will benefit both the company and its employees.

Damn Bermuda Shorts that was even better than the Kilts. Sorry, I didn't think of it.

Suggestion #2-

I find some of the responses to submitted ideas for the suggestion box to take on a rather condescending tone. This could possibly deter creative thinkers from submitting ideas. A "friendlier approach" might be considered.

Do you think this person could possibly be reading my blog entries and confusing them for the actual suggestion box? Well here's my unofficial response to that one....

Dear Whiny Bitch, I'm sorry if us saying no to your stupid idiotic ideas appeared condescending. Next time we will try and blow some sunshine up your ass before we say no to you. How does this work for you. While your idea to have flowered drapes in all of the offices was certainly one of the greatest ideas we've ever heard in our entire lives, we are just not able to work that into budget this year. Was that better dipshit?

Look forward to more stupid suggestions down the road. It appears it's going to be a bevy of material.

Vacation Pictures: Washington Monument

Is it just me or does anyone else think that this is just about the world's biggest phallic symbol? Did George Washington by chance have a big schlong?

Great America: Fashion Talk

On Friday, my company had their annual corporate picnic at Great America in Gurnee, Illinois. We got free admission to the park with a catered dinner in their picnic area plus $10 in spending money per person. The Wife and I took The Girl and The Boy there for the day. We had an awesome time. The Boy and I went on just about every ride he was tall enough for. And The Wife and The Girl went and caught some of the shows that they like so much. Overall a fantastic family bonding experience.

Great America is also prime real estate for one of my all time favorite activities, people watching. No matter where we go, I just can't get enough of observing people in their natural environment especially the freaks and losers. But an amusement park is definitely in the top three or four of my favorite places to do it along with airport, baseball game, and county fair. It never ceases to amaze me what people think is fashionable either. Here are some highlights...

• Apparently neck tatoos on women are in this year. Crudely done boyfriend names appeared to be the most popular. I wonder if The Wife would get "Carrotpenis" in script on hers.
• Large obnoxious back tatoos were probably a close second. All I can think of now when I see one is Vince Vaughn from Wedding Crashers saying it might as well be a bullseye.
• Suprisingly and especially in light of us being so close to the Cheddar Curtain (the Wisconsin border for those of you not in the know), there was a lack of mullets this year. I think I only saw one the entire day. Very disappointing. Maybe everyone was Muskie fishing.
• Big stomachs and belly button piercings are not as fetching as one might think. It just screams, look at me, I'm a big fat ass.
• Same goes for really tight belly shirts. No one wants to see a roll like that unless there's butter on it.
• Matching air brushed t-shirts were very popular.
• As were matching pro basketball outfits. I really got to get me one of those Iverson jerseys.

The crazy shit that people wear just kills me.

Week in Review

Boy have I been a slacker this week with posts. Works has gotten extremely busy and I've been reading the new Harry Potter book at home. It's extremely good thus far. Here are some random highlights from the week to take you through the weekend...

• Crazy Doris, the kitchen lady at my office was trying to force me to eat meatballs that had been sitting in a conference room for almost two hours. I actually had to run away from her to escape.
• On the train, I inexplicably starting singing Kung Fu Fighting and then Rooster informed me that an Asian women had just walked by. I am such a jackass.
• Also on the train, Fat Religious Guy, had another unsuspecting cute girl trapped. He was rambling on in his bible speak and she looked like she wanted to crawl out of her skin. Big surprise, she wasn't there the next day. I swear that son of a bitch scares all the hot girls out of the Bar Car.
• Rooster, Mick, Bobby, and I went to Bennigans for lunch yesterday. Bobby was telling us a hilarious story about a fight he saw in a hotel lobby between some wedding guests in tuxedos and and bunch of long hairs coming back from the Queensryche concert. I almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard; and everyone in the restaurant was looking directly at us.
• Rooster continues to prove what a great friend she is by pointing out no less than 10 hot women in various states of undress for Mick and I to look at. She's got a great eye for those things.
• This morning on the train I caught a semi-attractive woman checking me out. That made my day; hell who am I kidding, that will probably carry me right through the weekend.

Well gotta run, today is our company picnic at Great America amusement park in Gurnee. I hope to regall you with stories of great people watching tomorrow. Everyone have a great weekend.

The Proof is in the Pudding

My friend Rooster posted this link in the comments section of the previous post but I thought it was worth listing on the main site. This link takes you to about 150 pictures from the Mardi Gras Party I talked about in the previous post. It looks like an insane time and will I spend the rest of the year plotting on how to swindle the Wife into going to this one next year. Enjoy! By the way I couldn't find any pictures of either of my coworkers on there.

http://www.funonthefox.com/gallery/thumbnails.php?album=76&page=1

P.S. Rooster, big thanks for searching this one out!

People You Work With

You sometimes forget that the people you work with have very different lives outside of work. And there's nothing like a hilarious experience to give you a reminder.

A guy that I work with was partying with his wife and some other friends in an area called Chain O' Lakes not far from where I live and work. If you're not from the Chicago area, it's a large lake resort area where a whole bunch of different lakes link together through various waterways. It gets extremely crowded on the weekends and big groups of boats tie up with each other to enjoy the sun, water and of course have some drinks.

This weekend they had a big Mardi Gras celebration complete with Hurricanes, scantily clad women, and of course beads. I'm betting you are starting to see where this one is going. As things progressed and the drinking started to takes it's effect, many women started to feel that it was perfectly acceptable to wear pasties in place of their bikini tops. My co-worker certainly didn't mind the added scenery.

At one point he and his wife were standing in waist deep water by their boat drinking some beers and having a good time when a woman with only pasties on for a bathing suit top comes up and asks if his name is ********. He replies that it is. She then tells him that he needs to come over to her boat and see something. While his wife is not too happy about this situation, he decides to go with her anyway. When they get over to her boat there is another woman there in the same state of undress leaning over the side. While he doesn't recognize her, she instantly says hi and calls him by name. A second later, his jaw drops open and his eyes bug out of his head when he realizes it is a woman that works in our office who you completely would not expect to be there especially in thong, no top and stickers on her nipples. He said that he made a quick escape back to the safety of their boat to avoid any further embarrassment.

It again goes to show that things are never as they seem.

Note: If you know me, please consider this as a "Code of the Road" story. I will not divulge the names so don't ask.

Cross Dressing

Cross Dressing

On Sunday, my parents had picnic at their house. It was a reunion of all the families that we grew up with in our neighborhood. Many have moved away so it was great to get together and catch up with what everyone has been up to. As in typical Carrotpenis fashion there were cocktails involved. I introduced a bunch of people to Vox Raspberry. If you've never tried it, I highly recommend it. It's a real treat. Well let me tell you, after a few Vodkas on the Rocks the true side of people tends to come out.

Jersey Shore!

Jersey Shore!

Last Saturday, the Wife and I packed up the kidlets and headed down to the Jersey Shore, about an hour and a half from my parents house. We landed in Ocean Grove, New Jersey which I have to tell you was fantastic. We had a great time. The beach was clean, no broken beer bottles or cigarette butts anywhere. Lot of families and very few Guido jackasses that tend to frequent the Jersey Shore. There was a Boardwalk but it didn't have any of the cheesy air brush t-shirt vendors like you get in Wildwood or Seaside Heights. And even better I only saw one Banana Hammock the entire time we were there which was a great relief.

That said, people for whatever reason just aren't aware of how much girth they are throwing around and tend to dress inappropriately. I snapped a pic of this cutie walking by us while we were building a sand castle. I'm sorry, but your a one piece sort of girl. Let's leave something to the imagination, huh.

Hey Nice Beaver!

Hey Nice Beaver!

We had a fabulous time on the Carrotpenis road trip. On our way to New Jersey, we passed through scenic western Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania is loaded with nice beaver. There's Beaver College, a town called Beaver, a county called Beaver and yes even a Beaver Township as you can see from the picture above. Just great Beaver everywhere.

While visiting Beaver Township, we stayed at the Days Inn and let me tell you it was a fucking dump. I am now extremely sorry that I didn't take a picture of it. The only thing it had going for it was that it wasn't in a bad neighborhood. Mrs. Carrotpenis had to take a sleeping pill in order to make it through the night. When you are traveling on the road you end up staying at random places, it's inevitable. However, you expect a certain level of service when you stay at a national chain like the Days Inn. This joint fell way short. This is the Days Inn in south Youngstown, PA. Avoid this piece of shit at all costs.

On the Road Again

Again my apologies for not posting more while on vacation. The schedule just did not permit it. Right now we are in the family truckster hauling ass for home in the middle of bumblefuck Pennsylvania. And I've already said a prayer that the hotel we are going to tonight isn't as big a fleabag rat trap as the one we stayed in on the way out here. Wish us luck. Hope to have my posting back up to speed by weeks end.

Vacation Update

To all you bitching and whining about me not posting since I left for vacation, screw you! To everyone else thanks for being patient. The trips for the most part is going well. Here are some random updates of late...

• After 15 hours in the car, no one was left at the side of the road. There was about 5 seconds of contemplation where I was thinking about tossing The Girl out of the car when we had to debate over the difference between a random turkey sub and a "Subway" turkey sub.
• We got to drive through Beaver, Pennsylvania which always makes me laugh. I will share a picture later.
• My hometown of Phillipsburg, New Jersey is just as white trash as I remember it. Sorry, if you live there. I've never seen so many elderly people in my entire life. It seem as though you are constantly waiting for somebody with a walker to get across a parking lot. Also, I have seen at least three bath tub Jesus'. I know you are all jealous.
• The weather sucked on Friday and we didn't get to go to Dorney Park. We did, however, get to see Revenge of the Sith. The kids liked it as did I. The Wife not so much. The whole prequel thing was very confusing for her.
• We took a side trip to the Jersey Shore today. The weather was awesome and we had a great time. What a people watching extravaganza. There was more more fat than you can see at a hog slaughter. I will admit that I didn't see the expected about of mullets. Again, when we return home, I have pictures for proof of this little experience.

Tomorrow, we have a mini reunion of sorts where my parents have invited a group of people that we knew as children in our neighborhood. I anticipate this will be a bevy of bloggable material. After that we are driving down to Washington, DC for a couple of days wandering around the sights. That is if the fucking terrorists can refrain from bombing while we are there. Note: The Carrotpenis' will not change their plans over the actions of you pussie bastards!

I will again try to post from the road.

P.S. Mike and Evil Twin, hope that you are well.

Happy Fourth of July!

Hope that everyone has a wonderful 4th of July. Drink and be merry but remember to Drinksmart. Nobody looks good with a hangover.

I'm going to be out of town starting on Wednesday; the Carrotpenis' are packing up the family truckster and heading out on the open road. I hope to do some posts from the road though. I guarantee there will be something worth mentioning. Such as when I forced to leave the Wife, The Girl, and The Boy on the side of road after I go insane from riding with them in the car for 15 hours.

Random Happenings

Thing have been a bit crazy at the Grind this week so posting has been a bit spotty. You'd think they'd let me fuck around all the time and just write blog entries, but no they keep pushing this stuff at me called work. They're slave drivers I tell you. That said, here are some random happenings from this week.

• The guy that handles the day-to-day office services stuff for me had the nerve to go on vacation. His job sucks and now I am forced to do it. I had forgotten just how many stupid people you have to deal with on a daily basis.
• Just to fuck with people, I changed the Muzak from Lite FM to Classic Rock. For whatever reason it drives people nuts. Nothing like a little Jethro Tull, Aqualung to get the day going I am thinking we'll have a Calypso hour later if someone does anything else to piss me off.
• There have been about 5 submissions to the "Suggestion Box" regarding people being able to wear Capri pants as business casual attire. My response, who the fuck cares either way? Stop wasting everyone's time and get back to work.
• On the train yesterday, Mick and I were forced to watch the "Really Fat Religious Guy" try to get this little blonde to slit her wrists by talking to her incessantly about guess what, religion for the entire ride home. I gurantee she will never sit by him again.
• One of the moron sales reps put diesel instead of unleaded fuel in his leased car. That's what you call a $700 learning experience.
• It has been unbelievably hot this week and as a result the women seem to be wearing less and less clothing. Thank you Mother Nature!
• While I am embarrassed to admit this, I've been watching "Dancing With the Stars!" and I'm even more embarrassed that I think it's pretty amusing. I think that Kelly Monaco from General Hospital is extremely hot. So hot in fact, she may even replace Eva Longoria on My List. Also, Joey MacIntyre is gayer than Freddie Mercury. In fact, I think that the two gay judges may have voted him off because he wouldn't sleep with them.

Well, I better get back to work now. Everyone have a good weekend. Come back next week as the Carrotpenis' take to the open road on our latest White Trash Road Trip. I'm sure there will be some blogging from the road.

Stupid Rain!

All day yesterday the sun was out and the weather was beautiful. That is, until about two seconds before I am ready to hustle out the door to the train. Just my luck! When I hit the lobby it is absolutely pouring with thunder and lightning to boot (i have a small phobia about getting struck by lightning but we can save that for another day); and there I am with no fucking umbrella. Since I had a few extra minutes, I decided to run back up to my office to see if in my slackerdom I had one sitting there from a previous time when it rained in the morning, but I was too lazy to bring it home. By the way, just for this very reason, I have about 4 umbrellas in play at all times. I always have a couple in the trunk of my car because I know that I am notorious for leaving them at the office. Nothing sucks worse than getting out of your car in the morning to walk to the train in the rain and realizing you don't have an umbrella. The afternoon is almost as bad, but at least you don't have to sit in wet clothes for half the day at work.

Well wouldn't you know it, no umbrella in my office. I then resorted to a covert search of the community coat closet to see if there were any other slackers that had left theirs.

Side note...Ever steal an umbrella from a restaurant? Come on you know you have. It's pouring rain outside and you don't have one. There is like fifty in a pile on the floor. No one is around. Boom, you're dry and on your merry way. Don't lie.

Well as luck would have it, there was one in the coat closet. As I am now in jeopardy of being late for my train, I go flying out the door with my sack in one hand and the umbrella in the other. Since I put the umbrella up very quickly, I really didn't get a great look at what was embossed on it. Only after going to get on the train, do I notice that it's this very flamboyant, floral, Estee Lauder version. You know the kind that you get at Marshall Field's when you buy a $50 make up purchase at the gift counter. I figure I only walked past a few hundred other commuters with my "look I'm a woman trapped in a man's body" umbrella. Oh well, it certainly won't be the last time that I embarrass myself in public.

We're White Trash Rich Part Deux

Since the wife entered into semi-retirement a few months ago, things have been a bit strapped financially around the Carrotpenis household. We've all had to make some adjustments to our new financial situation. Gone are some of the luxuries we used to be accustom to. I for instance am no longer eating lunch. Since I am a big fat ass anyway, this is probably for the better.

Anyway, last week I decided to splurge on myself and pay for parking at the train station. I know, you're all wondering how can I get away with such opulence. When I went to take money out of the cash station, the balance was much higher than it should be. Or at least much higher than my wife has been telling me it is. When I asked (confronted) her about the the extra money, she said she had no idea what I was talking about.

After some complicated financial analysis, you know actually comparing the bank statements to the checking account register, we discovered an accounting error. Back in February when we got our tax refund and We Were White Trash Rich the first time, the Wife was apparently delirious about having a windfall of cash and forgot to enter one of my paycheck direct deposits into the checking account register. Woo Hoo! It's like winning the lottery. Looks like we'll be able to afford that big screen TV after all? I'm kidding about that. Hopefully, we can pay off some of the credit card debt we've accumulated. That said, the wife still thinks that I am a big fat ass. No lunch for you!

Wicked!

The Wife and I were riding the vendor gravy train again last night. A company that I use for my job wined and dined us at a really nice restaurant downtown followed by a special dress rehearsal of Wicked at the Oriental Theatre. Damn, I enjoy my job some days.

The play was awesome. It puts a really interesting spin on the Wizard of Oz story from the witches perspective. Goes to show you that things aren't always as they seem. If you have the opportunity to see it, I highly recommend that you do. Anna Gasteyer from Saturday Night Live plays one of the witches and she was phenomenal.

Metra: Fashion Tip!

Here's another one of my Metra fashion tips. These are taken from actually sightings on my train ride to and from work each day. If you are a man and you are carrying one of these bags and you are not with your wife and kids on the way to the pool or beach, you need to take a serious look at your level of masculinity. You might also want to do this if you are on the way to the pool or beach with said wife and kids and the wife is not laden down like a pack mule. Carry the pool chairs or one of the kids for Pete's sake.

They call these "Bitch Bags" for a reason.




Bitch Bag!

Metra: Stupid Idiots

This morning I had to run to an alternate train station to pick up a train ticket. Both of the stations where I get on and off the train don't have a ticket agent. And being the slacker I am, I never plan in advance to get a new 10 ride ticket. So, I occasionally have to make these out of the way runs. This morning I knew I was cutting it close in terms of being able to run into the station, buy the ticket and still catch the train. But that was clearly my fault so I wasn't going to get all worked up about it. Well this was not the case for some of my fellow train station companions.

When I got in line at the station, there were 4 people in line ahead of me and about three minutes before the train was about to come. The first person breezes through like nobody's business. Then, Stupid Bitch #1 (there weren't any more stupid bitches, but I like the way that sounds) gets up to the window. She's buying a ten ride ticket with a check and the check isn't filled out at all when she gets up there. As a side note, figuring out how much your ticket costs is not rocket science. There is a giant chart on the wall with an easy to read matrix. Well she immediately gets in a huff when Ticket Guy, who absolutely reeks of old cigarettes by the way, tells her she'll need to step over to the counter and fill out her check before she can purchase a ticket.

This allows Luck Lady to step up to the front of the line. She too is buying a ten ride and paying by check, but her check is already filled out with all of the proper information and she has her driver's license in hand. She breezes by in about 10 seconds.

By this time the bells are ringing and the train is coming into the station. I realize that I am fucked. Well then Impatient Jackass gets up to the front of the line. He's freaking out that the train is here and he's trying to buy a ticket to the next stop which in a pinch you could probably walk to. He is so agitated he ends up dropping his change on the floor when he walks way. He goes out the door just as the train is pulling up.

At this point, Stupid Bitch #1 jumps back into line in front of line in front of Unlucky Man and me. Apparently, she felt she was entitled to do so after her first go round with Ticket Guy. While I realize this is a shit move, both Unlucky Guy and I don't say anything as Stupid Bitch #1 is clearly having a bad day. Ticket Guy is not so nice and takes advantage of Stupid Bitch #1's bad mood. He suddenly gets picky about her not having a work telephone number on her check. This move delays her just enough for her to miss the train and throws her into what can be clearly described as a blinding rage. At this point both Unlucky Man and I are laughing at her misfortune. That made my morning.

People, here are some words of advice for commuting on the train and probably on buses for that matter. First, the people that sell the tickets at the train station are not to blame for you being late to the station. Don't be a fuck face to them, because they can screw you over in an instant. Second, the people around you are not to blame for you not making it to the station on time; it's probably yours. Don't bring their morning down by being a shitty asshole in their presence. You only end up looking like an idiot and they'll laugh at you when you fall on your face. So, lay off that last glass of vodka at night so you can get out of bed on time and make the train. At the very least if you are going to be late, do it with a positive attitude.

Runaway Bride = Gold Digging Whore

Has anyone caught the latest on Jennifer Wilbanks, the "Runaway Bride" from Georgia. Apparently, the emotional trauma of ditching out on her wedding, running away from her fiance, and lying to the police has subsided. Mine would too if I just signed a $500,000 book/movie deal and was doing an interview with Katie Couric and NBC that was almost certainly paid for. In an instant she's gone from pathetic crazy bride to gold digging whore. I hope that someone files a civil suit against her and takes all her money.

I was thinking of running away to see if I could profit from it; but I'm afraid that I'd find out no one would want to come and look.

Weiner Dog Rebuttal!

Well color me brown and call me a h0t dog; the Weiner Dog, I'm sorry Dawg, has spoken. In response to my post of last Tuesday about Hating Weiner Dogs, the Weiner Dawg has responded. That ball of fur even went as far as to call me a Big Baby. Well, those who enjoy eating cat shit, should think very carefully before calling other people names. That said, thanks for the mention, because any press is better than no press at all. Also, I'd much rather be a carrotpenis than a "little weiner" dawg.

Stupid Suggestion Box Entries

If you've been reading for awhile, you probably know that facility management is one of the many areas that falls under my job description. As part of it, I am responsible for coming up with answers to suggestions that people put in the Company Suggestion Box. For obvious reasons, my responses must be carefully worded so as not to offend the suggesting parties even when their suggestions are outright inane. In this venue though, I don't need to be so tactful.

Suggestion #1-

This one needs a little background information. About two weeks ago, we installed these motion sensors in all of our bathrooms so that the we weren't wasting electricity by having the lights on all day.

A couple days later this comes through the Suggestion Box...It is nice to know that we are saving resources with the implementation of sensor switches in the bathrooms but would it be possible to extend the timeout period? It's not much fun finding yourself in the dark with your pants down.

My unofficial responses...As the light sensors are already set at a 30 minute time out period, I think that rather than concerning yourself with their operation you might want to spend some time looking for a good Gastroenterologist. Because if it takes you more than 30 minutes to take a shit, there is something seriously wrong with your insides. Now if you are taking care of other business in there like "Taming the Porpise or "Rubbing One Out", a good Urologist or Sex Therapist may be in order. Thanks for your inquiry.

Suggestion #2-

i know we have quite a few different things in the kitchen now, but Crystal Light has come out with these awesome packets called "on the go" packets. they would be great for people who arent really coffee or tea drinkers. 0 fat, carbs, sugar and sodium and only 5 calories. they are individual packets. they taste awesome, come in a bunch of different flavors and would add something different to the selection. please consider?

My unofficial response...Dear Submitter, of course I'll just run out to the store and get you those. I bet you'll also need a bottle of water to put it in too. These will will be implemented right after "Free Filet Mignon Thursdays" Come on people, this isn't your fucking house here; we can't get you every whim you desire. If that we're the case, I'd be making a whole lot more money and wouldn't be dealing with idiot people with you. Drink your Starbucks Coffee and Tazo Tea just like everyone else and shut up.

As more of these come through, I'll be sure to share them with you. Everyone have a Happy Father's Day and a really great weekend.

I Graduated!

Yes folks it's official. I've finally gruaduated from internet driving school. If you remember from my previous post, I was forced to take an internet driving course after getting a speeding ticket on the way home one night. In retrospect, I would have probably just gone to the instructor lead course. The internet version was fucking long, probably six hours and there was no way to speed it up. (Of course, I did the whole thing at work so it was probably a win there.) But, you had to listen to every stupid word the coked out narrator told you too. Damn that fucker was happy about safe driving. Well hopefully I won't be such a menace on the road from now on. If I could just get the other stupid idiots around me to drive as well as I do, we'd be all set. Feel free to send graduation presents if you like.

10,000 Hits!

Another milestone on the chronicles. Sometime last night, I eclipsed the 10,000 hit mark. Whooda thunk it.

Thanks to my regular readers; the two of you know who you are. Okay, there's a few more than two, but thanks all the same. Thanks to those of you who randomly spend the 30 seconds here that Blog Explosion forces you to. I appreciate your time and hope you will stick around longer if you see something you like. And a very special thanks goes to those of you who mistook my blog name for a gay porn site and ended up here only to be disappointed. Your visits are appreciated too.

Hope to see you at 50,000!

P.S. Don't be a lurker, leave a comment. Thanks Mimi for Lurker reference.

I Hate Weiner Dogs!

Today, while attempting to defend my blogging honor on Battle of the Blogs on Blog Explosion, I was defeated by a blog whose primary thematic element was pictures of weiner dogs. Fucking weiner dogs! No witty commentary, no fun commuter stories, just pictures of long skinny brown weiner dogs. What in the hell is this world coming to. Now I know that I don't have a fancy skin like some people, but there's some good shit here from time to time. What are you people thinking? The only thing that I can think of is, there's a puppy and kitten loving faction of bloggers out there trying to dominate the Battle scene. There's simply just no other reason for it. Unless, I just plain suck. I feel like Mike Tyson after Saturday's bout. I am officially going into Battle of the Blog retirement.

2005 Block Party

We've lived in our house for nearly nine years but on Saturday, the Carrotpenis clan attended our first neighborhood block party and what a hoot it was. For some background as to why this was only our first, the party used to be organized by this idiot woman in our neighborhood that everyone calls "Squirrel Turds". She is very overbearing and wants things to be very formal and just so. Since we were the second owners of our house, we were quickly forewarned by the neighbors that had been there before and graciously found a way out each and every year. While I understand the importance of a place and time for some dignity, a block party certainly isn't one of them.

Well this year there was a social coup in the neighborhood and two friends of mine, Cowboy and Fresh took over the organizing reins and crushed the Squirrel Turds' ideals of decorum and decency and brought it back to real White Trash family values. My kudos go out to them. We all had a great time. There was even a DJ and a bouncey house.

Here are some random observations from the festivities.

• There are few things that taste as good a ice cold beer from a keg and rented tap on a hot Summer day.
• Beer is still my friend. I stuck to beer for the entire party and was right there to the bitter end with the rest of the neighborhood power players. The Boy and I rolled in right around 1am. From prior experiences, I've learned that mixing cocktails and beer almost certainly gurantees an early evening for me.
• Fresh's wife has a mouth like a sailor when she has a few pina coladas in her.
• I learned that Cowboy's wife is a closet cigarette smoker.
• People that are normally OCD don't care as much after they've sucked down 5 or 6 jello shots. A woman I know is normally a freak about germs, but didn't blink and eye to ask me to taste her drink when I asked what she was having.
• Skip and Go Nakeds aren't just good at fraternity parties.
• There was a keg stand contest for a set of BBQ utensils and my performance was less than stellar. Some giant Polish guy went for 32 seconds to beat Cowboy's standing time of 30 seconds. I was only at a meager 15.
• I almost got into a tussle with above Polish guy because I refused to dance with his fat drunk Polish wife.
• Drinking and a bouncey house are really not a great combination.
• Dry ice bombs are really fucking loud. Recipe: dry ice, water, 2 liter soda bottle. Add first two ingredients to second, close cap and walk away. The bottle will get as big as a beach ball before it explodes.
• The neighborhood Playboy's hot blonde girlfriend isn't as good looking up close and in person.
• When the police showed up at 12:30, they said they could hear "The Roof is on Fire" from 3 blocks away and that there was no less than two complaints about the noise.

Now Tivo Thinks We're Black!

Good old Tivo is at it again; this thing is supposed to be intuitive but I'm starting to highly doubt its abilities. If you remember from my previous post, our Tivo used to think we were Mexican. Well that has changed; now it thinks we are black. Well this has probably been going on for awhile because I've deleted about a hundred episodes of "The Parkers" from our list of shows that Tivo has chosen to record based on our watching preferences. But now it's started to tape a bunch of shows on BET. I just can figure out how it gets sidetracked like this since we never watch the Parkers and rarely tune in to BET. What's next, Tivo thinks I'm gay.

The Mexican Breathalyzer

Recently, a friend of mine was traveling for business "South of the Border" when he was pulled over by the local authorities in his rental car. When the constable comes up to the car, he starts gibbering away to my friend in Spanish. Well my friend being the ignorant American he is, does his best to convey that he is a fucking moron and does not know the local language. I am sure this was done in the typical fashion of people from the US when they encounter a language barrier by speaking loudly and using hand gestures.

Eventually, the officer is finally able to use the universal language and starts saying the word, Cerveza over and over again. At this point my friend finally realizes that he's been pulled over to check his soberiety. To do this, the officer asks him to blow into the his (the officer's) cupped hands so that he can smell his breath. Immediately, my friend realizes he's being administred the Mexican breathalyzer. Thankfully, he was not drinking this time. And I hope he had brushed his teeth or at least eaten a Tic-Tac recently.

Metra Fashion Tips

I'm back on the train pretty much everyday now. Yeah! So, for those of you that like them, I'll start doing my Metra eavesdropping posts again. Today, I thought it would be fun to give some unsolicited fashion commentary. As most of you know, I'm not one to hold back in the unsolicited commentary category; so here goes.

1. If you have a big ass and corresponding stomach, don't wear a big sparkly belt drawing attention to both.

2. Putting ones makeup on in public is really not that attractive. Now I'm not talking about a dab of lipstick. I'm talking about doing major facial reconstruction. Get your ass out of bed earlier and do that at home.

3. To the best of my knowledge, Noah is not building an ark. Please leave the floods at home.

4. If you got a case of the nasty toes, leave the bitches covered up.

5. Not as many people can pull off those ridiculously huge bug eye sunglasses as one might think.

6. Make the decision (and quickly) whether you are going bald not. If you decide that you are, stop doing that fucking combover thing and shave your head.

7. Yes, everyone can tell it's a toupee and you look like Moe from the Three Stooges. Stop wearing it.

8. If you are sitting on the lower level and wearing a low cut blouse, everyone can see right down your shirt when they walk up behind you. While I don't actually mind this, you might.

9. Same church, different pew for upper level. Unless you are an exhibitionist, think carefully about wearing a skirt on the upper level. It's really easy to make a wrong move and give a whole line of passing commuters a free show.

10. If you've got nappy oily hair or wear a jerry curl product of any kind, please do not lean against the windows. It leaves a disgusting mark that everyone has to look at for days and days.

Hilarious Video Star Wars Video!

This link take you to a hilarious video from the Conan O'Brien show. It's Triumph the Insult Comic Dog interviewing "Star Wars" nerds outside the premiere of Attack of the Clones. I normally hate Triumph, but I almost peed myself watching this.

Warning: If you are a "Star Wars" nerd or just a nerd in general, this might hit really close to home.

http://www.am1000.com/goout.asp?u=http://www.milkandcookies.com/stuff/triumphvsw.asx

What Comes Around Goes Around

Asshole Lawyer and I ran out for a quick lunch today. As we were sitting at a light with a long line of cars waiting to turn left into a busy intersection, this dumb bitch speeds around everyone and does this bullshit move to turn left in front of everyone else. Note: I fucking hate when people do this this type of crap. As I am yelling to Asshole about what a loser she was, a cop comes out of nowhere and pulls her ass over. This made my entire day. Then to top it off we got to do the slow drive past her in the Jewel parking lot with the cop there making her pull 50 things out of her purse. Both of us gave her our best point and laugh as we drove by. I couldn't have planned it any better.

Spring is Over

Well our one day of Spring in Chicago is now over and it is officially Summer. Boy is it fucking hot. In fact, to quote Matthew Broderick's character Eugene Morris Jerome in Neil Simon's Biloxi Blues, "It's Africa Hot!" I swear it was in the thirties last week and bam you get this smack in the face of the mid-nineties this week! Now if it was 95 and I was sitting my ass by a pool with a cocktail it would all be well and good. But no, I am in long pants and a dress shirt waiting for the train in the searing heat. I'd do anything to wear a skirt with no stockings. While I realize that women get the short end of the stick on many things, getting to wear a skirt on a hot day has to be one bonus. Does anyone know of a dress kilt that is acceptable to wear in a business casual environment.

Ribbon Car Magnets

Well it's official or at least it's official to me now. Those ribbon car magnet have now ceased to have any meaning for me. You know the one's I'm talking about. They started showing up down south about eighteen months ago. The first ones were yellow and said "Support Our Troops!". I thought these were great. Shortly after that, other causes started showing up on them like red ones for cancer survivors. Again, I am in full support of the ribbons. Then some lesser tier causes jumped on board such as "Masturbation for a Better Tomorrow". I think their ribbon was blue. While the importance of the causes has lessened a bit, I am still in support of the whole magnet thing.

Well today that all ended. As I am driving into work today, I pass a car with a yellow ribbon magnet that says, "Get Ir Done!". The moment that someone thinks that the brain damaged Larry the Cable Guy warrants any recognition on a ribbon means that these damn things have outlived their usefulness. I now put these in the same category as the "Baby on Board" placards that appeared in the late eighties and early nineties. I urge you to find some other way to support your important causes. Next thing you know there will be a ribbon that says, "Wife in Trunk!"

Summer Hours!

My place of employment has Summer hours. We work an extra half hour Monday through Thursday and then get off at noon every Friday from Memorial Day to Labor Day. It's a fabulous perk! If they took them away, I am betting some people would quit over it.

Well this is the first week and I can't wait to get out of here. Of course if you look at the time, I'm still here an hour after trying to wrap some things up. My regrets to everyone that has to work a full day. Yeah right!

Google Freaks

Boy are there some weirdos out there. Someone reached my site by searching for the following:

pull bathing suit crotch aside and pee in grass

Each to their own I guess! What am I saying. What kind of freak searches for that on the internet. Worse yet I guess, they ended up at my site.

Rooster is on the Bad List

Though the Rooster doesn't work for our company, the Mick and I have swindled the powers that be to let her play on our coed softball team. We even got her a personalized jersey with the number 69 and "Rooster" on the back. What does she do to repay us for our friendship? She doesn't show up to play the game after telling us repeatedly (not 4 hours before the game) that she'd be there. I fully blame her for the 13 to 2 ass whipping that took place tonight. I am sure that had she been there she could have singlehandedly handled those 15 hits that they blasted off my pitching into the gaps in the outfield on us. All the kudos she received for pointing out the melon girl yesterday are now lost on this "drop of the ball" so to speak.

Good Bye to 2500 Days With the Devil

I'd like to give a shout out to Minion who was writing the blog "2500 Days With the Devil" which I've had on my bloglist for a couple of weeks! This blog was an utterly hilarious diatribe of this woman's dealing with her idiot boss. If you didn't get a chance to catch her stories you sorely missed out. Unfortunately, due to security concerns (aka possible termination or Dooce concerns as everyone likes to say) she chose to shut down her little song and dance. Sorry to see you go. I hope you can find a more confidential place to vent your frustrations. If you do, e-mail me and let me know where I can enjoy them. If you want a guest spot here, I'd be happy to give you one.

The Metra: It's a Boob Thing

I caught the train home this aft with the Mick and Rooster and ended up having a hilarious conversation with both.

First, as we are getting on the train, this woman with a push up bra and huge breasts gets off. Rooster, being the good friend she is, notices first and says the word "melons" so that Mick and I are sure to notice. Thanks Rooster!

[Side note- Ladies, if you are wearing a tight blouse and a push up bra you want us to look,correct? Now, I'm not talking about a tongue out drooling leer but you want a second glance, right? Because, I kind of use this as a rule of thumb.]

Then as we sit down I thank Rooster for the heads up. She immediately make a comment that compares her endowment to that of the melon girls. As I check her out to get a grip on the comparison she's made, I immediately get a hard slap on the arm. Note to female friends...if you are going to make a comparison between some body part that you have to another female's we are going to check you out to get a baseline regardless of how platonic our relationship is. Such as, if you say my ass is much bigger than hers isn't it: I'm going to take a look at your ass. It's just an something that's inborn. If you don't want that attention, don't make these types of comments. Rooster, you were right, her breasts were much bigger than yours and the her bra certainly helped us notice. Readers, if you can recommend a good bra for the Rooster to use to get the "girls" noticed, I'm sure she'd appreciate it.

Then the conversation turned to my hair cut post of the other day. Rooster commented that her husband goes to some woman that gives him a shitty haircut every time yet he pays her $26 plus tip. My comment was that she's probably hot and rubs her boobs in his face while she cuts his hair. (You are probably starting to see the thematic element of my post about now.) That would be worth at least $10 to me. So, in reality, he's really only paying $16 plus tip for a bad hair cut. That makes it a bit more palatable, doesn't it? After all, what would the same thing cost you at a strip club, $50 easy.

Mike Tyson

I just saw a random sound bite from Mike Tyson that just clinches what a fucking moron he is...

"If the price was right, I'd fight a lion!"